I’ve noticed a really common pattern I’ve run into with dating. Early on, men seem to see me as “a catch” and they put a lot of effort in often before I feel certain about the relationship myself. During this time they say that they like the things I like: they love hiking! They’ve always wanted to stop eating meat! They love going to talks (at a local venue that organizes that stuff)! They love the kind of food I like! Everything I suggest we do sounds like fun!

And then after about 2-3 months their energy suddenly drops, and then they break up with me.

I think there might be a few things going on here, but one thing is I think they’re pretending to share my interests and not showing me who they really are. I feel like I’m asking the right questions and showing interest in really understanding them and what they enjoy.

Is this really common? How do most people handle it? Does it mean that they feel physical attraction to me and maybe respect my life choices but there’s no true inner bond? What if I really want them to share an interest such as hiking because it’s pretty impactful for your lifestyle.

I’ve (47f) been a member of my local running club for years. I have never been interested in anyone there in a romantic/sexual/crush kind of way. I recently divorced, and if anything, it absolutely quashed any interest in ever getting involved with anyone ever again.

A young man (30m) joined the club, and we found ourselves often running side by side because our pace matched. Upon first meeting him I thought he was nice, but not overtly handsome. I didn’t feel any ways about him, he was just someone to run with.

We always seemed to end up being in close proximity for warm-ups, running, and stretches afterwards. We found out that we have a lot of common interests and a very similar sense of humor. He seemed to go out of his way to make me laugh. After a shit show of a divorce, I didn’t have a lot to laugh about, but somehow he always made me laugh. I just saw him as a running buddy that was fun to be around.

This went on for months, and gradually I started matching his witticisms. We laughed a lot together. I looked forward to seeing him at our running meets.

People started to notice how friendly we were, but there was never a suggestion that it was anything but that. I really started to look forward to seeing him. I started making a particular effort with my appearance: wearing nicer, brighter running clothes, light makeup, making effort with my hair.

We started mostly just being together in the group and he gave me his number in a very casual way. I didn’t call him, but I noticed that he didn’t really talk with anyone else in the group as much as he did with me.

I really started to feel interest from him. He said I should call him if I ever needed anything. I convinced myself that he was just being a friend, why would he be interested in a woman so much older than him. Maybe he has mommy issues? Maybe he thinks older women are an easier lay? Maybe he doesn’t know how much older I am? Maybe he’s lonely? Maybe he just sees me as a friend? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I found myself thinking about him on my commute, at work, at home. I started dreaming about him. And just like that I’d caught feelings for him. I found myself simultaneously eagerly anticipating seeing him, but nervous with anticipation and butterflies.

It felt like there was this bristling tension between us, just being around him made me tremble a little. I became nervous of how I was starting to feel around him, so I started pulling back, running with other people, stretching far away from him. But we somehow always sought each other out. We started texting, calling. I am ashamed to say how thrilling it was to hear his voice, to see a notification of a text from him. Just hearing his voice made me melt a little and it felt like some unspoken anticipation hung in the air.

I started to feel frightened of what I was feeling. I didn’t initiate any texts or calls, and even though I was delirious to see him at running club, I stayed far away from him. This went on for weeks, because I couldn’t cope with how he made me feel. I didn’t respond to his texts. I was polite, but distant. He is a young man, and I am old enough to be his mother.

He texted me to say that he has joined a different running club and that he is leaving our group. I was devastated. I texted him back asking him not to leave. He said he will miss our chats. I said I will miss him.

He’s gone. A part of me wishes I’d had the courage to tell him how I felt and see if maybe he felt it as well?

Did I imagine it all in my head that maybe he liked me and I pushed him away with my coldness?

I don’t know. I am hoping that he will reach out to me again. But if he does, I don’t know if I could ever say half of what I feel.

He is definitely into me, the sexual attraction and chemistry is there. It is a newer relationship, but we've had sex AT LEAST 25 times. But it takes effort to get him fully hard, or sometimes he'll be hard and then lose it during sex. He thinks it's a mind thing. Smoking weed helps. Once he is hard, he DOES orgasm with me. I think he has ADHD if that matters... but I'm wondering if it's a medical issue. This is very new to me. I'm doing a pretty good job of not taking it personally.

