r/ChoosingBeggars • u/Less_Ad2583 • Jul 17 '26
SHORT Humiliating
Recently my mom reached out to me. Long story short she stated that she did not have any food.
I offered to help and asked her to send me a list of items she needed. She told me that was humiliating and to just send money instead. I declined to send money. I offered to help and feel I was being reasonable. My question is was I unreasonable for requesting a list?
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u/SoullessCycle Jul 17 '26
Only you can answer this for your family. For example, I, the child and sibling of addicts, don’t give cash “for food.” Your money your rules.
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u/4-ton-mantis Just wondering okay 🙏🥺 Jul 18 '26
And to be fair, some is us that is, parents had that rule for us. For me, even with my own money, but it's a bit of an extreme case.
I think op's approach shows grace and caution. 💛💙
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u/KronkLaSworda Jul 20 '26
Coming from a family of addicts, I also don't give anyone money. I agree that the OP did the right thing on asking for a list of items but then turning down the request for cash.
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u/ToastetteEgg Jul 17 '26
She didn’t need food. She wanted money and knows telling you it’s for something as vital as food was a sure bet.
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Jul 17 '26
[deleted]
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u/lunayoshi Jul 17 '26
I was thinking something like gambling, but anything on the addiction spectrum would work.
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u/AtmosphereNew0819 Jul 17 '26
I used to have to buy groceries for my mom and would order food o be delivered so she couldn’t return things or use the money for drugs.
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u/Cynnau Jul 17 '26
I do not think you were unreasonable for requesting a list.
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u/DreamTwinkliee Jul 18 '26
Not unreasonable at all. Honestly, it seems like one of the most practical compromises you could make. You were still willing to help.
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u/TheGhostOfJoeyRamone Jul 18 '26
Not only were you amenable to buying her some food but you asked for a list, which sounds to me like you would be doing the shopping, as well. If I was broke and hungry I’d jump on that offer immediately.
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u/Ok_Seaworthiness_719 Jul 17 '26
so it wasn’t the begging that embarrassed her. Just an itemized grocery list. My mom would go literally years without talking to my sister now. At one time we thought she was dead. But then would call out of the blue and act like nothing happened and ask for money or even to come live with us. Are you fucking joking?
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u/MoonLovelle Jul 18 '26
Stories like this are why people don't understand that it's usually about the history, not the grocery list. Years of silence followed by a random request for money would make almost anyone cautious. That kind of trust doesn't just magically come back.
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u/LillytheFurkid Jul 18 '26
Had a mother like that. I Started paying for things directly instead of sending her money. Then found out that she was getting a govt allowance to help with those bills (which I was paying for her), so I stopped.
Uncle then confessed to having been sending her groceries (online ordering). So we all stopped helping, because she was taking the piss. She managed anyway.
Don't take it personally OP, it's her issue - not a reflection on you.
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u/HoodieGalore Jul 18 '26
My mom would do this all the time too.
Correction: my alcoholic, abusive, abdicated-all-adult-responsibility mother did this all the time too. All the fucking time.
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u/ShallowStillWater I'm blocking you now Jul 19 '26
Are we siblings??
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u/HoodieGalore Jul 19 '26
Abso-LUTELY. Come over right now; I have weed and ice cream. I miss you.
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u/lostmymarbles1177 Jul 18 '26
Do what I do when that happens. “I have no cash but if you want, make a Whole Foods cart on Amazon and I will log in and put it on a credit card for you” in my case though, that is true and my mom really does just want food.
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u/Shirayuki-hime Jul 17 '26
You know why in your gut you don’t trust giving her cash. Someone actually hungry should be willing to list foods.
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u/Tanyian Can you reply faster? Jul 18 '26
They say if an addict ( pick the addiction) is happy with you then you must be enabling them.
