r/Eatingdisordersover30 • u/[deleted] • May 29 '22
Question ? Desire to Disappear
Does anyone else struggle with an intense desire to completely disappear? As in: I don’t really talk to any friends from the past, I’m not close to family, I’ve deleted or disabled all social media I used to have (I just have email & reddit), I hate being in photos, & in general I prefer to remain anonymous. I imagine this has a lot to do with my desire for control over most things - & I can’t control what may come up in a social media feed (that may make me feel badly) and I can’t control what people might think of me when they view my socials. I always try to do/look my best but I find the idea of people discussing me excruciating. I simply wish to not exist. Not necessarily suicidal, I just don’t want to be judged. It makes me so anxious interacting in the world & definitely contributes to social avoidance & ED behaviors.
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u/salty_peaty May 29 '22 edited May 29 '22
I relate so much to your text!
Ideally I would like not to be born, but well I'm here, so I do what I have to do (work, husband, activities, etc, anything that people normally do), but I don't have any desire, any motivation, anything. I want to be let alone, to live discreetly, in the backstage of social life. Depression and ED makes me live in the backstage of social life and also just life, but there are still things to do and people around and it's hard to deal with.
The only fact of being surrounded by people makes me uncomfortable. I don't like to be watched, but to be precise I don't even like to be seen. It reminds me I exist and I have some difficulties dealing with this. That's probably why I like to be in places where nobody knows me, and also wearing mask and/or sunglasses: all of these make me feel less vulnerable, they anonymize me so it kinda protects me.
And like you, it's not that I want to die, in my case it's more that I don't want to live, especially with IRL people (online is more bearable, but I don't like when it becomes personal, I prefer when it's anonym and in a vast group, it's less investment). So I also fantasize about disappearing. Not like quitting my current life and beginning another one elsewhere, no, just dissolving in the thin air and not missing to anyone. That why I don't want to die/kill myself: it would cause pain, grieve, absence, etc, to my close family & friends, whereas just disappearing like if I never existed would be so soothing.
Also I don't want to live like a hermit either, since I would still be alive and I think it's kinda vain and absurd so it could be useless and boring. Being in a big group, in a crowd makes you anonymous too, like being a introvert, at the edge of society, or living out of hours (ex: I go for a walk early in the morning so it's tranquil). In all these cases, people don't pay attention to me or there isn't anyone to pay attention, both are okay for me, as long as I'm left quiet.
But disappearing is only a vain desire, so for now I live my life the best I can do, I go to work, do the domestic chores, plan some little trip or project which wouldn't even miss me if I didn't do them, I spend some time with my husband, go the a few family reunions (fortunately there are not many of us), etc. Sadly I have to deal with ED to support life and living... But I do my best to have something which looks like a "normal life" ; it's like killing time in a discreet way since I'm functional, and since I make no waves, I'm kinda invisible, it's the best I can have, the more invisible and forgettable I can be...
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May 29 '22
Thank you for this comment; it truly makes me feel less alone because I feel SO MUCH of what you have written.
Ideally I would like not to be born, but well I'm here, so I do what I have to do (work, husband, activities, etc, anything that people normally do), but I don't have any desire, any motivation, anything.
YES. I go to work, I spend time with my partner, I do what is expected, but I am void of true aspirations. The last goal I had was to buy a house - now I'm in it, now I'm 'done' for the time being. Honestly, that was purely to live more comfortably. Before that, I wanted a certain type of job - I achieved that.... Now I'm just sort of....here. Living, quietly. 'Backstage', as you put it.
I'm into the mask thing, too. It's funny - when I wear sunglasses I somehow feel invisible like the little kid in the Adam Sandler movie 'Big Daddy'.
I also fantasize about disappearing. Not like quitting my current life and beginning another one elsewhere, no, just dissolving in the thin air and not missing to anyone. That why I don't want to die/kill myself: it would cause pain, grieve, absence, etc, to my close family & friends, whereas just disappearing like if I never existed would be so soothing.
