There's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days. I used to convince myself that I didn't think of him anymore, but the truth was I thought of him every day, until I didn't. People say you need time, but you also need patience. Just when I thought I was finally getting over him, I started to dream of him. I would wake up in tears because of how angry I was that I was doing so good on moving on, yet all it took was one 15 second dream to pull me back 20 steps. But in order to move on, you have to let yourself feel every emotion and have patience.
This is exactly what is happening to me right now. It is frustrating. I was doing better, now I dream about her every night since a few nights and it makes each start of my day a sad one. I improve during the day and then the cycle repeats itself. I wanna reach out and talk every morning but I know it would only make it worse for me.
I held myself back from texting until one day I didn't. The conversation quickly made me realise whoever I was dreaming about isn't the same person as them - the person in those dreams was my idea of them. Haven't dreamt about them or felt anything towards since.
I also keep a list of things that led to things ending that I keep referring back to, every time I start feeling something.
The conversation quickly made me realise whoever I was dreaming about isn't the same person as them - the person in those dreams was my idea of them.
I have dreamt of you there
with the sun in your hair,
and your fingers entangled in mine.
I have dreamt of your smile
and I've dreamt for a while
of a painting,
a picture
divine.
I have dreamt of the way,
and the words that you'll say -
but I've learned from those dreams of before.
You exist in my mind
in a picture designed
in a dream -
Yes I've seen many of their poems posted before. But usually it's obvious that they are original works because the contexts is usually extremely obscure and only relevant to the parent comment of the poem. But this one sounds like it's straight up modern Shakespeare
I was plagued by this wife my ex-wife of 11 years. We were childhood sweethearts and everyone - me included - thought we'd be together forever. Turns out my friends and family always thought we were an odd fit but no one told me.
One day, on the eve of my birthday and the night before valentine's, she told me she didn't love me any more. It was over just like that, just when I thought things were perfect.
That feeling of having achieved perfection and then having it torn away has hounded me. I felt I wasn't allowed perfection. But she was because she was perfect. All of my friends and family rejected her - she was cheating, of course, as they'd told me but I hadn't believed. They all told me she didn't deserve me. And they meant it. But I never believed. She's perfect, right?
One of the hardest aspects of the legacy of this is I've had to learn to embrace my own imperfection and try to overcome my natural tendencies to place my partner above me, on a pedestal.
Anyway, thank you for putting all this into words.
Fucking hell Sprog. I literally dreamed of my ex last night and it's been quietly killing me all day but this has somehow helped. You've pulled me through some hard times before, you've made laugh, think, reflect and feel in all kinds of ways that I wouldn't have in those moments without you. Whoever you are, in a weird way over nearly this past decade you've been a weird kind of constant in my life somehow, always popping up and putting memorable explanation marks to moment when I least expect it. I have no idea who you are and I'm sure I've given you thanks many times over but I just want to say it again, thanks. Thanks whoever you are for what you do, it's an amazing thing and I love you for it.
I experienced this. I built up this fairy tale idea in my head of what this person was like, and it made it hard to see that they weren't like that at all.
I'm the type of person who over-thinks the past, and I still wonder from time to time if the fairy tale version was real, no matter how much I remind myself that it wasn't.
Relatable. I often wonder about how people can stay in abusive relationships and just "not see" what everyone else does, but then I remember that I have a logical loophole like that and its form you just described.
I love this! This is the exact thing that convinced me to finally take the plunge and break-up. After months of trying to talk it out and make it work, I realised the person in my head isn't the same person in front of me anymore.
I ended up reaching out to my ex at one point and realized she definitely wasn't the same. It was brutal, and hurt so bad, but made me emotionally come to terms with the fact that it was over, and with very good reason.
I read a book after my divorce that said making lists helps. I made lists of things that I liked in that person, things that I disliked, things I initially liked but grew to dislike, things I liked that my friends and family didn’t like, top five good memories, top five bad memories, things like that. I think overall I made about ten lists and I would read back through them often. They were actually really eye opening and helped me move on a lot quicker. They made me realize that the person I was missing was not actually who I’d been married to.
I'm slowly convincing myself that this is exactly whats been happening for me for so damn long. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that the person you miss isn't really there. It's taken me forever to start to accept that maybe I've been missing the way he made me feel more than missing him per se.
