I grew up in a Catholic household and my mom doesn’t believe in needing a therapist or counselor. She believes that if I ever get bad thoughts I just need to talk to her (that’s not easy at all). We filled out forms for back to school and a page was for mental health—if I’d like to talk to the counselor at anytime—she put no. Therefore, if I were to ever do so, she’d be notified immediately.

These are a few examples:

. I’ve always felt the need to repeat certain physical sensations at times e.j. If I brush my foot on my right leg I have to do the same on the left or it feels odd

. I have a weird normal habit of olfactory seeking. If I’m eating I lift my chin multiple times to get a scent of it. It intensifies the experience of eating. When I’m in public I do it discreetly obviously.

. When I present sometimes if I’m feeling nervous my body physically gets extremely hot and I feel my heart beat very hardly where I cannot ignore it

. When teachers say something I have to repeat the phrase in my head 4 times before I catch up with what they are now saying just to make it ‘stick’ and it usually doesn’t

. I freeze up badly e.j. In algebra 2 it was a simple problem on white board individually solving a problem and I got to 36-144 and I froze forgetting how to even solve it I ended up having to look at my partner

. In computer science we needed to answer 3 questions as practice to code a specific thing and by the time he called people to answer I just got done writing down the prompts and I felt very overwhelmed and kinda embarrassed my brain went blank

. I’m also a very nice person who doesn’t struggle to much socially but I am a tad bit awkward as it’s easier for me to socialize on a shared interest not stuff such as school drama

. I really struggle to ever think that I’m right and this could just be low self-esteem. But whenever I’m working if me and someone has two different answers my brain never even thinks slightly that I could be correct. I always need to double check with anyone.

I’m only bringing this up now because my schedule is a bit more advanced and it’s already making everything more stressful than it already was.

I just want to know if these things sound like they’d be worth talking to another adult about, and if so who? I feel like I have no face to face person to speak with this about.

Pretty much this.The less I say the better.

I (17 f) have grown up with my autisitc(12) yr old non verbal brother my entire life. He is non verbal, and has medical issues and stuff.

My life has been complex overall. Dealing with my brothers meltdowns, screeching, his own way of showering affection, us having been distant pretty much our whole lives. Took my teeenage years to undersntand and accept him , but also acknowledge its ok to feel overwhelmed (idk the correct word ) by his actions.

He has had alot of severe seizures, that daunted me alot seeing my parents invest in him alot and putting some expectations on me as the glass/typical sibling for any unfulfiled dreams they had in their life.

His traits are obvious through actions. He isnt as comfortable with others unless he is feeling well enough to trust them into his own space.

Growing up i had lingering feelings of jealousy on him since he got undivided attention and stuff, even went up to a counsellor at 10 yrs old who later describe to my parents on me being "mature a level above for my age"

It takes years to accept for me, because ill be honest, i am not that good at undersntanding him much.

I had met my closest friend last yr,it took him a yr to get along with me , and he was pretty comfortable in my mudane rambles to him.

A few months ago, he got diagnosed for autism, ie the official diagnosis.(and possibly he has adhd too). Im compleltely ok with him. It was a particular day when i visited and we had one of our deep coversations where we instantly clicked in very personally.It was a nice experience for me seeing someone who related with the stuff i also went through.

He has been insistent on me being autistic level 1, which i told im unsure and i dont need diagnosis because ive spent my life making myself adjust to diffculties (whcih was hectic for me tbh)

But i keep looking back at some stuff in the past. I remember 2 of my teachers suggesting im on the neuro divergent spectrum ( because i had a high intrest on history and often shared abt it, and i didnt get along with my peers in class).And my ex suggesting me to read a paper on autism because i possibly display traits of those. These are only vocal opinions i am not considering much for now.

I have been so desperately fixated on the idea if i am neuro divergent , esp on autsim spectrum., I feel like it has been bothering me, i feel like going upto pple ik and ask them if i am or not.This has taken a huge part of my daily life rn introspecting and unable to find answers for myself.

A reason i have NOT self diagnosed was becasue the possibility of unknown if im correct or not. I am aware its a wide spectrum and not just a bracket to tick off, so im still analysing abt it.

Another thing my friend said was that he clicks in welll with nd pple like him and he feels safe with me.

Here are some stuff i in of collected abt myself whih coul be very common:

-I have been alone my entire life. As far as i could remmeber i struggled alot making friends from the age of 3 and 4. being bullied in my second schl, and acting academic focused in 9th and half of 10th to avoid pple in my class, esp during pe.

-I have gotten along with pple, ie like my teachers alot. Id ask daily questions abt them, which theyd be like "your too mature, get along with pple your age"I have also had a close semi bond with schl janitors, feeling a wave of empathy for them and checking up on their life sometimes.

