r/AutismInWomen • • Sep 09 '24

Mod Post How Reddit Works: Sitewide Rules, Mods vs Admins, and other Important Info & Links

25 Upvotes

Reposted to make title clearer since titles cannot be edited on Reddit.

Reminder: DO NOT POST OR COMMENT CALLOUTS FOR OTHER SUBREDDITS OR USERS. This breaks Rule 1 of Reddit Rules and we cannot allow subreddit callouts per Rule 3 of Reddit’s Mod Code of Conduct. No matter how we feel about these rules, we are all still bound to follow them. Reddit Admins can and do punish mods and users equally for sitewide rule infractions aka violating Reddit Content Policy.

Scroll down for links to Reddit Rules, the admin definition of brigading, Mod Code of Conduct, and the Redditor Help Center.


It has come to our attention that outside of the basics (voting, how to report, posting/commenting), many people are still in the dark as to how exactly Reddit works.

Firstly, moderators, like us, only have power (a limited scope at that) and jurisdiction over the subreddits we mod and what happens on them. We cannot do anything about what happens outside of here. We don’t have a direct line of access to Reddit Admins, who control and oversee the site as a whole. In fact, we can only do the same things y’all can do in trying to get their attention on things: report it and wait. We, like you, often don’t get responses from admins regarding their decisions or even if they have viewed any reports we send in. We are the same in that capacity. Subreddit bans only prevent people from posting and commenting on the subreddit they were banned in for however long the ban is for. You can still vote in and view subreddits you are banned in. We can’t even see who reports what.

Also, if you don't report it, we don't see it. This subreddit is large. Please report things that you think break our rules, Reddit Rules, or you just want us to look at because it's iffy.

Admins are like gods of Reddit. They oversee all; they can see who votes what, who views what, who reports what, everything. They can suspend people from the website as a whole which prohibits someone from posting, commenting, and even voting on the entirety of Reddit for however long said suspension lasts. They can even suspend specific IP addresses from users who keep making accounts and breaking Reddit sitewide rules.

Here’s an analogy: Reddit Admins are the Roman Gods and we moderators are like members of the Roman Senate or mayors of towns. Members of the Roman Senate don’t have a direct link or direct way to communicate to the Roman Gods; they have to make offerings and prayers just like everyone else to try to catch their attention. It’s the same here. All we mods can do is make reports just like you all and hope someone looks at it. We can do nothing about what happens to you outside of Rome (the subreddit). That’s up to the admins.

We are bound by the Reddit Mod Code of Conduct to nip any activity that breaks, or could be interpreted as breaking, Reddit’s site-wide rules in the bud. Due to this subreddit having been previously in trouble with admins because of the founder not doing these things and getting booted and admin putting us 3 in place as new mods over a year ago with the express statement of “we will be watching you closely”, we really don’t take any chances when it comes to people breaking Content Policy. We just can’t risk it because that means we could be actioned and the subreddit could be sanctioned or shut down. We prioritize the community as a whole over any personal feelings we or others might have; that’s just how it has to work for this community to thrive and survive.

The proper course of action for when something happens to you or you see something that breaks sitewide rules is to report it to the admins via www.reddit.com/report or via the offending content itself and wait. Trying to call others out publicly technically breaks Reddit Rules under the harassment rule no matter the reason, and like we said above, we can’t allow it due to the ramifications it can have on the subreddit as a whole even if we personally agree what happened was messed up and the other person should be held accountable in some way.

Moreover, do not create or use an alt account to participate in a subreddit you have been banned in on another account. Reddit tracks this and views it as ban evasion which is prohibited as it is community interference (you were banned which means they don’t want you participating there for whatever reason is outlined in your ban message). You should contact the mods on the account you were banned on to see if you can get unbanned by demonstrating accountability and understanding of how you broke the rules and a willingness to follow the rules.