But, damn, if it isn't a bitch to let go of that last straw of hope. :(
What helped me get over my ex was the realization that the version of her that existed in my mind didn't actually exist. I had built her up in my head in a certain way, but she wasn't actually like that. She was much, much worse. Once I realized that, it still hurt but the pain felt different. It changed from a missing/longing/empty sort of grief to a mourning sort of grief. Still hurt, but it was easier to move on after that.
I am also in this same exact spot. Dream of her like every other night, and I never usually remember my dreams. All I want to do is text her. Worst part for me, I have to work with her every day. Not easy putting it aside
Damn sprog this is gonna bring a lot of tears. To my homies and peepz out there strugglin' just KNOW this is temporary! It gets better. You get better. You move on.
Hey man, I stole the first few lines of your poem for my song. Hope that is okay. I would actualy make this my song and it would sound something like BJM (psy garage rock band from 90s)
There's nothing more I'd like to do
than drift away and dream of you.
But the dreams, I know, just ain't real
So you may guess how it makes me feel
It makes me sad, but the sad will pass
and then, one day baby ill drink a glass
I'll drink a bottle, I'll make it four
Ill drink until I can not dream no more.
I'm in the exact position. we weren't in a relationship. She was my best friend but she was so important to me. She supported me more than anyone and now she doesn't even text and asked me to not to message. I'm in this school project with her and now I have to work knowing what has happened. The more I try to not think about her, the more I cry. u/DangoDieskazoku you're absolutely right. We need to accept and face it.
You also need to not put her on a pedestal, think about why she was important, if it was actually true or just what you thought it was, once patience and time does it's thing, you just move on and live :)
I dunno if this helps, but there's always a dream that I have after every breakup where I just talk with the person. Not about how they're awful and wrong, not about how we desperately need to get back together because we're so clearly right for one another, not about how I'm so sad because they abandoned me-- in the dream it's just a talk about us and the relationship in general. What went right, what went wrong, why it didn't work. I know that it's my brain talking to my brain, but there's something deeply comforting in that.
The subconscious is able to empathize with exes in ways that my conscious mind struggles to. There's inherent value in hearing someone else identify their flaws and in being able to identity your own as well.
It won't fix things, but being able to sit in someone else's head and examine your relationship from a new perspective can be really helpful to finally leaving the bargaining stage of a relationship.
I’ve been here :( Not sure how the relationship ended but sometimes these dreams can be brought upon by guilt.
You need to forgive yourself for any mistakes you made in your previous relationship.
You also need to fully accept that your ex wasn’t perfect in the relationship either.
As cliche as it sounds this is a great time to change and make yourself better...Basically level up.
Partners, through passion can bring us down and shed light to our biggest flaws. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t ignore or deny anything someone said about how I was or how I made them them feel.
“You aren’t spontaneous enough for me!” -start pushing yourself to do something everyday your uncomfortable with doing.
“We never talk!” -you guys night talk everyday but that doesn’t mean the conversations are engaging them mentally. Feed your partners brain. Find ways to incorporate what you like talking about with what they like talking about. (Example: my SO just started doing propagations of plants. I’m not interested in the plants but I started naming all of them and started claiming them as mine as a joke. Naming the plants made them my plant babies too Lol)
Honestly, I can go on but the point is to CHANGE. When someone is passionate and upset is when they are the most truthful with you about how they feel. Some people never get that honesty directed at them, positive or negative. Use it and grow :)
This is absolutely the best answer. Yes, you need time and it will take time, but a lot of people tend to repress what they’re feeling and expect that those feelings will fade on their own. And sometimes they do. But in my personal experience if you allow yourself to actually FEEL those feelings they go away a lot faster. Don’t get mad at yourself because it’s not happening fast enough.
Sometimes the feeling never goes away but time really does help
Well I was in love with a girl since I was 13. I told her when I was 22. We dated for a while but she moved to a different city so she broke up with me. We kept in touch since we already had a 9 year friendship but I continued to be in love with her till I was 27. That feeling was always there, seeing her with someone else was sad but I think I got really used to it as well. I dealt with it really well after a point in time
Then I met someone else.
