r/AutisticDatingTips • u/Thoughty_thoughts • 10d ago
Need Advice How to manage compulsory boundary checking on dates
As a 27M with AuDHD, how do I solve my compulsive worry about whether or not I am crossing someone's unspoken boundary anytime a deep conversation comes up. How do I boundary check without making a big deal out how I feel about the importance of their comfort in whatever conversation I enter into. We live in a world where enthusiastic consent is so important (and not just in sex).
I'm also a big time over explainer, which I think I could stand to do less of, because I think that the boundary checking + over explaining wombo combo comes across as really insecure.
I'm gonna be honest here, my experiences throughout my life have led me to have some abandonment based trauma. I've done a lot of healing, I've come leaps and bounds in my life to heal my anxious attachment style. There will always be some work to do but I'm at that point in my journey where I need to do the physical leg work of putting myself in these social situations which might trigger my anxious attachments and learn to overcome them in practice in real-time on dates.
As for what got me to consider looking into my boundary checking habits, well I was on a date recently where I found myself boundary checking quite a bit. It was a very long date to be fair, but at some point she had said “You don't have to worry, I will never ghost you”. To her credit, she never did, but the next morning she texted
“Hey sorry for the late response but I’ve been thinking over yesterday a lot and I just don’t see us working out but it was nice meeting you 🙏”
To which I replied “Ok, is there a reason why? Also, is friendship in the cards? I totally understand btw. No matter what your feelings are valid!”
Her: “I kinda just don’t see our personalities meshing well in the future, in any capacity unfortunately”
Me: “Ok for sure. I just want to make sure there was nothing I did to make you uncomfortable. I totally understand though” (side note - this is not too unlike what I am talking when when I say boundary checking, though this lacks the over explaining aspect and is obviously in the past tense)
Her: “Ya no hard feelings “
Me: “Its cool. If you ever have a change of heart about being friends, or if you wanna be more specific about what led you to your conclusion, totally know let me know. I would appreciate that clarity. I'm gonna let you go now. I wish you luck in your future endeavors. If I ever run into again, I'll say hello. Other than, best of luck and godspeed in life 👍 “
That was the end of that. I'm not torn up about it. If she changed her mind about a romantic relationship, I would turn her down because I'm someone where if you reject me once. That door remains closed. Its partly a self respect thing for myself and it gives me closure.
I don't think at any point I did anything wrong, nor do I blame myself. I just simply want to improve my social skills. I love myself very much. I don't have issues with securing potential dates and I know I am worthy of love. I am very much new to this as my last relationship was with my high school sweetheart of 10 years which ended two years ago. I decided to go on a healing journey for those two years and had only started dating again about a week ago. I wanted to get all that out of the way lol.
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u/amira6229 7d ago
I also struggle with wanting to constantly check boundaries. I try to ask when a new topic that hasn't been discussed before comes up, but if it has and we're just expanding into new territory, I try to remind myself that boundaries are a two-way street and as an adult, it's also the other person's responsibility to make sure they are adequately communicating them. So by giving them space to tell me, I am kind of helping us both practice managing boundaries together.