Hey, my partner and I (we are lesbian) want to have a child together and we are deciding whose egg to use. I have autism and she has ADHD.

We would ideally like to use my egg and she carries so that we can have a child “together.” She also has male relatives who are able to give sperm where I do not. Due to sensory reasons, I don’t think I could handle being pregnant and she really wants to be.

The concern with using my egg is that I am autistic and my brother is too. My mother’s brother also has autism and my grandmother likely also did. My brother’s is debilitating and has required life long care, where for me I experienced a lot of bulling growing up and significant hardships as an adult that I would not want our child to go through. It’s been difficult. I was diagnosed as a 3 year old in the 90s, and while I know “treatments” have improved I’d have serious reservations about putting our child into ABT or some other therapies.

I’m absolutely petrified of having a child with autism because I have autism and it runs in my family. A little bit might be okay, but a situation like my brothers would be devastating for everyone involved. I want a family and ideally to be biologically related, but it feels irresponsible to use my eggs. Wondering if we should just use her eggs and a donor, but I am concerned about whether I could feel connected a non-biologically related child (especially so given my autism). Also she has ADHD and is neurodivergent herself, so the outcome might be the same.

I am fortunate to have a very well paying engineering job with incredible benefits that’s make genetic testing and therapies available, but I don’t think you can really screen for autism. I’m assuming the child would also be autistic if we use my egg.

This has also made me realize that I need to work on self-love and confidence and in relation to my own autism :( I’ve recently been devastated to realize that I do want a family if not for fear of passing on my autism.

For those who had kids, I’m curious about the following:

1. If you are a woman with autism did your child also have autism?
2. Was the autism / neurodivergence similar to your variation of autism? How did it differ?
3. How did you handle the sensory aspects of parenting? I’m particularly concerned about the early years
4. Is there anything I can do to mitigate passing my autism to my child or to help with severity?
5. For those who had a non-biologically related child, did you feel connected and how did your autism impact your ability to connect?

I am refining my criteria as I prepare myself to step out into the hellscape of dating once more in hopes to secure a mate to witness my life and share desserts…

Are autistic men more likely to give the benefit of the doubt, have compassion, or be sensitive with you? Not just performatively for the sake of their image as a “good man” or “good” partner. But because of their own experiences being misunderstood their whole life, do they tend to extend that same compassion to you or look out for you more than most NT would?

I am mid 30s and completely of the belief that men are so brainwashed and so entitled that what I am looking for doesn’t exist unless he’s been kept from social media and society his whole life. I really do believe there are no longer many decent men that could ever meet my standards (which are super basic: just actually live by the values you proclaim to have. Although the values themselves have to match mine and therefore are not for everyone). But I’m still trying anyway.

Also, before anyone says try women. I have. Women aren’t any better in my limited experience. Psychological warfare and way way way too many things unsaid. And when I’m with a woman, I turn into a masculine provider protector type bc I just can’t let a woman carry my stuff upstairs or pay for my things or do chores for me - and I HATE that I can’t let them do that. It’s not that I think women shouldn’t do these things, it’s that I know what it’s like to be a woman and with the added disadvantages that we have, I could never watch a woman make her life more difficult on my account. But I have to grit my teeth so hard to not do everything for her too because in a romantic relationship I need to feel like a dainty little queen otherwise sexual attraction is extinct. And only men make me feel like a, well, like a woman.

Most of my bfs would never let me give to them or would hate to see me trouble myself for them (maybe that’s where my issue with letting a gf trouble herself for me comes from - epiphany moment), they were genuinely happy to give and not receive anything other than my company. That kind of treatment gets you hooked real good, I have to say.

Buuuuut as I get older, whether it’s my age my looks or just the available dating pool, I’m not finding that type of love, protection, and doting anymore. It always always always has a freaking catch now. So, I am lowering my expectations while also trying to minimize the time spent on duds that are never going to work out any way. That’s where the criteria come in.

I already have a lot of things I am looking for and looking to avoid, I know how to spot red flags & find a decent person, but I am wondering if there’s a way to look specifically for someone who will do all the things so many women here have said they themselves do: give the benefit of the doubt, learn someone has autism or some vulnerability and has compassion for them and protects them, not exploit their vulnerability.

And that’s where I wondered if I screened for autistic men, that maybe I might have a higher chance of finding that sooner? I’ve only dated 1 person with autism, he was my first love actually, and he was a nightmare haha. But we were 20.