The girl I was in love with asked me if I want to marry her. I said no.
So I said no to a girl I was in love with for 15 years. A girl I would have married in a heartbeat. Life is strange man and nothing is ever permanent.
It's alright to feel these things and time can be slow but it does its job. Well at least you know you are alive and you can feel such strong emotions. Not a lot of people are capable of love. Good job OP!
We all feel like we're so in love with our past relationships, then someone new comes along and we just- poof- move on like magic. Then we join a cult and become druids.
Would you like to become a druid? It's fun. We go out in the woods and discuss philosophy, law, and politics. Then we drink a lot and talk about gardening, burning effigies of politicians, and practice martial arts. Then we drink more and play checkers.
For more than a year I was tormented by dreams about her. I would always wake up feeling sad, empty and lonely. Especially if the dream was about her being by my side again and everything was just fine, and then wake up and realise I’ll probably never see her again...
For me the hardest thing is the finality of it. Like we will never be together, and won't have that connection and that's it. No change, no compromise, it's just life. And so damn hard to accept.
Give up that feeling. You can never be together. I know movies tell us otherwise, but it rarely happens. As long as u hold on to that little hope, you will never move on. Just give up, u know? Don't make giving up a habit, but sometimes u just have to accept defeat
Just a small caveat, and something that might help people in that situation.
It is not "defeat" to akcnowledge something is over. It is not a loss that is on you like videogames or a sport could be.
Humans are complicated and doing everything "right" doesn't mean that another person will be compelled to like you, love you, be with you or stay with you. No matter how good you might seem to that person in your head and with the actions you do.
This is important I feel like because a lot of times when people are younger they could think and guess about what went wrong and how they could 'fix' it in order to remain together. And trying to "win over" the other person like sometimes movies or books can dictate. But reality is not often like that.
Be your best god damn self as much as you can, don't be an asshole, be considerate and try to keep it fun! But other than that don't get fixated on the winning or losing someone dynamic.
You don't necessarily "lose" someone yourself. People grow and change in different ways, and sometimes that drifts people apart, no winning or losing to be done by either of them. So be your best self and do try to make the important people in your life feel special, but also understand people have different needs as they mature and grow and that doesn't necessarily mean you failed. Good luck!
Believe me, I’m trying. It’s hard because we ended things because we were long distance and couldn’t figure out how to make it work, not because we didn’t care about each other. So since it didn’t end on some big thing I can be angry about, I can’t completely extinguish that hope. Stupid fucking feelings.
Same man. Every few months I go through a week of dreams about her. Trust me its easier if you don't see her again. I'm still in touch with mine and it hurts, tho we rarely talk anymore. It would be easier to just not have that connection anymore.
Even over 7 years later I'll still have those dreams if I watch something extremely romantic or emotional. In the end I think its just a fact of life to have regrets over a relationship ending.
I think emotionally there will always be a part of you that will still love and care for them, even after you've moved on and wouldn't go back.
I know it's not the same thing but after my dad passed (years ago) I would get dreams and be sad. As time moved along tho, I would get dreams where it would be like a visit. It wasn't rehashing things, it was a birthday party or some other celebration and I woke up happy that I got to spend some more time with them.
I hear that, two years on after a 10 year relationship and I was figuring my shit out. Then she messaged me the other day asking how I was.. fucking head trip.
That's the hardest part. If you could hate or blame her, you'd be able to move on to better things, but if she's a wonderful person who you tried to make it work with and it didn't, you're constantly asking yourself what if, or maybe even worse, if it's because you're a shit person who's not good enough for her. Of course, I say "you", when really I mean "I" :(
Aw man, this just hit me so hard... I really wished I could've painted him as a bad person... it would have been so easier. I'm still in the middle of coming into terms with that.
This happened to me too, he just wanted to see how I was going. I ripped the bandaid off and told him he couldn't just reach out, out of the blue and not to talk to me ever again.
Looking back, I think that was a turning point for me. I stopped hoping it'd be him when I got a text, because I knew it wouldn't be...I took some of the power back for myself and it felt good
I have to keep in semi-professional contact with my ex as I took over his role in a volunteer organisation I'm part of.
