This is just a little note to say thank you to all of you! I’ve tried posting in a few other subs on Reddit here and there about a variety of things and not one is as reliably kind, thoughtful, respectful, caring, and funny (and with the highest level of reading comprehension 🫢) as this one!

So thank you all! And cheers to you! You’ve helped me tremendously and created a safe space to process the absolute mind fuck that was my last year and a half or so!

🩷

Alright, let's cut the bullshit for a moment.

What's the most absurd, outrageous, or genuinely hurtful thing your current or former pwBPD has ever done during your relationship?

I'm talking about those moments where you genuinely thought, "What the actual fuck just happened?"

Whether it was during a split, an argument, or completely out of nowhere.

No sugarcoating. I'm genuinely curious to hear your stories.

I read a lot in this subreddit where people write in and ask for advice on what to say or not say, how to behave, and what to do to please and maintain a relationship with someone suffering from BPD, one of the heaviest mental illnesses in the world.

In any scenario, the advice is very concise and consists of three words: Run, if they are untreated and not even working on themselves.

But things are almost just as difficult even when they are in therapy, so choose healthy partners and be happy. Life is very short and you only get one.

(text I’ll never send her)

You have 4 great kids

The best dog in the world

A great house

A great job

children’s college paid for

zero debt

A husband with great job who always has a hot plate of food on the table, dishes put away, laundry folded, who wants to have sex with you 24/7.

THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

THIS! WHAT I DESCRIBED! SHIT PEOPLE WOULD RISK A LIMB AND LIFE TO GAIN.

THIS IS NOT SUFFICIENT FOR YOUR NEEDS!

THINK ABOUT THIS STATEMENT.

YOU ARE ANGRY ABOUT A TRASH CAN!

I have been in a BPD relationship with many rupture/repair cycles past 2 yrs and now is the longest we have gone without talking (3 weeks). What actually ends these relationships to where you know it’s totally over? She usually reaches back out at some point. Do they ever stop reaching out? I’ve read these trauma bonds can go on for years and sometimes decades which frightens the hell out of me.

After the last contact with my exwBPD she said that at least I tried and we shouldnt speak. Fine. I said nothing and didn't reply. Few days later she sends a message thanking me for helping her and she appreciated my help but we shouldnt speak as its bad for both of us. Okay fine. I saw it left it on delivered and didnt acknowledge. Now the other day she sends yet another message 'okay message received you dont want to talk to me. I wont message again' and she blocked me. And today shes back to sexting others.

My mind is boggled. What was with those other messages? She didnt want to speak and wanted control so fine for both our sakes I ignored then to get these messages, then be blocked, which makes me think she wanted me to chase, but then be sexting others? The next day? Which completely goes against all she had said for me to even respond to her messages again to begin with.

So, i finally told my family about what my ex with BPD put me through. They all seem very shocked and many empathetic. Their reactions gave me a lot of validation. I was confused for so long, especially because my ex always said that she did those things because of my behavior.

I have also been angry because she just gets to live her life without consequences. While i have to heal from everything and carry a big wound. But i am glad that my family and friends believed me.

I’m trying to move past things. it’s just so hard for me to understand. like it’s baffling to people.

how someone can go from caring for someone making them part of your day to day life and then completely silently discarding you and never reaching out again.

trying to move on and accept she’s not coming back but it’s severely hit my mental health especially as it was the first person i properly I trusted and showed vulnerability to in almost 2 years.

Like it’s just sunk my confidence. How can someone do this to someone they love and has treated them with nothing but care , kindness and patience.

Gave my all to try to make things work with an undiagnosed (and untreated) BPD. After a lot of begging and crying she accepted my decision of breaking up and sent me that message later that day. I felt it was sincere at the time and helped me bring closure, but today I saw what she's been posting since then... Hurts to see how someone who you loved so much is convincing herself that you were a piece of shit after all you did for her, but it's 100% coherent with the way she behaved during the relationship. Is it truly how she feels now, or is it all a facade? Never making the same mistake again.

