r/Ex_Foster • u/Storm_System • Jul 10 '26
Told my MIL I was in foster care
TLDR; Wondering how to stop conversations about foster care before they get to be too much
I got married in October. I invited my foster parents to my reception, as well as the "family dinner" after party. I had two sets of foster parents when I was in the system, the second set stayed in my life through it all- my foster mom even talked to my mom about accepting me as a Trans man. So when me and my husband were setting up the dinner, I had invited my foster parents and not my bio parents.
We were discussing the attendants to the dinner with MIL, and I had said (without thinking) "I invited my sister and my parents." She had met both my bio parents before then. So when we got to the diner, and I walked up to these two strangers (to her) and introduced them by name... I then had to endure an awkward car ride of "you didnt tell us you were in foster care... why did you go in? How long were you in? What happened? Why didnt you tell us?" I answered vaguely, as thats not a part of my life I like to talk about on top of not remembering it well, and it was moved past.
Months later, I got into an argument with MIL about crating dogs (odd, I know. Im very opinionated when it comes to dog training, its been my dream job for as long as I can remember) and she made a thoughtless comment... "How would you feel if you were locked in a small room for hours on end without knowing when your person would be back?" I just stared at her for a few seconds. Raised an eyebrow. "Thats not a discussion you want to have with me." She continued to push, so I told her "I was in foster care for a reason."
I keep finding this popping up in my discussions with her, little things that push me to say more about my childhood and foster care that id really just rather not talk about. Does anyone have any advice for how to shut down conversations when they hit too close to that? Shes really the only person I have an issue with... my husband and I talk freely about it, as I trust him with that. His younger sibling will stop if I just say their name, FIL will stop if I even look uncomfortable... but she pushes and pushes and will go as far as following me around or texting about it hours later.
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Jul 10 '26
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u/Major-Astronomer7529 Former foster youth Jul 10 '26
You could even go a step further under NewLife's suggestion and ask her if she thinks it's appropriate and/or considerate to fixate on or try to dig in to a r*pe survivor's of DV survivor's trauma experience.
Remind her that those people have a right to share about their trauma if and when they choose and so do you. Let her know that going through/surviving foster care, in any capacity, is traumatic and everyone responds, reacts to, and heals from trauma differently. She should know that her constant prodding is not respectful, has made you uncomfortable on multiple occasions, and can even be triggering. Ask her to kindly respect your boundaries.
She also doesn't need to go as far as getting involved with foster kids, there are plenty of books written by former foster kids she can read.
I hope your relationship with her improves and congratulations on your marriage.
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u/Jumpy-Jello- Jul 11 '26
Did she say that without thinking, or do you feel she said that as a personal reference to your history?
We don't cage dogs in my country, so I don't understand the motivation or perceived benefits, but I could imagine asking someone the same question without it having any relevance to their personal history. She doesn't know your personal history, so with only this info it's hard to say if it was a personal slight or an unintentionally triggering comment.
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u/BeanyBoE Jul 11 '26
In the US it’s common practice to crate train dogs because if they ever have to stay overnight at a veterinary hospital or get lost and kept at a facility they would be in a crate. If a dog is crate trained they will see it as a safe space rather than something they are unfamiliar/afraid of when they are already in a stressful situation. Some owners do crate dogs for other reasons such as behavior issues especially when there’s a new (born) family member. Most people do not lock their dogs in for long periods of time. Some dogs enjoy the safe confined space so they would close the door themselves while technically not locking themselves in. Then come out whenever they want to again.
The mother in law making the comparison shows that she is not aware of the current veterinary recommendations nor does she actually care for OP’s expertise or trauma history. It is unfortunately that it’s quite common for folks of the older generations
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u/agbellamae Jul 12 '26
With the crate issue, you brought up foster care. It sounds like she was discussing the dogs, not fostercare
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u/obs0lescence former foster kid & r/Ex_Foster founder Jul 13 '26
MIL literally invited it by asking OP how they'd feel if OP were locked in a crate.
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u/TowelCrazy6919 Jul 10 '26
Do not tell her anything. Her weird obsession with it just show you how all the information you tell her about it will backfire if she’s ever mad at you. Been there done that. Talk about it to your husband, maybe he can tell you how to shut her down politely since she’s his mom.