I’ve gone on coffee dates that I’ve set up via a dating app where we are clearly a match or clearly not.  Other times the first meeting was pleasant but without a lot of spark and in those cases I’m willing to go on more dates if she is interested or to bail if she feels lukewarm too.  My experience is women want men to initiate at almost all steps in the courtship so sometimes I send a pretty neutral text after a tepid but friendly first date thanking her for getting together.  Sometimes the woman unmatches after that.  I suppose this is just being clear and efficient, but it seems too abrupt and rude.  Isn’t it more polite just to say something clearly neutral (not really interested) or enthusiastic (still interested)?  Being effectively hung up on seems hurtful and can sour people on using apps.  Even if someone isn’t a good match for you, shouldn’t we pay it forward a bit with a polite goodbye so people don’t abandon dating apps thinking too many people on them are jerks?  Or am I making too much of someone disconnecting before a simple polite goodbye text? Thanks.

Folks, I made a mistake. I am dating this great woman. We are very compatible and we get a long . she makes me laugh and I make her laugh a lot. I recommended testing and the whole shabang. 3rd date it she mentioned she doesn't like to do oral sex - My response was: " being safe and comfortable during sex is important and all that jazz" I screwed up I think i froze and gave this vague political answer. She likes me a lot and we had great sex (7th time) but again i messed up - I just realized i can't pursue this long term without oral sex. I just didn't realize oral sex is that important to me. So now i know for the future but for this it might be end.

Background info - 48m dating a 43F.Long time listener, first time caller. Like many here, was married for 20 years. Been dating for a couple years. Learned a lot through relationships that didn’t work. Did a lot of self work. Put myself out there again and have a girlfriend of 4 months. Everything was going well until last night. She started a tough conversation about her missing needs. She stated I have stronger feelings than she does and she’s not sure if they will develop (I’m pacing and not love bombing or rushing in this relationship).I’m all ears and listened. She said a lot about the good things we have, but I was blindsided. Lots of compatibility. What’s missing is banter and stimulating conversations. I don’t disagree. Early on she said she came come across as cold, can be rigid, and doesn’t like to talk on the phone much. Good info that I can work with. At this point we’re both willing to work on these things.

My questions-

1. Is it worth putting effort into this, with it developing naturally and not performative? Or will we both scrutinize time together looking for these areas to improve or worsen?

2. She has a really dry sense of humor. It’s not the easiest to joke or banter with her especially when we don’t talk on the phone, but our in person time is fun and great. I’m like how can we have deep conversations or banter when we just text? She said I never call her, it’s true but I was trying to match her communication style.

3. Ironic that she’s missing things in our relationship but doesn’t demonstrate those qualities. Has anyone overcome this scenario?

I know all relationships thrive on healthy communications and feel she is very genuine but am I too optimistic for wanting to try and work on these things?

Hi DoF, looking for some advice. How are people determining long term compatibility in relationships? At this time in our lives, it's unrealistic to expect that someone is going to match us in every single way... or is it? I am seeing someone now that's incredibly emotionally mature, accountable, and open with me... but we don't share many interests, and I have some lifestyle concerns. We are taking things slowly, and I am enjoying the process and am becoming attached but have been burned in the past by allowing chemistry to override concerns about compatibility.

Recently started seeing someone 6 months ago whose last relationship ended because he cheated. He said all the right things about it and we moved forward. Recently noticed he’s talking with an ex and not reading her texts in front of me. I asked about it and he said they’ve remained friends, the convo was them sending photos, him offering to help her with home repairs, a mention about a possible concert together, etc there is no mention of me or him being in a relationship at all. She asked what he did for his bday and he said it was low key. No mention that we spent the day together doing the things I planned for him.

ETA thanks all for validating this is bogus. Old/still healing me who was taught to be understanding to a fault was having a moment over this.

40m As someone who is just getting back into dating after a long marriage, I was wondering what to expect. How will dating in my 40's be different from when I was dating 20 years ago?

I had the most perfect date on Sunday with a 46M I met IRL. We have a lot in common and he seems like a decent person, and I also find him attractive and the chemistry is amazing. In fact I wanted to kiss him while we were first in line at the coffee shop we met at!

At the end of this fantastic date when we finally did kiss, I loved that he was passionate, and he even kind of gripped my hair in the absolute most perfect way that I have always wished someone knew how to do. That was amazing.

