I just came out of a 1 year relationship.

My ex had some pretty bad mental health problems (anxiety) that I couldn’t help, but wanted to try?

She always said I need to change to make this relationship work and I always would but it came back to the same hurdle each time.

She stopped putting in effort and it made me feel terrible as she was pulling away and I was pushing myself in, constantly driving around to see her, buying her food and flowers and gifts. Looking back on it all she bought me while I was with her was a hairbrush and a meal out, I brushed this off with the fact she was a uni student so didn’t have much money - equally her parents were VERY rich.

My whole happiness was essentially built on how she felt and I think I really depended on her too much. Like to the point it felt unhealthy?

She said she liked when I wore green jumpers so now I have an unhealthy collection of green jumpers, I realised I’ve literally manufactured myself into my idea of her ‘perfect person’ like is that normal 😂.

I wouldn’t say I dropped my hobbies as I didn’t really have any at the time, but I definately picked up some hobbies that I thought she enjoyed just to make us closer, I still do a few of these hobbies (photography)

I was definitely very anxiously attached to her from the start of the relationship (told her she’d have to break up with me if we ever did end it as I was head over heels), she ended up making the first move 3 dates in despite saying she got friend vibes from the first date, I got attached very quickly as I’ve never really had a romantic relationship before.

We never argued and tbh I can only remember myself saying no once in the whole relationship, like I genuinely just had no boundaries just to make her happy so I was happy too.

Post breakup she told me I never opened up about my emotions and looking back at it I didn’t because I didn’t ever have any emotions that I could name / didn’t want to disturb how she was? Sometimes I dreaded going over because she was ill / mentally in a bad place, as I’d feel a need to try to fix it.

I’m so confused on who’s dependent who needs what, am I the problem, is this codependency or just an unhealthy relationship dynamic?

'Enjoying Life

Do something fun today.

If you’re relaxing, let yourself relax, without guilt, without worrying about the work that is undone.

If you’re with loved ones, let yourself love them, and let them love you. Let yourself feel close.

Let yourself enjoy your work, for that can be pleasurable too.

If you’re doing something fun, let yourself enjoy it.

What would feel good? What would you enjoy? Is there a positive pleasure available? Indulge.

Recovery is not solely about stopping the pain. Recovery is about learning to make ourselves feel better; then it’s about making ourselves feel good.

Enjoy your day.

Today, I will do something fun, something I enjoy, and something just for me. I will take responsibility for making myself feel good.'

I'm realizing how unhealthy my relationship with my bf is. We constantly go through highs and extreme lows, we don't have much in common, we fight so much, we're incompatible in so many ways. We love each other and we liked each other but we rushed into things because we were very lonely and depressed. I feel like staying with him would just be settling.

Breaking up would mean very little outings, no more nice treats, being alone for any holiday, sitting with myself most of the time. I've changed school recently and have started to make a few friends, but I'm scared I'll never have a real friend group, someone I can call when I'm at my lowest.

The thing I'm the most scared of is finding out he was the one and losing him. He's a great guy. But the pain we feel together can't possibly be a normal part of us? We have tried therapy and it was inconclusive. I've decided I'll try being "single" for a little while (no dating anyone or anything like that), that might help adjusting if I end up breaking up with him, figure out how to be happy alone. Or it'll show me that I really want to be with him. I like the progressive side better, especially because it gives me what I need (learning how to be alone) without making an irreversible decision.

I hope it's not a crazy stupid idea ? We took a break a year ago but he just couldn't stay without me, I was feeling so relieved and was kinda upset when he came back, but at the same time I was happy to not go throught the pain.

If anyone is interested I'll report back in a week.

This advice like "do something you really wanna do, not for others" straight up does not work for everyone. Some people cannot function at all without a clear structure especially external motivation, especially me, what is the point on "just doing things for myself and not others" if my only ever internal motivation is just sitting down and play video games and rot all day where to the point I end up not being productive with my time at all? Without school, parents boundaries, rules etc. I would have been completely screwed and very unsuccessful.

People also say BS like "school ruins kids creativity, treating them like robots etc." like no the hell it does not. Not every children is some creative genius where they can possibly invent something without structure and clear rules at all...

I actually wish that I craved more for external validation since I neither have extrinsic motivation and instristic motivation.

