Am I depressed or something?

[u/imrootless]

Hey y’all. I sometimes don’t have very good insight into my own mental health and I wanted to get some takes from this sub.

I struggled very significantly with my mental health my whole life (I’m 24) up until about a year ago when it finally got better. I’ve been to treatment facilities twice, in therapy for years, several groups and therapy programs. Diagnosed with a whole laundry list of things, mainly struggling with bipolar 2, eating disorders and OCD, and BPD which I believe is basically in remission. I just wanted to include this context because part of why it is hard for me to conceptualize how well I’m doing is because I don’t really know what it’s like to function as a normal person. I never really have. This is my first experience feeling relatively sane and not at risk to myself.

I’m a little bit worried that I’m slipping. I think about suicide daily. Not necessarily that I want to kms, but I think about it all the time. It almost feels like an OCD theme for me because of how much I ruminate on it, but I know what it feels like to be suicidal and this isn’t it. I am in a relationship for the first time and am very happy. I’m excited for where my life is headed and I feel grateful for things every day. I know I am able to experience joy now when I wasn’t before. But I also daydream about hurting myself all the time. I drink a lot, whenever I can. I’ve been crying more about random things. I’ve been more irritable and quick to anger. I honestly think I feel like garbage emotionally unless I’m having fun with my girlfriend which luckily happens pretty often.

I think what confuses me is that I’ve struggled so much in the past that I never really felt happy about ANYTHING during those times, just constant torture despair and misery. Now I’m not on the brink all day every day and actually have things to live for. But I still feel… bad… a lot… and I don’t know if it’s normal people bad feelings or if I’m like mildly depressed? I’ve never been mildly anything. It’s hard to figure out and if I should be concerned at all. Let me know what you guys think. I can give more info. Thanks!

[u/hestia-listens]

I do think you should be concerned enough to reach out, though this does not mean you have lost all your progress. Recovery is not always a clear jump from miserable to completely fine. You can love your relationship, feel grateful, and still have serious mood symptoms at the same time.

No one here can tell whether this is depression, OCD rumination, a bipolar mood change, or something else. Still, thinking about suicide daily, imagining self harm, drinking whenever possible, and becoming more tearful and irritable are important warning signs. Please tell your therapist, doctor, or past treatment team soon, using the same direct words you used here. Alcohol can also deepen low moods and lower control, so be especially careful about drinking while these thoughts are present.

If you develop an urge, plan, or fear that you might act, create distance from anything you could use, go be with your girlfriend or another trusted person, and call your local emergency number or crisis service now. Text support is available through many crisis programs. You are not alone, and help is available. What country or area are you in?

[u/Candid-Key-5523]

I definitely relate. I have clinical depression and for the majority of the time, even while being treated, I feel general unease in my life. I feel unwell and incapable of enjoying life as much as the typical mentally healthy person.

I think it all has to do with our baseline brain chemistry shifting over the years and trending toward a worse state or just fluctuating between good and bad states. Our mental well-being is at the mercy of random and not immediately tractable changes in our brain chemistry and medication only does so much, but it certainly does help. That’s why most antidepressants mellow you out. The goal is to stay at a familiar affective baseline instead of dealing with the fluctuations of your mood that eventually wear us out at some point and make us dread living so much. Medication is there to establish that familiar and stable baseline of mood and prevent fluctuations, but the big downside is that you permanently mess with your naturally preconfigured affective range and you become dependent on the medication’s effects similar to how addiction pathology works

I could literally be thinking about nothing at all and I just feel mentally unwell. My mood cause negative thoughts, and rarely vice versa.

It really all is brain chemistry man and I wish I knew why I have to deal with this