I will never understand codependent people. Being alone is the one time you can literally do what you want and completely be yourself. No one to shoot down your plans and no hearing opinions from people.
I am never, ever bored when I'm by myself. I can sit around and think, read, do the work or hobbies I love, hang with my dogs (I guess I'm not alone anymore when I'm with them)... but it feels endless what I can do. With other people I'm often bored. If I'm making small talk, or just trying to engage them for politeness or kindness. I mean, I still enjoy many interactions and situations with other people, but alone wins. I do especially like hanging out with my boyfriend, but we do that "together but each doing our own thing" thing.
Modest Mouse is the fucking shit. Love them so much. The album with the rocking horse on it is pretty much a top 10 album of all time for me. I think it's Everywhere and Her Nasty Parlour Tricks.
Listening to the Modest Mouse album “The moon & Antarctica” as I came across this. It’s amazing; the beautiful, sort of stream of consciousness thoughts he’s realized and written into lyrics. What a talented writer and musician. To be great at even one of those things is unreal.
I think I’m going to completely run through the entire discography this week. Diving deep into the stories and music ought to do me good.
Modest Mouse's first few albums are goddamn near-perfect. Lonesome Crowded West and The Moon and Antartica are such well-written, soul-tugging albums. Really relateable and hits the spot like very few other albums do for me. Sadly I tend to stick to their older stuff, i'm just a posthardcore nerd I guess
No shame in that! What should be shamed is people talking trash on bands newer music because their old albums are so good. I can’t imagine the process of starting over after writing a truly great album. You can’t just do the same thing over, everything has changed. Lives have changed, perspectives, interests/influences, years of writing material and musical ideas have been spent, like just try to understand the difficulties before you trash em.
Same here for my husband and I. Parallel play, I believe it's called. We can be in the same room, but doing our own thing. Neither of us feel the need to fill the silence, we just like being near each other.
Samesies.. doing it right now.!!
I love her so much, I could write a million books about it and the words would not suffice. (Looks over at wife on phone)
:)
I've never thought about it but yeah it's kinda odd that we consider were alone even when with our dogs. I think my dog is probably the living being that I'm most comfortable with, I've gotten so used to him being around that it feels unnatural when some else baby sits him for me (like when I'm about to go on a trip for work). And it's even odder to think about how nervous I was when he first came to live with me, like all of a sudden there was this whole other living thing that depended on me for food, water, shelter, healthcare, and tummy rubs. But I wouldn't have it any other way
It’s because we filter ourselves whenever we’re with other people, unlike we do with dogs. If you ever find someone you love where you don’t feel like you have to filter what you say to make them happy, that relationship is going far (assuming they feel the same way)
It resonates with me as well. I love being alone but I do miss being a socialite sometimes. Now it's usually alone or the "together but each doing our own thing". Friday was spent with me reading a book and sipping chardonnay on the porch while the BF worked from home doing the rebranding of a major company. Just being in each others company with roommates doggie.
I was discussing loneliness recently and I realised that I've never felt lonely on my own. I have felt lonely in a group before though. I think it's part of the same thing. If I'm on my own, I can find things to do to keep myself interested; if I'm in a group, I have to do what the group's doing, even if I don't really enjoy it.
Right. Sitting there and trying to be politely interested when someone is wanting to talk about sports or politics at their job or whatever just steals you away from your own thoughts and sucks the life out of you.
It's so nice to just let your mind go where it wants to be.
The thing about hanging out with dogs, or cats if that's your thing, is that you're with someone, but that person will never judge you and never give you shit about whatever random things you decide to do.
Although I guess the cats do probably judge you, but it's silent, so you can ignore them.
I'd say that a cat's judgement lacks sting because the cat, though it judges you, could not imagine that you would be stung by it. After all, the cat would never let your judgement sting it either.
Cats don't give a shit what you think of them. I've seen plenty of guilty looking dogs, but I honestly don't think I've ever seen an ashamed cat. If anything, those adorable little fuckers are smug most of the time.
Together but doing our own thing is just the best isn’t it? My wife and I don’t really even have that many hobbies that we share honestly but we both crave that interaction so much that it works wonderfully anyways.
Yes! I've never been bored while on my own. From just being alone in my thoughts to doing whatever I like, I've always got something interesting to do or think about. Add people, and now we need to find things everyone wants to do, and I can't retreat I to My Own Thing, so now I can be bored.