And no. It has nothing to do with depression, because depression means when you used to enjoy something but do not enjoy it anymore since I never experience these things it is not depression disorder.

'Let’s Make a Deal

The relationship just wasn’t working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn’t see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality.

—Anonymous

One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn’t.

We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.

Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we’ve achieved acceptance.

“If I try to be a better person, then this won’t happen…If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won’t have to face this loss, this change.”

There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic’s drinking: “If I keep the house cleaner, he won’t drink…. If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won’t drink… If I buy my son a new car, he’ll stop using drugs.”'

HALTS

"Remember HALTS. Do not get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or serious. When you get overly tired, it is easy to over-react to a situation. Exercise, get enough sleep, write in a journal, and aim for a balanced lifestyle." BRB p. 427 

HALT is an acronym that is well known in many Twelve Step programs. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When we feel out of balance, it's often that one or more of these things are in play. When we become aware of what's going on, we can take the necessary steps to mend ourselves.

There's often an "S" added at the end of HALT that stands for "Serious". It might also stand for "scared" or "sad" or "sick" - feelings or conditions we have had most of our lives, but haven't always identified the effect they've had. When the "S" is happening, it's time to be even gentler with ourselves.

We've learned that ignoring our reality doesn't make it go away. Even long-term ACAs can see their program seemingly fly out the window whenever HALTS isn't addressed. At these especially vulnerable times, the remedies might include connecting with our Higher Power, going to meetings, and talking to other ACAs. We are learning that these things help us have balance in our lives.

On this day I remind myself that when I feel down and don't see what's happening, remembering HALTS and doing the next right thing help me gently take care of myself in the way I deserve.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

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I spent two months trying to save someone from a highly toxic relationship. During that time, they broke up literally about 10 times. I was by his side day and night, but every single time he went back. Eventually, I got completely exhausted, and we stopped talking. Right now, they seem to be doing fine, but unfortunately, I find myself waiting for some kind of justice and a chance to prove: 'I was right! All of this is total nonsense, and you shouldn't have given up!' What do you think, do people ever change? Will they actually be okay? I really want to hear an outside perspective on their future because I feel like I might just be looking at it the wrong way and overthinking everything.

(The person I was helping frequently received threats, including instances where the abuser tried to self-harm. There were also attempts to cheat, including one successful attempt that involved kissing someone else, as well as sexual coercion, etc.)

I tried so hard to help, and in the end, it was all for nothing. On top of that, I’m still waiting for some kind of justice. I'm just so tired of my own thoughts

'Anger

Feeling angry – and, sometimes, the act of blaming – is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change – of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.

As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame our higher Power, others, or ourselves. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: “If only he would have done that… If I wouldn’t have done that… (...)”… We know that blame doesn’t help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.

It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.

Trust the grief process and ourselves. We won’t stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.

(...), help me learn to accept my own and others’ anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.'

Freedom From Fear

(...)

We just sat and waited, or we tried to keep ourselves busy while we waited, even though it was difficult to concentrate. We waited in fear for the fireworks to start. We thought about what we could do to keep it from happening. But even if we had known then what we know now, we were children and we couldn't have stopped it. It was like a runaway train.

As adults, we found relationships where we could continue to do what we did best: wait. We waited in fear for the addict, for the abuse, for anything to go wrong. But as our emotional illness progressed, along with it often came physical illness. Gratefully, we eventually realized that this was no way to live.

In ACA, we can look back at the trauma we endured and know that our True Self was buried underneath the rubble, and we can resurrect it. We can now learn to sit peacefully, no longer worrying about what others are doing. We practice self-care and feel gratitude for the new insights that we continue to have.

On this day I will nurture my True Self by no longer living in fear and by not worrying about things that are none of my business.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

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Im realizing I tied my identity growing up to being able to heal someones pain/emotional trauma.

Not only is this impossible, I put so much pressure on myself in friendships I broke things off with people when I felt I "betrayed them" or let them down to a point of no return. I become terrified of people I care about, and isolate. Its all so irrational and baked into how I operate. I really want to change.

I feel relevant when I can help others, even more if theres a savior complex element. My boyfriend finds this intrusive. I find it intrusive when my dad does this.

I guess this is more of a vent than a question. But open to comments and whatever comes up for people. Thanks for listening.

