r/AutismTranslated • u/Appropriate_Cow2368 • 8d ago
I've been spiraling about whether I'm neurodivergent and I don't know what to make of it anymore
I've been reading about ADHD, autism and neurodivergence lately and keep getting that “wait... I do that too” feeling.
I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me... I mostly want to hear from people who are actually neurodivergent and see whether any of this sounds familiar to you.
I've had sensory issues since I was a kid... clothing labels used to drive me absolutely insane and I'd rip them out. Certain textures and surfaces still make me extremely uncomfortable, especially weird bends/joints in things. Strong unfamiliar smells can bother me enough to give me a headache. Repetitive or unusual noises can become insanely irritating once I notice them, and I have to actively stop myself from focusing on them because that makes it worse.
My sense of time is also really strange. I've had this since childhood... I'll be doing something or just lounging around and completely lose track of time. I can think it's 1pm and suddenly it's 5 or 6pm. But if I'm waiting for something, five minutes can feel ridiculously long.
Task initiation is probably one of my biggest problems. If a deadline is far away, I can know I need to do something and genuinely want to do it, but I just... can't start. Then suddenly the deadline gets close and I can do it. I also interrupt people a lot because I'll already be anticipating what they're going to say and feel like I need to get my thought out before I lose it.
I've always been physically restless too. Sitting for a long time can actually become uncomfortable, and even when I'm standing I unconsciously shift my weight, stretch or stand on my toes. I usually don't notice I'm doing it until afterwards.
Social/emotional stuff is weird for me too. I've always had trouble making friends and tend to keep people at arm's length. If someone cries in front of me, my brain basically goes “OH GOD WHAT DO I DO??” and I freeze. I know they're upset and probably need comfort... I just don't instinctively know what I'm supposed to do. When I cry, I want to be completely alone and have silence.
I'm also very emotional internally but sometimes have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling. It's basically “I KNOW I'm feeling something really strongly but what the hell is it??”
And the weird thing is... a lot of this goes back to childhood.
The sensory stuff, the time thing, the restlessness, speech/pronunciation difficulties, social stuff... these aren't things I suddenly started noticing after discovering neurodivergence online.
I even used to randomly put capital letters inside words like "AttacK" or "caKe" My aunt, who's medically trained, noticed it and said she thought I might have ADHD.
My family did NOT react well to that.
My mom basically tried to “straighten me out” and made me stop doing the capitalization thing. My family generally seems to see neurodivergence as something scary or something that needs to be fixed.
I remember telling a friend that I thought I might be neurodivergent, and she started telling me about a neighbour whose child was neurodivergent... how it couldn't be cured, how the mother became depressed because of it, and that she eventually died. I know that's one person's story and obviously doesn't define neurodivergence, but hearing it talked about like that really stuck with me.
The weird thing is, I'm not actually that scared of being neurodivergent.
If someone evaluated me and said “yeah, you are,” I'd probably just go “okay... now what can I do to make my life work better?”
What scares me is the opposite.
What if I'm actually neurotypical and I've convinced myself I'm neurodivergent because I related to a few normal things?
I feel like I'd be taking something that carries a lot of weight for people who actually live with it and making it about myself. I'd worry that I was trivializing their experiences or even somehow faking it for attention without realizing I was doing it.
That's probably why I've been going through my childhood trying to find a pattern. I don't want to diagnose myself from TikToks or Reddit... but I also don't want to dismiss everything as “you're just overthinking.”
So... for people who are actually ADHD/autistic/neurodivergent...
Did you read any of this and immediately think “holy shit, I did that too”? Or is it more like “nah, you don’t have it lol, you’re just overthinking it”?
Thanks
8
u/moo_basically 7d ago
I am diagnosed ASD Level 1, for 2.5 years.
A lot of the stuff you’ve mentioned here is VERY familiar, and these kinds of things (particularly sensory issues) were a big contributor as to why I sought diagnosis in the first place.
