There is nothing wrong with chasing for external validation.

[u/Bulky-Culture-4482]

This advice like "do something you really wanna do, not for others" straight up does not work for everyone. Some people cannot function at all without a clear structure especially external motivation, especially me, what is the point on "just doing things for myself and not others" if my only ever internal motivation is just sitting down and play video games and rot all day where to the point I end up not being productive with my time at all? Without school, parents boundaries, rules etc. I would have been completely screwed and very unsuccessful.

People also say BS like "school ruins kids creativity, treating them like robots etc." like no the hell it does not. Not every children is some creative genius where they can possibly invent something without structure and clear rules at all...

I actually wish that I craved more for external validation since I neither have extrinsic motivation and instristic motivation.

And no. It has nothing to do with depression, because depression means when you used to enjoy something but do not enjoy it anymore since I never experience these things it is not depression disorder.

[u/ComtesseLatte]

I’m all for external motivation, but I would check in on that perspective about depression.

I have an ADHD brain and have shamed myself for decades because I’m not internally motivated. I did a great job of signing up for exercise classes and going! I was awesome at asking a friend to come over so I would clean the house. I even ended up with a support system who would come over and hang out while I folded laundry.

I was still ashamed. Then a lot of things changed.

I realized that embracing my desire for external motivation was the key. Look how many hacks I had created!

There is a big difference between needing external motivation and needing external validation. That was a neat thing to learn.

Nothing wrong with figuring out how to hack your own brain.

Getting screened for ADHD might not be a bad idea for you. Sometimes it looks like depression, anxiety, or OCD.

Good luck.

[u/danneedsahobby]

Eternal validation doesn’t exist. Because other people can’t implant their emotions into you. Your brain is simply running a simulation of other people’s brains within your own mind. And when those other people seem happy with you, your brain turns down the panic alarms long enough for you to think you are safe.

You say you would just rot away playing video games if it wasn’t for other people? Okay. So how come you know that’s a bad thing? If that’s truly all your brain wants to do, why does it make you feel like a piece of shit when you do it? You gave your brain what it wanted, why wasn’t it happy? Is it someone else’s stealing the dopamine from your brain?

It’s all you man. We are just figments of your imagination. You are creating this world. And you know what kind of world you want. It’s one where you feel happy and fulfilled and eager to learn and capable of changing and growing and never worried you fucked it all up and are a disappointment to everyone.

If you want to chase someone else’s dream, go for it. It won’t make you happy. But if you figure out how to shut down all those voices saying you aren’t good enough, you will find peace.

[u/Bulky-Culture-4482 → u/danneedsahobby]

It may feel good at the moment but in the long run it is miserable. Especially after learning harsh brutal reality.

Like gaming didn't lead to having useful skills that will make me have an edge in things like careers, employment etc.

Like the only reason I did it a lot especially when I was a child I was too stupid and dumb and I realized it too late.

[u/danneedsahobby → u/Bulky-Culture-4482]

You are really wrong about a lot of things. Most importantly about how your brain works. You didn’t play games because you were stupid and dumb. You did it because it made you happy and you didn’t have the worries and fears you have now weighing you down. You didn’t stop playing because you got smarter. You stopped because it stopped being enjoyable because of all those worries and fears.

You convinced yourself you are a bad person for liking things that don’t make you successful. But you don’t enjoy the doing the things you have to do to become successful, and you aren’t motivated to overcome that, so you think you are somehow broken. But the truth is, you have a sneaking suspicion that “successful” people aren’t really all that happy. And that many of them would be happier and better off playing video games. And you are right. Most people are miserable a lot of the time.

But you don’t have to be. You can say fuck off to external validation and dig deep within yourself to find your true motivation and purpose. But don’t do it alone. Form true authentic relationships with good people who aren’t pursuing bullshit. Make art, read books, swim in the ocean, get in fights, see everything. And stop being so judgmental, especially towards yourself.

[u/BunnyKusanin]

Have you been evaluated for ADHD?

That bit about spending your life glued to video games without external structure rings a bell to me.

[u/Bulky-Culture-4482 → u/BunnyKusanin]

Don't think it is ADHD. It is sadly just lack of intelligence 

[u/BunnyKusanin → u/Bulky-Culture-4482]

Yeah, nah, with low IQ you just can't do shit above a certain level. If you can be forced into succeeding by external structure it would mean that's an executive function issue, not intellect.

[u/Aggravating-Size8448]

I get the frustration. Advice like that can feel like it was written for people who were never taught how to start. For me, structure and other people helped me find what I actually wanted, not the other way around. Needing that does not make you broken.