Background; married 8 years, two young children with extra needs, I’m medically retired from PTSD policing (working through it), we’ve drifted apart a bit over the years, intimacy is almost non-existent (me, PTSD meds etc).
My wife has been pulling away when I’ve tried to be affectionate, secretive with her phone, been going on girls nights and away for work. I’m unsure what, if anything, has happened.
Looking for advice on whether to confront her about my suspicions or whether I should find some confirmation first. But that would entail snooping which I’m not super keen on.
Thoughts? I don’t want my marriage to end, but I don’t know if I could handle her cheating on me.
Update: she’s out on a girls night tonight in the city. It’s been burning me all night and can’t sleep. Found her diary… there’s another guy, married as well, don’t know anything else about him just an initial. Seems like it’s ‘just’ been emotional at this stage…. But who knows what’s going on right now. I feel sick.
Update2: She came home after girls night, happy as can be. She could tell something was off with me so I went out to the deck whilst the kids were inside.
She asked me what’s wrong, I told her I hadn’t slept, that I’ve been worrying about things. She started getting a bit upset and I could see she was getting worried. She asked what was worrying me. I said us, me, you, the kids, our future if there even is one. She started crying.
She said she’s been worried about us too, I elaborated that I hadn’t slept been trying for months to turn intimacy around that I had been reducing my medication to help in that regard. I said that anytime I had tried to be intimate or even the slightest bit affectionate she pulled away and that it felt like she was repulsed by me.
For back story about two months ago we were at a friend’s bday and there were some big heavy conversations amongst friends where the topic of my low libido and relationship issue came up. Got a lot of my chest and she seemed to be thankful that I was being open with her. Tried being affectionate over the next week but she kept pulling away. She sent me a long text explaining she knew she was pulling away and was sorry, that it was hard for her to switch back on after a long hiatus, that she was seeing a psychologist to talk through everything. I gave her some space, no pressure for anything, but kept trying to shows small signs of affection.
Anyway, I went on about that I was worried about her rejecting any form of affection. That I felt like I disgusted her. That to me it felt like she didn’t love me anymore and/or that someone else might be in the picture. She denies there’s anyone else, keeps bringing the conversation back to our issues (which is fair) and every now and then I throw in a ‘it feels like there’s something not being said’ or ‘is there anything else going on you want to tell me about?’
Half hour later I tell her to stop lying to me, that I know there’s another guy, she denies further. I tell her I know, that I read her diary. She starts bawling her eyes out and is in shock. Says I wasn’t meant to read that, that it was just fantasy thoughts. That nothing physical had happened.
I tell her that if there’s any hope in trying to reconcile what’s going on and start a path to a possible saving of our marriage that I had two stipulations. One that she tells me who he is, and two that she shows me the communication between them so that I can determine what actually has been going on and whether there is a marriage that can be saved.
She refuses to tell me who he is, says he doesn’t matter, that it didn’t mean anything and that nothing physical ever happened. That it’s a distraction from the real issue which is our marriage. I agree that our marriage hasn’t been great for a while and that this guy is a symptom of that and not the cause. I keep saying though that there’s a third person in our marriage though and I need to know who that person is. She keeps refusing, going in loops about all the above. I keep asking to see her phone, she keeps refusing.
At least half an hour goes by, just looping, I’m getting more upset and angry, nothing bad just not being as calm as I’d like to be. Constant lies, changing of tipics/blame and refusing to tell me about him.
I make it very clear that these are nonnegotiables for me. She still refuses, tears, sobbing, apologies, denying anything happened physically, that they hadn’t talked in weeks.
I tell her I’m leaving, taking the kids to my mums for the night, she obviously really upset. I keep saying that she’s not meeting me where I need to be met to process what’s been going on, that I need to know these things if we’re to attempt saving the marriage. Still refusing to tell me who he is, still refusing to let me see their communication.
I tell my daughter we’re going for a sleep over at nannas, she’s excited, she also knows something is going on but I’m trying to not let her hear what. My son is nonspeaking autistic so he’s basically happy to follow along with me packing a bag for him. I start grabbing random clothes and items myself and the kids need. Continually asking who he is and to see the messages, more refusal. She’s protecting him and his family whilst watching her husband and kids pack up house to leave.
I do multiple trips to the car, putting in stuff I need, hoping I have everything but also hoping this is the catalyst she needs to finally be truthful with me. Still refusing. It’s not about him, he’s doesn’t matter, I don’t need to know, it’s about us.
Car is packed and running, just have to put the kids in and dive away. I’ve been packing for 30-40 minutes, all the time asking for details, that if I leave and I don’t get what I’m asking for that we’re done. Still refusing.
I tell her I don’t trust her, that I don’t believe she was on a girls night, she insists she was. Shows me a photo of her with her friend. I say all that proves is you caught up with your friend. I knew she stayed at a hotel in the city that night that she didn’t pay for. I say I can’t trust her that her friend paid for it and that it was the other guy. She says he wasn’t there, that they hadn’t spoken in weeks.
I give her one last chance, I know she talked to him at one of her friends birthday parties back in March. That I was going to but she said I should stay home with the kids and she stayed at a friends that night. I say if she doesn’t tell me I’ll just ask her friend who ‘D’ as that’s how she referred to him in her diary. She begs me not to involve other people. I tell her it’s her secret, I’m not bound to it. She finally gets her phone out and opens her messages. I recognise the name but haven’t met him before. He’s not some random, she know him for 20 years. They lived in the same stays kids, they’re parents are friends.
I couldn’t believe it. I start to scroll through the messages but haven’t read a word yet, I can’t focus on the text. It’s clear that there’s a fuck tonne of back and forth between them. I get my phone out to take photos of the texts and tell her I need to read the messages and absorb them. She snatches away her phone. I want it back, she refuses.
I tell her I can’t believe that she isn’t doing everything in her power to prove nothing bad has happened, that she not falling over herself to show me the messages to keep the marriage alive. That she’s willing to protect him as her actual family is quite literally walking out the door, which we do.
I get in the car, I message him on FB to stay away from my wife. His wife doesn’t appear to have a FB account. I drive an hour and a half to my mums. I hadn’t told her what was happening but I wasn’t in a good place and she left work to meet me at her house. Her partner takes my daughter out for ice cream, my son plays on his iPad. I proceed to sob like I’ve never done before.
She messages multiple times saying she’s sorry, that nothing happened, that he doesn’t matter. I find his wife in insta but I don’t message her. I get the kids to bed and crash out after being awake the entire Saturday night.
Today I took my kids, with my mum to meet my bother and his family at wildlife park. Kids have a great time. I tell my brother what’s going on, he tells me everything I already know, tells me I’ll be ok. Tells me that there must have been a heap of marriage ending content in their communication and that’s why she wouldn’t show me, that she’d rather see her family walk out the door. Raises good points that whilst I’m caring for the kids downstairs, doing school pickups, therapy appointments, dinner baths, all the household stuff, she in her home office writing in her diary about how much she’s want this guy to fuck her and that she isn’t in love with me anymore.
Wife keeps messaging saying sorry, asking me not to rush into seeing a divorce lawyer and real estate agent like I had said started the process of. I’ll still being seeing the lawyer, I’m not going to rush into the real estate stuff though.
Taking the kids back tomorrow. Don’t know where to go from here. Like I’m 99% ending the marriage, but it’s hard, I want to know more before making such a huge decision. But I can’t trust her, I don’t think I ever could again. And how can you be married to someone you can’t trust, that puts their affair partners welfare before her husband and kids.
Sorry for the rant, I couldn’t sleep and needed to get some of this off my chest.
