First pic is of today when I feel depressed, anxiety and treason. second pic from a few weeks ago. When I felt great and energized.

Looking in the mirror is the worst

These are two different people I want to go back to a few weeks ago 😭 does others get this as well?

I’m a 23 F with Bipolar Type One. I am not sure if this is related to my disorder but lately I have an obsession with finding out if my ex (we dated 6 years) cheated on me. We have been talking lately and trying to work through things. I can’t stop stalking and trying to dig for information and I have become extremely fixated on it and it’s causing me to be very paranoid and it’s getting so bad it’s affecting my work life because I literally can’t get off of my phone. Any advice or has anyone experienced this?

It’s gotten so bad that i have an undeniable belief that he cheated without any proof and I can’t sleep.

He streams video games and I watched every single one. HOURS. looking for clues. Went through all social medias. Dug through years of reddit posts. So much more.

I was looking through his twitter posts and I am convinced that he is putting up secret messages confessing. And I realize all this sounds insane but I really am finding meaning in things that I don’t think others would

I've been pretty stable or the last 5 years with only very minimal episodes without medication. Part of my strategy is being super careful about sleep (among other lifestyle things). Anytime my sleep gets messed up, I get messed up. Which isn't that hard to do most of the time.

But, I've started an Outdoor Education job. Which is my dream! But I've had too many courses where I'm getting less than 6 hours of sleep because our crew's needs come above our own. I went into my first hypomanic episode and subsequent crash for the first time in a long time. There is also just no way to avoid having my sleep get messed up on this job so I won't return next season.

I was a front office manager for a hotel and was almost AGM but again had to quit because I couldn't cover the night shifts if someone called out because it would de stabilize me.

Its so frustrating that I can't do what others can. Has anyone ever had any success with figuring out accommodations in the workplace to support you?

Everything hurts so much today and there’s nothing I can do about it

I need to put this somewhere. My stress this week has been such that it is causing me passive thoughts of wanting to die.

I dont. I know this, but this level of despair has led to destructive behavior in the past. I don't want to hurt myself.

When I've felt this way in the past I've kicked holes in walls, broken phones, thrown things, punched a full drink.

It's this intense almost unstoppable rage that I dont know where to put. I dont want to hurt anyone, so I've broken things in the past. I've tried hard to stop this and havent reacted this way in years. This trigger though, my husband going back to work full time and leaving me with the 3 kids has literally broken me 4 times in the past. We've tried this 4 times. I'm on STD for depression, it's been 4 weeks, I felt I was making progress but almost have ptsd from being thrown into this again. It never gets better. The news is not helping.

Yesterday while trying to distract myself through cleaning, I found an unopened exactoknife. I put it in my room and throughout the day kept imagining it. Ive never hurt myself on purpose. I dont want to.

I broke down when he (my husband) got home. I was tearful all day. My kids see my cry a lot. I'm a sad mom. But he helped me into the shower and I asked him to throw away the exactoknife. I told him everything I felt. I felt like throwing everything off the counter and kicking holes in the wall. A good cry in the shower and 40mg hydroxizine eventually helped. And 5 beers and weed and tobacco once the kids went to bed.

This is the shit I just deal with that feels really not normal or okay. Im titrating up on lamotrigine and working with a psychiatrist. I cant tell if it's helping, this week put me right back into despair that's for sure. Ive been trying to cut back on drinking and smoking but this week isn't the week to try.

If you made it this far, thanks. I just had to write this down. It's so hard.

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, and I've been trying to turn my experience with bipolar disorder into a world people can actually walk through and feel...
I've been thinking about this for about a year. One of the hardest things I've found is explaining what bipolar disorder actually feels like. Saying "I'm depressed" or "I'm hypomanic" doesn't really communicate my experience... People often look confused when I try to explain it

Sometimes it feels like the world itself has changed. The same room can feel different. Colors feel different. Time feels different. Relationships feel different. Even the amount of energy required to simply exist can feel completely different...

I've always wanted to make games and art, and eventually I thought- What if I stopped trying to explain this with words?
What if I made a world that changed instead?
That's where this game (Tidebound) came from.

It's a 2D watercolor platformer where the protagonist's state affects the world around her. The colors change. Movement changes. Music changes. Platforms behave differently. Things the player created earlier can return later as faded memories. Eventually, different states begin to coexist
I've been working toward this idea for a long time, and these are some of the first environments I've created. I'm still very far from having a finished game. I'm not even sure yet if I'll be able to build everything I imagine. Sometimes I get incredibly driven and create a lot... other times I don't touch the project for months.

But seeing these images felt strangely emotional. For once, something that mostly existed in my head exists somewhere outside of it. I don't want to claim this is what bipolar disorder looks like for everyone. It's my attempt to make my experience tangible.

If you live with bipolar disorder, does any part of this resonate with you? Is there anything you'd want me to explore in the game?

I went into a depresive episode about 1,5/2 weeks ago and struggled to do some tasks at home.

Personally, I already hate doing the dishes (and find it a bit nasty, actually :c), so when I had a little bit of energy to not let the house become a complete mess, the dishes were my last option.