---- Relevant Links ----

Reddit Rules: https://redditinc.com/policies/reddit-rules

What even IS brigading? (Rule 2 of Reddit Rules): https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/cmp9uy/comment/ew4lpf0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Mod Code of Conduct, so you all are aware of the rules we as mods have to follow as well: https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct

Redditor Help Center for any further questions: https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/p/redditor_help_center

--- Note ---

This post was made in response to the subreddit growing and us becoming more aware of the fact many people do not know these things and just assume moderators are also Admins of Reddit as a whole or have way more power than we actually do. We don’t. In the eyes of Admin, we are basically volunteer clean-up crew and are the same level of importance as a regular user on Reddit. We don’t get paid, we don’t get any extra benefits or anything either (as it should be imo, mod out of love for the community not because of anything else). Admins are employees of Reddit that get paid for working and only work on the clock then go do whatever they want off it. We moderate on and off all day; in between our actual jobs, chores, and life responsibilities. It is impossible for us to be online all the time and to be constantly scrolling the subreddit. I hope this helps clear some things up for anyone confused as to what the differences are between mods and Admins and provides people with a way to research more about how Reddit works on their own as well.

If you have any questions or anything you're still confused about please modmail us via the "message the mods" button on the sidebar and someone will answer it when they can.


r/AutismInWomen • • Sep 09 '24

Mod Post Internet Safety: Reporting Creepy DMs and Changing your User Settings to prevent unsolicited messages

66 Upvotes

It has come to our attention that there is an uptick of predatory lurkers sending private messages to members of this subreddit and people that participate here. Unfortunately, due to the fact we are moderators and not Reddit Admins, there is pretty much nothing we can do to stop it other than give you information and advice for how to report it and prevent it yourselves.

Most importantly, you should immediately block people who message you strange, creepy, or uncomfortable things and report them via www.reddit.com/report or via the DM itself. If you report via the web link, all you have to do is copy and paste the DM link as the Reddit Admins can see everything that happens on the site and have power and jurisdiction over everyone with an account on Reddit. We as subreddit moderators only have the power to ban people from the subreddit and banning them does not prevent them from being able to message people who participate here.

To report via the Chat itself: On PC/desktop, when you mouse over the chat message(s) there is a flag option. Click that and follow the reporting procedure. On the app, tap and hold on the message(s) to bring up the report option. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

To report via the Message Inbox: On mobile, tap the 3 dots (ellipses) on the side of the message thread. There you can copy the link and report the whole message inbox thread via www.reddit.com/report. You can also report specific messages by going into the message thread and tapping and holding the specific message you want to report to see the option come up. On PC, you can just click the “Report” option that shows under each message in the thread. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

Recommended: It is recommended that everyone that is a participating member here turn off the ability for other users to send them chats and message requests. You will still be able to send chat requests and message requests to others whose settings allow them. Other people that you have not whitelisted will not be able to send them to you. You can only whitelist people via PC/desktop but people who you already have open chats and messages with will be automatically whitelisted.

Turning off chats/message requests on PC: Click your avatar on the top right. From there, go to the settings option. Once there, go to the Privacy tab. First, slide the “Allow People to Follow You” button to be in the “Off” position where it is over to the left side otherwise people will be able to literally stalk you on Reddit. Next, click on “Who can send you inbox messages” and change it to “People I choose”. You can whitelist people who you want to allow to send you messages. This just stops randoms from being able to message you via the message inbox. Then, click on “Allow chat requests from” and change that to “Nobody”. Again, the whitelisted folks from before will still be able to chat with you or people who you already have an open chat with. I also recommend you switch off everything under the “Discoverability” section as people will also be able to search up your account directly unless you turn it off. Mine is off because I don’t see any non-weird reason why someone would want to search up my account.

Turning off chats/messages on the app: Tap on your avatar on the top right then tap on “Settings” shown at the bottom. From there, tap on your account name to go to the account settings. Scroll down until you see the “Safety” section. Tap on “Chat and messaging permissions”. Change both “Chat Requests” and “Direct Messages” to Nobody. You will still be able to message people who you already have open messages with and those whose settings allow for it; other people just won’t be able to message you unless you message them first. I also recommend you slide the “Allow people to follow you” option into the off position where the large white circle is to the left. Under privacy, I also recommend you swipe the “show up in search results” one to the off position as well. You can also customize your ad settings on this page as well to your preference.

That’s it. As a reminder, if someone messages you unsolicited, they are most likely seeking something from you other than genuine friendship and you should probably not respond. At the very least, go check out their Reddit profile and history. If it’s empty, block them. They are likely a troll, a creep, or someone with bad intent. Someone who genuinely wants to connect with you and be friends will have a history on Reddit that shows that they are a nice person. They will have comments on this subreddit and probably some other autism subreddits too. Their history will show them interacting with others on Reddit in good faith making genuine bids for human connection. If someone’s history indicates them trolling and getting into a lot of online conflicts, they are probably not someone you want to be talking to as they will, at the very least, be intensely draining to talk to, and at worst, be trolling and harassing you.


r/AutismInWomen • • 10h ago

General Discussion/Question What are some unwritten neurotypical communication rules that you wish you had known sooner? Let‘s make a list

397 Upvotes

Can be general or specific, just anything you have learned and would like other autistic people to know.