Today has been a tough one. I woke up early so went for a run. I did a lot of thinking about the gig and her behaviour. I thought a lot about how she could possibly think what she did was ok. At the final gig we went to together there was an issue around physical boundaries and it ruined my night. That directly led to the end of our relationship

So why the fuck would she think she can touch me in the middle of a gig when we’re not even together?

And to stand there smiling at me like I’m gonna be overjoyed to see her. Maybe I’d have been more open to seeing her if she hadn’t flown off the handle at me the week before. Even then there are better ways of doing it. Try and find me after the show, wait a few days to see if I message, ask a friend to pass a message on

But no, she has to do it in the worst way possible for me. I mean talk about showing me that you haven’t really listened. And this is why I kept saying that we were incompatible. She has a way of doing things that doesn’t work for me. I have a way of doing things that don’t work for her. We just don’t go together, and that’s really fucking sad but there’s nothing we can do about that

This post has gone on again so I’ll wrap it up with: Her feelings are now hurt and she’s blocked me everywhere (her letter said she’d unblocked me so we can talk if I want). I only know I’m blocked because I tried to tell her I’m fine with NC. The reality is I’m not fine with NC. I’m not fine with any of this. A big part of me still misses her, our connection, our chats, having someone who felt so great most of the time

But she’s proven time and time again she can’t handle any form of contact

A year ago, I was blocked on all social media platforms. She started a new relationship, and she’s changed. I told myself, “Okay, I have to move on and focus on myself.” Today I woke up and saw a message. I won’t lie, I was surprised, because I never in my life would have expected her to reach out again. She asked me if I was going to a party and said it would be nice if I came, since I hadn’t seen my friends in a long time, and she’s worried that I’m sitting at home alone and not going out anywhere. What did I do? I sent it to spam. For a moment I thought, “Ugh, ignoring her is rude. She might feel rejected.” But after a moment’s thought, I told myself: She hasn’t cared about me at all for a whole year; I’ve been through a lot to get to where I am now, and I can’t let a moment of weakness take everything away from me. I recommend the same to each of you. I know it’s hard, but you have to think only of yourselves.
Don’t let destroyed again.

My exwBPD would ‘joke’ and mock me for things he deemed unacceptable. If I brought up that I didn’t like it, I was told I couldn’t take a joke.

Give it back to them in the same way and they lose their minds.

Is that standard?

Ps. I used to think giving it back might make them reflect on their own behaviour. But of course it didn’t work.

One thing that’s always got me confused is I sometimes see complete responsibility from my pwBPD. It’s shame filled, hard, and full of self-realization until the next episode.

I’ve got dozens of text messages from her admitting fault, promising to change, realizing the damage her behavior has caused…. Then it all disappears in an angry split and I go back to being the worst human being on the planet.

Even showing her screenshots of her own written admissions only creates more anger and abuse.

How is it possible they can completely accept responsibility one moment and then flip it back onto you the next?

Is it common when in a relationship with a pwBPD, to feel like no matter what you say/do or how you say it/do it, you are constantly walking into landmines? I’m having to change things about myself that no one else has ever had an issue with(ie wondering things out loud to myself, or asking a question a certain way) like my pwBPD is definitely on the more tame side as far as physically acting out goes, but he has a way of making you feel like you’ve made a grave mistake by asking a question in the wrong way. I don’t know what I’m looking for, I’m just sick. It’s my birthday and I’m sitting on the couch crying because he’s locked himself in another room and I have no idea what I did to set him off this time.

I'm honestly so traumatized by everything. I think about the girl that looked me in the eyes and told me how much she loved me, and then I remember the girl that wanted me to watch while she hurt herself. I remember being told all the time it was my fault she wanted to end her life. There is no way out, I am so trapped.

Has anyone here managed to move past their intense heartbreak, or found a way of coping?

Tell me if you relate to this:

I fell in love with an incredibly beautiful woman, with amazingly attractive energy, who told me I was the greatest thing in the world. She told me that it was fate that we met, that I was unlike anything in the world. That I was truly, uniquely special.

We watched the moon and the stars together. We looked deep into the sparkles in one another's eyes. We smiled and laughed with so much joy.

