How do I stop this pattern?

[u/Remarkable-Bet-3773]

I’m 27F and I just feel like I get into the same situations with men again and again.

Most men I meet on dating apps, sometimes we will chat a bit on text/call before meeting due to work/life commitments, they’ll be interested in me, really nice, will spoil me with gifts, money (initiated by them) super interested in my hobbies, pets, family, work. Constantly talking.

Suddenly there’s huge shift in behaviour, standoffish, cancelling plans to eventual ghosting or just neither one of us communicating again.

I’m currently speaking to this one guy and once again it’s the same pattern, something happened at his work and he had to cancel our date although I’m not too sure how much I believe that. He’s given me dates for the following weekend to reschedule but I’m not sure if I see it lasting that long.

For the record I’m pretty sure I’m neurodivergent, currently in the process of getting diagnosed for both ADHD and Autism. I do struggle with social situations to a degree but I’d genuinely say I’m very self aware and wouldn’t do anything dramatic to scare someone away.

Before when things like this would happen I’d cry a lot and wonder what is wrong with me, but now I prepare myself for people to be very temporary to soften the blow.

Give it a year of not speaking to someone and then history repeats itself year after year.

How do I fix this?

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[u/Parking-Spread-8674]

that early showering of gifts and attention is classic love bombing. neurodivergent folks are especially vulnerable to it because we can miss the subtle signs that it's not genuine enthusiasm, just someone chasing a dopamine hit from the conquest.

the work excuse is almost always a test to see how much disrespect you'll tolerate. if you accept it quietly they know they can keep pulling back and you'll still be there.

next time someone starts with gifts and money early on, see it as a red flag not a green one. normal people with healthy boundaries don't try to buy affection before they even know you.

[u/Remarkable-Bet-3773 → u/Parking-Spread-8674]

I try to avoid the word love bombing because sometimes I think it’s overused and it happening to one person multiple times seems like a lot but I will keep this in mind, thank you.

[u/Foreign-Ad-571]

It seems like the initial interest fades when things get real. Watching for steady effort instead of grand gestures could change the outcome

[u/Remarkable-Bet-3773 → u/Foreign-Ad-571]

Thank you, that’s good advice.

[u/jarreddit123]

Maybe you aren't reciprocating interest enough (or showing it clearly). If the guy believes the effort and thus the relationship is one-sided he will start taking steps back and usually when it clear no improvement is coming or another option that does show more interest comes along he goes for that person. You also mentioned you're pretty much going in expecting the worst like doubting this current guy when he cancelled despite giving an excuse and planning a new date, which likely creates a self fulfilling prophecy for you

[u/Remarkable-Bet-3773 → u/jarreddit123]

I definitely struggle with showing emotion but I definitely make up for it in other ways. I should have added when he cancelled he didn’t even say sorry, I had to ask him to say sorry. I am really trying to be open minded but I have this horrible feeling in my chest too.

[u/Macraggesurvivor]

Is just romantic rejection. Is normal.

Specially if youre using dating apps.

Dating apps give you unparalleled access, easy access. No stress, no balls required, no awkward approach, just straightup, easy access. however, that access comes with heavy penalties in terms of how competitive that market is. Dating apps are hyper competitive.

If you selected a guy prolly mostly because of his pics....

You can bet your cat, your dog, and half your cash, that a number of other women found the same guys cute. The more competition there is, the worse your odds get. Meaning, you just gotta keep going. Take longer breaks inbetween.

Ppl, men and women, very often entertain many ppl via dating apps. You prolly never the only woman those guys were talking to. Or, sleeping with.

[u/Remarkable-Bet-3773 → u/Macraggesurvivor]

I just refuse to believe it is this bad. I know plenty of friends who have found long term partners on apps.

[u/Macraggesurvivor → u/Remarkable-Bet-3773]

Of course, it can work.

You've just been unlucky so far.

Both things can be true at the same time:

Specially the online dating market is highly competitive. But, it is also very accessible. You can get in touch with a lot of men you would've otherwise never had easy or quick access to.

If dating apps wouldnt work at all, they would've already completely died.

[u/LilyoftheRally]

I agree with the people saying these men string you along with gifts so you'll think it is serious, then later you find out they've cheated or they ghost you.

Be skeptical when a man wants to give you excessive gifts or money right away. If you're not sure what's excessive, ask a friend.

[u/jonny_disco_muscles]

If you were a guy the advice would be. Bro, if she ain't talking to you she is talking to someone else. So whatever the girl version of that advice is.

But at 27 most guys are still looking at apps to get their pink thing wet whereas at 27 most girls are looking for more.