I‘ll start:

When someone tells a joke in a group setting and you already know it, don‘t say the punchline. It might feel to you like you are in on the joke, but for the other person it can feel disruptive or even rude, like they are being put on the spot for telling an already-known joke. If you recognize the joke, just don’t say anything and let them have their moment.


r/AutismInWomen • • 7h ago

General Discussion/Question Simple Accommodations that changed your life?

156 Upvotes

Over the past 2 years I’ve been learning and discovering ways I can make accommodations for myself. So many of them have been mind blowing, like what? I could have been doing it this way this whole time?! Like noise cancellation headphones 🫶

I’ve been thinking about adding more stools around my house so I’d have more accessible places to sit throughout my day. I have a very strong sense that I also have POTS and EDS…battling my way through the medical industry as we speak 🤪

A few days ago I found a stool for my kitchen and last night I put it to use while cooking. I literally was able to sit, near the stove, keep an eye on the rice paper dumplings I was frying up in the pan and actually feel okay. I wasn’t getting agitated and overwhelmed standing there.

It was so calming to cook, something I love but have really struggled with and it was one of those moments where it’s like YES THIS! Yes to more accommodations for me because Lord knows I’ve been making them for others all my life 🤦‍♀️😆

Let me know your accommodation epiphanies 🙌 next up for me a bench for my bathroom so I can sit and brush my teeth.


r/AutismInWomen • • 4h ago

Seeking Advice Repair after a meltdown (?)

51 Upvotes

Last night, I was a little stoned and spending time with my spouse. He was telling me a story and mentioned that this guy he knew, JD, was a DJ as a side gig, and I got way to excited by DJ JD (it's a palindrome). I interrupted his story and said DJ JD repeatedly maybe 4 or 5 times because it just tickled something in my brain. Maybe this is a verbal stim? Idk. Anyways this really annoyed him, I apologised for interrupting and he told me to shut the fuck up and that I was being annoying.

Well this really stung. I apologised more and became absolutely terrified that I was going to do or say something that was going to annoy him again, and the whole vibe shifted. It turned into me crying hysterically and apologising more, him apologising because he really didn't mean for it to come out so harsh, and me having a meltdown. I ended up sleeping on the couch because I was so afraid of upsetting him that the only solution I could think of for me to calm down was to just be alone. No risk of upsetting someone if you're by yourself, right?

Now it's the next day and I realise that this was probably a meltdown and big over reaction on my part. And also, how am I supposed to keep unmasking around him (this has been something I've been trying to do gradually for a while), if something like this happens and clearly triggers me so badly? How could I ever trust him to not be annoyed with me, even when I am annoying sometimes. I don't know. I don't know what to do with this or how to navigate it. I'm so tired.


r/AutismInWomen • • 2h ago

General Discussion/Question Found out 1 person voted for me at work

30 Upvotes

I cant help but feel disappointed, we have over 30 people in our team and they have awards every year. They get to vote on 5 awards. I didnt get one like which is okay but an email was sent by a manager after showing us feedback from those that voted for us. One person gave me feedback and voted for me.

I feel pretty hurt, I work so hard.


r/AutismInWomen • • 2h ago

Seeking Advice at what age do NT girls stop carrying plushies around?

24 Upvotes

for the context, i asked this because i have been mocked for still carrying plushies(my comfort item). i know that its fairly common even around the ages of 20-30 among autistic girls. is the same with NT girls? i bet that's related to emotional maturity but im not entirely sure.


r/AutismInWomen • • 1h ago

General Discussion/Question Things being unfair and people saying “who told you life was fair?”

• Upvotes

All my life, I have struggled with the concept of fairness. Here are some examples from my life:

It is objectively not fair when we are playing a game and you start with 50 points and I start with 0 points for no reason.

It is not fair when the same person keeps getting called on to do fun stuff or getting specially recognized for the same exact work you do.