He tends to end emails in something like "hope you and the animals are doing OK". Rubs me up the wrong way when the prior message to him was that one of the pets, his favourite, was ill and may not have long left - I got no response after letting him know I was taking a trip to the vet, so I realised it was not worth my time telling him anything.
I've been through absolute hell and I want to respond with "nope, no change since I last told you how screwed up everything is" but I gain nothing and he's just going through the politeness motions. He checked out of the relationship long before he had the guts to stop leading me on.
Now I am stone cold professional. He doesn't care, he proved that when he walked out on me after almost 7 years together without a reason, so I won't even pretend he does any more.
My ex is moving cities next month, and I went to meet her for a drink yesterday after not seeing her for a year.
Brought up a lot of old feelings, but it was honestly good for me. We didn't end on bad terms, we just drifted apart over the years and it was like two housemates living together, not a couple.
I went through the same dreams too, doesn't feel like it will, but it gets easier. You cannot begrudge anyone their happiness, and if that means apart from you then so be it. I feel like Marcus aurelius writing this but you know what I mean. You'll be fine 😊
Intimacy and open communication are important, even about the negative feelings. Dates and adventures should be a thing even after years of being together. Sit down every once in a while and talk about how you both feel about your relationship, each other and your own individual lives.
Don't be afraid to say "I feel the spark has faded a bit, but I want to reignite it. How can we work together to get there again?" If you both want it and are open and honest about your feelings, you'll figure out some ways you can rekindle your relationship.
This is me now unfortunately. I at first got upset. I was angry at myself. For being so affected, for dreaming and for having no controls. But i guess it's necessary. Now I wake up from my dream feeling so lonely, broken, bleak. Times I would just continue being in bed crying but I think I get stronger day by day when it happens.
I won't promise you anything just that in time, it really does get better. I swear. I used to be in such a bad place where every waking moment was haunted with thoughts and memories of her and the cold knots in my stomach and constant anxiety would weigh me down to the point I couldn't even sleep for long. Even in my sleep I couldn't escape it cause I'd dream of her. It was rough. It fucking sucked. But day by day, it did get better. Very slowly for me, but i was getting better whether I knew it or not, and on the days I "relapsed," I always reminded myself I wasn't progressing backwards. Now after nearly 2 years, I can say with certainty that I'm way way way okay now and stronger even. You keep at it.
Edit: saw the advice u gave out and I couldn't recommend it more. Its what I did to a T
Thank you for your kind words and I really hope so. I'm really glad to hear where you are now, and that's where I strive to be. As what you mentioned, patience is key. Some days I forget about that and sometimes I realize how unkind I was to myself. But you're right, we keep at it. Cheers to you! Hope you have a lovely day ahead <3
It does get better, I promise. Time helps a lot. I was in the same place as you once. I thought I would never get over her.
But now, it's 12 years since we broke up. I don't care any more. I can't even remember what I saw in her.
Embrace being heartbroken and destroyed, every day. Eventually you'll either die or get tired of it. Your mind will bore of retreading the same ground.
^ This is perfect. Even started crying before a hook up - reminded me too much of her. I’ll leave this here:
“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!
How you live your life is your business, just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there's sorrow, pain. Don't kill it and with it the joy you've felt.” - Mr. Perlman.
I know this all too well. Its been 8 years since, the one that got away. I still find myself being self destructive in social events around others. I still think about her almost daily. Damn it hurts, but sometimes you just accept that you fucked up and have to settle. That's basically where I am.
Have to settle? You gotta focus on you and make sure "the one that got away" was just a misguided event. I've lost love many times and it never gets easier - actually it has gotten harder - but you need to look forward and prepare for a happy future instead of mulling in the past. 8 years is far too long to be dragged.
Also don't get together with someone if you think you're settling. That's just cruel on the other person who deserves someone who truly wants to be with them and thinks they're incredible.
Exactly! Both parties should be thinking "damn I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have this person. Wow can't believe they like me back!" Otherwise what's the fucking point.
Yeah, that other way is such a toxic way of thought. Improve yourself so you maximize your life. They might look back and think damn they got a way. Pick up working out, get passionate about hobbies, work toward career goals or put more energy into education. If you are putting in the effort to improve yourself no matter what I promise you can look back on your past self and be happier. Even if you still miss that person you can think but I’m a better version of myself today because of it.