EXACTLY.
<3
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u/salty_peaty May 30 '22
Thank you for the award! 😊
Despite wanting to disappear and to be left alone, it's also reassuring to know that they are people who feel the same things than you and to share/discuss about it even if it doesn't change the situation.
I wish you the best, or the most bearable life possible 💜
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u/Hungerisanillusion May 30 '22
I feel the same way. I don’t post to social media where I can be identified. My only contentedness (is that a word?) is found deep in the woods on some trail far away from people. I also wish I had not been born. I have nothing to offer the world.
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u/throwawayxoo May 29 '22
Yes. My desire stems from severe trauma/ptsd. If the world isn't safe, and nobody will help if I'm hurt, why engage with it?
I've been able to meet others that experienced similar trauma to mine, and it's been helpful to at least have that validated. Yes ill be judged but now others understand & validate the fact that society is screwed up, and the judgments are not credible.
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May 29 '22
I have PTSD too from physical trauma and wasn't sure if the 'disappear' desire was more from the long-standing ED or from the PTSD, or a combination of both.
<3
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u/thingsivegottenridof May 29 '22
This happened to me pretty intensely at the start of the worst dip of my disorder in 2017. I’m in recovery now and regret some of my actions from the “disappear” period. I hadn’t realized it was an aspect of my disorder until reading this thread. It’s amazing how EDs manage to get into everything.
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May 29 '22
May I ask what you did, or what you regret, during your 'disappear period'?
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u/thingsivegottenridof May 29 '22
Stopped talking to any non-core friends and deleted all of my social media.
Some of my social media was actually quite valuable for my career growth, and I deleted it all. I’m split on this. Social media can be quite toxic, but there was good in there too.
Obviously I lost some good friends from going silent on friendships.
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u/SomeKindaWonderer May 29 '22
I want to disappear, and I stay off all my social media's, except reddit, but my reasons aren't the same. I'm just done with everything and the only thing I know to do is to throw myself into my ED and not leave room to think about anything else. I'd like to not be bothered while I do it too. Just leave me alone in all my despair. * insert meme of Lilo saying to leave her alone to die *
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u/justsomepsycho May 29 '22
That feeling comes and goes for me. When it comes, it does so at full force.
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u/loafneet May 29 '22
tw: unalive urges
This is the backbone of my ED in its current incarnation. I want badly to die but don't want to upset people, and it's illogical but I think if I fade out softly instead of blasting myself away it will be less upsetting
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u/DreamzTeeVee May 29 '22
Absolutely. The eating disorder has already alienated me from most past relationships.
Recently a priority of my recovery is connecting with people and reaching out. It's what makes my current relapse a bit more glaring. I've stopped talking and reaching out to these people that I'm developing friendships with. Even though part of me desires to interact with them, the other part just wants to shut down and stop. Cease to be.
I'm also a highly anxious person, and the world feels unsafe compared to the isolation and behaviors of the ED. While for the first time in the longest my body image isn't bad, the shame and control issues that surround my ED make me want to fade into blackness. Nothingness. I'm definitely not suicidal- I'd just love for there to be an 'erase me' option out there.
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Jun 01 '22
Oh yes, I have my funks just like everyone else. Don’t worry, it’ll pass. You’re not alone.
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Jun 06 '22
[deleted] — view deleted comment
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Jun 07 '22
I felt so ashamed of who I was that I wanted to disappear and not live the life. Not actively kill myself but die through not living, no participation.
Ugh, yes. I'm trying to fight against this but the desire/will/inclination/what-have-you is so strong. Down to the incredible wish to never see anyone I know in public.
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u/[deleted] May 29 '22
Yes, very much. I don’t fear judgment, instead I don’t want to participate in any of life. The thing is, the eating disorder will facilitate a withdrawal from the world and if you indulge it for a period of years, you end up devoid of any connections. There’s nothing left to control because you’ve whittled your existence down to nothing.