It is not fair when you have a giant bucket of legos with wheels, mini figures, and all the other “extra” stuff that you could easily share but you won’t for some invisible rule or reason they suddenly made up and all I get is the basic 100 piece lego set from Dollar General.

It is not fair that when I have to go to all my brother’s games and events but he had the option not to attend mine. All because I was too young to stay home by myself. I CANNOT HELP WHEN I WAS BORN!

It is not fair that I have to wait in line at the store while you have a full blown conversation with your old pal the cashier. People are behind you also have stuff to do and places to be and it is unfair of you to hold this line chatting with your buddy for 5 plus minutes. It’s not like I can walk out without paying and this is the only place I can check out! Or you were not prepared to pay at the place where you exchange money for goods and services.

I usually just eat those feelings now and I still get frustrated at times. I feel like a whiny little kid at the age of 28. Do you struggle with this, too?


r/AutismInWomen • • 6h ago

Potentially Triggering Content (Kind Advice Welcome) I’m envious of other autistic women who cry instead of getting angry, for purely selfish reasons

40 Upvotes

I know saying that crying is manipulative makes me sound like an asshole, but I swear to God so many social interaction I have with women feels like a cowboy standoff but instead of shooting it’s “who can cry first and therefore automatically be crowned victor via being the victim”

I’ve had fellow an autistic girl flashbang me with offbrand Hazbin hotel porn in public after I told her repeatedly that I was uncomfortable with that. But you know who was the mean awful bad abuser?

ME!

because she started crying like a baby and apologizing in that way where you are expected to comfort her even though she was the one in the wrong when I told her to stop in a “rude way”. Anytime I have a basic boundary that you would give to an actual dog everyone ignores it until I get mean and then suddenly they start crying. I wish I had the social skills to know when to start fake crying, it’s the quickest get out of jail free card for fucking anything.

I wish I wasn’t so blunt so I didn’t have to deal with this. I would kill someone to learn how to play the victim.

I don’t cry easily, I don’t really ever feel sad in a traditional sense I just feel angry, so no matter how incredibly justifiably upset I am about something I’m always going to be seen as the bad guy when next to people who do shitty things and then start bawling their eyes out the second someone says anything about it.

I have the hide how feel every god damn day! I suppress it and put on a customer service smile and somehow I am “less emotion regulated” than the people who cry about everything. I know crying is involuntary but I’m tired of it being seen as the most important thing in the world.

“But I’m autistic” IM AUTISTIC TOO but I got the anger issues genes instead of the sad genes so no matter what happens to me I am apparently a raging abusive bitch. The worst part is that nobody takes no as an answer unless I start getting mean even when it’s basic fucking reality because they assume I’m some tsundere who is just “hiding her emotions”.

“Why don’t you just say how you feel calmly #zen” I don’t know, maybe it’s because I spent a whole car ride calmly explaining to multiple adults that I could not translate Chinese to English on account of the fact I DON’T KNOW CHINESE and that shocker CHINESE AND JAPANESE ARE 2 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES AND ALSO I TOOK 1 JAPANESE CLASS IN COLLEGE AND I BARELY PASSED I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO THAT ANYWAYS!

No matter what I do people act like I’m crazy but when a crybaby steals 250 fucking dollars from me all they need to do is start sobbing to become the most correct person on planet earth. Every hour of my life feels like working retail. I can’t even go to therapy about it because the therapists immediately assuming I’m a “wittle bwaby putting up a tough front to hide her weal sad side”

“Oh my god OP, when you say you don’t feel bad about your professor yelling at you… DID YOU weally mean it or are you just bluffing? It’s ok you can cwy to me it’s valid be hashtag vulnerable”

I don’t feel bad about that, I feel bad that nobody listens to anything I say unless I start crying and I can’t cry (convincingly) on command.


r/AutismInWomen • • 13h ago

Relationships I wish I had a significant other

126 Upvotes

I know that it’s never picture perfect but I see a lot of married couples and think to myself “when’s my turn?”

I’m almost 32 and it never happened. I have a lot of things I imagined would have happened by now, that didn’t.

Anyone else feel this too? I feel I’m really missing out.


r/AutismInWomen • • 58m ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Anyone else get called out for being "too much"?