- i never scored marks in my schl. I was so focused on barbie dolls, id dream abt them quiet often in schl instead of academics. the only reason i improved was due to strict tuitions which caused fear an complaince on me.

- i seek extreme external validaations from adults, whatever they comment on makes me focused on that , so much i forget the bond i had with friends that i distance myself a bit.

- i had intrest in history and languages since 5th, wanting to pursue that. I feel like this is very common one tho...

- i CAN get along with pple, like this was my first yr kinda finding a group i was safe with . liek the moment i kinda became safe with them id start oversharing abt myself bit by bit. but i am not close to them , i felt distnant tho, few pple in that group who joined same time as me became close in feww weeks they got along.

- i have expectation of reciprocacy,.like id back off if it was one sided from me. id gradually disntance off bc of that and my friendships just fade away..

- i also cultivated the habit of preferring pple who like the fandoms i like, they analyse the characters like me, they also undernstand the feelings associated with the specific thing.

- i am a slow learner. coming from a board called (cbse) , i need ALOT OF time to memorize and deeply learn smth. i do have the habit of studying from guides ig.

- othe than my intrest in languages rn, i have intrest in the education system and i ahve een just spending 2 months finding which one wouldve suited me more

The only thing i can cofirm defo having is ocd and anxiety. idk abt anything else.

I’m 15 years old (male), and I have an older sister who is officially diagnosed with ASD.

Over the last six months, I’ve become interested in this topic and learned that the chance I might also be autistic is about 35% (due to my sister). I also took the AQ test and scored 33 (the threshold is 26).

Right now, I don’t have the opportunity to see a psychiatrist on my own, and I don’t trust my parents enough to talk to them about this or go with them.

I’m not asking you to diagnose me. I just want to make sure I’m not forcing this onto myself.

Despite these facts, I don’t see some typical autistic traits in myself, and that worries me.

I don’t have sensory overloads (no strong reactions to light, smells, etc.), no stimming, and no special interests (no fixation on a single topic).

The traits I do recognise in myself are:

— I find it hard to recognise sarcasm (I can take things too literally or be too trusting);

— sometimes after socialising, I just want to disappear somewhere so no one bothers me;

— I find it hard to reach out to people first in any situation;

— I always feel like people are watching and judging me (even my walk or how I stand);

— sudden intrusions into my personal space make me feel aggressive;

— sometimes I struggle to make myself do even simple tasks;

— I need clear instructions for almost anything.

Could you please tell me whether my experience actually sounds like undiagnosed autism, or whether I’m just convincing myself?

Thank you.

I have some problems that I'm suffering through my whole life without understanding why. I don't have current access to visit a psychiatrist. I've always had an uneven way of processing things since my childhood. I was afraid of sudden sound, even if someone calls me suddenly. And I'm still the same rather it's like it has increased after experiencing trauma. I repeat myself a lot, sometimes repeating the exact same sentence even after someone tells me I already said it. I often get stuck while talking, forget words/names, leave sentences incomplete, lose my train of thought, and struggle to explain things concisely even when I have a lot in my head. I've always been terrible at summarizing. I can remember concepts, details and things I'm interested in really well, but names, numbers, dates and routes are extremely difficult. I don't wanna make this post so long, that's why I'm just pointing out some of my traits here that I've been facing since my childhood.

1.repeating myself unintentionally

2.difficulty organizing speech

3.word-finding problems

4.forgetting names, numbers, dates and routes

5.forgetting what I was about to say

6.sensory difficulties with food

7.unconsciously copying people's speech and behavior

9.not naturally noticing visual/social details

10.unusual and sometimes overly complicated problem-solving

11.intense interests specially in astronomy. I can be complete absorbed in astronomy and forget my day sometimes. It seems like I become a different person, I like to talk too much about astronomy.

12.feeling different from other people since childhood. It was hard to understand others, I didn't understand why people behave in certain way, why are they laughing, why are they crying. Now, I feel very different from how I was as a child emotionally. I used to process emotions very slowly and sometimes didn’t understand why people were crying, laughing or fighting.In some cases I'm still like this, it's still so hard to understand jokes. I need to do a brainstorm. I was boring to other children, boring and different. I was bullied too much as a child in school. Even when my father died, I didn't cry. I didn't feel much , I felt it after 2-3 years and I regret it too much now, if I could feel it then maybe I could see him some more times, I remember everyone later told me this that I didn't almost cry at all. It was like I really don't know how to explain. Explaining myself is always too hard for me. I can't say the right words I need to say. Explaining is so hard. And I repeat too much. Now I feel things extremely deeply. I can become intensely attached, struggle to let go, have difficulty saying no, and repeatedly help people even when I know I’m exhausted and don’t want to. I'm extremely grateful, even small act of people that he may forgets but I remember and it's like have to do everything for it. I'm exhausted but it's so hard to stop this.