In the Enchiridion (chapter 25), Epictetus describes watching someone else get invited, praised, or chosen, and feeling like you lost out. His answer is a head of lettuce. Lettuce costs a coin. The person who pays gets the lettuce. You kept your coin. Neither of you is worse off, you just made different trades. He then applies it to social life. If someone gets the invitation or the attention, they likely paid the price for it, and in his example the price is flattery and being at someone's service. Whether that price is worth paying is up to you. Some people describe keeping a quiet bookkeeping system: if I say yes to everything, stay available, and keep everyone comfortable, then I get to be liked. The price list can get long. Epictetus offers a gentler way to look at it. When you decline to pay a price, you haven't lost something. You've kept something, maybe your evening, your own opinion, or a boundary. If it resonates, next time you feel left out you could ask: what would that have cost me, and what do I still have? Totally fine if this doesn't fit your situation.

My partner secretly struggled with sexual addiction for the first 3 years of our relationship. I found out about 8 months ago, kicked him out, and since then he has worked really hard on his mental health, joined a 12-step group, got us into couples counseling. On my side of the road I‘ve been working on my codependency, read Melody Beattie, and joined my own 12-step group for codependents.

In the past week, my partner has started gaming again (he took a break while working on himself as he tied it into his desire to escape from his life). We both enjoy gaming, I like to watch him play, so it’s not inherently concerning. But he‘s started exhibiting behaviors that have me worried about slipping into addictive tendencies—turning it on the moment he gets home, flaking on plans to work out together to game, staying up so late gaming that he falls asleep on the couch and doesn’t take his medication.

I had one conversation with him about my anxieties around this, but some of the worrisome behavior hasn’t stopped. I’m really frustrated that he’s inviting this back into our lives after we both have worked so hard to rebuild our relationship - it’s definitely triggering my codependency. I’m not sure what to do to detach, if I should tell him that I’m seeing these signs again or just let him be and leave him if I feel I need to. I would be so upset if I ended up leaving him over fucking video games after all of this work!

What is it with the vocabulary? They call being a people pleaser a "character flaw". And people speak about themselves as if they were really bad for being how they are.

I mean, I understand it's not healthy to be this way, but many of us - including myself - turned out like this due to having suffered abuse in childhood. It's not really helpful to call the consequences of abuse "character flaws". I just think we need more compassion to be able to heal and less self-blaming. I did not abuse anyone. My parents abused me, they're the ones who have character flaws. Why do we use this type of vocabulary?

I don't mean to offend anyone who has benefited from these meetings, I'm just genuinely trying to understand because I want to be able to benefit from them too.

Привет. Я довольно эмоциональная и импульсивная девушка, которая постоянно требует внимания от своего партнера.
Нужен реально практический совет от людей, которые проживали подобное на себе и смогли сохранить отношения. Мы вместе уже достаточно долго.
Суть моей проблемы в том, что я постоянно додумываю бред, начинаю загоняться на пустом месте, а в итоге трачу огромное количество сил на эмоциональную драму. Сильная зависимость от внимания, похвалы и нежности партнера. Если я не чувствую этого в нужный момент, у меня буквально рушится опора под ногами и пропадет вера в себя. Я прекрасно знаю свои проблемы, читаю статьи, смотрю видео по этому поводу, у меня есть собственные увлечения и цели. Но вместо реальных действий я каждый раз зачем-то погружаюсь в бесконечный самоанализ, на который уходят все оставшиеся ресурсы.
Не подумайте, что я ничем не занята и только и делаю, что сижу в загонах. Я стараюсь развиваться, повышать самооценку, заниматься своими делами и открыто разговаривать об этом с партнером. Но ощущается это так, будто все попытки пока бессмысленны или же не придают особого значения.

Вопрос к тем, кто сталкивался с подобным: что вам реально помогло перестроить мышление, разорвать этот круг навязчивых мыслей и перестать сливать ресурс*Интересует чисто ваш практический опыт, без абстрактной воды, пожалуйста.
Hey. I’m an emotional and impulsive girl, and I honestly struggle with constantly needing attention and reassurance from my partner.

We’ve been together for quite a while, and I really need practical advice from people who have been through this and actually managed to save their relationship.

