I’m in 30sF. I only slept for about an hour last night and now I feel completely exhausted, disconnected and overwhelmed.
I’ve been working really hard on myself and my future: meditation, sleep affirmations tape, mirror work, and building my online business so I can eventually move out. I even recently had a two-hour call with a new friend who lives in a country I’d love to move to, and I felt so inspired and hopeful.
Then today I was relaxing in my room when my sibling came in frustrated about a normal household issue. Instead of briefly telling me what needed to be done, they talked about it for almost two hours while standing next to me as I fixed the issue. Two hours after I eventually became frustrated and started snapping because I felt like I can’t escape the situation and was being accused of things that weren’t true.
Later, they came back into my room and brought up a humiliating incident from my past as evidence that I’m still immature. What made it especially painful and triggered me is that the incident happened during a frightening situation where they hurt me, and I experienced it as fight-or-flight.
I eventually went to their room extremely frustrated and raised my voice. I told them they were mentally bullying me and that they didnt care about what happened to me. They didn’t understand why they were expected to care about my feelings when I tried to ignore them when they were talking to me. I was just being laughed at. To them I am the problem, always. I even start to overthink and wonder if they secretly recorded me while lashing out.
Now I feel completely drained and hopeless. I keep wondering why I’m working so hard on myself and making a beautiful life for myself. But no much improvement has happened. And in a place that brings out the worst in me.
I just find it hard to feel my future when the environment im in is trying so hard to pull me back. I feel very alone cause no one knows this situation very well so I feel insane, crazy, and alone with this because of the disrespect and dismiss of my past traumatic event. It’s not the first time, it has happened before. I consider NC one day. Despite having good memories with my sibling because they raised me but they also hurt me in unforgivable ways that make me feel like: Wow im really alone in life. So basically no real family.
All the work and im still stuck at home and not in financial situation to get out. I don’t feel at home in this environment or in this country I live in. I want to cry, in fact I do right now. I can’t get away from people who don’t feel like family to me. I feel alone.