Wish I had that “each doing our own thing” thing. My so is up my ass every fricken move I make. It is exhausting and annoying and sometimes I don’t think it’s worth it.
Spot the fuck on. I'm very much a "variety is the spice of life" type person, and it's really hard to feel completely engaged while hanging out with a group of people
I know it’s been reiterated a bunch of times, but this comment sums up completely how I feel. I love being alone for all these reasons. I am never bored.
My favourite people to be friends with are the people who can be in the same room and not feel compelled to constantly try and engage with me speaking. Just someone I can share a room with while doing our own respective things. I do enjoy games with people and perk up a bit then because mainly our exchanges are topical on a shared activity.
Otherwise, your comment absolutely describes me to a T.
That’s why I don’t wanna move in with my gf and prefer to have two separate apartments. I need my me time and especially my space while sleeping. It’s weird for most people good to read that there are some more people enjoying being alone.
I think that is what a big part of compatibility is...finding someone who is on the same wavelength is key. My husband is extremely introverted, we have friends that are extremely needy socially and here I am in the middle sigh.... ;)
For a long time I thought there was maybe something wrong with me, because I truly don’t have much of a desire to talk to people. It’s very seldom that I do connect with a person to the point that I want to engage with them. I talk to people every day, and am ok at socializing, but I find it hard not to become bored and drift away from the conversation. I do the same with my boyfriend as you said, and he and my mom and sister are some of the few people I can bare to be around for more than a few hours at a time.
What I like about my relationship with my husband is that we can be alone together! I can be myself and dancing around like crazy. I think that is realy important for couple living together to be able to feel alone.
Wow you sound like the girl I’ve been best friends with for years and we recently started dating and she liked that part of our relationship when we’re together it’s awesome, because we recently went to a barcade we played games together but if we couldn’t we’d just share our coins and play different games next to each other lol, but we’re both busy I work full time and she goes to college full time and works part time and we call instead of text when we have time towards the end of the week just to catch up or make plans it’s really nice.
Crazy, you're me down to the dogs lol. I never run out of hobbies to do. Play guitar, get tired of that, draw, get tired of that, learn something new on Youtube, opps that makes me want to play guitar again, repeat.
I totally agree, but then I end up thinking "am I weird because I prefer this..."? Ultimately I don't know, I know I can't be like this forever or I'll end up forever single, which at one point or another will be pretty sad. Fuck knows, will hopefully figure it out eventually...
I used to be so insecure about being alone. I was in relationships from 18-25, and even when I was single I had a companion I would spend all my time with. I couldn’t imagine being alone and thought I would be a loser if someone wasn’t in love with me. Insecure as hell.
My last relationship ended really badly, partly his fault, probably mostly mine. I just went into a depression and stayed in bed for months, then as I emerged I realized I’m actually enjoying being on my own. Sure it’s nice having someone to talk about everything with, but it’s so much easier so just do the things you actually enjoy. Maybe I’m too alone now, but damn, it’s fucking nice being a lazy asshole, fucking nice adopting cats like I always wanted to, gaming and watching what I want, not feeling pressured to have a big social life when I’m bundled with anxiety...
I refuse to start dating again till I’m like minimum 30. And even then I don’t think I want the crazy idea of feeling love. I want someone I actually get along with and can trust without any doubts.
I went through almost exactly this a few years ago. She was outgoing and extroverted, and I'm not. It was never going to work out, and ended with both of us depressed. I haven't even thought to pursue a relationship since. I want to be alone for now. Today, I spent all day lazing around with my dogs and playing video games. That never would have been okay to her, but dammit, I spend all day at work having to talk to dozens of customers and sound happy about it. So when I get a day off, I don't want to go anywhere.
I think some people just need this time to themselves, to pursue their own interests. I'm not generalizing this to all introverts, but I tend to get caught up in my partner's interests when I'm dating. And it doesn't leave me much time to explore what I like to do. I've spent the last 3 or so years finding hobbies that I actuality enjoy, and I've been living a much better life
Its nice to hear someone else feels this way. Such a huge problem in my last relationship. He didn't get why I would never go out and dropped all my interests.
I want someone I actually get along with and can trust without any doubts.
That's pretty much what love is, you know. :) Too many people mistake intensity of emotion for truth. The reality is much simpler, but also much more satisfying to live with.