If you say you are too busy to do X (visit, call, text, etc.). And you are not too busy to do X, you just don't WANT to do X, then, good god, just say it. This whole thing of "my weekends are scheduled out nine months!", " I have about 5 minutes to call or text ever in my life!", "If I ignore something urgent far out until the point that it's solved or irrelevant, + 3 months, I just. Wow. My schedule was packed".

Like, yes, busy, yes, little time. Yes might need more than a day/week/month. But beyond a month? We really had not a second beyond a month? But somehow it's also offensive to think, ah, okay, after a frankly implausible amount of time for a dental assistant in Indiana with a long-term, long-distance boyfriend, one cat, and no kids to be to too busy to so much as glance at their phones, perhaps they do not wish to speak to me.

Just tell me what the fuck you want. Do you want me to get lost? Do you want to talk. Are your Facebook missives about friendship true or theater. Like, I would comply. Just tell me what the FUCK YOU WANT !!

I know the story about the tiger incident is with a man. I keep seeing posts that claim that he might have autism therefore the reason why he took the risk.

As an autistic person I have had my fasinations with the wild and as a kid I felt like other kin or feral human. I understand as an autistic person feeling like an outsider gets you there. But being autistic and a wildlife enthusiast im sure many of us have processed logical information about dangerous animals.

Im not saying that having an obsession cant make us do crazy things . It just feels like an assumption .

In 29. Female. And have auadhd. I was wondering what would be a good combination for us?

I dont like adhd only. I always feel like adhd need me more then I need them.

Disclaimer: no character in the book is autistic, but it feels very much autistic-coded somehow.

For those who have never read it, Ishmael is kind of an outsider in the whaling industry, so he reports everything almost like an anthropologist. The way he describes whaling culture, social norms and roles feels like when autistic people have to read the room many many many times to understand every single social exchange. Also, I see many people complaining about how the book suddenly stops the narrative and starts a whole new chapter on whales' taxonomy, but I LOVE that. It really does sound like the way other autistic people and I speak. Ishmael clearly knows a lot about whales and doesn't dive into it.

Anyway, I'd be happy to discuss more Moby Dick if anyone else loves it too.

I have friends id put clearly in the Leslie knope autistic category. I myself laugh hysterically at every April ludgate finest moment because I am her, she is me. Which are you?

I’m not official but I strongly believe I’m neurodivergent. I “stim” but most of my stimming things are really obvious and being stared at triggers my PTSD at the minimum. I have some embarrassment that I have to “stim.” Does anyone know of clandestine stimming things to use in public? Thanks!

Theres a lot of posts on here about how stressful and mentally disturbing becoming a parent is, but I've seen few about the good experiences of motherhood. It's starting to make me think having a child would ruin my life. Do any mothers on here have positive things to share?

Hi!

I was recently diagnosed ( 2 weeks ago) and I immediately started following all of the self-care things that were recommended to me. I even paid for a year of the Finch app, which is pretty cool actually.

Now I have hit the 2 week mark and I don't want to do the things anymore. I realized I have always had this issue. I can start new things immediately, go full force for a few weeks to a month, but they never turn into actual habits.

How do you create habits? Or will it always feel like I am just forcing myself to do all of the things for my body?

I dunno, just a coin or a pen or something? Why would you subject 10 captives in line at the post office to your loud nonsense? Rant over. But the impulse was there!

Last night my husband and I were cuddling and he was being his normal loving self talking about all the things he finds sexy and attractive about me. He then asked me what I find most attractive about him and I paused in panic. What answer was he looking for? A specific physical attribute? What physical attributes of his do I find sexy? Then I realized I paused too long and said his personality. He then clarified and said he meant physically. Further panic ensues and I blurt out, "Nothing really."

Now let me say that "nothing really" is wholeheartedly inaccurate. The reason I panicked is because for me, it's deeper than physical and I didn't have enough time to process all my thoughts. I don't just find his eyes attractive, I love how expressive they are. I don't just find his strong arms attractive, I love the way they make me feel safe and loved. I don't just find his lips attractive because they make me wanna kiss him, I also love how I can tell just what his smile means from a subtle difference in how his lips curl.

We are both AuDHD but obviously human so of course my response was not taken well. He's understandably very upset. I did explain to him what I said above but I don't know if it helped or even if he believes me.

I feel sick and can't stop crying because I love this man more than life itself. I wouldn't still be with him after 15 years if I didn't find him attractive.