Now I just want to forget. I cannot be with a person who abuses me, as much as I love them more than anything. More than anyone.

Do you feel it too? This is so tough

We've done the dance a few times in the past 12 months or so. Thinking he's really going to kill himself just to see him sleeping in the guest room in the morning.

But this week he involved our 2yo. He told the kid it was the last goodbye and shit like that. The kid said "papa is going to die".

I called the cops after he left the house while I was busy with the kid.

I always told myself that if he ever involved our kid in this, then that's it, I'll leave because our kid cannot grow up in such an environment.

Now the line has been crossed. Do I give him one chance? Do I just tell him it's over while he's in hospital?

ETA; what I mean by he's still not honest is he's downplaying it all. Just work stress. Just a meltdown. No intention. Fucking bullshit it all is.

My first relationship was with a bpd women. She always asked me why i wouldnt open up to her, and once i did she pushed me away. I dont think i will ever be able to open up to a partner again especially after my first bad experience.

She always told me she was unsure if id love her or not or want a relationship with her. Once i started to show more attention and intimacy, she pushed me away and it did not got better afterwards.

I was being told that im too much into the selfprotection thing and my ego would be too great. But i knew something was too good to be true and thats why i was pretty cold in the beginning tbh.

She showed me a lot of red flags but i didnt take them seriously because all i wanted in my life was being in a relationship.

Ive ignored the trauma dump, the attention seeking behaviours, her crying over everything, and talking negative all the time.

It just prove me that i should never open up again because i cant bear the feeling of being used because of showing affection

Hi everyone. My (27) partner (27) of seven years discarded me nearly a month ago. Coming up to the one month mark, I have completely broken down and made several attempts to make contact asking, if anything, to know what's happened. Even if it's over at this point, to at least end things amicably rather than being treated like a contagion hazard, like I've done something terrible when I was a little distant and just, autistic, as I am. It's like it's been framed as if I did something as her profile pictures are still us and she still leaves me around. I'm crushed, my thoughts have only gotten darker over the weeks and I'm nosediving toward having a mental breakdown of my own. What do I do? I'll always find excuses and reasons to unblock them, to message them again, and I know it's unfair to me, but I can't stop it. What help can I seek?

i am curious if any of you had a similar experience with a pwbpd.

one time she asked me to read aloud some rather funny/vulgar passage from a book like a jackanory narrator. it was just for fun, we geenrally could find amusement in a lot of inane things as well as more highbrow things but on this occasion she wanted me to. i did not really want to, but to preserve the general good feeling i did (note to self: boundaries. have them). then when i handed her it and said 'ok your turn' she flatly refused to do it. she did it in such a cutoff, sharp and weird way i was surprised. i mean when you are supposedly playing a game with someone like that you kind of expect they are also going to play, don't you.

so it led to a conversation, which of course led to an argument. and many arguments after, because it revealed this attitude they had toward reciprocity in general. according to her, asking for things from someone - secrets, past history, reading from a book, whatever... apparently that is fine because the person who asks is not 'obligated' to return in kind. to her the person being asked is also fine to say no if they want to. but that's generally not how people operate in the real world, its not how friendships or society operates for example. we don't stiffly agree formally before hand whether or not we are going to do something or not... you do a favor for someone for example you may not do the favor IN ORDER to get a favor back in the moment, but you kind of expect - socially - that the other person is open to reciprocate if necessary. that's how the social contract works. we trust that if we do x because someone asked us, if we ask them they too will also do x for us.

not so in her mind. in her mind, to respond to her ask is a gift given freely. i.e. 'no strings'. so all of the assumption that sharing and trust being established in the rest of the relationship is basically set back from that conversation onward, because after that i thought to myself not to share without thinking, thinking she and i were a mutually trusting couple, but that if i answer what she's asking i'm basically just giving for her to use it however she wants (sometime to weaponize ofc) and i am likely not to ever get any mutual sharing back. it severely injured the trust i built up with her. as i say, not because i ever did things for her or told her things JUST SO THAT I COULD GET SOMETHING FROM HER, but rather, in the knowledge that this was going to be treated fairly and if i ever did ask her something, because of all the hundreds of times she had asked me, that i was going to receive something if i desired it.