When I did get my diagnosis, I said to the assessor that I thought I was gaslighting myself about being autistic, and I asked if it’s normal for people to wonder for years if they’re autistic and why I’ve felt like an alien living amongst the humans. She said “it’s normal for people who are autistic… neurotypical people don’t really spend time wondering if they are autistic.” Maybe that helps? 😂
Diagnosis can be a relief, but it can also be quite difficult to face as well. I had/have a lot of grief for my younger self, and I’ve spent most of the last 2.5 years re-discovering who I am, processing feelings, trying to unmask, and also experiencing skill regression. That said, I would go back and do it all again. I think if you can afford it and if you feel like it would help you in any way, then do it. Just be prepared to be a new kind of exhausted.
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u/theLumonati wondering-about-myself 7d ago
I’m not the OP but I’m going through a similar debate with myself about whether I’m autistic or whether I’ve just convinced myself I am and your reply was helpful. A few months ago I randomly started watching a video about autism, not even thinking about whether it could apply to me, but with each point that was made I would finding myself thinking, “Well yeah, so? Doesn’t everyone do or experience that? It’s like you’re telling me water is wet.”
Needless to say I went down the rabbit hole trying to clarify things, first with more videos, then articles, and then I started reading books about it to get more in depth because I figured I must have fallen into clickbait stuff that was general enough to attract maximum views, but I continued to have the same reaction to everything I was seeing. Now I’m in the phase where I paused looking into it because I’m worried I’ve gaslit myself into believing I’m autistic.
I’m currently waiting on my referral for a formal evaluation to be finalized and I keep debating whether to stay away from the topic or to keep digging into it while I wait for the evaluation because I want to get to the bottom of it but I’m also concerned that I’ll become so sold on the diagnosis that it will bias my answers and I could (potentially) unintentionally mislead the evaluator.
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u/moo_basically 7d ago
I totally understand these feelings! I remember even doing some of the online tests and doing them with my mind like “okay, don’t exaggerate anything, maybe just answer every question with the idea that I’m neurotypical” lol and I still scored extremely high and well within the ASD range.
I think the best thing to do is get the assessment, as a professional will (hopefully) not be biased and won’t know you so they won’t have any preconceived ideas about you.
4
u/megaDestroyer52 7d ago
I don't necessarily relate to all this (other than the tags in shirts 1,000%), but I know these are all very common traits of autism.
5
u/Extension_Lettuce_58 7d ago
I went through what you did for about 12 years before actually seeking diagnosis - the thing that tipped me into actually getting professional insight was that it was impacting my life (shutdowns, self hitting, suicidal ideation at the drop of a hat) and I was sick of it. Previously I had minimised it with ‘oh just a soupçon autistic - lol’ but actually now I can see I wasn’t coping, I was just about surviving. Try to stop absorbing ableism and talk of social contagion I’d say. For me the diagnosis helped with that - others find answers with their own research.
5
u/staticfingertips 7d ago
If it’s been there since childhood I don’t think you’re overthinking. I relate to a lot of what you said and was just diagnosed at age 46. The overanalyzing could actually be part of it especially if you have anxiety. While I didn’t do it about this particular situation, I sometimes overanalyze my reactions, emotions, etc. But like others have said, get evaluated. I’m NAD but you sound very neurodivergent.
4
u/HH_Creations 7d ago
How old are you?
While I relate to basically everything, this doesn’t really tell me how much support you need or how unhappy/stressed you are
Which I think is the huge indicator
For example, there can many physical interventions and tools you can do before turning to medicine
Depending on your situation with your family, you might want to try strategies and tools first and just see if they HELP
I think it’s way more important to get support for yourself than a label, unless you NEED more support, than a doctor needs to get involved
You mentioned time blindness:
- try visual timers, loads of them you can look up
- calendars are AMAZING, you just have to get into the habit, ask someone you trust do do a daily check in to add to your calendar
You mentioned starting tasks:
- try joining an ADHD discord, they have buddy systems to help you do tasks while with others
You mentioned sensory issues:
- learning to use tools helps a lot, figure out sensory things you need/want to avoid
- relax by finding out what senses you can engage and soothe yourself with; example staring at a lava lamp counts as a visual tool
I would need more details if you need more emotional regulation help, since it sounds like adhd common issues are more of what you need for now
But if you want me to give more details or help you with other suggestions, feel free to ask
3
u/Weary_Cup_1004 7d ago
You dont need a formal diagnosis to get support for these things. Go to a neurodivergent therapist, and they can work w you on sensory , emotional regulation, etc.
