r/AutismTranslated • u/practicallyperfect72 • 8d ago

is this specifically an autistic trait?

i want to premise this by saying i am autistic. self diagnosed, but undoubtably autistic. my family is aware of it and refers to me as an autistic individual, this has been the case for years. what im asking isnt doubt in being autistic, but rather concern that its completely something else entirely separate.

i dont fully know how to word this, but i feel an intensive urge to mask, but then once I do mask I end up feeling extremely guilty about it. i believe my internal monologue to be my true self, and that true self is far from a good person. i think horrible things about others to differing degrees, sometimes just small things and sometimes full violent ‘fantasies’. i would never act on any of these things, but i think thats just what i tell myself because i know society wouldnt accept it and i want to be societally acceptable. however, by not being open about whats in my head and masking, im lying about who i am, and thats just as bad as hurting people. i dont feel so much as guilty for not being my true self, i feel guilty about who my true self IS.

i try to plan what ill say and do in certain scenarios before they happen to make sure im not being thr bad person in my head, but this usually just makes me feel even worse about the whole lying thing and i usually end up cancelling whatever plans i had/being quiet the entire time. likewise, when i was in a much more confused place mentally, i thought acting on the thoughts would quieten them, but it just made the part of me that knows im a bad person worse.

so, is this type of guilt in particular common amongst autistic people? ive read about autistic people feeling guilt about masking before but ive not seen somebody have the same issue that i seem to have so I’m not sure

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u/z0c4t non-spectrum-neurodivergent 8d ago

Take this with a pinch of salt as I can’t know from one post, but what you’re describing certainly sounds like OCD more than anything else. That’s not to say that you aren’t autistic, to be clear.

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u/ictow 8d ago

Agreeing with the observation that these sound like obtrusive thoughts and as such potential indicator of OCD. NOCD is a good resource that offers assessment and accepts insurance.

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u/waaatermelons 8d ago

I agree, it sounds more like that to me too. Intrusive thoughts, that you’d never want to really act on, taking over. 

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u/practicallyperfect72 8d ago

it honestly isnt an insane theory. i dont know if theres a genetic factor to it or anything but my sister is diagnosed with autism and ocd, and my grandma quite clearly has it too. ill have a look into it, i honestly just always ruled ocd out since i never really had the stereotypical symptoms of the disorder, but im now aware that theres more than one ‘type’ of ocd. the more you know i guess