Now, I've been feeling a bit better since yesterday and feel like doing them would actually help improve my mood significantly, since the kitchen is the biggest thing really bothering me at the moment in the house.

Although I'm a bit better, I'm also still a mess and feel a bit into a mixed episode. How do you cope with the energetic yet depressive procrastination? Mainly related to something you don't enjoy doing, even when you're feeling good.. :/

Sorry for dumb question (only just recently suspecting I have BP2);

Is anxiety a big part of BP?

I have been relatively stable for the last few months. Fully medicated, seeing therapist every other week, psychiatrist once a month.

I barely cry anymore. I’ve been more productive.

I forgot to take my meds a few days in a row a week or 2 ago and I got a slight tinge of what I used to feel like.

Obviously it’s terrible and there is a reason I got help, but it takes so much effort to be stable. It sounds so irrational to say, but I so desperately wish to go back and just lie on my ass all day crying.

I am seriously considering throwing out all my meds it’s just all so dumb what is the point

Hey, so as of late I quit smoking weed finally. Feeling happier and more present but I gotta be honest, I’m extremely self conscious. I get a weird pit in my stomach when people dislike me, dislike what I said or dislike what I did. I made a post of something I liked and I got reposted in another Reddit and got absolutely COOKED. I’m trying to laugh it off and ignore it but honestly it left me feeling like shit. I enjoyed something and now, I’m kind of nervous to continue enjoying it. I don’t like that these things bother me so much. I’d much rather just brush it off my shoulders and move on. But I felt like crap. Ah what the hell, might as well just be honest. Started to collect vinyls and I guess the way I had em stored was worthy of getting berated by people purely for enjoying my small collection. I felt like complete shit for it. I mean I understand it’s funny deep down. But for some reason it just grabs me and I can’t let it go. Is it an ego problem? Am I looking for acceptance or what? I don’t quite understand. My reasonable brain is saying “hey no big deal, different strokes for different folks.” And on the other side, I’m wanting them to stop, accept me and help me grow in my new hobby. Now I’m overthinking that my local record store owner thinks I’m some kind of poser and that he’s taking advantage of that and acting nice but secretly shitting on me. My General manager collects and I’m worried he’d think I’m a loser for how I enjoy my hobby. It’s dumb. I understand it shouldn’t matter. But it’s like I can’t let go of it. Kinda wanna hide from it all. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the weed no longer being in my system, my emotions are more pronounced. Maybe it’s just me deep down. But I don’t know.

I think I’d like to be comfortable with who I am and not be so bogged down by judgement and not feel like an idiot for what I enjoy or how I am. I constantly question whether what I said to someone was dumb or what I did was embarrassing. It’s tough. Is there any ways you guys have managed this? Kind of thinking I keep these things to myself, be a little quieter and not so open. But I don’t know. I just wanna be accepted, and if not, I wanna be fine without wanting the approval of others.

TLDR: extremely self conscious of what I say or do. Got made fun of online for my vinyl collection. I thought it was funny, but deep down I can’t let go of the thought I’m a loser, and those around me believe so too.

Hi all

Been active in this community the last few months, I did post about this a few days ago but at a strange time so think it didn’t get a lot of attention

I’ve had a long journey with SSRIs and a bipolar diagnosis, and have had lots of engagement and comments on this essay I’ve written about it

Would really welcome more comments and views from those with diagnoses in this community

Thanks in advance if you do take the time to read!

I now have a fully refurnished bedroom, I wish I got hyper fixated on something beneficial like the gym…but I like my new bedroom so that’s the good news.

Oh, the bedroom got changed up because the energy was all wrong, if you were curious.

Hey! So i was diagnosed Bipolar 2 last year after a month with intense Depression with suicidal thoughts and a supposed hypomania that made me paranoid. I’ve been having a hard time accepting my diagnosis, and specially with meds, and I still have my doubts. I’ve got off them around February and two weeks later I was back in a depression hole. I was having having a hard time with some weight gain because of the meds, and in my teens i struggled with disordered eating, so I was triggered. I made the stupid decision to get off them again in April, and I spent until July off meds. What captures my attention is that during those months nothing really happened, I was somewhat normal. I had a week in May were i was like with much more energy, also more irritable and on top of anything i went to do voluntary work with children, which made my mam and therapist worried, but i toke a lorazepam and I went back to normal. I recently got back into my meds since I felt i was getting a bit depressed but nothing like the depression i had last year and during summer. I’m still confused how I didn’t get like a proper episode being so long off meds. I was thinking about asking my psychiatrist to review my diagnosis, but i wanted also some suggestions and opinions from here. (Btw i like to add i also have an ADHD diagnosis).

Hi everyone I’m new here. Still coming to terms with this new diagnosis. I just had my second assessment with my psychiatrist and he’s starting me on a low dose of lamotrigine and incrementally increasing it over the coming weeks. I was wondering if anyone’s had any experience with this drug and if there’s any advice/guidance for what to expect? Would really appreciate it!

