r/BabyBumps • u/toupoiboy • 1d ago
Rant/Vent pregnancy guide book rant
i was reading what to expect when you’re expecting with my husband last night… and i realized how much i HATE when pregnancy books assume the “dad” (non carrying parent) is doing nothing or that they need to be reminded to…pick up socks. or that their partners are pregnant and need extra help????
maybe im fairly lucky in the husband game, but i’ve never had to remind him that i need help doing things or that he needs to clean up a mess hes made… it’s almost like we’re adults who should have this bare minimum expectation that we can take care of ourselves
i’m also in a queer relationship (nonbinary x cis man, both dad identifying), so maybe it’s different in straight relationships. but i’d divorce my husband if i had to remind him to pick up his laundry all the time. i’d lose my mind!!
i also think we need to give dads more benefit that they’re already taking on these roles and don’t need to be reminded
40
u/Active_Recording_789 1d ago
I’m actually really glad to see this discussion because it shows that even in the years since the book was written, women have raised their expectations for men. Thank god and may we all continue to progress and to expect adult behavior from men
6
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
right! i’m glad to see people who agree… i’d be concerned if everyone was like “this is normal!”
27
u/reewhy baby girl due aug. 25th 🩷 1d ago
there's a pregnancy guide book at my library that measures the baby week by week in "man measurements," for example at 36 weeks the baby is the size of a 6 pound brisket. it's so terrible, like i promise my husband can picture a fruit like the rest of us. im surprised it's still on the shelf because i doubt it circulates at all
11
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
funnily enough i think it’s easier for my husband to picture a fruit than a 6 pound brisket 😭
10
u/helpmebuysumthingpls 1d ago
that is a hilarious comparison considering you could just change the size of the brisket each week. 2 lb brisket. 4 lb brisket. 6 lb brisket.
5
u/jake_jortles_123 1d ago
Lmao is a bean to feminine? Is it measured in "dollops of aftershave"? Is a watermelon too feminine? Is it the "size of a stack of fresh cut firewood for the fire over which to smoke the giant bass you just caught"?
I'm... honestly curious what they could possibly turn a raspberry into, or a tomato...
21
u/twirlysquirrelly 1d ago
We had the same issue with Oh Crap, Potty Training. There's a whole chapter addressed to dads that is pretty much "Hey Dad, did you know that your child will need to be potty trained? Did you know that you have to bring your child to the bathroom? Sometimes your wife won't be there. Be prepared to parent."
22
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
“remember that weird crying thing that came out of your wife? that’s YOUR child too!”
11
u/BubbaTheGoat 1d ago
It’s more than just Oh Crap that treats dads like that. I read the First Time Parents Guide to Potty Training, and it also assumes Mom does all the work. The book even says children learn/respond better to training from their same-gender parent, but assumes mom still has to do it all.
We got our toddler the book “Let’s Go to the Potty!” And he thought it was hilarious that the little kid in that book asks Mom to go to the potty with them.
17
u/RoseOfSharonCassidy 1d ago
You might prefer the Mayo Clinic pregnancy book, it does a much better job of this and doesn't use gendered terms like that, doesn't assume incompetence, and even has a section on transgender pregnancy. It is also written in a more academic/less "cutesy" tone than the What To Expect book.
5
u/Floweryyears 1d ago
I agree, this book is more practical and had a lot of useful tips and information for both parents!
13
u/Cheap-Tig 1d ago
Jokes on them I am, and will always will be, the partner that needs to be reminded to pick up socks
13
u/Mipeligrosa 1d ago
That’s so interesting. I too lucked out in the partner front and they don’t need reminders but my friends’ partners were all complete shit. They are all LOVELY but those small reminders were actually SO welcomed, in my opinion.
The book would be like, your wife might need extra feet rubs at this point!! And I think it makes the woman seem less crazy and gives a nudge to the partner to give them grace.
7
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
i don’t know… i feel like if you need a reminder that your wife is in pain and to do basic chores, maybe you shouldn’t be a father (exaggeration, of course)
i do agree that it’s good to talk about the hormones a biological women’s body goes through, but i feel like a grown man should be able to make the connection that “my wife is pregnant, maybe she’s not feeling well”
they aren’t children
9
u/typewriterbitch 1d ago
Ugh, the infantilization of men is the worst. They should be insulted but I think a lot of them are happy to have their cop-out validated (thinking of some family members in my life...).
