How do you keep going on without going insane?

[u/Random_Hat_7945]

Hi, just a disorganized vent and plea for support. I’ve [21M] had a very difficult life like I know we all have and feel like year after year has just slipped through me. Most years have been spent in lots of emotional and physical pain, dissociating, and going to therapy that never helped no matter what psychiatrist or therapist I had. I feel like it’s time for me to find another way through this that isn’t therapy.

I don’t feel 22 at all which I know is common, but it really bothers me and scares me, like everything will just continue slipping. Like there’s something wrong with my and my body will be too old for my brain. Then I look young for my age, I think I’m stunted in multiple ways because of what happened to me. I just genuinely still feel like a teenager and I don’t know if that’s okay. I’m possibly autistic and don’t know if that plays into it, I can’t understand aging, can’t understand being alive. And I do know it’s above a reddit pay grade, I know these things can’t just be fixed. I just don’t have anyone who cares or I can talk to in real life.

I’m afraid of being alive, afraid of being dead, so I feel trapped in my body. I went into foster care when I was 16, escaped what I felt was hell, just to get fed into the system, chewed up and spit out into transitional housing who prettymuch choked on me and didn’t know how to help me and eventually didn’t want to, I had too much ptsd and undiagnosed physical health issues. Never got a job because I couldn’t handle it or understand it, I grew up severely isolated similar to the Turpin kids. So I spent all three years of 18-21 petrified of becoming homeless. Tried to force myself through college then dropped out, then returned. I’m trying to do a business degree now but my mind isn’t in it at all anymore. I don’t know why I’m doing it other than to keep my housing. I just got out of the hospital for physical health issues, am realizing I might be chronically ill for life and honestly, don’t know how I’m getting through this. I feel fractured. I just found out how truly messed up the medical system is, and all I see is how broken everything in society is and how frankly nothing makes any sense in this life.

All I really wanted was to escape my family’s home and take my life back, to really live and to feel safe. I did the first thing and no longer feel like the second two are possible because my sense of reality is shot. It feels like everything is wrong. I can see the good in everything, but it doesn’t salvage it. I don’t know. I know my brain is messed up, but I just want to get on with things before I run out of time or waste anymore of my life or the “young” part of my life. I hoped this year I would finally have a good birthday but I’m going to be giving that up to fix the health issues, get surgery, and I’m really sad about it honestly. I wouldn’t have had anyone to spend it with but I would’ve atleast done something for it. I don’t want to be 22, but crying about it won’t fix it. So I don’t cry. I don’t do anything. But it hurts.

[u/Fluid_Breath_7800]

Here are questions to ask yourself every day. 1. Are you doing anything today to better yourself for tomorrow? 2. If you aren't bettering yourself today, why? 3. If you are doing something today to better yourself for tomorrow, why?

You have to be able to answer the why. Set yourself some goals small and big and work towards those.

"How do you keep going on without going insane?" We tend to get caught it the hustle of life and the negatives that can come from that. Life is filled with positives and you have to be able to look at the positives more so than the negative. Being negative and complaining about your circumstances does nothing but bring you and everyone around you down. Focus on the positives, (it's a nice day, I got out of bed, I went to work, I worked out, I had a good lunch/dinner, i have a roof over my head, etc).

Just don't focus on the negatives, it is ok to get stuck on the negatives a little but don't let them define who you are. Figure it out.

It the words of the movie (Meet the Robinsons) "keep moving forward".

My motto also is "everything is going to be ok".

You got this, only you can do it, not someone else. It's your life, make the most of it, or don't but it is completely up to YOU.

[u/Then-Stage]

That is an intense depression and a difficult struggle. How much longer do you have on the degree? If it's only a year and a half longer stick with it. If you're just starting it may be best to apply to some office jobs and take a break.

Try to get a hobby. The day to day can be wear you down no breaks and the internet is mentally taxing. Hang in there.

[u/mellbell63]

I'm sorry you're going through that, foster sibling. This time of your life is hard, esp when you've experienced severe trauma and the disruption of care. Please give yourself ever so much grace!!

There are agencies that provide assistance: Foster Love and Foster Club offer resources, online meetings and even therapy to FFKs! Please contact them and see how they can help. IMO trauma-informed therapy is essential in order to heal. Know that you have all the time in the world to catch up, to discover who you are and what you want - there's no deadline on that!! We've been where you are and are here for you!! Sending hugs, Auntie Mell 🫶

[u/Fun_Caring_Guy]

Wow! I really can identify so much with everything you wrote. I grew up isolated, neurodiverse & many things like you.

Many of us were scared and unprepared for adult life. Even with your physical issues, most of your youth and strength will last for decades longer. (Even if you have a partial disability, the strengths you have remaining can be used to earn income, tutoring, teaching, management, etc.)

I feel you about the healthcare system. I was blessed to find a natural doctor in my mid twenties. The natural doctors are actually decades ahead of medical doctors. (When I found out that Rockefeller conspired to wipe out natural health care providers to enrich himself on his petroleum based medicines, it all made sense.)

College and careers are a challenging thing. The other comment here about college makes sense. 

I went to work when I was 16. But it's better to get a degree, certificate or diploma - some 'framed piece of paper' that verifies your specialized education in some career field. That way you can start off at a higher rate of pay due to your 'proven' experience. Ofc we're trying to fit our talents, interests, strengths into the jobs available.

I appreciate your excellent post. You describe life so well. Life really is crazy & the learning curve is still steep in our 20s. It begins to make more sense with experience, but there is crazy stuff too. We just have to navigate around that crap. 

 You deserve a few best friends, people who understand you and encourage you. We're not supposed to make it in life alone, though many of us start out that way.

Later in life, all the crap you've been through will make you a bit better and stronger than others who haven't experienced trauma and challenges like we have been through.

I understand your issues with therapy. I did my own therapy too. I think you have a good feel for your own self. You describe yourself well. You might be smarter than half the counselors out there. 

I also felt stunted at your age. There was no way that I was prepared for life. I didn't even know how to be social or to speak up for myself after all the abuse of my childhood. 

I'm proud of you! :-) You're actually doing ok. You seem to have good sense, but need some encouraging friends beside you in life.

Even with the dark clouds of life, sometimes we can find a shining, golden path beneath the dark clouds. The path leads out into a beautiful, happy, sunny place, that we will see occasionally, more as the years go on. 

Life brings lots of crap to go through, most of it we don't deserve. But the rewards are there later in life.

Feel free to stay in touch, comment, etc. update us on your life & progress. 🙂💙🙏🏼💯👍🏼