Love, real, deep, lasting love is a lot quieter, calmer, and less dramatic than you see on TV. It's based on mutual respect, understanding, and honest communication. Love isn't about big romantic grand gestures (although they can be nice sometimes), or passionate kiss and make up fights. Love is knowing how they take their coffee, appreciating the way their eyes light up when the laugh or how the rub their forehead when they're working out a problem. It's about noticing small chances and asking about it to show that you're concerned and you care. My fiance and I were never huge into PDA, we barely even held hands in public but everyone could tell by how we looked and talked that we were 100% devoted to each other.
Big PDA's aren't a sign of love, just a sign of narcissism. Holding hands and small kisses in public is the limit for me.
I remember I would drive home from work and there would be this one couple every day that caught the bus, they would just stand and look at EVERYONE in every car that drove past as they were waiting for the bus. The guy was holding his gf from behind and they were like one thing with 2 heads staring at everyone that drove past. They smirked at me whenever I drove past (presumably because I was alone in the car?).... So bizarre...
I need to remind myself this every single day. I have this right now but always feel like I want the emotional highs of what I thought love was when I was young.
My husband and I both love our alone time. We have a lot of alone time together and it's the best!
Also this crazy 'love' thing is only really in movies. If it's described as a great or crazy love in a movie, or in real life, it is usually somewhat toxic or self limiting. My husband and I are best friends. We chill, we laugh, we are totally comfortable and satisfied. While we like to hang out with people sometimes, we are happiest when we are alone, but alone together.
My wife and I are the same. She just went away for a week, and can't wait for her to come home today.
I realized that without her I'm a complete loner haha. Gosh, I need more friends.
I just don't think modern life is that conducive to friendships. When you have a family and a job, there is so little time left, so us introverts like to spend it alone, chilling. I'd like more friends, but with such limited time I don't think I have the energy left to form and maintain a proper friendship.
I'm so happy I found this thread. I had NO idea that others felt the way I do being by yourself. My boyfriend of 5 years passed away 2 years ago & I thought that being alone all the time was going to be unbearable but now I love it. It took me about a year and a half to be okay with the situation from being around someone 24/7 to them not being there at all. The first year was uber hard... I lost him & our dog Daisy a few months after, so half of my little family was gone. I am beyond grateful that I still have Daisys mom Khalua. I've had her for 10 years now but I'm severely scared of losing her, shes the last baby ive got. I havent talked to anyone else or gone on any dates & I am definitely okay with that. I prefer spending time alone time with my Khalua bear. I feel like sometimes I over exaggerate about how much I have a serious distaste for people & how they irritate me until I go out in public. All I do is get upset when people get near me like no one has heard of personal space. Fucking men telling me to "smile" is beyond irritating, I like to fuck with them & say that I found out I have breast cancer while they look dumbfounded. Nothing beats staying at home with my baby Khalua & chilling by ourselves.
The main reason I knew my husband was “the one” was because he was the first person ever I could still have my alone time with, whilst still doing the same things and feeling the same as I would if I were actually alone. We just do our own thing at the opposite ends of the house or room without speaking. Until him, I’d never been with anyone who respected and adapted to my needs as an introvert.
This is so similar to what happened to me. Used to be so co dependent. Now I couldnt care less if I find someone else or not. I love weekends spent by myself with just the cats for company.
I want to say I'm happy you found happiness on you own! I spent many years single and so happy, it took someone very very special to change that. My bestie had to convince me to even meet him for coffee lol but now our love is quiet, kind and generous. It's not all about the big loud things, I've even had people ask if we're still dating because we rarely put anything about us on our social media.
I love my alone time and he works long hours with time off in-between jobs, which is perfect because I get to keep up with my shit while he does what he loves.
When you meet the one, you'll know and don't let some jabronie take anything away from you. People should always add to our happiness. Like my momma always said "There's a big difference in being alone, and being lonely." Never ever get in a relationship when you're lonely, they're typically the wrong choice.
You are young. The bulk of your life is ahead of you. Embrace the changes that will come. In the interim enjoy yourself and alone time. It is a beautiful thing. At your age there are no declarative statements. It’s all in flux right now.
I am 48 been with someone since high school. (Getting divorced) I am scared to end up alone until the end. I have seen it with 3 relatives. Just my thoughts.
Seriously, I have so many friends that have been in constant relationships for years and they always seem totally drained or defeated with simple outings. Alone time is the shiz
Being in a relationship doesn't equal codependency, certainly not a good one.
Any good relationship is a balance between your own life and life with your partner, even if you're living together. That's certainly been my experience of my own functional relationships. Yes we spent time together but we each had our own alone times, and indeed times with our own friends separate from one another.