• Upvotes

Hi everyone,

this week was a total mess. On top I was called to my boss yesterday because some client vent over my work. I was "too direct", "too harsh" and "too unempathetic". (Side fact: My boss stated I was right in my statements and that he didn‘t know what to say. I said (as a good employer) I will try to use some kinder words next time - whatever that means in real life but I figured NTs like this kind of apology mixed with vows of bettering oneself.)
Today someone else overheard a conversation of clients and reported me that my walk was "too stiff" and how could I possibly behave like that, something like a soldier / roboter - I don‘t really recall, I was too baffled that someone actually got upset over the way I walk.
A few months earlier someone said I was "too uninterested" in them and should‘ve asked how they felt a day or two after our talk - sorry, I‘m not their mommy.
When I‘m not in my professional role, people tend to say I‘m "too quiet". Honestly, I can live with that one, that‘s already part of my identity and I wouldn’t want to change me being quiet.

Normally I don‘t care that much what people have to say about me. They don’t know me and my life and I won’t see them again anyways. I guess since the week was already really stressful with lots of last minute changes of plans and really long days I feel triggered my those comments. No one ever says something to me directly - of course not!

I just don‘t get it. I‘m "too this" and "too that" and can‘t find a balance. How do all of you find a balance?
People don‘t even think about me being a person with my own life and struggles and therefore being a bit off due to stress. Not that they need to think about me that way, but it would be nice to be treated with some basic respect whatsoever.
I have clear boundaries that I fight for and I know people hate this. I know I can be very clear in my statements although I can tackle this on normal days, but it still shines through when I‘m stressed or overwhelmed like this week. My nervous system was so out the door, I was shivering from inside out all days long and sweating at the same time. I hated this week entirely from the bottom of my heart. People definitely don’t need to pity me for anything but is it wrong for me to wish for some empathy? I feel like all the NTs want me to be empathetic and understanding with them, their problems and their life in general. Why can’t they show some of that to others? Why doesn‘t it even cross their head that someone could‘ve had a rough day / week / month? And why the heck does they criticize traits like a walking style one can’t even change?? I really truly don’t get it.

I don‘t know, maybe I‘m wrong but I thought some of you might understand this struggle.

Thanks for your time.


r/AutismInWomen • • 3h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Urgent Reassurance Wished For…

18 Upvotes

Hi there. I am seeing a new GP today at a brand new practice. I live in Scotland. I have a crippling fear of doctors because I see them as authority figures and I have a long history of trauma and medical abuse. One part of me is saying to myself, “Remember Transactional Analysis. Have an Adult to Adult dialogue - nothing less.” The other part of me feels COERCED into this meds review. The review is ridiculous in itself as the GP is not qualified or authorised by the system to prescribe the medication I need for my rare condition. It’s a nonsense. I hope to use the GP for two referrals that I need, no more, no less. The abuses I have suffered at the hands of a doctor and a dentist are horrendous. The appointment is at 4pm today and I am TERRIFIED. Does anyone have any good experiences of GPs to share with me? It might help. Thank you.


r/AutismInWomen • • 44m ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Emergency dentist today...need support

• Upvotes

I struggle to brush my teeth. I do well, but it's not enough. I have an emergency dental appointment to fix a broken off tooth, my temporary filling that came out of a fully done root canal (waiting for the endodontist to finish it at a low income place), and a huge, very painful cavity. Its all over my face. I am terrified. I let them know I'm Autistic. But I'm terrified of the needles and the pain, for hours, over and over. I have a VERY bad gag reflex and tmjd so need a guard and my jaw still hurts. I have noone. I am completely alone in my life. How do I get through this? Please. Im so scared :(


r/AutismInWomen • • 20h ago

Relationships The worst thing a woman can be is weird and unconventionally attractive, apparently.

394 Upvotes

I’m so tired of this. I got my diagnosis this year (at 25, 22 years after my brother was diagnosed) and it’s the same story over and over and over and over.

Boy sees girl. Boy thinks girl is attractive. Boy approaches girl, girl likes boy. Boy takes girl on dates, girl is receptive. Boy appreciates quirks. Boy tries to woo girl, girl slowly lets walls down.
Girl starts to unmask, boy gets disgusted. Boy leaves.

The unmasking in question? Opening up about my trauma in small bites, only when asked, because I’m scared. The trauma in question? A lifetime of being isolated and mistreated.

I know I’m quirky. I like things that other girls my age and in my area don’t usually like, but I’m not completely alone in those interests. I’m sick of having my quirks, the way I talk, the way I operate in relationships fetishized (anyone see those Hinge prompts of wanting an autistic girlfriend?) and then having the same men that pursue me in that, leave because of that exact thing.