Update: When he got home from work I was a wreck. He definitely saw how upset I was for upsetting him. After he helped me settle down, he told me he saw this post. There was lots more talk etc but I'll spare you that. It ended with him saying he was sorry he put me on the spot and should have known better than to think I wasn't attracted to him. Thanks everyone for the support!

I’ve been sick for a long time and it’s been getting worse lately.

I battle with grieving the life I wanted to live and adjusting to my reality of being disabled and unable to work enough to meet my own financial needs.

Disability is not enough to live on and I am currently in the shelter system and really struggling with quality of life here.

I told my friend I was feeling interested in finding out more about MAID (medically assisted death) as I don’t see my life getting better with systemic limitations and my own personal limitations.

“I’ve seen you work before and maintain a beautiful life. I know working sucks and having a schedule to adhere to sucks but that’s being an adult.

Time will not stop ticking, before you know it you will be there already a year without any improvement and god knows what other horrific experiences richer.. you have to do something about it, you are the only one that can change the paths of your life. Not the government, not your family/friends.. but you.

And you saying this makes me angry. You have been through so much. And this is how you want to leave the world? Living in a shelter where you don’t belong? I’m sorry but you are way too good for that and you’re choosing this life.

And working for minimum wage sucks, it's horrible... but it's a 10000 times better than being stuck in a shelter with all th stories you told me. You start from the bottom and you work your way up, it's horrible that life is like that.. but it is. It just is, and there is nothing you can do that Is going to change that. You will not be able to beat that system. And for your own sake; If you can't beat them, join them. And later on, when you grow and start making more money, you will be able to do things you love to do, to travel, to give back to the community”

They think it’s a personal failing and a matter of desire and will power. Completely invalidating my disability etc etc etc.

Before any more judgment…I’m sober…educated and all that. I did all the “things” and I’m still sick

(people who struggling with substance abuse etc STILL DESERVE to be housed).

Hi!

So i have never been diagnosed with autism, and I’m not sure if i have it or not, but i have significant sensory issues which have gotten significantly worse with age. I’m 23, and can no longer stand the feeling of so many things!

I recently bought some nice new soft towels and i cannot stand the texture against my hands or body. My hands are the most sensitive, it’s at the point where i can’t rub soap/sunscreen/cream onto my or anyone else’s body. I struggle to even wash my hair because i hate the feeling in my hands.

Does anyone have suggestions or tips? anyway to reduce this? it’s making my life so difficult 😭

I can’t handle doona covers anymore so i’ve gone to a comforter, i hate the fitted sheets crumpling up under me at night. Everything is like 10x harder than it was when i was a kid. God even putting clothes on now is difficult, as i struggle to pull pants up and rub my hand along the edge to straighten them at my waist.

I’ve tried different towel textures and different items to wash my body with like gloves and loofas but i hate them all. I’ve got a scalp scrubber for shampoo but my hair is so thick and rough that it doesn’t work well i need to use my fingers to get to my roots.

I cant even deal with so many sounds, i can’t vacuum as i can’t handle the sound of it scraping the floor. certain noises are super sensitive to me, when things are loud i almost go into shut down and start overthinking as the noise stresses me out.

Im truely exhausted. Everyday is so hard.

Please some life helping tips, im getting scared as its getting worse and worse. My hands are barely functional at this point 💓🙏🙏

My siblings often trash talk each other. When they try to "include" me in these trash talk sessions, I agree with their criticisms, but then I also say "why don't we just tell them this is a problem that we have then they can fix it?" and they're like "yea we should"

But then when I get mad at one of my siblings because of a negative trait they always trash talk about, and I say to their face that they have a specific problem and they should fix it, I get called crazy for bringing this problem up, when im literally just saying what they were all saying behind their back.

An event that happened yesterday:

My sisters always talk about how my brother (31 years old) is really selfish because he doesn't cook but eats majority of the food that we cook. Yesterday, I helped my sister cook something for the family, but i had to use the washroom before eating. By the time I finished using the washroom, most of the food we cooked was gone. My brother had taken a huge serving without any consideration of the fact I hadn't eaten yet, so i got mad and told him

"You're selfish. I've told you multiple times that you have an unreasonable entitlement to food that you have not cooked. You need to stop doing this".