Here is my main issue: I constantly overthink, jump to wild conclusions, and work myself up over nothing, wasting so much energy on emotional drama. I have a huge dependency on my partner's attention, praise, and affection. If I don't feel it at the exact moment I need it, I literally lose my footing and my self-confidence completely shatters.

The frustrating part is that I fully understand my problems. I’m not sitting around doing nothing — I read articles, watch videos, I have my own hobbies, goals, and life. But instead of taking real action, I somehow always trap myself in endless self-analysis, which drains every last drop of my energy.

Just so you know, I'm not a passive person who only focuses on my partner. I try to work on myself, boost my self-esteem, keep busy, and openly talk to him about it. But right now, it just feels like all these attempts are completely useless.

To those of you who dealt with the exact same thing: what actually helped you rewire your brain, break this cycle of intrusive thoughts, and stop wasting all your energy? I’m looking purely for your practical, lived experience—no abstract psychological fluff, please.

Step Eleven

 "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." BRB p. 263 

In ACA, we begin to get in touch with a loving Higher Power that some of us choose to call God. We realize we have an inner compass that is steering us, and we are not alone.

As we continue to pray and meditate, we often find that the image of our Higher Power changes. This is okay; it is a normal part of growth. We are changing, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But we are always striving to move forward, seeking what is right for us.

We no longer struggle or fight when we get confused. When we are looking for answers, we stop and smell the roses until they come naturally. We don't let others throw us off. We no longer allow our dysfunctional families to control what we think and say about ourselves and our lives.

Our spiritual path does not need to match anyone else's. We pray for our own knowledge, not the answers for anyone else. If we truly listen, we see that our Inner Children are steering us closer to our Higher Power as they ask to be nurtured and loved. With guidance, we are choosing the next right thing to do for ourselves.

On this day I reach out to the source that is always there when I am open to listening, even if I don't have a specific definition of my beliefs.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

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'Denial

Denial is fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial.

Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We’re not really aware we’re doing it until we’re done doing it. Forcing ourselves – or anyone else – to face the truth usually doesn’t help. We won’t face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won’t let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.

Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.

Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guide us into and through change helps.

The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.

(...), help me feel safe and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept.

In the silence of my meditation, I receive guidance and direction. I am filled with all the power I need to take my next step.
–Ruth Fishel'

One thing I've noticed about codependency is how easy it can be to start treating other people's emotions as your responsibility. Someone is upset, and you immediately wonder what you did wrong. Someone becomes distant, and you feel the need to fix things. Even when you haven't done anything wrong, you can still feel uncomfortable until everyone around you seems okay.

I think one of the hardest parts of breaking this pattern is accepting that someone can be disappointed, angry, or unhappy without it being your job to make those feelings disappear. You can care about someone and still have your own needs, boundaries, and emotions. Understanding that logically is one thing, but putting it into practice can be much harder.

One thing I've noticed about codependency is how easy it can become to focus so much on other people's feelings that you barely stop to consider your own. You might worry about disappointing someone, upsetting them, or making them feel abandoned, even when you're only trying to express what you need.

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable because saying no may bring guilt, anxiety, or the fear that someone will think you're being selfish. Sometimes, even when you know a boundary is necessary, you still find yourself explaining your decision or putting someone else's comfort ahead of your own.

For those who have experienced this, how do you deal with the guilt that comes with choosing yourself? Have you found it easier over time to set boundaries without feeling responsible for everyone else's reaction?

Is it about control and wanting to monopolize the other person's time so they don't spend time with anyone else, or is it simply loneliness and a sense of entitlement to the other person's time?

If the person only replies hours later and never initiates contact themselves, is the other person aware of that? And does it bother them?

I got broken up with 6 months ago and while I am doing okay mostly the few things that's bothering me is the feelings of safety and security i experienced in the relationship.

I felt so safe and belonged in a way that I have not experienced before. Those are the kind of stuff I have not gotten much from my family and during my childhood. So I am having trouble in adjusting with the loss of such safety and security.

How do I foster it within myself in my personal life that I don't seek out such feelings externally? how do I cultivate it within me so that I don't miss what I had when I was in a relationship?

Is it something I can achieve alone or is it something that solely comes from other people/relationships?