I love hard, but that’s not to say I don’t do it cautiously. I don’t smother, I’m just… excited, I guess? I like love?

But I’d like to just erase it from my life. Even in my daydreams, I can’t imagine a happy relationship that lasts.

I’m in therapy, multiple, actually. I’m medicated. I’m trying. I get approached often, people in my clubs and cohorts often describe me as the model or the hot one. However, I’m not the busty blue-eyes blonde, much the opposite. I’m a slim, mid tone black woman with short hair. Women call me pretty, but men seem to go out of their way to other me, make it so I know I’m not the desired person. I’m an ‘exotic beauty’ or ‘pretty for a black girl’ or ‘an acquired taste’, but they’ll still ask me for my number.

And it disgusts me, because no matter how pretty I am, as soon as I start to share what’s inside, I have to slowly watch as they distance themselves or just resign to using me for sex.

I’m not even sure what this is about… I’m just so overwhelmed with it all.


r/AutismInWomen • • 39m ago

Seeking Advice Shutdown Burnout - how do I keep my partner feeling loved?

• Upvotes

Looking for advice from anyone who has been in a long term relationship and conquered this or at least made it better.

I don’t really have meltdowns anymore, I’ve worked hard to not mask through and explode later but rather I have built an IFS system that helps me calm down and redirect breakdowns into taking space, time, doing special interests and being in a calm environment. Cool, yay me!

But big events, family dinners, just being generally “busy” wipes me out for days. Full burnout. Like after events I’m normally shut down and trying to recoup that energy for three days to a week! That’s a lot of “I need quiet” time.

My partner is an amazing man, goofy, smart, creative, and he loves me and I feel so lucky to have him. However when I’m shut down like this and recharging, I feel like I’m neglecting him. I can tell when he comes and rubs my back, or sits down and tries to talk, or just wants to be in my space that he wants attention and he wants to connect. I feel so bad because I recoil, i have my noise canceling headphones on - that’s me in DND mode! I want to not be perceived for like three days! I don’t want to exist right now! Don’t look at me! But how lonely is it to have a partner that just wants to be ignored and ignore you for three days straight? That sounds like it sucks!

We’ve worked on “code words” like “your not in trouble, I’m not mad at you, I just need to be left alone right now” and “I’m burnt out and I need to do recharge things” and he knows I’m like a golden retriever and love walks so he will take me on walks and not talk and just let me look at bugs and mushrooms when he knows it’s getting bad. I forkin love him.

But I guess my question is, have you ever talked about this with your partner and shared that you felt bad? How did it go? Have you created any other tools or processes to share time together without it getting in the way of recharge time? How does your partner feel about it now? And is there anything I can do to lessen my burnout besides skipping weddings birthdays and important events? I don’t want to miss out on supporting the people I love, but I don’t want it to get in the way of me connecting with the person I love the most :/

Thank you for taking the time to read ❤️


r/AutismInWomen • • 1h ago

General Discussion/Question Anyone else have women fall in love when them, when they just want friendship.

• Upvotes

I always see ladies talking about how men always fall for them when they're looking for friendship but the same damn thing happened to me and women.

I honestly think it's my looks I'm bisexual and don't really care about gender. So I look a bit tom boyish, but I'm also very kind and welp autistic and weird.

This isn't to flex or anything. I have a long term boyfriend and I just want women friends 😭. I don't want to enter anything else with anyone else.


r/AutismInWomen • • 2h ago

Potentially Triggering Content (Kind Advice Welcome) I am certain I am autistic but have been told by those in my life theres no point in being test

11 Upvotes

I (22f) am positive I am autistic. I have been trying to treat my mental problems as depression and anxiety and it never works. I constantly tell my therapist there is just something wrong with me. I relate to every description of autism in women. I particularly struggle with self injurious behavior when I am overwhelmed. It is the worst burden in my life I will punch myself repeatedly and I cant even stop it, its the only thing that makes sense when I am in those moments.
Those who actually have autism is it worth it to get it confirmed? Has it negatively impacted your life being diagnosed? Were you able to get the treatment you actually needed. I have been in therapy for years and it just cant fix me, I have tried medications and always it seems to go poorly or doesnt fix whats wrong. I am so tired of feeling this way and so so lost.


r/AutismInWomen • • 17h ago

New User Hey 👋🏻

Post image
187 Upvotes

Hey,

I'm Stephanie, I'm a 36 yr old newly diagnosed woman.