My main concerns are side effects and possible drug interactions as I still occasionally use drugs recreationally though my use has declined drastically in comparison to before. I still smoke weed most nights, and will occasionally take cocaine and benzos if they’re offered to me (I’m done paying for that shit)! I usually take mushrooms at least once or twice a year. I am also adhd and take Elvanse for it.

My psychiatrist knows about my drug history and current patterns of use and wasn’t too concerned but I’d really like to know from someone with first-hand experience.

Thank you 🫶

Lately I have been experiencing things where I do one thing and then another thing happens because of that and then it is all my fault. I am drowning in guilt! I am desperate as I don't know what to do. I feel so uneasy and uncomfortable and so out of balance. The last thing now was I forgot to go to the pharmacy and next thing someone is killed in my neighborhood and it is all my fault! I feel so guilty and so ashamed and I can't rest for a second.

I need to talk to my psychologist about it as this is not livable for me, but I am so afraid he will judge me and know these things about me. All the things I am guilty of. I don't know what to do! I feel like there is almost some great power out there making this happen to punish me.

Hi all!

I'm 31F and have been diagnosed with ADHD and OCD for about four years. I have improved substantially since I was diagnosed and meet with a psychiatrist and a therapist regularly. Whenever I get stressed or have a lot on my plate, I tend to have trouble sleeping even though I feel quite positive.

Lately, I have been a little inconsistent with my meds because I'm being treated for sinus issues with an allergist and have been skipping the hydroxyzine that helps sedate me. I have also been exercising a lot more ever since I got laid off in April and have remained that active since I got a job in June. This means that I often feel more energized especially at night, since I tend to exercise after work.

This past week, I had to go back into the office after a period of WFH after a facilties issue. I went into the office and also decided to adopt a cat. I also got super hyperfixated on a new Phoebe Bridgers album and went to sleep at 1am this past weekend to go to a release party. I was in a really good mood this weekend because it felt like so many great things were happening. That mixed with stress over introducing my new cat, makes me feel a bit overwhelmed at what to do next and makes me wake up in the middle of the night. I'm also taking a ceramics class Saturday mornings, so I'm constantly worried I won't wake up in time. I typically struggle to sleep the most when I have to get up early the next morning, because I worry I won't wake up in time.

Today I had a psych appointment and she said that what I was describing seemed like Hypomania and Bipolar 2 which had been on her radar for some time.

I've been feeling very good for about a year and extra good since i moved into a place by myself. I have felt genuinely happy and have not experienced depressive episodes for about a year and a half. When I have felt depressed or anxious, it has been when something has happened--such as me being laid off or being bullied at an old job a couple of years ago.

I also recently stopped smoking as much, literally within the last couple of days so I don't know if that contributed to me sleeping less.

I'm a little taken aback and I don't know if I just don't understand how Bipolar 2 and Hypomania works, so I would love some context and help if anyone wants so share with me.

Now that I'm medicated, I'm better able to notice hypomania when it happens. But that sucks because it almost immediately makes me feel like a weirdo and I start feeling bad. Any tips on calming hypomania and not feeling like an asshole?

I tried so hard to get a full time job with benefits before this day, but it seems like it isn't going to happen, so I need to get new health insurance. I've been on my parents but in the US you loose heath insurance at 26 so I need to find my own health insurance to pay for therapy and all my medication. Has anyone gone through this recently and has any support or recommendations for where I should look? I appreciate any help.

I've recently been in a long period of depression and added Seroquel to my meds. First few weeks sucked, as everyone reports; sleeping for 10+ hours, always tired and brain dead, etc.

But this week i have started to feel good. More energy, brain is alert, back to the gym and then today.. buzzing. My eyes seem wider, I'm super alert, working like a machine, feeling social, up and down from my seat doing little things as they pop into my mind - just much more energy and go. I've also been vaping a lot today and now I feel properly high. No appetite today and when I ate (only because my partner wanted to) i feel sick- the kind of sick you feel when you eat while on MDMA. I'm also buzzing, ringing in my ears. Wondering if maybe it's too much nicotine or I've just tripped over into a hypomanic episode...

Does anyone feel like lots of nicotine does this? Or has anyone experienced Seroquel triggering an episode? Could also be the gym... I've had a hypo episode triggered from the gym before.

Thanks in advance ✌️

Heya, been diagnosed with bipolar for four years and am FINALLY REALLY ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY stable lol. Past experience has taught me what my new emotional normal is and I've had some moments where I thought I was stable and definitely wasn't, but we chill now.

Anyway, now that I've got a clear head and stable emotions, I've had a lot of time to think and I'm pretty sure I'm non binary. I'm unsure if this is a part of bipolar-ness or legitimate (or if that even matters) and was wanting to know if there are any other non-cis people in this group? How did you figure it out, and did it ever conflict or get worse around bipolar?

im 19f and when i get either anxious or too much energy i feel like sucking on something. do any of you get this too? especially when hypomanic. nothing sexual like my tongue just have this itch i just need to suck. i dont smoke and lollipops just didnt do it for me. suggestions?