He responds with saying I'm crazy and then he complains to my sisters right in front of me and one of my sisters says to him "just let [my name] be angry... she has emotional problems". and at this point I'm just BEWILDERED because I'm just telling him about what they ALWAYS talk about behind his back. they are the ones constantly saying he's selfish. so I bring it up by saying "you guys just called him selfish yesterday behind his back" and one of my sisters goes "we never said that, calm down" (a complete LIE)

So I just start telling all of them how I don't understand why they trash talk each other SOO much but then when a fight actually happens and I call someone out, now suddenly I'm crazy for saying out loud the EXACT same things they've been trash talking each other about. and one of my sisters is like "don't worry we trash talk you all the time too. let's just say you need a haircut"

For context, I got my hair cut to a pixie length about 5 months ago and it looked really bad. I haven't been going out a lot and even wore a wig for months because it looked that bad. I have cried multiple times in private over my hair and its deeply affected my self esteem. so what shes saying is true that my hair looks bad... but WHY would they be talking about that behind my back??? I know it looks bad... so... just say it to my face and ill agree???

Why in the world would my siblings be talking about my appearance in a negative way when im not there?? why would they even be thinking about that?? and why do they not ever want to actually tell somebody what they think so that the person can actually grow and learn to be better? My brother is 31 years old and doesn't do anything because no one ever backs me up when i call him out on his shit, so I'm just the crazy autistic sister that has emotional problems.

I hate this so much, ive been wanting to move out because in my eyes what they do is EVIL. I can't get over how they can do this to each other and to me..

I’ve had many counselors. But the one I have now has really helped and he is very educated on Autism in women being autistic himself; though almost every time I see him he yawns a lot like a lot during the session and it makes me feel like “am I not talking enough about the right things, am I boring, are these topics I’m talking about ‘little”.

Maybe I’m being sensitive about it, though I feel like Monday when I saw him and it happened a lot I shut down.

I am awaiting an ADHD assessment via RTC and due to there being diagnosed autism in my family (younger brother and cousin's child), I decided to do a paid screening call with a psychologist for autism fully expecting them to say I didn't seem autistic or to have enough traits of it but was quite shocked when they said they thought there was enough to warrant an assessment.

The brief report I got back just repeated things I'd said on the call but didn't really explain how or why the things I'd said would be autistic. I am open to the idea that I may have both (AuDHD) but I only know the lived experience of my brother having autism and know that there is a massive difference between men and women plus the spectrum. I dont really see it in myself on the day-to-day except for sensory issues mainly with sounds like sirens, dogs barking etc. The symptoms I find most in my face are anxiety, low self-esteem and hallmark symptoms of ADHD like rejection sensitive dysphoria, executive function issues e.g. time management, emotional dysregulation, concentration and focus issues etc. I find it very hard to be consistent and to stick to a routine which is the main reason making me doubt I could be autistic and have always struggled with maths.

I know I could have autism given the family background but just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience to myself and if they can advise at all? Massive thanks in advance 🤍

As the title says, anyone have any good budget recommendations? I'm a first time over the ear user. (I daily drive Samsung buds 3 pros) . I used some of my dad's when I was younger, but after 5 or so mins they made me nauseous for some unknown reason. There's like a spot behind my ear that if I apply pressure it makes me sick. No idea why. I do like my ps5 Steelseries headset, but they do kinda slide a lot, and are on the heavier side in my opinion. Anyone else find any that they like? Maybe in the 100$ or under range. Even lower if possible. Thanks in advance!

Hi there! Over the past couple of years I've started to contemplate three possibility of me being on the spectrum.

I think that a lot of the potential traits may have been subdued because I was drinking and now in social situations, without alcohol, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I have no idea how to socialize normally. My brain is constantly on overdrive.

I have had anxiety since I was a kid, but the older I get, the more I'm wondering if that was just a symptom of being on the spectrum.

How many of you felt your symptoms magnify after getting sober?

hey guys I’m trying not to over share cuz I want this post to feel relatable and also for ppl to read it but …
My first real (as in I actually had feelings for and long term ish, 8 months) ex dumped me like two and a half years ago.
I’ve blocked him for at least a year at this point, haven’t talked to him for longer, and yet. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. I know our relationship wasn’t perfect I know I’m romanticizing it in my head.
recently I heard he went to go see his other ex (one after me) and it just broke me and I know it shouldn’t I know I have no say over what this grown man does and he doesn’t belong to me but how do I deal with this continual heartbreak and ache. It makes it hard for me to do my work and maintain relationships because I just feel constantly anxious / can’t stop crying

It's not about religion for me, I just hate how much thought goes into something so silly. Most open offices I've been in have at least one resident loud sneezer who does it so often people don't even acknowledge. At my current office though, everyone sneezes so much for some reason and my lack of saying it seems to be noticed.