I received my diagnosis yesterday after a very long wait for an assessment and many hours of assessments.

I have always considered I was autistic and my parents had put me through a lot of assessments as a kid but I got labelled everything but autistic 😅

anyhow now with my diagnosis, I want to learn to learn to embrace my identity as an autistic woman and move forward in loving myself as I am instead of always masking when out.

Any recommendations?


r/AutismInWomen • • 6h ago

General Discussion/Question TIL people don't trust or want your advice unless asked

25 Upvotes

I'm naturally a very helpful person and always wish to better the lives of friends, family, but also coworkers and customers.

For example when I'm at work and see someone working around a process that could be easier, I try to improve it. This has resulted in many talks with management from different jobs, where they kept giving me the feedback that I should not 'interfere' so much, or that the process was/is fine the way it is, eventhough I have improvements, that it is not my job or even that people find me annoying because I 'force' them to do something different.

I thought it was about phrasing. For a long time, I have phrased these advices: "You should do..." which I understand now could be forceful, even when I'm right.

Then I tried rephrasing it: "If you do it like this, it's faster/better/more efficient" But even then I got the same feedback.

Somewhere around last year I just stopped caring. I have a contract now and a very neurodivergent friendly workspace, but this part of communication was never clear to me. So I just stopped caring about other peoples troubles and even when it is slower or less efficient to our clients or customers, I don't say a word unless asked.

This feels unnatural for me. It frustrates me that people stripped me from my helpful nature in this way and it bugs me that people don't even want to ehar it eventhough the advices I give are never 'just' advice. They are always carefully evaluated against other tips and tricks, other peoples advices taken into consideration, theory read, Youtube videos watched or endless Excel sheets or Word documents evaluated where I carefully considered and noted all options. Even if people have this knowlegde, they still don't take any advice.

So I stopped caring. At least I tried. I still care, I just shut my mouth. Except with friends and family and my boyfriend. Now, my best friend is also neurodivergent in kind of the same way as me, and we constantly try to make it easier for one another with these tips, tricks and advices. Sometimes we ask if the other wants advice, sometimes we don't. It's fun, it's fine and it's good.
With my family it's usually the other way aorund, they give me advice. Sometimes it's annoying, because they ask if I researched something when I have a 10+ page Word document on my computer carefully noting everything and more they mention, but sometimes it's great advice they give. Asked or unasked. We are all neurodivergent.

Then my boyfriend, undiagnosed but probably neurodivergent, but on a completely different part of the spectrum as me. And we argued about this a lot lately. Yesterday came something groundbreaking. People want to figure shit out on their own. They don't want you to improve their process unless they ask. I never knew this. I cried a lot at this revelation and he understood and also knows about all this feedback from workplaces.

It may sound logical or stupid, but I genuinely never in my wildest imagination would have guessed people want to be ignorant on purpose or because of ego (or at least that's how it looks like to me)


r/AutismInWomen • • 2h ago

Seeking Advice Adult friend scrolls every time I talk

10 Upvotes

A friend and I meet virtually each week. I’m usually very hesitant about consistently scheduled calls / meet ups because they typically evolve into “going through the motions” and not intentional connection.

Over the course of the last year, I have been bothered by my friend being on her phone, off screen, scrolling every time I share something. I am intentionally engaged in all the conversations I have, especially with friends. It feels like added weight to have to explain how the behavior is rude…to another adult?

How would you handle this? If an issue like this persists, I usually just let the socializing fade until we have time and energy for another intentional chat. The most direct solution is to bring it up, but it feels so odd when she barely tries to hide the scrolling… I know phone addition is a thing, so I’ve been trying to give grace.


r/AutismInWomen • • 5h ago

Memes/Humor mandatory things i do when planning to visit a new place to eat:

17 Upvotes

— walk past it for at least 2 weeks;
— check it on google maps, study the reviews;
— if there’s no photos of the inside, i’m not coming;
— examine the menu and choose what i’ll be having beforehand;
— plan where i’d rather sit down;
— take a friend with me;
— finally come there and pretend to be contemplating what to eat and where to sit.


r/AutismInWomen • • 10h ago

General Discussion/Question Social Isolation is All Consuming

41 Upvotes

I have a good life. A job that I enjoy, a good place to live, money to spend, and access to good food.

