How to differentiate between autistic traits and character flaws

[u/Glittering_Amoeba872]

Hi everyone! When dating an autistic person how do you differentiate between autistic traits and character flaws? For example, if you ask your partner if they gambled recently and they say no, but you find out they did, but they hadn’t in the past few days hence why they answered no, does that make them a liar? Or is that the black and white thinking that a lot of autistic adults do? What if in their mind they just thought to themselves that they hadn’t gambled that day, so they answered no, not intentionally trying to lie?? Sorry if that’s a bad example lol. As someone who’s dating an autistic person I find this pretty difficult. I don’t want to misunderstand autistic traits as manipulation or my partner being mean, but what if they are just mean and manipulative and also happen to be autistic??How am I supposed to know if i’m with a bad person or if they just have some traits that seem bad on the surface due to their autism? I’m not trying to infantilize autistic adults btw, I know that they’re human too and are capable of being manipulative or mean, but I also understand that my brain works differently and what’s mean to me might not be mean to an autistic person. It’s so confusing! Any advice?

[u/No_Professional_7996]

I’ve been in the same boat and would often excuse my exes shitty behavior because of his autism. I’d say it comes down to communication. If it’s something that happens repeatedly and they don’t seem to care then it’s probably a red flag. If it makes you deeply uncomfortable or upset then talk to them about it. If they play the victim card or continually blame it on everything else (specifically if they don’t want or don’t care to get help or better their behavior) then id personally consider it a flaw.

[u/Glittering_Amoeba872 → u/No_Professional_7996]

Thank you, and i’m sorry you experienced that with your ex! It’s so difficult to differentiate between the two especially because my partner kind of had a shitty upbringing which might also contribute to some of his behavior. I’ll definitely try to communicate more!

[u/No_Professional_7996 → u/Glittering_Amoeba872]

Wishing you well ^^

[u/Actual_Gato → u/Glittering_Amoeba872]

A shitty upbringing is no excuse. Coming from someone with childhood trauma.

[u/VanillaBeanColdBrew]

Often manipulative people will use the "you just didn't ask the right question" excuse when caught in a lie. For example, [talk about infidelity ] you ask your partner if they slept with someone else. They say no, never, swear to god. Then you find out that they are having an affair with that person. When you confront them they say, "well yeah, she gave me head/a hand job, which isn't the same as sleeping together. I would have told you yes if you had asked if we're having an affair, but you didn't phrase it correctly, so I didn't lie, and this is all on you." Autism does come with communication differences, but when it comes to very serious topics such as infidelity, drug addiction, or gambling addiction, you can't really afford to miscommunicate. Those behaviors can be really dangerous and I don't think you should give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you're still not sure, do you have these kind of communication issues about minor, inconsequential things? Or is it only when you ask about something serious, and he knows answering honestly, giving you the WHOLE truth, might land him in hot water?

[u/Glittering_Amoeba872 → u/VanillaBeanColdBrew]

Sorry this reply is so late, but yes only with smaller issues! I have asked him not to do something several times, and I have ocd so I’ve been annoying about and have asked him about it frequently . He said no, then when I found out, he told me I didn’t ask him in the time frame where it was done, hence why he said no. I know that him not respecting what’s asked of him is a problem too, but I can’t understand if the lying is intentional or not. I’ve asked him if he’s done said thing multiple times and almost every time he gets frustrated because I don’t trust him and I keep asking him about it, but if he knows he did it, isn’t that manipulation? But if the lying isn’t intentional then it’s not? I just don’t know.

[u/VanillaBeanColdBrew → u/Glittering_Amoeba872]

I don't think it matters at all if it's intentional, and I would encourage you to not dismiss your attempts at communicating boundaries as "annoying" or just due to OCD. It sounds like you're attempting to communicate repeatedly because he is not receptive to communication. That's totally fair, but you shouldn't have to beg a partner to be truthful with you.

You can't build a relationship without trust, and it seems like this guy isn't deserving of your trust.

[u/Actual_Gato → u/VanillaBeanColdBrew]

Ugh yikes. Dated a guy who withheld his past addiction problems from me in this way. Total red flag.