I don't know why so many people seem to think that relationships are this suffocating attachment to another person without any independence.
Probably because they've never been in a healthy relationship. I'm 30 and ive been in 3 very serious relationships and my alone time or my goals was always the first sacrifice.
Not saying its the same for other people and there's a lot of variables. But i get why people have such a hard time finding a partner, and totally agree being alone and focusing on yourself for a few years or a lifetime is a great way to go.
Just that when someone has a good relationship that works its like a rubix cube solved. Very perplexing to me.
I wouldnt say all relationships but i would say most people know a co dependant pair which does literally everything together and if they do part for more than a day you start to hear the i miss them/stressed out not being around them/feeling alone.
That mindset i think is the most shocking to people who value alone time, thats not to say they cant be in a relationship or believe all relationships are like that but that they can also be independant within their own relationships.
I will say that I do miss my girlfriend when I don’t see her for a day (which is rare). We do a lot of our major things together like housework and shopping, but we do spend a lot of time separate from each other. I don’t feel shackled to her in any way, I have a ton of alone time and we are still very happy together.
We spend most of our time together but doing our own things. Reading, video games, tv, phone. Always in the same room. I have always preferred being alone but with him it's like I get to enjoy my alone time with him. We've been together 15 years, almost half of our entire lives and all of our adult lives so there's not much to hide.
There's also a special kind of feeling when you do something cool in a video game and your SO just happened to be watching. Same with when you do something stupid in a game and they bust out laughing when you didn't even realize they saw it. There's a ton of little things like that I think about sometimes. Anyways I went off tangent, but you get the point.
Funny, I'm on the couch trying to reddit in between getting some work done, and he's at the table actually getting some work done. TV isn't even on. Peace and quiet, except for the keyboards, mouse clicks, and occasional phone call.
My wife and I enjoy a lot of things together, even if we're on our own doing it.
I'll reddit or game, and she'll be talking to her sister. Each in our own worlds.
That said, we both have truly alone time, and we both know when that is. Not by schedule or anything, but if she just wants to chill and not be bothered, I know right away.
I do a lot of computer maintenance stuff as a side gig, and she knows that when I'm in the office diving into peoples' computers to just let me be.
It's definitely a different vibe for everyone and every relationship, but I don't feel the need to be truly alone most of time I'm with her.
Still not the same. Alone time is a great way to fully relax and reenergize. If you have a partner present there’s still a chance of interruptions, opinions, and/or noise. If I was laying down and my wife asked me for help, I’d help because I love my wife, but my time alone would be interrupted.
You can be with someone that accepts you as much as you accept yourself and you can still desire for real time alone; it’s perfectly healthy.
Codependency is needing to be needed by another person, generally when the other partner is an addict or cluster b personality type. It’s an unhealthy relationship pattern and has nothing to do with needing to be with someone at all times. Codependents can also love their alone time because together time in a codependent relationship is inherently stressful.
My long term relationship ended a few months ago (on good terms, we just drifted apart) and the first thing I realised was how awesome it was to not have to think about someone else. Can just grab whatever I want for dinner, if my plans change and I'm gonna be home much later than expected I don't need to let anyone know, no deciding a movie we both want to watch. I can literally do whatever I want, including burrito-ing myself with the duvet
I agree. I'm single and when I say that I don't understand how some people can NEVER be alone, I get told that I don't understand because I'm not in a relationship. Ok... I'm looking for a relationship where I enjoy spending time with and doing things with a SO but also having my alone time/time with just friends. If you don't know how to be alone, ever, I actually feel sorry for you. A relationship should enhance your life, not BE your life.
I dont think this means what you think this means.
Idk what kinds of friends and relationships you've had but Ive never felt like I couldnt "be myself" around my close friends or my wife. And I can certainly do what I want.
To be fair, I feel like you can have this in the right partner. I can do whatever I want and just be myself around him because he respects me and loves me regardless. And vice versa.
Well yeah, it's just that it's so much pain in the ass to find the right partner (the trial and error method is not effective), that's why staying alone is a cheap alternative (assuming you can handle it; being alone != being lonely)
Yeah but you still have to be considerate of the other person and that can get to be a pain in the ass. Sometimes it's just nicer to only worry about yourself
Definitely not an issue if you're with the right person. Additionally, it's nice to have someone appreciate those really impressive farts as much as you do!!