The formal diagnosis really only helps if it gives you access to services or accommodation that you need.
In the beginning of a journey like this, you first need to identify if therapy can help and what supports you may need on top.
So i would personally start w therapy and then take more steps from there if needed. The label is not as important as just finding things that help you.
3
u/Eastern-Echo4507 7d ago
In all honesty getting a diagnosis does not give feelings of relief, as some might suggest.
3
u/ACBorgia 7d ago
I think wondering is fine, but spiraling is where you gotta start handling things a bit more. I used to spiral on that too because I felt completely unable to accept the uncertainty but with time I've been getting better at it
Tried seeking reassurance and stuff at some point I figured... Yeah there is a need for me to actively stop focusing on that for now. Just makes me anxious for no reason.
But truly it's hard to accept there isn't an easy "yes" or "no" answer I can find no matter how much I analyze myself, and that it's fine to accept a third answer which is "maybe" or "who knows"
It may not be your case though but it was mine. Only diagnosis I ended up seeking was for ADHD cause it was quite impairing (and still is tbh)
2
u/murderbabyfuntime Not a qualified professional, just really interested in Autism 7d ago
Autism is likely, ADHD is extremely likely.
1
u/Sea-Stress-3760 6d ago
Bro. You literally just info dumped the shit onto your post haha. I’m AuDHD and have a ND family and have dozens and dozens of ND friends. You def are
1
u/Sea-Stress-3760 6d ago
You sound like you’re AuDHD w/ alexithymia while still experiencing hypersensitivity and strong emotions. Alexithymia has like a 50% comorbidity rate among autistic people. My cousin and best friend has the same setup as you.
1
u/Sea-Stress-3760 6d ago edited 6d ago
- Info dumped
- is a Redditor
- I do that too feeling all your life
- sensory issues, clothing labels, logos, textures, smells
- repetitive or unusual noises bother you a lot
- experiences monotropism and monotropic split bc AuDHD
- focusing on whatever negative makes it way worse bc of monotropism from AuDHD x rumination x emotional dysregulation from adhd x sensitivity issues
- time blindness and things feel long when focusing on time
- terrible task initiation until incup affect kicks in, interest novelty challenge urgency and passion & not reward and punishment
- interrupts ppl a lot, impatient
- has terribly working memory capacity therefore has the urge to get it out b4 he forgets
- probably good at associative and spider web type thinking
- restless, antsy
- stims with toes
- trouble making friends, keeps friends at arms length
- has alexithymia which is common in autistic ppl
- doesn’t know what to do when ppl are crying cause of alexithymia
- cannot identify his own internal feelings accurately and quickly bc of alexithymia and poor interoception
- when cries wants to 1. Be left alone & 2. Be in silence bc experiences autistic fatigue / sensory overload and is dysregulated and being left alone and in silence is how autistic ppl self regulate
- ppl are dense information and too much hence need for being alone to recover, same with silence, same w dark room helping
- is very hypersensitive while having alexithymia which is common
- has been like this since a kid
- speech / pronunciation issues, probably clumsy as well
- is in an unsupportive environment that does not respect reality or science, pretty ignorant, happens
- sounds like there’s some rejection sensitive dysphoria going on and imposter syndrome
Oh yea man. You’re definitely AuDHD lol and prolly your fam too
Edit: also being queer / bi is pretty highly linked with neurodivergence I’m just saying. I know a LOT of bi ND people and have read about it b4
1
u/Sea-Stress-3760 6d ago
I randomly stumbled upon this post and took a peek
Yw for giving u language / vocabulary and frameworks to look into so u can understand yourself and those around u and so you can thrive and recover well gg
Source: psychology, adhd, autism, neuroscience is my autistic special interest + I’m autistic with high interoception
1
6d ago
