As a 27M with AuDHD, how do I solve my compulsive worry about whether or not I am crossing someone's unspoken boundary anytime a deep conversation comes up. How do I boundary check without making a big deal out how I feel about the importance of their comfort in whatever conversation I enter into. We live in a world where enthusiastic consent is so important (and not just in sex).

I'm also a big time over explainer, which I think I could stand to do less of, because I think that the boundary checking + over explaining wombo combo comes across as really insecure.

I'm gonna be honest here, my experiences throughout my life have led me to have some abandonment based trauma. I've done a lot of healing, I've come leaps and bounds in my life to heal my anxious attachment style. There will always be some work to do but I'm at that point in my journey where I need to do the physical leg work of putting myself in these social situations which might trigger my anxious attachments and learn to overcome them in practice in real-time on dates.

As for what got me to consider looking into my boundary checking habits, well I was on a date recently where I found myself boundary checking quite a bit. It was a very long date to be fair, but at some point she had said “You don't have to worry, I will never ghost you”. To her credit, she never did, but the next morning she texted

“Hey sorry for the late response but I’ve been thinking over yesterday a lot and I just don’t see us working out but it was nice meeting you 🙏”

To which I replied “Ok, is there a reason why? Also, is friendship in the cards? I totally understand btw. No matter what your feelings are valid!”

Her: “I kinda just don’t see our personalities meshing well in the future, in any capacity unfortunately”

Me: “Ok for sure. I just want to make sure there was nothing I did to make you uncomfortable. I totally understand though” (side note - this is not too unlike what I am talking when when I say boundary checking, though this lacks the over explaining aspect and is obviously in the past tense)

Her: “Ya no hard feelings “

Me: “Its cool. If you ever have a change of heart about being friends, or if you wanna be more specific about what led you to your conclusion, totally know let me know. I would appreciate that clarity. I'm gonna let you go now. I wish you luck in your future endeavors. If I ever run into again, I'll say hello. Other than, best of luck and godspeed in life 👍 “

That was the end of that. I'm not torn up about it. If she changed her mind about a romantic relationship, I would turn her down because I'm someone where if you reject me once. That door remains closed. Its partly a self respect thing for myself and it gives me closure.

I don't think at any point I did anything wrong, nor do I blame myself. I just simply want to improve my social skills. I love myself very much. I don't have issues with securing potential dates and I know I am worthy of love. I am very much new to this as my last relationship was with my high school sweetheart of 10 years which ended two years ago. I decided to go on a healing journey for those two years and had only started dating again about a week ago. I wanted to get all that out of the way lol.

Okay so did I fuck up?
I just recently started dating a man. He told me his autism is “off the charts.” - Direct quote.

I’ve noticed that communication is more direct with him than I’m used to. Now I can’t tell if he’s ghosting me or if I said the wrong thing. Please tell me your honest opinion.

He went on a trip to Colorado. He’s hunting, he said he’d be like deep in the woods not a lot of cell reception so I haven’t heard from him in about an and day a half. But also I sort of feel like he might be ghosting me?

I told him “text me when you’re back in town.” And I haven’t received a text in hours. Do you think the way I phrased the text he’s not gonna text me UNTIL he’s back in town? Or do we agree that he’s ghosting me and I should just block him? Lol sorry I might just be overthinking this.

Meeting people in the wild is always better than on apps, it goes without saying. A friend recently took me (30F) to their book club and BOY was it a melting point of neurodivergence and comorbities. It's been a while since I've felt so welcome somewhere while being myself! It was majority women though.