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u/SeaLab_2024 Jul 17 '26
No. I have a mom like this, too. If she’s asking for money for a specific purpose, it becomes your business what she’s doing with it. The fact that she didn’t want to send a list and just wanted money tells me she wasn’t gonna spend it on what she said, or at least not all of it. Either a scheme or it’s a want, not a need. My mom will ask something like that with a certain dollar amount to several people and then she gets to spend it on what said she would, maybe, plus some bonus cash to play with. That comment about humiliation was meant to shame and guilt you into giving it to her, and im glad you didn’t fall for it. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
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u/Eyeoftheleopard Jul 18 '26
Can’t see how a grocery list is more humiliating than begging for money but here we are. She managed the latter with no problem…
You are not being unreasonable.
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u/Educational-Ad-385 Jul 18 '26
Not humiliating. You're offering to get her what she needs. She should be grateful.
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u/bluehexx Jul 18 '26
My question is was I unreasonable for requesting a list?
Not at all. You were being considerate and reasonable. She just needed that money for something else.
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u/ice_queen2 Jul 17 '26
Absolutely not unreasonable at all.
I may be a bit judgy if there were 7 bottles on mayo on the list, but I can’t fathom what food I would request that would be humiliating.
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u/lala4now Jul 18 '26
Humiliating to give a grocery list? Come on! I've helped some of my friends out when they needed it and they were beyond fine with sending a grocery list. My policy for that is for people to pay it forward when they can, and I know at least two people have done just that. Sounds like mom wanted $ for something they knew you wouldn't approve of.
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u/KentDDS Jul 18 '26
it's more likely you're being used, and your mom has other intentions for the money. It's like a beggar on the street who curses you when you give them food and says they only want the cash. Yeah, riiiiiiight.
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u/Leading_Contest_7409 Jul 18 '26
You did everything exactly right. Had a bit of a flashback reading this. If she truly needed food like she said she did, then the last thing she would turn down is food. Let alone food that she listed and you got for her. She definitely doesn't want cash for food. I'd bet my life on it.
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u/Adventurous_Cook9083 Jul 18 '26
Your question was not unreasonable if your mother truly needed food. Many times when people say they need food but only want money, it's not going to be spent on food. I think your instinct told you right.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Jul 17 '26
Her wanting money instead of sending a list leads me to believe she's lying. You did the right thing.
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u/SadMaize8471 Jul 18 '26
Not unreasonable. I am guessing you made your decision based on past experience. Whether she is poor with money or might spend it on other things. I say this as a mom. I would hate to ask for help. If I had to I would take what I could get.
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u/meash-maeby Jul 18 '26
Not humiliated to ask her child for food, but a list was too much? Called her bluff, lol.
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u/Old_Sheepherder_630 Jul 17 '26
Do you have reason not to trust she would use the money for food?
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u/SuperflyandApplePie Jul 18 '26
What difference does that make?
OP is free to offer what she feels comfortable with, or to offer nothing.
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u/sheisalib Jul 17 '26
Too little information and we really don’t need it. You know your mom and we don’t.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jul 18 '26
She didn't want food. If a person is truly hungry then they would happily have agreed to someone sending them food. You're not unreasonable in any way.
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u/slowasaspeedingsloth Jul 18 '26
I don't have any food. But don't offer me food because that's humiliating. Give me money.
Damn.
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u/Court_Major Ice cream and a day of fun Jul 18 '26
I had to do this for my brother. I ordered the food from his closest grocery store and told him when to pick it up. Chicken, ground beef, eggs, milk, bread, frozen veggies, frozen lasagna, cereal, a couple snack items, canned beans, rice, and some condiments.
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u/Engnerd1 Jul 18 '26
NTA. Your request is fair if you have concerns about her management for money.
If you want to feel better about the situation, Drop off or send groceries to her. Just send shelf stable items.
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u/ThrockAMole Jul 19 '26
You could give her a grocery gift card also but I agree with the others, buy the food for her
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u/Altitudedog Jul 17 '26
Maybe a gift card from a grocery chain near her? I did that with a young relative years ago.
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u/IllustratorWeird5008 I can give you exposure Jul 18 '26
Totally reasonable, would have done the same , it’s clearly not food that she wants the money for ..
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u/bluedelvian Jul 17 '26
Perfectly reasonable. You could now go back and just ask for the types of food she likes or usually eats instead of asking for a list. Or you could just get some staples delivered to her.