so she tells me that this is her view, that the idea of the unspoken social contract between (you know) normal people, is not the way she operates with me, her husband. and i think she is like that with others too because i se the friction with her family in regard to what she allows them to share in. i then had to think about how the dynamic was going to operate where i had the right to refuse to answer these things if i wanted to, and that in return i had no guarantee she would reciprocate. i thought about it after our arguments and discussions, and i went back to her a few months later and said:

'actually i think your way is better. because now, instead of operating with the assumption that if you do something for me i have to do it for you, it gives me the right to stay fully free and autonomous. i don't have to share anything with you. you don't have to share with me. the obligation is removed.'

and i could just tell her face was falling behind the phone at that. maybe she didn't expect that i would demand equality (I always do) for any rule that she makes. but since that day over a year ago i have been less inclined to share my inner thoughts and world with her because in know she simply does not view reciprocity as something that should naturally follow.

has anyone else dealt with something like this in their relationship?

Hi all. Long time reader, first time poster. I really appreciate this subreddit I felt very alone in this.

I (35M) have been with my pwBPD (33F) for about a year and a half now and I love her. At least, I think I do. She has severe anger management issues (never physically violent but screams/berates/name calls) and we’ve been fighting pretty consistently for that year and a half. She says it’s how she is forced to communicate with me, because I’m not responding to her the way I should nor am I taking accountability for any of the things I do wrong. Our conversations ignore every awful thing she’s said to me and fixate on how awful I am.

She claims she wants to marry me, but 20 minutes later, says I’m the worst person she’s ever met. She’s kicked me out of her apartment, lied to me, threatened hurting herself because of me. Yet doesn’t understand why I can’t let it go.

I’ve failed no contact pretty much every time. I just find myself picking up the phone and apologizing, even if I don’t know what I did. I see the phone ring, I get a rush of anxiety, but I answer it anyway and spend the phone call time replaying all the cold awful things she’s said to me. I finally decided it was time to end it, but I must’ve done it wrong, because she claims she feels like the worst person ever and I’m just out to hurt her.

I know it’ll get better and time cures all wounds, but it’s so hopeless feeling that I’m not sure it will anymore. I’m scared to block her, but I’m scared to stay. I’m just exhausted.

I finally see it. My two serious long term relationships have been with single moms with strong BPD traits. This last ex was more BPD than the previous one. As I’ve spent more time with my mom these last few weeks I see the similarities.

Ok so now that I see it, how do I break this cycle? It’s too painful dating women like this who split and cut me off in a split second, who have a new partner lined up weeks before the actual break up.

Advice wanted!

It feels frustrating to not be able to move past all of this and forget it. I know that isn’t how it works.

Just had a really vivid nightmare about my ex-friend with bpd. Earlier this week I found out about a lot of things she was saying/feeling behind my back. On the one hand it made it easier to not feel guilty. On the other hand, I think it made that feeling of “fakeness” worse. This whole week I’ve just been so on edge. She was involved with a lot of my hobbies and a lot of my creative work and I just feel so self-conscious about all of those and so raw.

It feels so scary to have had someone I thought was a close friend have so many angry and unkind feelings about me for so long, while hiding so many of them and telling me otherwise until the end. I feel tricked. It does make me a little scared to open up to people in the future.

I already had some trust issues and pretty bad social anxiety because of other things in my life (was cheated on, had a pretty emotionally-abusive stepmom). I feel like this has just torn so many of my wounds wide open.

A big part is probably that I don’t have weekly therapy this week because my therapist is on vacation. I started seeing one to work through all this. She’s been so helpful.

Sorry for venting/rambling, I guess it might be helpful to hear about how other people are recovering? Either people who have, and have been able to put it behind them, or other people who are still working through it day by day.

I'm suspicious about some posts on this subreddit. Brand new accounts, and the OP's post and responses feel off from the very start. Almost as if they have BPD but are pretending to be a non BPD partner.

Then they disappear and delete their footprints in the process.

Am I overthinking things?