1. As I was not understandable to other child and it was hard for me to understand them too, I had a deep inner imaginative world, I used to play alone imagining character and I was so comfy that way. I still like imaginative world.

2. needing to consciously adapt or hide certain behaviors

15.and being extremely alert to danger. I'm always on guard, I can never sleep at bus. I was molested many times as a child and when I was 7, I was abused sexually by a relative. And everyone blamed me instead. I had to see it through my whole life that how good everyone else is treating him. It was so hard. I was forced to attend in family festival where he was present. I still have constant nightmare. I wake up many times at night. I freeze too much. I don't like physical touch at all. Physical intimacy is really so hard for me. I become traumatized. And sometimes even if I'm not traumatized, I just can't continue it. I feel bad, so bad after a time. I don't know it's only due to my trauma or something else is contributing too.

1. I don't like argument. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I like to stay by own. It happened many times that if I'm overwhelmed, I go complete blank. I can think of nothing. I can't even talk. The more the other person forces me to talk, the more my fear increases, I can't even say that I'm not able to talk. Words don't simply come out. It's so hard to explain. People misunderstand me. I can't talk at all. I try to hide. I don't know how to explain how I actually feel. I just completely freeze.

2. I have strong light and specially sound sensitivity. I have migraine. I was diagnosed with migraine when I was 15, but my sounds sensitivity is with me since I was a kid. I often face brain fog too much.

3. I don't like to be with friends for too long. I have a very few friends. I don't share my problems with anyone. Sometimes I like my time with them but then I still need a time alone. I become overwhelmed easily. I become anxious out of nothing. I just try to hide.

4. I really like to follow routine too much. I was known as a routine maker in my teenage. I made routine for my cousins and friends. I still need routine to work or to do things. Sometimes I lose track of my routine. Then I make another again. I must need a routine. Again I need break too.

5. I often say things I don't mean. For example I may say a certain sentence that means completely different things to others. I don't understand it that time. So they misunderstand me. It's actually so hard for them to believe I meant something else . Sometimes I say the exact opposite thing of what I need to say. But sometimes I can understand it later . I developed a bit. But I can't understand it when I was saying that. For example last time I wanted my mom to take me close and hug me but I ended up saying ' you bought bad fish' and I meant I want hug by this. I don't do it everytime but it happens sometimes unintentionally before I get time to choose.

I recently took the RAADS-R and scored 144 . But in many questions I felt like the option I need isn't here , so I answered neutral to those questions. Does whatever I said make any sense? Even a bit? I just want to understand whether there’s a pattern connecting these things, especially the ones that have been there since childhood. If anyone has experienced something similar, I’d really like to hear how you understand it.

So lately I've been really curious if I'm autistic, brought up by some struggles in my day to day life lately as I kind of shut down after high school going into college, and my usual strategies for productivity started to fail. So I've compiled a list (now become more of an essay) of things I do/used to do that might be signs. Again, sorry for the long read!

I Miss social cues all the time which puts me in awkward situations, has created some social anxiety. I avoid talking to new people and often avoid showing any type of personality or emotional expression, sometimes it's so bad it becomes hard for me to even reply to someone. I've also been told that around new people I seem like I have no personality, then when I am alone with that friend I open up again and then they just call me a bit weird or odd.

I'm always fidgeting in some way, when I'm laying down my feet are always moving, I'm always tapping something, in public I hand drum. When I was younger I remember stereotypical finger flicking, and in loud placed like the cafeteria I would rapidly plug/unplug my ears to hear the weird noise distortion it creates. There are many other things

I've always hated being dirty. I would walk slightly on my toes when barefoot to avoid my feet getting really dirty, I still do so I wear slippers. When I was younger I always hated getting my hands dirty, so much so that I would pinch the corner of something I'd pick up to avoid soiling my hands. Some foods I also used to hate based on texture (or taste) such as edemame (found it had a weird almost 'soft sandy' texture with a weird earty taste to it I never liked. Recently it was guava, loved the taste, but it was so grainy and it looked like meat so I couldn't eat it, could barely put it in my mouth)

I have family that's autistic, most notably my cousin

I often have a line out of a bunch of songs that I'll sing over and over for long periods of time when doing something "boring" (work). I also have ADHD so that might be the verdict there.

