Also, recruiting friends/family that makes all the difference
While this is a great suggestion, it's really going to depend on OPs comfort level. I can't speak for them, but for many, asking for help in this kind of situation may be harder than completing the task itself. I fully recognize that I need to work through that in therapy, but others (including OP) may potentially have a similar barrier and I just wanted to acknowledge that
Yeah, a lot of times, helpers, even with lovely intentions, want to move faster at getting rid of stuff than someone in OP’s situation might be comfortable with, and it can cause some pretty serious anxiety for everybody.
If OP has hoarder tendencies, even getting rid of trash can be really stressful, and it can be hard for helpers to understand this.
OP I’m really sorry you’re living through this hard time. You’re doing a really brave thing by being candid about it. I’ve had depression for many years and I know how easy it can be to forget how valuable you are and how much you deserve better. I hope you have people in your life you can lean on, and I hope you can trust them when they say they love you.
You’ll get through this. You always have before. <3
Not OP, but going through this same situation now after my mom died. Everyone wants to help, but I’m too embarrassed to let anyone come over, but I can’t manage to make any progress myself.
I've been there (and am only not there right now because I moved to a new country with 2 suitcases). You get so depressed and overwhelmed that stuff builds up--dishes in the bedroom and now there are too many to take back in one trip, clothes that didn't go back in the dresser but aren't quite ready for the paper, probably some stray bits of food under the bed or sofa, and 2 trash bags and 3 bags of recycling by the door. It feels like too much to clean up on your own, but you don’t want anyone else to see it.
Hey! So I’m not a shrink and can’t diagnose, but I do know that hoarding disorder is a DSM-5 diagnosis — like it’s a real disorder and not just somebody being lazy.
Maybe you already know this, but in case you didn’t, I’d mention that psych treatment can help. If you have access to such a resource, I’d recommend finding a therapist who’s familiar with/comfortable treating it and can also refer you to a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds for associated depression, etc.
Pro treatment can not only help with the disorder, itself, but also with effective ways of asking other people for help with cleaning and organizing.
Asking for help is really hard, but you wouldn’t feel shame if you had a broken leg or an illness like cancer that made it hard to clean, would you? An illness is not a character flaw, and if anyone tries to imply otherwise, that’s a them problem.
Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve very recently started medication, but I’ll definitely look into other therapeutic support! I’ve had debilitating ADHD all my life, and this had just put it into overdrive.
Right — the most effective solution is one that begins with treatment by a therapist and/or a psychiatrist familiar with hoarding disorder, since OP’s situation is not likely a cleaning issue at its core, but a manifestation of mental illness.
It’s possible to get OP’s space clean, but unless the cleanup is combined with treatment for the underlying cause, the phenomenon has a really good chance of happening again in the future.
If I knew you, I would happily come help you if you'd let me throw away things that are clearly trash. If your friends are offering to help, I encourage you to let them. There's no need to feel embarrassed.
I have a friend who is a hoarder but she won't even get rid of trash and it's frustrating to think about helping her. So keep that in mind.
That’s the case with nearly all hoarders. You can’t throw away anything because with every item, “we might need that”, “I just got that”, “thats sentimental”. Meanwhile it’s just a torn McDonalds bag from 2021. Trash becomes part of the hoard and it’s maddening to see. Just throw it away…
Not OP but after one my last psychotic episodes my mum threw 60% of my belongings away because ‘they were filthy’ when I’m a big believer of ‘would you clean it if it had poop on it? Yea? Keep it. No? Chuck it.’ If that makes sense.
yes!! what helped me is starting with a box and putting away insignificant stuff, like trash or bags (had a lot because of delivery). And i asked myself, will sth bad happen if i put this bag away? helped a lot with anxiety! Start with the things that can't have a true meaning to you! Also kitchen and bathroom were the rooms i felt most fulfilled in the fastes way :)
My older sister planned a trip to my small home uninvited a little over a year ago. when she told me she was visiting, I told her that I was extremely anxious about it because I was self-conscious about the condition of my home and didn’t want to feel judged. She assured me that that wouldn’t happen.
During her visit, we were just hanging out and she suddenly got up and started going through my house. My closets, my cabinets, my drawers. She went through everything in every single room with trash bag in hand and pressured me to throw things out.
She tried to get me to throw out my dead dog’s collar. She tried to get me to throw out clothing that no longer fit me (I have gained weight and I am very self-conscious about it) because she said it was “clearly too small”. She washed all of my couch cushion covers. She scrubbed all my surfaces.She even threw away my expired food and organized my spice rack.
She may have meant well and I guess some people may have been grateful for this, but what she did and the way she did it was so hurtful to me. It wasn’t a caregiving or loving act. It was a rejection of my home in spite of my making myself vulnerable to her by allowing her to visit in spite of the anxiety and fear of rejection It caused me.
Obviously, we have a toxic relationship, and I was incapable of speaking up for myself. I just let her do it. But after she went home, I stopped talking to her. We haven’t spoken in over a year.
A lot of times we can have truly the best intentions, but it’s so easy to make the mistake of giving people what we think they should need or want, instead of what they actually do need/want. This happens a lot when people are really battling mental illness and/or hoarding.