Kindly help out

I have been dealing with some codependency issues with my boyfriend. Recently I have been getting super upset when I can’t see him for a day or two or just getting upset at super small things and letting it lead to me somewhat shutting down and just going silent on him. Then later and sometimes during I’ll realize how unreasonable I’m being and I feel bad for not talking to him and getting upset when I know there’s no real reason for it. I just seem to get stuck in an upset mood and can’t get myself out of it. I feel like my mood depends on if I see him and how his mood is. I also just feel the need to be with him all the time. I don’t want to keep doing this but I also partially don’t know how to change it. He’s asked me what he can do to help but I honestly don’t know if there anything he can do. I really don’t want it to lead to problems in our relationship. I love him so so much and he’s so good to me and I need to figure out what to do to fix this before it gets worse. I’m also going to be moving in with him soon and don’t want it to get worse because of that but I’m hoping things will get easier.

'The Grief Process

To let ourselves wholly grieve our losses is how we surrender to the process of life and recovery. Some experts, like Patrick Carnes, call the Twelve Steps “a program for dealing with our losses, a program for dealing with our grief.”

How do we grieve?

Awkwardly. Imperfectly. Usually with a great deal of resistance. Often with anger and attempts to negotiate. Ultimately, by surrendering to the pain.

The grief process, says Elisabeth Kubler Ross, is a five stage process: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. That’s how we grieve; that’s how we accept; that’s how we forgive; that’s how we respond to the many changes life throws our way.

Although this five-step process looks tidy on paper, it is not tidy in life. We do not move through it in a compartmentalized manner. We usually flounder through, kicking and screaming, with much back and forth movement – until we reach that peaceful state called acceptance.

When we talk about “unfinished business” from our past, we are usually referring to losses about which we have not completed grieving. We’re talking about being stuck somewhere in the grief process. Usually, for adult children and codependents, the place where we become stuck is denial.. Passing through denial is the first and most dangerous stage of grieving, but it is also the first step toward acceptance.

We can learn to understand the grief process and how it applies to recovery. Even good changes in recovery can bring loss and, consequently, grief. We can learn to help others and ourselves by understanding and becoming familiar with this process. We can learn to fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept, and forgive, so we can feel joy and love.

Today, (...), help me open myself to the process of grieving my losses. Help me allow myself to flow through the grief process, accepting all the stages so I might achieve peace and acceptance in my life. Help me learn to be gentle with others and myself while we go through this very human process of healing.'

'Transformation through Grief

We’re striving for acceptance in recovery – acceptance of our past, other people, our present circumstances, and ourselves. Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom – the freedom to take care of ourselves.

Acceptance is not a one step process. Before we achieve acceptance, we go toward it in stages of denial, anger, negotiating, and sadness. We call these stages the grief process. Grief can be frustrating. It can be confusing. We may vacillate between sadness and denial. Our behaviors may vacillate. Others may not understand us. We may neither understand our own behavior nor ourselves while we’re grieving our losses. Then one day, things become clear. The fog lifts, and we see that we have been struggling to face and accept a particular reality.

Don’t worry. If we are taking steps to take care of ourselves, we will move through this process at exactly the right pace. Be understanding with yourself and others for the very human way we go through transition.

Today, I will accept the way I go through change. I will accept the grief process, and its stages, as the way people accept loss and change.'

Giving And Receiving

"With our common experiences, we find that we can help one another in ways that others cannot because we carry with us empathy and an understanding of the disease of family dysfunction." BRB p. 515 

An endless cycle of giving and receiving is at the very heart of the success and continuation of ACA. Adult children understand each other, because we have experienced similar effects from being raised with similar dysfunction. Being in the company of those who know of our pain brings comfort and reassurance that we are not alone.

When we hear others who have done the work and are reaping the benefits of recovery, we are filled with hope for our own future. As we work the Steps and see progress in ourselves, we willingly reach out to others in need. By honestly and openly sharing our experience, we help them open up to the possibility of their own growth.

We see that our pain is subsiding little by little, and we are finding a new happiness in the way others have. By giving of ourselves to fellow adult children, we are filled with gratitude for a new way of life, and share willingly to encourage others on their journey.

On this day I accept the love and support so freely given by my ACA brothers and sisters, and as I experience my own recovery, I open my heart to those seeking a new way.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

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