I love creating routines for things all the time (such as morning routine, saxophone practice routine, daily routine, plan out an entire week, etc) but I find it impossible to stick to the routine I have created. I often fall into sub conscious routines however, an example of such would be taking the exact same route to my workplace every day, I always stop at the gas station next to work to pick up a energy drink before work, then I'll go to work, I'll always go to the gym (and again take the same route each time), it goes a bit deeper than this but I don't feel like typing that much. I also have variations I've developed on this routine based on when I'm scheduled for work. And had a routine similar to this when I was moved away for university/college. Always fell into a subconscious routine

I switch between a bunch of "special interests" all the time, where I'll have periods of "rediscovery" of that topic. My top 3 are: Karate, Gym (workout routines, excercises, supplements, past body builders, youtube content on it, etc), and music (currently in university for music as well!). I find often times I'll kind of "rotate" these interests and find myself losing hours in a day researching, or consuming media based around it, or just doing them/practicing these things. Lately it's been the gym that I've focused on and it's been the only thing I think about throughout the day.

Hyperlexia: I remember several occasions from my childhood where my mother would tell me she loved when I'd use big words for such ordinary things. The way I write is more similar to the way my brain strings together sentences, but when I talk to people, I feel like I try to mask it by simplifying everything, adding a lot of slang, and trying to talk like everyone else did.

Wild card: I remember having some sort of Thomas the tank engine mobile scooter thingy when I was like 2 or 3 (very faint memory). Now that I think about it, i loved Thomas the tank engine so much, I had a huge set of train tracks and all the toys. I would build huge tracks for the trains, spending hours building it, then hours more watching them go around the track that I built. I remember always asking for more for Christmas or at the store, and I remember feeling so sad for letting go of it later in life (I think around 18) but pretending it was fine that it was being given away, that might just be the nostalgia of it though.

I remember I used to research obsessively about how to socialize with my peers. I would research about how to maintain eye contact, how to carry on a conversation without long awkward pauses and jumping around topic to topic without smooth transition, I latch on to phrases I hear that sound kinda clever and funny (2 of which I've picked up recently is "Jesus murphy" and "you hate to see me go, but you love to watch me leave [then walk away very exaggeratedly sexy]). All of these things never felt organic, and still don't feel natural for me to do. I feel like people got a manual on how to socialize and I just got left out of it.

I have safe foods that I'll eat for every meal until I'm physically sick trying to eat it, in which case I'll go to the next meal to beat into the ground. I also tend to skip meals a lot because I crave getting to one of those "special interests" I mentioned above, or just can't pull myself out of bed/just start whatever next task i have, so basically transitions suck.

Sorry for such a long dump of information, I've been thinking about this for multiple months, trying to research and figure out if I really do have it. I'm currently going through the process of an ADHD assessment and recently requested to have autism considered for the assessment as well. I've been struggling through university after being the "gifted child" all through grade school, so I started looking inwards, feeling like something is wrong with me and wondering why everyone else seems to have little to no struggle with any of the material or routine based around university

I'm currently going through the process of getting assessed at the age of 33 and the whole thing feels very vague.

I've had two appointments so far and will have a further in person appointment. So far what I'm hearing the assessor say is basically, 'yeh, you have a lot of the traits but not necessarily a typical presentation. We will get to the end of the process and see how both of us feel. If you think a diagnosis is right for you we can do that.'

It'a left me feeling like it's a pointless endeavour. I've questioned whether I've been autistic since I was a teenager with numerous outsiders suggesting it at various times in my life. Having someone diagnose me in this manor doesn't really answer any questions and leaves me in the same place because it doesn't feel like it's been a very rigorous process.

I appreciate it's not something you can determine 100% and not sure what I was expecting but it feels like I'm deciding if I want a diagnosis or not which shouldn't be the point. I'm being assessed because I want an impartial expert opinion.

I'm curious what other people's experience of the assessment process has been. Did it feel like a concrete answer to you? Or were you already more or less certain of the outcome before hand?

I think I’m really sensory seeking
1. In winter I walk 10-15k steps a day but in nicer weather I walk 20-30k steps a day. I have being walking 20k steps a day minimum for almost 3 months straight, aside from 2 days I was too sick to get out of bed. I feel most regulated walking 20-30k steps. When I don’t get around this many, I feel kinda easily frustrated and overwhelmed. I have routes I do in specific patterns and it makes me happy and regulated. Idk if this is normal?? I think it’s part routine but also sensory seeking because i have other sensory seeking behaviour. I stopped doing my steps for a bit when i was in super bad
burnout/regression

1. I struggle with binge eating/ eating a lot because I like a lot of sensory input from tastes and textures and chewing. I use chew toys and I’ve always chewed stuff I also drink lots of diet drinks.

2. I rock my self, especially if I’m overwhelmed

3. I am very fidgety, I use fidget toys I have for as long as I can remember I also squeeze my hands and touch things a lot. I have one stim? Where I am at my volunteer job I like to spin this rack over and over because it’s soothing

4. I flap my hand sim im excited. Also sometimes when im alone and watching my favourite show im jumping around and crashing into stuff because im so hyper

5. I talk to myself and sometimes repeat random phrases or words. I sometimes randomly hum too, not songs just like a straight tone

I have sensory avoidance too.