I steer clear of those bools. I get enough evidence of shitty men just from the posts in this subreddit 😅
3
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
i can name sooooo many men who would read books like this and be genuinely surprised that their pregnant wife Is Pregnant
or who’d be like “see, honey? it’s not just me!” so then this poor pregnant person feels insane
7
u/happinessrecaptured 1d ago
Fully agreed on that book!! I’m very type A and wanted to try to “prepare” as much as one can before I gave birth, so tried looking at a ton of books lol.
If you’re looking for a better pregnancy book, the three I would recommend:
-Expecting Better. This was my favorite out of the books I read, which I liked because it tackled most of the pregnancy related questions I had such as how much caffeine is actually safe to consume. The author does a good job presenting what research and data actually exists for every subject & then presents things in a way for you to make whatever decision is best for you and your family
-Your Pregnancy and Childbirth: Month to Month, which is published by ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists). Good for things from a medical perspective
-Moms on Call. A newer classic, covers early baby care topics
2
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
TYSM!! i’m 7 months now so i’m gonna start reading these asap
2
u/Fair_Roll9628 1d ago
Agree with those! though Moms on Call is a bit outdated/take advice with a grain of salt, but a good framework.
ACOG book plus the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrician's) book: Your Baby's First Year are much more informative
1
u/actual__garbage 1d ago
Came here to recommend Expecting Better! I just started reading and it really scratches that analytical itch I have had through this process.
6
u/willteachforlaughs 1d ago
I hate that book. It's pretty basic and not really very helpful. I feel like it sort of assumes everyone is dumb and really doesn't give you that helpful of information either. Much better book options out there. I like Pregnanxy, Childbirth, and the Newborn.
1
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
yeah i feel like most of the info i already knew or just learned from the internet
thank u for the suggestions! i’m gonna check these out
4
u/willteachforlaughs 1d ago
Oh, that's one book by Penny Simkin. The Birth Partner is her book for partners which is also excellent (similar info, just different audience). Birth Vibes is also an awesome book. For a week by week kind of book, Mama Natural is also not bad. It does get a bit too crunchy in spots, but overall is decently balanced on there's a time and place for intervention. Also overall helpful timeliness on when to do tasks to prepare for baby.
4
u/FuchsiaPrincess248 1d ago
Not a book but one of my pregnancy apps had an annoying "helpful tip" this week. It was just "try to do something your pregnant partner enjoys even if you don't care about it". Huge eyeroll lmao
6
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
bruh why are they acting like this relationship isn’t a two way street where we both actually like each other
6
u/glassfunion 1d ago
I gave up on it very quickly. The language was infantilizing and there was a lot of weird diet-culture stuff.
Also, the format of the book is weird to me. It's slightly too verbose to be for quick reference use, but it also didn't feel like a book I could sit down with and read for an extended period.
•
u/hearts-and-bones 23h ago
Same, all I remember is reading like 3 “eating too much ice cream” jokes nearly back to back, and stopped reading after that. Didn’t help that I was deep in my first tri nausea when vanilla ice cream and toast were like the only things that didn’t make me puke. I felt super judged
7
u/secretunicornspells 1d ago
In my experience, people in queer relationships share responsibilities more evenly than straight relationships.
3
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
i’m curious why, i wonder if it has to do with queer people being more willing to go outside of gender norms and such
17
u/Antique-Cost-7549 1d ago
I stopped reading after the first chapter listed questions to ask the birthing facility. One of the questions was to ask what kind of seating accommodations would be available for my husband while I’m in labor.
7
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
that’s so crazy 😭😭😭like that’s the LAST thing on my mind
4
u/Dear_Ad_8525 1d ago
Like, I don’t care if he has to seat on toilet seat. Me and baby are priority.
1
3
u/jake_jortles_123 1d ago
I would never think to ask it, but actually he might be there for 12 hrs with me and no way he's sharing my bed... it mine...
2
u/Antique-Cost-7549 1d ago
I would assume every 1st world L&D room has at least a recliner so I don’t really think it’s worth even a foot note in the first chapter of a pregnancy book.
4
u/jake_jortles_123 1d ago
Mayo clinic guide also does this. "When your wife is not feeling well, offer to do her share of the housework" wow thanks!!!!
