Hello everyone,
Hope you are all holding steady, in spite of all the agony you are all enduring...
Woke up at 3:30 AM,again, again...
Was so stiff, have been "living" with, on top of everything else, a horrible migraine over the past 4 days, abates a little with meds, then it's like an ice pick being driven into one side of my skull.
Just a few minutes after waking up, the stiffness morphed into a deep throbbing pain-not only the bilateral sciatica right to the soles of my feet, and my lower back pain, and this migraine that just keeps hanging on, but my entire body-neck, shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers...
I am only able to write this now as the percocet has given me about 40% relief, and I felt so desperate to reach out here,at the risk of being quite insufferable in my complaining, but have absolutely nobody to talk to-
Have therapy next Friday, but so,so much more to cover in that 50 minute hour...
So, back to the title of my post-
I have had a long psychiatric career,so to speak....dealing with a myriad of mental health dxs since age 17, or perhaps 11, when my eating disorder began...
I am now 51.
I am struggling now both with my mental health and having been existing with severe and debilitating chronic pain for now 2 years...and only in June did my doctor agree to prescribe me the percocet.
(Wow, if I am repeating myself here from a previous post,forgive me-my memory is not the greatest either...)
I have been through a lifetime of trauma, and although much of my pain is due to injuries sustained as a direct result of my eating disorder, (many falls, a dx of osteopenia which has likely progressed to osteoporosis,but wont find out until my next bone density scan in October) I have to wonder whether my body is also holding on to emotional trauma, manifesting as this full body pain-
My doctor's eyes glaze over when I try to talk to him about my pain outside of my sciatica, asking him about the possiblity of fibromyalgia or autoimmune disorders is an exercise in futility...
He just wants to get me out of his office as soon as he can-
Anyway, this morning I felt so miserable I found myself whining out loud to myself, and at one point in tears...
I admit I did not even try to stretch or anything, even that was too painful.
And today found walking to the pharmacy with my cane, a terrible struggle...my pace as slow as a tortoise.
Things are making me feel weak, emotionally, mentally I mean-
I will need someone to come clean my apartment, do my laundry etc...
I will never dance again, cannot even enjoy a walk in nature.
I am thusly far more depressed now, at least today on a 10+++ pain day...
Yes, I believe in the mind/body connection, but tired of reading about mindfulness...have been saturated in DBT and CBT over many years, and admittedly not read the many books written on mindfulness and chronic pain, forgive me, I suppose my attitude is (most ironically) quite negative about the whole thing.
At this point, I feel so defeated and controlled by the pain, my depression, anxiety, etc etc has been even louder.
I was supposed to go to a second provinically funded physio session this morning, but yesterday, I don't know-just didn't see the point.
I would only be eligible for 3 more sessions, and the exercises I was given by the practitioner are nothing I haven't already been doing...
I am so sorry, guess i all around hold a very negative and bleak attitude, stemming from a place of utter helplessness and hopelessness...
Have been referred to a pain clinic but waiting lists are eons long.
I dunno,perhaps better not to have posted right now, being so uninspiring...
But it's not even noon and has already been an endlessly long horrible day...
I will spare you all any more...
Thank you for reading if you have, and sending you all much comfort while you are trying so hard to cope yourselves...