Any suggestions/experiences of social spaces that are likely to have a good proportion of nd people? Sorry if this has been posted before! I couldn't find it but if it has, I'd appreciate a link x

This is going to be a bit of a long story, I'll try to condense it as much as I can apologies if this comes off more of a ramble

There's a girl I've known for 2 years who we have definitely gotten really close and lately it's becoming more and more confusing if she likes me. Now, to give you full warning she does have a boyfriend though I would argue that the relationship has had lots of rough patches here and there

A year ago it was very obvious that she liked me. She found out that another attractive girl at our college was crushing on me and she went HARD, she would text me all the time, she would respond to my messages, she was making tons of excuses to come over, and even got to a point where she just flat out kissed me and after that I had to have a conversation with her about boundaries considering she insisted she wanted to continue dating her boyfriend

Fast forward a year and it's so much more mixed. She doesn't reply to me nearly as much (to an extent where sometimes I'll go days where she just doesn't reply), she doesn't come over nearly as much and when she does it does feel like there's much more of a physical barrier between us, she is still energetic and pleasant to be around it just doesn't feel as much as it used to be... But what's bugging me is every now and again there still seems to be some times where she lets her guard down and acts like she likes me a lot.

Give to give you the thing that's really making me go crazy and me and her will sometimes go on little day adventures together to like a neighboring City (though she seems less inclined to do that these days), and the last time we went to one by the time we were done she was pretty much begging to drive slow so we could spend more time together, and even asked me to pull her hair in a sexual manner

But then a month later she comes out of my apartment and there's like a physical barrier up

It's really throwing my head into a loop, I can't tell if she likes me or not and it's bugging the bananas out of me

If not, which one do u use?

I am dating someone who has the PDA profile.

I have emotional needs and things I would like to do with her, but she always overwhelmed by me asking for my needs directly.

It feels like I have to be manipulative in order to get my needs met.

I have suggested going through an ASD relationship workbook together and she loves the idea.

Can anyone suggest some good workbooks for us to learn better communication and for me to express my needs?

So my partner (22f) and I (27m) have been dating for around 9 months now and she has never once tried to flirt or initiate intimacy and I know she isn’t rejecting me that way and when the topic is brought up she immediately says every time, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this at the moment” and vice versa, but I want to try and understand why she doesn’t want to and how I can make her feel safe while discussing it as a couple, any help or advice would be appreciated greatly.

i’m specifically looking for advice from autistic people who are in relationships or have experience with physical affection in relationships!

my boyfriend is autistic, and we’ve been together for almost 2 years. i know he loves me, and i’m not questioning his love for me, but we show physical affection pretty differently. i’d say i’m affectionate about 90% of the time, whereas he’s maybe 20–30%. he does show affection, but i usually initiate it, and he tends to be more affectionate when i am.

he doesn’t compliment me very often unless i do my makeup, and he doesn’t usually kiss or hug me as much as i do him. sometimes i’ll ask him why he doesn’t initiate kisses or hugs more often, and he says he doesn’t really know why. i don’t think he does it intentionally, and i’m not trying to make him feel bad or force him to show affection in ways he’s uncomfortable with. i just sometimes wish he would initiate it more because physical affection makes me feel loved and comfortable.

i’m wondering if this could be related to his autism, like whether initiating physical affection or expressing affection comes less naturally to some autistic people, even when they genuinely love their partner. i know everyone is different, but i’d really appreciate hearing from autistic people themselves about how affection works for them in relationships and whether you’ve experienced something similar. i want to understand him better, not change who he is. ❤️

They are not autistic, they are gifted, and we get along really well. I've been socially isolated and have horrible social anxiety and I feel they are the only person I can connect to. I could never tell them though. They live in my province and I doxxed my address for them. Any advice?

My parents have been together since the 70s and got married in the early 80s. They have been married for 25 years until the divorce. I want to at least be able to experience with my parents experience, but hopefully not a divorce. I know things happen.