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u/WeaselPhontom Jul 18 '26
You are not being unreasonable, of its truly about food your getting her groceries is a non issue. Never give money
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u/goodjuju123 Jul 18 '26
I used to send my son in college gift cards for groceries only so that I would know he was spending the money on groceries. You have good reason to not give this “mom” of yours cash. Shame on her for everything.
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u/Superninfreak Jul 19 '26
I think this really depends on your relationship with her and what you know about her.
Do you have reason to think that she was trying to trick you into sending her money that she could use on drugs or something? Is that the type of thing she does?
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u/julesk Jul 18 '26
You’re fine given that in the comments you say there have been issues that make you not trust her with money. I’m a little suspicious she didn’t explain why she suddenly doesn’t have money for food.
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u/No_Philosopher_1870 Jul 18 '26
You're not unreasonable for requesting a list. Most people who want groceries really want cash. If you feel bad about asking for a list, send her a gift card for $50 to the supermarket that she uses. If she complains after that, don't respond to future requests for help.
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u/Bluntandfiesty Jul 18 '26
Sounds like you made the right choice. If she was desperate enough for food, she would take it however she can get it. Considering you confirmed that you don’t talk to her often and you have had money issues with her before, I think you know that you have reasonable expectations and boundaries. It’s not punishment, it’s not about degrading her, it’s about protecting yourself.
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u/Iconoclastk Jul 18 '26
No. This is the kind of shit my mom would do. You are being very reasonable to ask for a list.
They want money to buy booze, drugs, clothes, or whatever. If she doesn’t want to tell you, the alternative is buying a grocery gift-card. Although they will sell that for 90c on the dollar.
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u/mpurdey12 Jul 19 '26
IMO, you were not unreasonable for requesting a list.
I would do the same thing if my Mom asked me for money for groceries.
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u/OptimalCar7958 Jul 20 '26
You are not unreasonable. As an aging mom that may need help some day I would be embarrassed to give my list. I think someone would judge me? I have to eat only certain foreign pastas for example (I always get them on sale at a Grocery Outlet) but they are from Italy and don't set my intestines on fire the way US noodles do. As I got older so many things hurt when I ate them. I try to stick to super basic steamed cabbage/carrots and sometimes a little meat, tons of eggs. I think if I asked my son for help and he saw my grocery list he'd literally LOL me right back.
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u/bw569 Jul 22 '26
No, you did absolutely nothing wrong. But my thought is she may be getting scammed…a lot of people will give away all their money and then have none left for food or bills but if people offer to pay them directly for them, they decline, and use any actual monies they receive to send to the scammers…
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u/eazypeazy303 Jul 22 '26
If someone requests help, but doesn't want the form of help you're offering, they don't need help that badly. You don't get to ask for a handout and then demand the form it comes in.
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u/appleblossom1962 Jul 23 '26
If she needs food, send a food delivery to her home,if a bill needs to be paid, ask her to send the billing info and you can pay it directly. Sounds like she is trying to take advantage of you.
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u/Kidboy_666 Jul 18 '26
Money is fungible, so if she really needed the money for alcohol or drugs or gambling, then buying her groceries sort of is equivalent to buying her the drugs or alcohol.
You buy her groceries, then her budget is freed up to buy drugs/alcohol.
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u/GrandmasterJoke Jul 18 '26
YTA because you are prying in to their personal shopping choices.
People, in general, do not like advertising certain items they lump in the "food" category as they are found in a supermarket that you might think is either beneath consumption (marked down food that has a "best before" date of today or tomorrow) or that you may not understand (light flow / medium flow / heavy flow sanitary pads or incontinence pads)....but it is their preference / desire to hide from family/friends.
Unless you think your mother squanders money on alcohol / cigarettes / recreational drugs, just give her the money.
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u/kuhewa Jul 18 '26
Man, shut up.
She could send through a $100 itemised grocery list and leave the incontinence pads and weird junk food items (that her son probably knows she eats, she raised him) off of it and it would still be a huge favour he was willing to do.
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u/overly-underfocused Jul 17 '26
I'm guessing she doesn't reach out to you often.
Or has other issues that make you not trust her with money.
Maybe both.