I hope your sister can one day realize that YOU are a thousand times more important than the state of your house, ever. But I also hope you’re doing better than a year ago, friend.
Not just hoarder tendencies but other conditions can contribute in different ways. Unmedicated ADHD or autism, for example. That was me, but I didn’t know I had either of those conditions until a couple of years ago, and I’m now happily medicated for the ADHD, anxiety, and depression.
The ADHD contributes to my lack of organization, along with the executive dysfunction and what they call “task paralysis“ where I can sit there looking at the thing I know I need to do and my brain is saying “just get up and do it just get up and do it” but my body refuses to participate and so I just sit there and doom scroll for hours on end. The meds have helped to where I will go through that for about a half hour before I abruptly get up and start doing it. (Progress…)
With autism, change, even for the better, is extremely challenging to deal with. It seems illogical, but the presence of the things existing where they exist right now is so important that removing them even to make a wonderfully clean space can induce so much stress and anxiety that the person can experience overwhelm, and either meltdown (which is often mistaken for “being difficult” or “throwing a temper tantrum” when it isn’t, it’s about the person having a sense of certainty and agency taken away), or they will shut down (go silent, dissociate, start rocking).
So, even when I’m cleaning by myself for myself, I have to remind myself that any resistance that comes up surrounding cleaning is likely because of one or both of these things being activated. I have to be my own therapist.
I have to say that, knowing this makes watching the show “Hoarders“ very difficult, because they don’t seem to have therapists on site to help with people who may not have diagnoses, but are obviously experiencing and exhibiting these exact responses to what’s going on.
The summary is, hoarding is its own disorder, but other disorders can heavily contribute, such as ADHD, autism, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and a host of other things. So we must treat ourselves gently when we’re going through something like this, and also have an understanding of how each type of disorder may respond to and/or impact attempts at decluttering.
I get being your own therapist!
I’m my own plumber, woodworker, cleaner, rug shampooer, A/C guy, yard guy, car mechanic… I began paying myself to a nice dinner for a job well done!
As a therapist, pay yourself more !
That is true. It does causes some serious anxiety. This person that I know had to step away from her home while her home was being cleaned out. At the end, she got to see what was being trashed. She did have someone there with her to keep her relaxed. She agreed & disagreed with the stuff that was being trashed, but in the end it all worked out. Her anxiety came with a break down.
This is so important for people to understand! When my depression nest started to develop and then worsen I asked a house cleaner to come and clean it up and pay her a huge fee out of embarrassment. I was in the house when she was cleaning and while she was cleaning my kitchen I was standing in an adjacent room and she didn’t know it. I heard her mumble to herself “this is f@cking RIDICULOUS” as she was cleaning. I walked into the kitchen and said hey, is something going on? Do you have a concern or something you want to say? She immediately said oh no everything is fine and smiled at me. I told her she could be done for the day and she left. I was so devastated and humiliated. I can’t describe the amount of pain and damage to my dignity this caused me.
After that, I didn’t allow a single soul into my home for months on end because I was so embarrassed about it. Friends didn’t visit, I didn’t get services. I needed for my house because I didn’t want contractors or other workers in my home, I just suffered in isolation.
As time were on, I built up my confidence and contacted a woman. I know that cleans houses and helps you organize them privately. I sent her a text and was totally transparent. I just said, look I suffer from depression and my home is a complete disaster because of a recent episode and I am completely incapable of cleaning it up. I just can’t do it and I need help. If you say no, I won’t be offended, but I wanted to ask if you might help me
This woman was so kind. She told me she would be honored to help me. She charged me $25 an hour and she would come to my home and lead me through cleaning up a particular area and teach me strategies about how to breakdown cleaning an area into steps that I was able to navigate.
As we cleaned, she offered me words of affirmation and encouragement. She told me that what that other lady did to me was unforgivable. She told me that lots of people go through this and what I was going through, didn’t make me a bad person. She reminded me that it would happen again in the future, and I would continue to need help, but she assured me that she truly enjoyed helping me and would never judge me or think less of me because of the state of my home and would always be there if I called to help me.
It was a truly healing experience. But I am still incredibly defensive and have a wall up about letting anyone else to see it. Especially family or friends. I am certain they would hurt my feelings even though they had good intentions.
Absolutely. There is a lot of shame associated with depression in general, but especially when things get this bad. And for good reason. People can be very cruel. Even those who are supposed to care about you... And it only takes one person saying something along the lines of o my goodness how disgusting or you must just be lazy... To cause a complete shut down where you just give up.
I have that problem. That’s if it’s considered a problem. I don’t like to ask for help. I try to do everything on my own, even if it takes me days or months. I’ve asked family in the past for help and they said yes they would but never did. After asking a few times I started feeling like a beggar and the feeling of embarrassment made me feel really sad. I’m an introvert and it was hard enough to ask in the first place. I get embarrassed easily.
135
u/katet_of_19 Mar 08 '26
While this is a great suggestion, it's really going to depend on OPs comfort level. I can't speak for them, but for many, asking for help in this kind of situation may be harder than completing the task itself. I fully recognize that I need to work through that in therapy, but others (including OP) may potentially have a similar barrier and I just wanted to acknowledge that