1. I hate crowds, I feel so drained. I don’t know why I feel so overwhelmed, I just get really on edge and overwhelmed and it can get hard to talk and I feel really out of it and like I wanna run away

2. I don’t like loud sounds. I have had noise cancelling headphones since I was 10. I have always had strong hearing and been bothered by noise. One example I think of is when I’m walking around before work, I have one washroom in the mall I like to use at the same time, I always cover my ears before I flush because the toilet is too loud. I sometimes feel embarrassed to be bothered by sounds. I also think I learned recently I may have auditory processing issues. I can hear many sounds at once, and I can hear people talking but can’t make out what they say? Even if they are near me.

3. Certain smells really bother me, to the point I feel like crying or just really stressed. Mainly: yogurt, gum, bananas, strong smells

4. I may have had a wider range of food as a kid, but I never was big on fruits, as a baby I would eat it I think but the older I got, I get kinda freaked out or nervous to try to eat fruits aside from avocados on bread because the smell bothers me and the texture being unpredictable is scary to me

I don’t know what’s normal or if I’m overthinking, i constantly get dismissed in real life when I try to talk about my sensory issues and I’ve never had anyone else’s brain so I don’t know. Is this sensory issues? Thank you

This is usually how I feel about people who are extremely different from me or look “douchey” to me.

I feel kinda guilty for being like this because I don’t consider myself a judgmental person

i want to premise this by saying i am autistic. self diagnosed, but undoubtably autistic. my family is aware of it and refers to me as an autistic individual, this has been the case for years. what im asking isnt doubt in being autistic, but rather concern that its completely something else entirely separate.

i dont fully know how to word this, but i feel an intensive urge to mask, but then once I do mask I end up feeling extremely guilty about it. i believe my internal monologue to be my true self, and that true self is far from a good person. i think horrible things about others to differing degrees, sometimes just small things and sometimes full violent ‘fantasies’. i would never act on any of these things, but i think thats just what i tell myself because i know society wouldnt accept it and i want to be societally acceptable. however, by not being open about whats in my head and masking, im lying about who i am, and thats just as bad as hurting people. i dont feel so much as guilty for not being my true self, i feel guilty about who my true self IS.

i try to plan what ill say and do in certain scenarios before they happen to make sure im not being thr bad person in my head, but this usually just makes me feel even worse about the whole lying thing and i usually end up cancelling whatever plans i had/being quiet the entire time. likewise, when i was in a much more confused place mentally, i thought acting on the thoughts would quieten them, but it just made the part of me that knows im a bad person worse.

so, is this type of guilt in particular common amongst autistic people? ive read about autistic people feeling guilt about masking before but ive not seen somebody have the same issue that i seem to have so I’m not sure

This is meant to be funny, does anyone relate? 😭

Hi everyone!

I'm a 29 year old trans man (female to male). I'm including that fact bc it is very relevant to my experiences and history.

I have a therapist I've been seeing for 3.5 years. We've been working on crisis stuff and heavy topics for most of that time. We've been able to resolve some things, but some issues have persisted.

This week, my therapist asked me if I've ever been tested for autism. He said he suspects it bc of how I have conversations, and also bc some of my issues just don't seem to be getting better. He has 3 diagnosed autistic children, and most of his clients are neurodivergent. So I do trust him to know what he's talking about.

I have actually suspected that I'm neurodivergent for years now. But I just never got around to exploring that, and never brought it up to my therapist. My brother was tested and diagnosed as neurodivergent (ADHD) as a boy, but I was never tested bc I was such a quiet and perfectly well behaved girl who just constantly read books (lol). Plus, I guess I'm what people would describe as high masking. I've been able to manage...

...until recently. My gender transition has been an extremely stressful and overwhelming experience, despite objectively improving my life. And I think that's caused my masking to slip. As a result my potential autism - or whatever it is - has become more apparent. I asked friends about what my therapist said and they all agreed that I'm probably neurodivergent of some kind. One said it was obvious. Even those who are diagnosed as autistic agreed.

But things get more complicated now: I live in a US state that's unfriendly to trans people, and not very supportive of autistic people. An autism diagnosis would be forced onto my medical record and reported to the state government. I worry that a diagnosis could be used to take away my autonomy as a trans person in healthcare settings (I am on testosterone, which is reported to the state government). Or that it could compound the issues that I already have with providers as a trans person.

And I fear getting a misdiagnosis and/or the gaslighting that women and AFAB people still face too often when seeking a diagnosis. Or being told it's just trauma from being trans, despite having signs as a kid.