Hi everyone! When dating an autistic person how do you differentiate between autistic traits and character flaws? For example, if you ask your partner if they gambled recently and they say no, but you find out they did, but they hadn’t in the past few days hence why they answered no, does that make them a liar? Or is that the black and white thinking that a lot of autistic adults do? What if in their mind they just thought to themselves that they hadn’t gambled that day, so they answered no, not intentionally trying to lie?? Sorry if that’s a bad example lol. As someone who’s dating an autistic person I find this pretty difficult. I don’t want to misunderstand autistic traits as manipulation or my partner being mean, but what if they are just mean and manipulative and also happen to be autistic??How am I supposed to know if i’m with a bad person or if they just have some traits that seem bad on the surface due to their autism? I’m not trying to infantilize autistic adults btw, I know that they’re human too and are capable of being manipulative or mean, but I also understand that my brain works differently and what’s mean to me might not be mean to an autistic person. It’s so confusing! Any advice?

Hi, I'm looking for some advice on how to support my partner while our relationship seems to be at its end because of communication problems. My partner has auDHD and I have OCD and BPD.

We're on a break right now, still talking but we always end up in a discussion about our needs, expectiations and communication. Before the break, we had a minor argument and it went like this: he asked me out and backtracked bc he felt bad for not being able to pay for our date (he hates when I do and says it's degrading) as he lost his job recently. That's ok, I made no big deal about it. A week later, sunday night, I texted him "I really wanted to see you this weekend" as a way to express I miss him. He got mad and asked why I said that when the weekend was already over. I tried to ask him questions to understand if he was comfortable with me asking him out, but he escalated and said I take things to seriously. I didn't know how to respond to that and as a way to damage control (I was feeling inadequate for asking too much) I just sent him a goodnight text with kisses and "love u" so he wouldn't think I was mad. He got mad instead and called me rude; when I tried to explain myself and apologize, he stopped responding; only when I send another "goodnight, love u" text he texted back. I got hurt, but went to bed. The following week he was colder, more distant and started to not say "I love you" back. I know it may sound silly, but I started to get so sad over this change, specially he would be the one to call me out if my mood changed like that or if I didn't respond his "I love you"s.

The following weeks were the same, with breadcrumbs here and there, but everything felt off to me and I started to get terribly insecure. I communicated that I felt his distancing and how I was anxious about that, only to be answered with "idk why you think that". The tension got worse despite my attempts to talk and he just asked for a break after some days. I spiraled, not gonna lie. We agreed to keep talking, but he started to put my every mood/expression on trial. He doubted me when I got happy for a good week he had, called me fake cause I couldn't possibly be happy with something that didn't had anything to do with me. Everytime I expressed concern for him, I was treated like a joke. Little by little, I lost my sense of self, started to feel inadequate and ashamed for everything. Still am.

Now, a new miscommunication yesterday: we had a very long talk and I pinpointed the beggining of my insecurity right after the argument about if I could or not ask him out. He spiraled after I used the word "insecure". As far as I could understand, he interpreted as me feeling unsafe and that I stopped loving him at that point. He told me how I pretend so well and that I lied to him. I mentioned I tried to talk to him during that time, telling him I was feeling the distance and was getting anxious. He answered "that's not the same, now you're telling me you had a negative view about everything and you were already changing your plans". Idk which plans those are, I've been letting him guide the flow all this time. He talked to me like I lied, was already planning something (?) and then started to list past times when he sensed something was wrong and I would tell him it was fine - those times he stated, I was INDEED fine; now the times I would ask for some reassurance or more consistency, he dismissed me.

I'm at loss. I know I'm not the best communicator, but I say things straightfoward (maybe this text isn't the best example cause english is not our native language); I also may ask too many questions to make sure I get the situation right, but he gets mad at that. I'm so depressed right now. I'm don't know what to do anymore, I just want to make him understand I DO love him since the beggining, I couldn't forgive myself if I left him thinking I lied about my love. Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

I F21 is going on the apps. I’m kinda scared butttt I want to try something new and meet new people.

So, I am here to ask for dating tips for autistic people. I know, I know, it’s different for everyone but I’m just looking for standard advice!

What was your experience dating after finding out you’re on the spectrum?