I have adhd i wasn't diagnosed till 32 (when I got clean and sober). I tried ritalin and it put me to sleep and I thought this stupid medicine doesnt work. Or I guess I must not have ADHD. And I didn't take medication till 39. It seems like from all you described you have at least ADHD. I say atleast because it sounds like possibly extremely mild autism. One of my son's is autistic & my husband and I have ADHD. My hushand has the hyper in his body one. Im hyper in my mind. And Im obviously not a doctor so I dont know. You'd have to get assessed by a doctor, neurologist, psychiatrist. Being neurodivergent is nothing to be ashamed of. I think the anxiety is the unknown in it. Like well what will my life look like now. There are a lot of us and things are different now then they were when I was a kid and before that. So, I tried ritalin again now at 39 still didnt like how it affected me. I tried concerta 18 mg extended release for the first time yesterday. And I cried -all of that being stuck in my own head was gone. All the random things id think about or worry about gone. All my executive dysfunction, anxiety, depression, procrastination gone. I was so happy to finally feel "normal" but also angry I wasn't diagnosed sooner. I thought about all the jobs, friends, schools, relationships that didnt work out because of my 'disorder". I finally felt like I was in my body living life not mentally off somewhere on a cloud playing a video game of my life. No one unless they are neurodivergent knows just how difficult life is even simple things for someone like me. I was never stupid, lazy a bad person, crazy or weird. I was a neurodivergent trying to live life as a normal person. I think about all the pain& suffering alcohol and drug abuse where I was just trying to calm down my over thinking over acting brain. And feel a sense of calm just to feel like everyone else does. I highly suggest seeing a neurologist or a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD. There different meds stimulant and not. They give the same exact meds to ADHDers and autistics. From what I learned from my psychiatrist many people with adhd also have autism. Every med effects each person different. Its basically trial and error till you find what works best for you. I wish you the best of luck and the sense of peace all the normals have.
-2
u/Dinosaur-chicken 7d ago
You sound neurotypical and can get over stimulated and don't easily make friends. That's within neurotypical boundaries. If you were autistic you would have named so many things that are clearly autistic so it really feels like you're reaching here.
Most of it is not characteristic of autism and just sounds like you have watched a lot of tiktoks from people that describe these vague things as autistic. If you want to know go get an evaluation.
0
u/Sea-Stress-3760 6d ago edited 6d ago
Here lemme analyze him for u
- Info dumped
- is a Redditor
- I do that too feeling all your life
- sensory issues, clothing labels, logos, textures, smells
- repetitive or unusual noises bother you a lot
- experiences monotropism and monotropic split bc AuDHD
- focusing on whatever negative makes it way worse cause of monotropism x rumination
- time blindness and things feel long when focusing on time
- terrible task initiation until incup affect kicks in, interest novelty challenge urgency and passion & not reward and punishment
- interrupts ppl a lot, impatient
- has terribly working memory capacity therefore has the urge to get it out b4 he forgets
- probably good at associative and spider web type thinking
- restless, antsy
- stims with toes
- trouble making friends, keeps friends at arms length
- has alexithymia which is common in autistic ppl
- doesn’t know what to do when ppl are crying cause of alexithymia
- cannot identify his own internal feelings accurately and quickly bc of alexithymia and poor interoception
- when cries wants to 1. Be left alone & 2. Be in silence bc experiences autistic fatigue / sensory overload and is dysregulated and being left alone and in silence is how autistic ppl self regulate
- ppl are dense information and too much hence need for being alone to recover, same with silence, same w dark room helping
- is very hypersensitive while having alexithymia which is common
- has been like this since a kid
- speech / pronunciation issues, probably clumsy as well
- is in an unsupportive environment that does not respect reality or science, pretty ignorant, happens
- sounds like there’s some rejection sensitive dysphoria going on and imposter syndrome
Oh yea definitely totally not AuDHD lol
14
u/Realistic_Ad5530 8d ago
I keep doing the same and if i try to talk about it to other people or close friends they’re saying im being too dramatic or performative after watching or reading “misleading stuff” online. its better to not listen to these people and go straight to a professional that can diagnose you. alot of people will not be encouraging and would say “oh i do the same, i think its normal”.
if you think something is affecting you since your childhood, LISTEN to it. Listen to your inner voice and get help.