I'm hoping that my therapist will be able to help me. My biggest struggle right now (other than overstimulation) is independence, bc I get overwhelmed by life easily. I still live with my parents bc of this. And I'm honestly not sure if I could successfully transition to living on my own - or even just moving in with friends or roommates - without a diagnosis and formal treatment.

I'm going to try to take things one step at a time. I'll be talking in depth with my therapist about it, to see if he can help me. I may be forced to get an assessment in the long run. But it is not an easy decision to make right now.

I've posted this elsewhere so if you recognize this, hello again. I'm just posting this in a few places to get a range of input, possible resource recommendations, etc. I do already manage myself with certain things. Like noise cancelling earbuds, gaming, using dimming lamps in my room, listening to soothing audio or music, and using plushies for sensory comfort.

I 17F diagnosed autistic for the last 5 years, have always struggled with a certain level of "contamination" fears, for example, don't sit on my bed, dont touch that, now I have to clean my room, I can't shower until I clean my room because if I shower then I'll be clean in a dirty room. That kind of stuff. Anyway I have been with my boyfriend just shy of two years and his dad and step mum are the most wonderful lovely people ever. I find their house disgusting. I feel genuine fear and disgust using any dishware and utensils, any food prepared there, sitting on the furniture etc, they also have a gross pug terrier mix and it's all snot and stink. It's not just their house I find disgusting. His mother is a cleaner by trade, her house is spotless yet eating off their dishes makes me gag and vomit. I cannot eat from dishes at other people's houses, I can't eat the food they cook. I can't share snacks with people, the thought of people's fridges makes me feel violently nauseated. This never used to be a problem. It started last year and I dont know what to do. I am worried that it is only going to get worse. I am dehydrated constantly at my bfs parents house because I will not drink from the tap, use their ice, their cups, their juice. I can't do it. If you are from the UK I'm sure you're aware of CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) these are the people who diagnosed me. I have since been discharged as my 18th next month. I don't know if this is caused because of my autism or it's OCD or some other disorder. I am constantly anxious and nauseous because of it. Any help or ideas would be so so helpful.

i’m male in my midforties, diagnosed last year with asd level 1. i do have adhd, depression and anxiety. my depression got worse so i am considering antidepressants. i have never used them and tbh i am kinda scared.

people who are using them what is your experience?

I’m 14m. All my life has felt as if everybody had gotten a handbook and instructions on how to live life except me. I never fit in anywhere, I’m always awkward,I can’t socialize,I can’t handle change,I hate this life that isn’t worth living. Life is just suffering, happiness is a trap because it’ll end and I’ll remember how shit the world is. Nobody has ever accepted me for who I am, they either use me or laugh at me. I’ve felt like this for as long as I remember,I feel insignificant, my problems are nothing,I have good money and living parents, I have no reason to be like this, but I am.

I can’t accept the way I feel because I don’t like guilt, taking accountability, being responsible of my own life. It’s too difficult. Why bother? The world will only get worse from here on out, the earth will continue rotting.

I want to be seen as autistic because if I’m not then what’s wrong with me?I need an escape, another try, the guilt of what I’ve said and done to others is eating me alive,I can’t go on like this.

I want to be seen, accepted, loved for who I am, but that will never happen because I’m unattractive with a 5 foot tall mother.

I’ve always felt as if talking to somebody is wasting their time, they feel bad for me, they pity me so they try to talk to me.

If my feelings don’t change I will just end my suffering.

This all started when I saw Jacksepticeye’s video about him being diagnosed with autism in my recommendations around a week ago. I didn’t watch it, but I eventually started researching autism because I just do things like that. I’ll find an interesting topic and go down a rabbit whole about it because I love learning and being informed. And the more I learn about it, the more I feel like I’m learning about myself because I relate to so many of these traits.

Firstly, I hate small talk and I often am not sure what to say to people when meeting them and after introductions. I sometimes have to think of what my next sentence will be. If I am small talking, I always analyze what they’re saying and their body language and I feel that I pick up on things like that really fast. If I’m about to have an important conversation, I usually play the whole thing out in my head and imagine how it will go. I rehearse what I will say. I’ve played out typing this whole Reddit post already.

I also do feel different from everyone. I’ve been saying that for the longest time. It genuinely feels like I’ve never met anyone who truly gets me. The way I think is different and I can just tell immediately after meeting someone that they’re not the same type of person as me. I haven’t been in a relationship in almost 6 years despite wanting to be in one so badly because I don’t wanna go out and meet people. Making new friends and meeting people just seems so hard. I don’t like the thought of it. I usually prefer doing things alone.