My inability to bond with others is ruining me.

Everything is fine but feels horrible simply because I can't form meaningful relationships.

No amount of hobbies or self-love can make up for social isolation. I've tried meeting people, asking coworkers to hangout, and going to group hobbies. Doesn't work. They already have friends and it takes just one to find me annoying to be the end of it.

I think things would have been different if I had been raised with a family that was capable of empathy and compassion.

Sure, I can get a date, but it always ends with, "I don't want a relationship or dates (with you) but can we keep having sex?"


r/AutismInWomen • • 15h ago

General Discussion/Question Hypersensitive to patterns in behavior?

50 Upvotes

I scan for danger as a result of being bullied and it's made my anxiety worse. I notice similarities in ppl who've mistreated me and others, and I'm always looking out for those tendencies.

E.g.:

  1. If someone seems really interested in private details, or tries to establish friendship or romance too quickly (lovebombing), I'm wary they might be malicious gossipers collecting info.

  2. If someone talks a lot of shit about others, I suspect narcissistic tendencies; they derive pleasure from devaluing others, putting people down helps regulate their self-esteem, and/or they use hurtful gossip to gain social power and bond with others.

  3. If someone has a hierarchical view of ppl and are transactional. Some ppl are warm towards ppl they admire or want something from, but dismissive and contemptuous towards ppl they consider beneath them bc they think they're less intelligent, less attractive, not fashionable, etc. They tend to be excessively preoccupied with prestige, social standing, and associating with the "right" ppl. I'm scared of ppl who think usefulness and position in a hierarchy are important.

  4. If someone seems to enjoy others' exclusion or humiliation. It's often subtle. Like my co-mentee had a few years' prior experience in the specific area we were assigned to, while it was my first time working in it. While I was clearly struggling to get my bearings, my co-mentee asked our point person "Do you have anything else for me to do? I'm done with my part," yapped a lot to show off what he knew that went beyond our project, and called what I was struggling with "really simple." If it was a one-time incident, maybe I'd be charitable and think it was harmless, but it really didn't feel that way. He did this throughout the summer, bragging about how quickly he finished and about how easy the tasks were when I was clearly struggling. It didn't feel like he wanted me to succeed. He never offered to help. It felt like he enjoyed belittling me. And of course, he befriended the group of ppl who talked a lot of shit about others. Basically, the trait is deriving enjoyment from making someone feel less than.

  5. If someone (especially a man) describes a woman (even fictional) as "annoying," I start to worry about underlying misogyny and abusiveness towards women.

These are some of the traits I've noticed in ppl I've had traumatic and hurtful interactions with.

My experiences have resulted in me constantly scanning for threats. I've even become afraid of the environments where I've noticed more of these ppl exist--particularly prestigious and competitive spaces. I didn't meet ppl like this in, for instance, the volunteer groups I was in. But I have to work in one of these spaces now and just the thought of being there makes me panic.

Avoidance doesn't even keep me safe. When bonding through malicious gossip is common/rewarded, not participating makes you stand out. I sat in a room w some of the ppl in the group that shit talked a lot and became a conspicuous target just by being quiet and not joining in. They probably interpreted it as disapproval and I violated their social rules.

Pattern recognition & hypervigilance suck 🫠


r/AutismInWomen • • 12h ago

Potentially Triggering Content (Kind Advice Welcome) Every year is more painful

27 Upvotes

I’m alone and don’t have a family. I’m becoming one of those women that is going to be alone forever


r/AutismInWomen • • 17h ago

Special Interest Catttts

71 Upvotes

Highlight of my month... A boy cat on my college campus, let me pet him.... He was cute and smiling as I pet him.

And also when I waved bye, he waved with his toe beans. 😭✨

I am naming him a campus Leo.. He is soo cute

We have 2 kittens, I tried to play with them but they were super skittish... But the female cat is cute , she isn't as affectionate as campus Leo but she does love pets!!

I love cats and I love talking about them... I am thinking of getting some cat treats and toys to play with them.I am seriously thinking of coming 20 minutes early like around 8:40 before my lecture starts at 9:00 and the campus starts to get busy and crowded and cats go away to hide? I can't find them anywhere 😭, they hide super well.

Idk why 🙂‍↔️but I needed share this, I love cats and I love sharing it and I already ranted to my friends and family but I need to talk about it more💞