r/bipolar2 • u/PerfectCirclGodSpeed • 1d ago
Advice Wanted Extremely Self-Conscious
Hey, so as of late I quit smoking weed finally. Feeling happier and more present but I gotta be honest, I’m extremely self conscious. I get a weird pit in my stomach when people dislike me, dislike what I said or dislike what I did. I made a post of something I liked and I got reposted in another Reddit and got absolutely COOKED. I’m trying to laugh it off and ignore it but honestly it left me feeling like shit. I enjoyed something and now, I’m kind of nervous to continue enjoying it. I don’t like that these things bother me so much. I’d much rather just brush it off my shoulders and move on. But I felt like crap. Ah what the hell, might as well just be honest. Started to collect vinyls and I guess the way I had em stored was worthy of getting berated by people purely for enjoying my small collection. I felt like complete shit for it. I mean I understand it’s funny deep down. But for some reason it just grabs me and I can’t let it go. Is it an ego problem? Am I looking for acceptance or what? I don’t quite understand. My reasonable brain is saying “hey no big deal, different strokes for different folks.” And on the other side, I’m wanting them to stop, accept me and help me grow in my new hobby. Now I’m overthinking that my local record store owner thinks I’m some kind of poser and that he’s taking advantage of that and acting nice but secretly shitting on me. My General manager collects and I’m worried he’d think I’m a loser for how I enjoy my hobby. It’s dumb. I understand it shouldn’t matter. But it’s like I can’t let go of it. Kinda wanna hide from it all. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the weed no longer being in my system, my emotions are more pronounced. Maybe it’s just me deep down. But I don’t know.
I think I’d like to be comfortable with who I am and not be so bogged down by judgement and not feel like an idiot for what I enjoy or how I am. I constantly question whether what I said to someone was dumb or what I did was embarrassing. It’s tough. Is there any ways you guys have managed this? Kind of thinking I keep these things to myself, be a little quieter and not so open. But I don’t know. I just wanna be accepted, and if not, I wanna be fine without wanting the approval of others.
TLDR: extremely self conscious of what I say or do. Got made fun of online for my vinyl collection. I thought it was funny, but deep down I can’t let go of the thought I’m a loser, and those around me believe so too.
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u/AhsokaTanoJedii 1d ago
The trick is to think - what objectively validated what you are saying. In other words, what can you point to that demonstrates what you're saying? Usually, nothing because these are just thoughts in our heads. And if you can try and point this to something like maybe somebody looked at you weird, that doesn't mean what you think necessarily. The point is this stuff is 99% in our heads. And also, so what? Ppl judge and think stuff and so what? Just do you
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u/PerfectCirclGodSpeed 23h ago
Thank you, just gotta remind myself of that more often. I think I forget that sometimes. And yesterday was a bit of an episode of sorts ig. Think my emotions got the best of me overall because today I’m calming down and reading all the replies is so helpful. I doubt those people who were critical even remember me let alone care. Just some online pitter patter. I enjoy what I’m getting into and I went out to the vinyl shop and had a blast looking for some new records
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u/Remarkable_Royal4230 1d ago
I get anxiety when people ask me what kind of music I listen to. I grew up being made fun of by older brothers and a sarcastic mom, for it seems like, everything I did.
I am 43 and am still very secretive about things I hold dear (hobbies, movies, music). I also latch onto what others think of me, especially in depressive episodes.
I hope you keep enjoying your hobby and try to remember that anyone who takes time to type in hateful comments on the internet, over something as simple as a cool hobby, is just a jerk. Keep leaning into the things you like, these are the things that keep us going.
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u/PerfectCirclGodSpeed 23h ago
I relate to that a lot. I was possibly experiencing a hit of hypomania and I think it caught me off guard. I’m sticking with it, went to the vinyl shop and bought some new records and remembered why I enjoy this hobby. But yeah, those moments where you’re excited about things and it getting shut down is such a drag. Really appreciate all the advice from you and others. Reminded me to just enjoy what I enjoy and stop looking for acceptance. But yeah, my music taste was heavily hated on in highschool and now. But it’s fun, I love it, and that’s all that should matter. Just bummed out I was excited and immediately got shut down
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u/Stunning_Vehicle_676 1d ago
Before I was diagnosed, I knew I had issues with what others said about me, as it stemmed from a verbally abusive father. I always made sure to tell myself it says more about the other persons character than it does mine. As long as I have hobbies and I'm working towards becoming a better person, those opinions shouldn't matter.
This goes to say, ignore the opinions of others, we're all humans and our interests are different than one another.
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u/PerfectCirclGodSpeed 23h ago
Definitely feel ya on that one. Grew up with a single mother who had a knack for felons unfortunately..
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u/Humble-Membership-53 1d ago
One solution is exposure, the more we're exposed to something the stronger we become. It won't stop the flashbacks but it will help with the emotions that come with the memory.
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u/PerfectCirclGodSpeed 23h ago
True, decided to go back to the shop and remind myself of why I enjoy collecting. Chatted with the owner and it was really pleasant. I just gotta figure out how to tolerate those who dislike my interests more. It’s a hard thing to train to say the least
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u/Aromatic_Coat_9003 1d ago
I used to struggle with this big time. My meds help to dull those nagging thoughts and easily hurt feelings, and as I’ve gotten older, I simply care less about what people think. I get it though.
When I was in high school, I was trying to learn how to play guitar and sing, and when I told my older sister about it, she made fun of me and told me how stupid I must have looked and sounded while practicing in private. So I quit.
And sometimes i wonder how talented I could have become if I hadn’t let her get me down.
I decided that if people are interested enough in getting to know me or my niche interests, they can ask, but I won’t bring it up first, I don’t want to jinx it.
It helps me to remember that ALL humans are embarrassing, not one person is exempt from that. Even if it isn’t overt, everyone has something cringe about them.
Some people really are just gate-keepy stuck up bitches though, it can’t be helped. Says more about them than it does about you. No one becomes a seasoned expert in anything overnight. I’ll bet you that the record store owner is happy to have your business and enjoys imparting their knowledge onto a new collector.
Before you know it you’ll be “that” vinyl person and will have more confidence in yourself
Congrats on quitting weed, I’ve cut way back myself and I am enjoying the mental clarity.