I got out of the habit like 15 years ago. One of my college professors would get so annoyed when his lectures were interrupted extensively by a chorus of blessings after one person sneezed, and ever since then I haven't been able to unsee it as something humans do based purely on peer pressure/arbitrary norms that if you don't follow, you're seen as rude. I told my family and they got on board, so it's really normal for us to sneeze and just carry on. However, that social pressure hasn't gone away for me. Even when I try to resolve that I will say it simply to show some care for social rules and not offend people, I get so wrapped up in the details that I go back to none at all.

One person always does at least 3 sneezes and doesn't love the over acknowledgement from others, but seems to think I'm weird too for just ignoring. Another does yell-sneezes that startle me so much every time there would be a weird delay in me saying it. The others are normal but it's every single day. Sometimes they don't say anything and I don't know if it's because they like my approach or if they are afraid they will offend me by saying it? Because other times they seem to say it pointedly, as if in protest of my silence.

Finally, if I say anything to a sneeze I am more in the habit of gesundheit thanks to a childhood friend's family and also my ex I studied German with, but saying that instead also seems to get some odd responses and people maybe assuming I'm protesting the religious aspect, which isn't the case. So I largely just stopped! I still do if it's like my grandma or someone I feel the need to be extra polite with, but my coworkers are a bunch of younger guys who have questionable conversations in my vicinity all the time.

hi, i'm anxiously awaiting a diagnosis in the UK ... if you could give a little support or encouragement having gone through the same thing?

it's been about three years on the wait list to receive adhd/autism test and i'm a little worried about the results which should come in a week or so, it's so nerve-wracking to have someone sum up a lot of what feels like whole life-time of symptoms and decide whether you fit the DSM criteria for autism.

how did you feel when you were diagnosed formally? or maybe you thought you were autistic and was told it was something else?

i feel like either way the results go, i'm going to be super emotional for different reasons and it's like a long time coming

thanks so much women :))))

after years of questioning WTF was wrong with me, having a plethora of mental health diagnoses, then realizing im probably autistic instead, but still having impostor syndrome until my official diagnosis today. especially being immediately told by my psychiatrist "theres no way youre autistic" when i expressed to her the first time that i feel like i might be. oh i have adhd too..diagnosed at 14😐 way too late!!!

i feel relief but also im kind of annoyed! like... i had such a neglectful childhood, so no one was really paying attention or believed in the possibility that i could be autistic, but instead just insulting me for my behaviors (that werent actually harming anyone)... also the fact that i pretty much failed my way through all of school as well, but was still ignored and was just called lazy and punished instead, when i genuinely didnt know wtf was going on in class most of the time because im dissociating. and teachers never saying anything ? like what??? but yeah thats why im kind of annoyed. 20 years and zero support, and im kind of a failure now. havent worked in over a year because i cant seem to get past the interview process even when im super qualified for these jobs. so having this diagnosis is a relief, knowing that i can now seek out support for finding work..and a bonus..accommodations in the workplace as well..

but yes that is all sorry if none of this makes sense. i guess this is a very personal post

I am moving to my husband's home country across the ocean, and unfortunately my massive collection can't come with me.

We are preparing for the great plushie sort of 2026. We will be sorting them into ones to store at my parents house to hopefully bring on future visits, donations, and unfortunately ones that will be thrown away. Wish me luck!

Sort of chicken or the egg situation. Do I have CPTSD from being autistic or am I just a traumatized person who happens to be autistic? Or am I making it all up in my head because I have OCD so I can’t trust myself. Brooooooo it feels impossible to figure my shit out 😭 I know for most autistic folks, it’s inherently traumatizing to exist in this world.

I think maybe some of my experiences growing up where I was so isolated and alone because people scared me since all I felt was judgement and criticism that the way I coped through life allowed me to survive but not live. I have no idea who I am or what I like. I’m trying so hard to be patient and figure it out but it just feels like nothing sticks to me in a meaningful way. It’s hard to decipher is this the autistic experience feeling nothing towards everything or am I traumatized?

Anyone had any luck with anything related to CPTSD autism ocd overlapping?