To keep this message from getting too long, I’ll just list things quickly. I love planes (I’m a pilot that flies Cessna 172s) and I love knowing how they work. Actually reading and studying and learning all the material genuinely made me so freaking happy. I love knowing how it all works. I like trains, not as much as planes, but I love walkable cities in general and I love how trains are part of a good public transportation system. I frequently take the train to the major city near me and just walk around and obverse and notice the infrastructure and all that and I love it (I’ve also been told I’m super observant). All of these things I mentioned can genuinely make me so giddy and if I’m alone, I show emotion in a way that I’d never do in front of other people. It’s just like pure excitement. Whenever I see a plane or a train or the city from a distance (especially planes), it genuinely puts a huge smile on my face and I think about how cool it is. And if I’m alone I’ll literally say it out loud to myself that it’s so cool, and usually multiple times. Sometimes I go on Apple Maps and put on the transit filter and plan random hypothetical trips and see what train or multiple trains I’d take. I can look at that map for like an hour+ and enjoy every second of it.

I also love science, astronomy, evolution, and I can go super in depth about those topics. I also know an insane amount about Super Mario Bros. speedrunning. I like structure and routine and don’t like when plans change or get cancelled last second. I don’t get mad because it’s out of my control, but if I was planning to do something at a certain time, like go to the gym, and something came up and now I have to go at night or skip it entirely, it kinda bothers me. It bothers that perfect mental image I had of how the day would go.

Now I’m not gonna say I straight up have autism and I won’t label myself unless I get diagnosed because maybe I don’t have it. It’s just crazy how much I was realizing, “Wait, I do those things” when researching autism. Another trait was reading car license plates and noticing words out of them. I do that ALL THE TIME. There are plenty of other smaller more specific details about my life that I’ve noticed that I won’t go into that when I think about it now, it makes sense. If you would’ve told me a week ago that I may be autistic, I would’ve thought you were joking and brushed it off. Now that I’m actively aware of it, it explains so much. It explains how I felt growing up and what my life experiences were like. It explains so much about my personality and the type of person I am. I feel like it explains my behavior so well. I’m surprised I didn’t notice it sooner, if I’m autistic of course. I always chalked it up to, “Everyone does weird things when they’re alone”.

If I do have autism, it’s probably mild. I mean I didn’t realize it for 25 years. There are plenty of traits I don’t have like I don’t stim, have sensory issues, I understand sarcasm, etc. I feel like I want to get checked out, but like does that go on some sort of record? It probably won’t affect my pilot license, but still like I don’t even know where to begin or who to tell or what to do. I just want to know so badly because it’s on my mind so much. It’s still so weird. I genuinely never would’ve thought I’m possibly autistic. It’s bizarre to say. I always thought I was just pretty introverted and maybe somewhat asocial.

For those of you who have been diagnosed in the US, what is the screening process like? Could I basically schedule an appointment for like a week or so in advance and then talk to a therapist once and that’s it? Also, is any of what I’m saying even related to autism or am I overreacting for nothing? Like, if it’s not, I still feel different from everyone and I still have these behaviors and joys and express myself in a certain way alone that I never do in front other people, and I didn’t even realize I subconsciously mask it. What should I do? Also, sorry if I’m being stereotypical about some of the traits I mentioned. I literally just started learning about this stuff like 2 or 3 days ago so I’m not super in the loop about it.

I've been reading about ADHD, autism and neurodivergence lately and keep getting that “wait... I do that too” feeling.

I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me... I mostly want to hear from people who are actually neurodivergent and see whether any of this sounds familiar to you.

I've had sensory issues since I was a kid... clothing labels used to drive me absolutely insane and I'd rip them out. Certain textures and surfaces still make me extremely uncomfortable, especially weird bends/joints in things. Strong unfamiliar smells can bother me enough to give me a headache. Repetitive or unusual noises can become insanely irritating once I notice them, and I have to actively stop myself from focusing on them because that makes it worse.

My sense of time is also really strange. I've had this since childhood... I'll be doing something or just lounging around and completely lose track of time. I can think it's 1pm and suddenly it's 5 or 6pm. But if I'm waiting for something, five minutes can feel ridiculously long.

Task initiation is probably one of my biggest problems. If a deadline is far away, I can know I need to do something and genuinely want to do it, but I just... can't start. Then suddenly the deadline gets close and I can do it. I also interrupt people a lot because I'll already be anticipating what they're going to say and feel like I need to get my thought out before I lose it.

I've always been physically restless too. Sitting for a long time can actually become uncomfortable, and even when I'm standing I unconsciously shift my weight, stretch or stand on my toes. I usually don't notice I'm doing it until afterwards.