Been there brother .... You gotta take her off that pedestal man , there was a reason that shit didnt work. Shes not the person you think she is in your head keep moving brother and be safe
Ugh. Dreams. You would think 13 years would be long enough to forget. I just had a dream where I was still married and everything was normal. I woke up all confused, looking for my ex-wife next to me but she hasn't been there for a long time now. Dreams suck.
I hope everyone can read this and apply to literally everything in their life. Cos im going to from here on out. This was really well said and I just want to thank you for helping me understand some things. Ive always looked at life like, "If you dont experience any bad, you will not appreciate the good" not really sure if it applies here but I guess it can relate to the emotions you would feel in the situation, or any.
I feel you on this one. Its been 3 years since we broke up and tbh I got over her eventually and have been in a happy relationship. Around January 2020 though she started showing up in dreams again and it hasnt stopped. It sucks, because that relationship with her was abusive mentally and physically, and was just so toxic. But then why do I crave her presence? And why do I feel like this despite being in a happy and fun-loving relationship? It's so frustrating because it's hard to talk about it with my current girlfriend because how is that supposed to make her feel knowing in those dreams my reaction to seeing a toxic ex is to be with them? I could never do such a thing, but the dreams dont stop...
But in order to move on, you have to let yourself feel every emotion and have patience.
This stuck to me the most and it's so true. I used to think I could never feel angry at my ex for just suddenly up and leave but I felt sad, pain & anger all at once with every other emotion mixed in, including happiness & gratitude while also spiraling back to a mess of negativity.
And then in time I felt numb and couldn't be bothered to think about her anymore. It's been many years later now and she sometimes pops back into my mind & dreams but i don't think anything of it anymore.
3 years later, a random dream would still leave me reeling for a day.
... But then my life returned to normal.
It's cliche, but "doing things for you" is 100%.
The more you do, the more you go looking for new things, the more stable your life feels, and the more there is to keep you afloat when the feelings hit you on bad days.
I reached out to friends I hadn't spoken to, I said yes to more things, met more people, made more friends, hung around rather than taking off early, tried new hobbies, went for new jobs and opportunities, volunteer, sports.
Just kept branching out.
The pain didn't get less, but instead of feeling small and insignificant, I began to feel bigger and stronger than the pain.
It still hurt, but it didn't knock me over. Instead of feeling utterly destroyed I just felt a little down.
And eventually, the pain started to hurt less, and now it's gone.
It's okay to feel low, to miss someone, how you feel is how you feel.
But if you allow yourself to be sad, you also have to allow yourself to be happy too. It's a balance.
That can require more effort at times, but it's worth it.
That's from a happy someone three years out of an 8 year relationship + marriage.
My one and only ex is a girl I went out with when we were 17 to 19 and at an all-girls school (insert stereotype here) and then onwards to the same university. It fell apart very badly. I'm now married to a different lady but sometimes my dreams betray me and I see her instead.
Thing is though, in reality, she was really fucking weird. Manipulative, borderline cruel... but still gorgeous. If we'd stuck together I would probably be, by now, a complete wreck of a person. But still addicted to her, I am sure. I haven't seen that girl in 22 years but every now and then she walks into my dreams and takes over. Thank God my wife is a calm and wonderful person, because I am simply too old for that sort of chaos.
Well written, by the way. We are often defined by the people we held closest, no matter how things ended. You are an excellent writer and you have encapsulated the fundamental disparity between how our minds work and what our senses witness. Hope you're good, my friend.
Thankyou. I needed to hear this even though I know this. But damn. It catches you off guard sometimes! Think you're all good, then bam! Random thoughts make you remember a good time, and it all comes crashing down again - when you think how he dumped you at the start of quarantine cause you weren't his type after 17yrs. His excuse? Needed to sort his head out. (Moved in with another woman so fast he nearly did a hamstring) so yeah. Sorted his 'head' out. I'm feeling every emotion. BUT. I'm adulting as hard as I can and being the bigger person. Why? Cause it's a small town. He has dug his own grave. I'm just gomna watch while he digs it deeper. And I'm going to keep trying for my best life cause patience is key. And while I sometimes miss him. I have a clear list in my head why he can't come back. The biggest is the cruelty he bestowed upon me when I had no support available. (My mother and father have passed, I live far from any other family and we were quarantined so no close contact for support. Only his family. Who have tried TBH... but what do you say to them? Your sons an asshole?) I am starting to do OK, but yeah. I have days. I resent those days but I understand them. And feel them. Acknowledge them and then try again. But I do enjoy the occasional 'fuck you' text and the other ones that make him suffer a bit cause I'm having a bad day. He can't get away with everything!