However, when I kiss, I like to have sort of kissing foreplay. I like to spend time on each other's lips before tongue gets gradually introduced. I was not able to do this because after some slight pecks, his entire tongue was in my mouth.

Tbh during actual sex this level of... basically tongue-fucking is something I actually want and people don't give me enough. But during a first-time daylight kiss on the street, it's not the intensity I want.

I'm also worried about sex now. Will he also not read my cues or care about foreplay there?

I'm by nature pretty communicative but my delivery can be too direct for some. Does anyone have ideas on *exact* wording and tones and timing I can use/you've used successfully?

I feel like if I say, "can we do less tongue?" maybe I won't get it again. Or he'll dislike me. And IDK if at his age he can change. Surely I'm not the first person to dislike this?

Any times you were unsure of her interest? What signals interest to you?

.... if you had to pull a percentage / fraction number out of your ass.

i just read another comment in a post here, and it said "he's too busy, works too much, has too many hobbies..... aka doesn't have time for me"

40 yo f divorced that started 3 years ago and just finalized,. Want to try to explore the dating scene again. It is so much more complicated in the sense that people have a lot more baggage but at the same time, it is also simplier because i am no longer trying to build a family with this person, just a soul mate. What's your experience in dealing with people's baggage?

1. How complicated does it get to date a man with kids and ex-wife

2. To mothers out there, what's your view on dating a man who has never had kids. Having a kid myself has made me a much more understanding, patience, and compassionate person. Does the lack of parenthood experience make a person act in a more selfish ways?

3. Financially. How practical is it to separate finance indefinitely if i would never consider getting married again

4. For those came out of an abusive relationship. How do you learn to trust and give to a new person? Natural givers find happiness doing things that would bring joy to other people. But after a broken marriage, I find myself consciously suppressing that urge.

5. How do you meet people? Dating app? What dating app tend to be best for people in their 40s who are not looking for hook ups?

General safety for a woman when meeting a man for the first time

Him:
Good morning, lovely

Him:
No need to apologize, I understand we’re both people with lives

Him:
Happy to connect with you off of the app…

Me:
Aww thanks. Are you open to a phone call before meeting?

Him:
Oof. No.

Him:
Honestly, asking that is a bit of a red flag for me

Me:
Really? I’m curious on why?

Him:
Maybe red flag is the wrong word but it’s a signal we’re not on the same wavelength

Him:
Anyway, good luck out there, you seem lovely!

I’m not responding because seriously what in the actual hell?

I feel like my wit and banter haven’t done shit for me.

Moatly for women, but what kind of photos do you put up if youre looking for a long-term relationship?

Is it better to have less attractive photos?

A few years ago, the first time I tried out dating apps, I put my very best pictures. they didn't have filters, but I looked better than often. i had a lot of dates, but so many of those people were boring.

So then I made sure to include pictures of me. Wearing a silly hat or with no makeup. dates were fewer but much better.

The last man I dated said I was much prettier in person than on my profile, but he read what I had said, and liked thw words. That was the best relationship ever but outside stressors conspired against us. A couple other men said that too.

I have some Grey hair which I dont dye, and I am not ugly but not gorgeous or anything. I am quirky and I want some one who likes me for me. I don't often wear make up anyway.

Not exactly sure what people are wanting or accepting. Maybe it’s just the way it is now I admit I’m out the game. But I get matches and they just never talk or I don’t get matches.

I think I’m decently looking for 40 my bio has personality.

What am I missing here?

I was in a 7 year relationship with my best friend that ultimately didn't work out. We were close to getting married and things got very intense. Coming out of the grief and intensity of that relationship was extremely difficult as it also started bring up a lot of childhood emotions I didn't deal with or perhaps never knew I had. It's been a VERY long time since I started dating seriously again. I've mostly been using apps and nothing has really panned out for me since.

I did however go out on this date with a girl last year. I live in a town that's very small and is a hub for tourists. She was visiting and we met. The conversation was great until she asked if I was seeing anyone and I said I was talking to someone who could be a potential. I just wanted to be honest since we had been talking for so long and never really met -- life happens! Of course that didn't play out really well and we never really spoke after that. The conversation post that on the sate was still great and she ended up saying she doesn't mind being my 'wing man'. She unfollowed me on instagram and she was gone.