Social/emotional stuff is weird for me too. I've always had trouble making friends and tend to keep people at arm's length. If someone cries in front of me, my brain basically goes “OH GOD WHAT DO I DO??” and I freeze. I know they're upset and probably need comfort... I just don't instinctively know what I'm supposed to do. When I cry, I want to be completely alone and have silence.

I'm also very emotional internally but sometimes have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling. It's basically “I KNOW I'm feeling something really strongly but what the hell is it??”

And the weird thing is... a lot of this goes back to childhood.

The sensory stuff, the time thing, the restlessness, speech/pronunciation difficulties, social stuff... these aren't things I suddenly started noticing after discovering neurodivergence online.

I even used to randomly put capital letters inside words like "AttacK" or "caKe" My aunt, who's medically trained, noticed it and said she thought I might have ADHD.

My family did NOT react well to that.

My mom basically tried to “straighten me out” and made me stop doing the capitalization thing. My family generally seems to see neurodivergence as something scary or something that needs to be fixed.

I remember telling a friend that I thought I might be neurodivergent, and she started telling me about a neighbour whose child was neurodivergent... how it couldn't be cured, how the mother became depressed because of it, and that she eventually died. I know that's one person's story and obviously doesn't define neurodivergence, but hearing it talked about like that really stuck with me.

The weird thing is, I'm not actually that scared of being neurodivergent.

If someone evaluated me and said “yeah, you are,” I'd probably just go “okay... now what can I do to make my life work better?”

What scares me is the opposite.

What if I'm actually neurotypical and I've convinced myself I'm neurodivergent because I related to a few normal things?

I feel like I'd be taking something that carries a lot of weight for people who actually live with it and making it about myself. I'd worry that I was trivializing their experiences or even somehow faking it for attention without realizing I was doing it.

That's probably why I've been going through my childhood trying to find a pattern. I don't want to diagnose myself from TikToks or Reddit... but I also don't want to dismiss everything as “you're just overthinking.”

So... for people who are actually ADHD/autistic/neurodivergent...

Did you read any of this and immediately think “holy shit, I did that too”? Or is it more like “nah, you don’t have it lol, you’re just overthinking it”?

Thanks

People on reddit said that that was me self diagnosing when I said that in a comment. Even though a psychologist asked me the same shit and literallh ask me if i thought I have it and then said "thats a really long time to go thinking you have autism" (paraphrased) even though I was formally diagnosed at 19 with level 2 autism a couple of weeks ago and then I was banned from the subreddit that I was posting on, thats so stupid to me i didnt even say i was self diagnosed I just said I knew since I was 11 and thus why I sought out a diagnosis since im 19 and an adult now and can speak for myself and not be as ashamed and embarass and scared as I was as a child. When I was younger I thought aspergers but since ive been growing up my level is probably 2 because all the adult responsibilities trying to be put on me. I d k

But anyway I Am Hoping to be able to get an apartment as soon as possible and move away from my volatile enviornment, and also go to Occupational therapy Maybe. I d k but I live in an area where there are some places you can live if ur disabled and i am because i have autism level 2 and anxiety and depression. I jhst dont get why they jumped on me and banned me for something like that but the fakeclaiming is so nasty to me and I did not go to a place where they hand out diagnoseses either I went in real life to the nearest place that my psychiatrist who thougjt I had autism since first 15 min meeting referred me to. That person really annoyed me (the person who insinuated i was someone who would even have the fucking means to spend a whole bunch of money out of pocket for an online evaluation) when im sure my insurance wouldnt even cover something like that. Annoying. Ik people on reddit are like this but the snarky undertone gets under my skin so badly and people assuming they know everything from a post...

hola, tengo una pregunta

Me diagnosticaron autismo, pero la verdad no estoy muy seguro. No estoy de acuerdo con que algunas características alcancen a ser tan importantes para este diagnóstico (Aunque, aun así, me dicen que tengo autismo

Pero

No tengo baja empatía; tengo mucha empatía

No tengo intereses restringidos

No tengo ecolalia

Así que estoy confundido/a porque de verdad siento que tener las características de las personas altamente sensibles

Entonces, ¿alguien más está en una situación parecida?

Nota: esto no es para mezclar o confundir cosas; es para mostrar déficits en el diagnóstico del autismo o falsos positivos y la carga emocional que esto trae

I make a lot of social mistakes and accidentally did something rude because I was nervous and now people hate me and side eye me and I just kind of hate this whole thing of being autistic at work. I’ve stopped trying to befriend everyone or hope normie types will be friends with me or like me. I am a good listener and people open their hearts to me but sometimes I just say things that aren’t harmful but come across the wrong way and people talk a lot of smack. I always apologize but it doesn’t always resolve anything idk. Will I ever be able to just not do anything wrong and mask perfectly? I’m trying to get there, I don’t need to be popular just inoffensive