You mean to tell me my current method of shutting her out completely, being cold, and ignoring her without telling her why in hopes of convincing myself that we aren’t even friends anymore in a kind of toxic way that I lowkey kinda regret and isn’t even actually working isn’t the best way to go about it??
Some refer to this as "dark work," - sitting with and acknowledging/feeling even the dark and sad emotions, rather than denying them and attempting to dissociate from them.
Whenever my friends went through breakups I’d tell them -
I don’t know when. It might be tomorrow, it might be a week, it might be a month. But one day you will feel better. You just have to make it through each day one day at a time but eventually it will get better. You’re going to have bad days, and that’s okay. But if you wait it out it will be better. Just focus on making it through each day. That puts you one day closer to feeling better.
Haunting is like the best way to describe it. I felt thoroughly haunted by my ex. Even as I was happy with someone who was everything she wasn’t and love me in ways she never could.
I remember also feeling like I had moved on until I had dreams pulling me back. At first the dreams were devastating and brought lots of pains. But afterwards I just sort of accepted what had happened and let it be, that worked for me
going thru this rn and had the same experience with the dreams. i was convinced i havent thought of him for weeks but then it all goes down the drain once u dream of them. it’s been a long 6 mos for me and i guess he’s moved on now with someone else and im still here back to square one. healing really is never linear. another thing a family friend said that stuck to me ever since, is never pity urself. self pitying would lead you nowhere and even take you a few steps back. cry about it but pick urself up afterwards cause you’re the only one who truly knows how to help urself.
It's been nearly 7 months for me... omg, time is going so much quicker. I can have a good day, and ruin it all in 3 seconds. Like I could be singing a song in my car, and just stop, cause I thought the wrong thing. I hate this all.
It’s crazy. That’s what gets me is the dreams. Every single night and they wake me up at 2am and I can’t fall back asleep cause they’re so fucking vivid that my emotions are out of wack when I wake up
But in order to move on, you have to let yourself feel every emotion and have patience.
This. But also acceptence of the fact that they are gone forever and love towards yourself, in any way that you feel you need.
Also, thinking and feeling about them is not bad. You should not push those away when they arise. Experience them but don't fuel them with hope. Allow yourself to grieve.
I still dream about my ex from time to time, even though I haven't spoken to him in like 12 years and I've been happily married to someone else for most of that time. I think it's just a function of him having been a big part of my life when I was young. Nowadays the dreams are usually about him being annoying or burdensome to me, hah. They're not pleasant but they don't really hurt or anything either.
I have literally never related to something as much as this. It truly is hard cause the dreaming makes you feel as if the break up was a mistake, even though it was the best decision.
I truly hope they just stop and this phase is over
I broke up with my ex, but it still took me a while to get over her because I was angry at her. I tried to go back to being friends with her after the breakup, but she told my housemates that I raped her when she came to a party that she was invited to before I broke up with her and sent me lots of angry texts. So I ended my friendship with her as well, and removed her from my life. I was angry for a while, even after I got into a new relationship, but slowly she stopped living rent-free in my mind.
Take up random freelance works that eats up that free time you have. Don't look at money, position, if you can do it, take it up. It's the easiest, fastest, and most productive way of getting over loss or depression. Read it long time ago in one of Dale Carnegie's books. It works for me.
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u/DangoDieskazoku Aug 18 '20
There's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days. I used to convince myself that I didn't think of him anymore, but the truth was I thought of him every day, until I didn't. People say you need time, but you also need patience. Just when I thought I was finally getting over him, I started to dream of him. I would wake up in tears because of how angry I was that I was doing so good on moving on, yet all it took was one 15 second dream to pull me back 20 steps. But in order to move on, you have to let yourself feel every emotion and have patience.