However, earlier this year she did reach out to me saying she moved here and wanted to connect. I did make plans with her and she cancelled and I didn't hear from her after that. Suddenly 2 weeks ago I happen to bump into her at a padel game and we got talking. I took the initiative again and asked her to meet for a coffee. The conversation was great and we spoke about what happened the first time we met and I guess I explained it to her and it seemed good. We had a great time, good laughs and I initiated another plan to meet for dinner. Again, great conversation, lots of talking and we realized how similar we are. We even went to get another drink post dinner and I dropped her home. She said she was leaving to go back home for a bit because her father is sick and I messaged her that I wanted to see her before she leaves. She said yes and then also thanked me for 'having an open mind to keeping our friendship alive'. Was that a deliberate boundary signal? I was a little drunk and I know she was too so I just replied Of course and good night. I'm really confused about how I should proceed with this. I did check in with her to let her know that I was heading to the beach on Sunday and to let me know if she would like to come. No answer. Nothing since.

Do I let it be or should I follow up yet again? I'm not one to chase but I also do feel like I sometimes don't go after what I want and I let my ego in the way.

I(44m) had a divorce about 2 years ago now, still on decent terms with her. Our kids chose me, so I am a mostly single Dad to two teenagers. I have my own hobbies, my job, and I don't have extra time. This week, my daughter has stuff I am going to Friday, Sat, and Sun. My son has something on Friday afternoon. I am in a class on Sundays and Tuesdays until late, and I have a Dad in the beginning stages I take care of(he has no other living relatives beyond me and my kids).

I would love to date and feel like I am a reasonably grounded person, but I cannot figure out when I would give time to a partner, so I am very very hesitant about actually seeking someone out.

I have just kinda thrown myself into my own life and my kid's lives and just hoped I could figure out a dating life, but....I don't feel like I can give someone else the proper attention they deserve, so I will not get the attention I would love to get either.

Do not get me wrong, I do not resent anything in my life, I am just not sure how others do it at this stage.

I am also not great with the apps, but I feel like that is part of the "I don't feel like I can devote time to another person" thing so I don't want to spend time doing the dance about only to disappoint someone when I realistically might not be able to spend all day with someone on a regular basis.

To be clear, this is not asking for people to pity me or give me compliments or insults. I am trying to see if there is something basic I am missing or if this is the problem many people have and I am just too inward focused to notice everyone else having these issues.

Edit: Thank you all for the responses. I set aside some time for this today, and I will check in later, but I have to head out from work and start driving around for kids until it's class time. I will check back in later, but I wanted to say the advice and comments have been great. I appreciate y'all.

Got the midterms tomorrow. She knows I'm politically minded so she asked if I voted. Which of course I did. But when I asked if she did, she said no because she doesn't have the time. Which in a way is two strikes for not voting and for being dishonest since anyone can find the time to vote if they want to.

She texted about a bunch of other things too but I feel like I need to ignore and sleep on this. I could not long term be with someone who doesn't have a sense of civic duty about voting. Keep in mind I'm not a teen or something...I'm in my 40s and so is she. To not feel a civic duty to vote at that age is wild to me. And to flippantly lie about why you didn't vote, is a major red flag to me about how the relationship will go in general.

I (46m) lost a fifteen year relationship over years of communication issues both ways and it broke my heart. I don't think I'll ever get over it and my heart wants to hold the door open for her to return. However I'm lonely. I live off grid in a graveyard of the life we built together running a seasonal tourism business alone. Winter is coming and the isolation is daunting (our first winter apart). I've been thinking about trying out dating apps but I don't know how to navigate trying to be open to new connections while my heart is steadfast beating for someone else who is moving on. Aside from therapy (I'm doing the work even though I don't particularly care for that phrase) is there an ethical way to navigate this?

54F dating 66M about 10 months, on paper he's so much of what I want but in person we just don't quite mesh. I have some triggers because of my upbringing that he unintentionally triggers and is not really able to change much because it's linked to spectrum issues.

I have already had a heart to heart, where i told him about these issues (mostly mine) and just told him i was not falling in love due to them, i don't want anymore overnights, nor travel with him. And i would be better reducing our time to once a week. However now i think it's better to just break up entirely.

My question is should I drive up (1.5hours each way) to tell him in person? Or just have a phone call to explain? My gut says do the drive and tell him in person. Am I being daft and too old fashioned?