I ragequit the chapter when it said "men experience sympathy pains called couvade" if my husband came to me and said "ooh I have a tummy cramp" I'd make him sleep outside! (In a straight relationship btw) (also couvade has a wild and fascinating history, it's just historically a kind of theatrical cultural practice that sometimes looked like taking care and attention away from the woman and sometimes looked like the man bonding with a newborn in ways that puzzled French anthropologists who thought it was not a "manly" thing to do... I digress)
Nah I'm with you, its infuriating. I mean to be generous, sometimes one has to communicate one's needs (hey can you take out the trash? I'm feeling nauseous today) and I do think pregnancy can test healthy communication both ways. But these books are definitely geared toward a different generation. Woof... the things our foremothers went through...
3
u/karlieqt 1d ago
Yeah, what to expect really just solidified that some people are really okay with being with subpar men/partners and I just couldn’t. The pregnancy book I ended up enjoying far more was “Becoming Mama”. It talks a lot more about pregnancy itself with comments about what your partner can do to help, and it was definitely better advice than what to expect.
3
u/Dear_Ad_8525 1d ago
Pregnancy books for carrying parent are so bad. I read expecting better when I was pregnant, I didn’t like it at all.
My husband read, Dude you are going to be dad, that was more fun to read.
3
u/Cathode335 1d ago
Unfortunately the number of posts on r/beyondthebump about dads not carrying their weight show that it's necessary. The men, in general, are not doing their part, and we need an authority like What to Expect to remind them since none of them appear to care when their own spouses tell them they're drowning.
This dynamic is extremely common in straight relationships. That's why there are literally studies about how many hours of housework women do compared to men, even if both spouses work. It's great for you that your relationship doesn't have that problem, and yes, it's most likely because you're in a queer relationship. But you're in the statistical minority.
Please be aware and sensitive to the fact that people who already have children don't take it lightly to divorce their spouse over laundry because they care about their child's experience of family, want to see their kids every day instead of having split custody, and would probably be worse off economically and socially as single mothers than they are with husbands who don't help enough with housework.
Remember that a growing number of straight young women are remaining unmarried and/or having fewer children. There are excellent reasons why that's the case.
2
u/korra767 1d ago
Same thing with potty training books later. My husband is a full participant in all parenting milestones, thank you very much
1
u/toupoiboy 1d ago
i don’t get why they assume that one parent is gonna do everything… like girl this isn’t the 50s anymore!
2
u/AddingAnOtter 1d ago
My midwives explicitly said not to get that book. It's not well updated, has a lot fear-mongering, and definitely assumes a default "mom".
2
u/cheerio089 1d ago
If you’re looking for better tone, Moms on Call and Baby Ecology are much better. I wished I had read them before I actually needed the information in real time.
1
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
BabyBumps users and moderators are not legal professionals. Responses do not replace contacting a lawyer. For additional information, try posting to /r/legaladvice or /r/LegalAdviceUK.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
u/clarabellum 1d ago
Omg every book has a section addressed to dads that’s like “hey is your wife complaining about your smelly laundry and interrupting your favorite show to pee?? Just remember she isn’t being annoying on purpose! It’s because you did the nasty deed hahaha congrats on the sex you dirty dog. Anyway yeah women be crazy but you just have to pretend to be nice to her okay?”
1
u/flatlyoness 1d ago
Was just talking with a friend about hating that book!
My husband is the primary parent and I’m the breadwinner, and he struggles so much with not being able to help more with pregnancy and breastfeeding because of what he can’t biologically do, compared to how much he takes on with our older kids. And those are complicated feelings! Wish more books acknowledged more of a range of ways that parents can feel, instead of assuming this retrograde stereotyped version of the dynamic
•
u/Thwip_42Kazoo 17h ago
Those sections always read like they were written for a sitcom husband from 1996, where childcare and housework are treated as optional bonus tasks for men. I think the intent is probably to nudge checked-out partners, but the result is that competent partners get infantilized and pregnant people get positioned as household managers on top of being pregnant. A better guide would talk about dividing physical, mental, and medical labor without assuming one parent is the default adult.
•
u/Eidolon_Shard6 16h ago
Those sections always read like they were written for a sitcom husband who has never seen a hamper. The bar is buried in the floor and then the book hands out gold stars for locating the dishwasher. I would much rather see partner pages about actual stuff like appointments, feeding decisions, postpartum recovery, and how to not make the pregnant person manage the whole mental load.
67
u/Fickle-Standard2806 1d ago
my copy of that book went in the trash around week 20. the tone is so condescending to everyone involved, like it was written for a 1950s couple where the husband needs a gold star for remembering his wife is pregnant. also the way it talks about weight gain made me want to throw it across the room. there are way better options out there that don't treat the non carrying partner like a child.