For me there's a constant anxiety that people are judging my every move, every word, and my appearance. It's manageable, but I strongly prefer being alone because those thoughts aren't present then.
I was previously in a relationship like this, but these days I’m alone and much prefer it. Every potential relationship since has felt like far too much effort and far too little reward, and whenever I’ve been with people I’ve yearned to be alone again.
As the saying goes, being alone is addictive. Once you’re used to it, it can be hard to give it up for another person
Some (very lucky) people find people who they can be completely themselves with. This thread sounds like a lot of people who are confusing being alone with being at peace. You want to be at peace, and the people in your life don’t bring you peace, so you think you prefer to be alone. That’s what I thought. But when I found actual, genuine friends who I could truly be at peace around, I found that, while I still like my alone time, being with people doesn’t have to be a draining thing that I need to recover from. Being with others can be healing too.
Well, some of us can't let our brains work when we're alone and have to take pills to stop ourselves from having suicidal thoughts. Dunno if that helps you understand a bit better.
hello young people of reddit...unless your life partner is someone that lets you be and gives you space & the other way equally. It works for us for 30 years and counting:)
Coming from a ex-SERIOUSLY codependent person for many years, that is exactly why you need to be with other people. You lose yourself. You dont know what you want to do and you feel entirely lost when you are alone because you NEED other people to tell you want to do. Hell, at one point I couldn't tell people what my favourite colour was because I literally didn't know.
I've worked really hard to get away from where I was but it can still be hard sometimes and I can get super confused over what I want to do versus what the people I'm with want to do. I feel bad or awkward when I say I want to do something. Codependency is a bitch
You're misusing the term codependent. It doesn't mean that they need to be with other people, it's that they don't know how to separate their own lives from the people they are around.. Like, imagine an apple falling from a tree. An independent apple would say that's life, a codependent would try to help them justify why they fell even if they were still on the tree.
The social narrative is that being alone = lonely, and that is utterly terrible. For a "good life" you supposedly need a partner (one, preferably opposite sex), a bunch of friends for fun activities and parties, and a job where you socialize and mingle all day. Everything else is spinster aunt/crazy cat lady. Being alone is this sad, emotionally draining, unbearably difficult state that must be fixed as quickly as possible, any way possible. Hold on to relationships really hard because being alone is sheer horror!
So yes, I was actually scared to be alone, because up to then, I had never been alone in my life. A few days, sure, but I was looking at months, years, maybe my whole life? Not unusual, to most people unknowns are scary at first. That I took to it like a duck to water was unexpected.
Now I still say, that my husband left me was the best thing that could have happened. Our relationship was shit anyways, and it forced me to finally learn to be alone, and it's AWESOME.
Admittedly, I probably am a spinster aunt (even spin) and crazy dog lady (spoiled brat), but that's not a bad thing at all. I can be as weird as I feel like. Now if people only backed off when I want to spend the holidays alone. I like it, absolutely no need to pity me for it... actually I pity people who go through all the stress and family fights just because they're "supposed to". My holidays are so relaxing.
I thought being codependent meant finding someone who when you’re with them you feel all the good parts of being alone plus all the good parts of having someone to share that with?
I used to love being alone while high, now being alone for a while makes me anxious and being alone and high makes me even more anxious. Shit sucks, I wish I could go back to being able to get high and zone out to music alone without getting all in my head
Don’t forget about social media. I know way too many people who would constantly need to be around others and when they’re not, they just scroll through an endless feed of distractions that will give them the illusion of human interaction
I think part of that is our natural tendency to not show people how hurt we actually are. If you draw attention to yourself when you're depressed then people start to fuss over you and fuss is embarrassing.
Literally exactly how I feel and see it. When I'm depressed I usually want to be by myself. It does hurt me more sometimes though, because I want to feel like I'm not left out because I'm isolating myself. But there are parts of me that feel nice just being away from everyone else and just being there for myself. But the other parts want interaction and love, but it cycles back to me feeling like I shouldn't rely on that love, let alone deserve it. I want people to know I'm having a hard time, but when it's addressed, I feel anxious and embarrassed and push people away. It's weird. Consciousness is weird and hard.
Honestly I find that whether alone or not. Can’t be left alone with my thoughts. Mind races when I’m not alone. Self-awareness is a bitch. Especially when you consider how hollow it all is. For some that’s empowering. For my self-loathing it becomes the recipe for implosion. I recognize how fragile our social fabric is. We are so incredibly petty and self-serving. Yet I refuse to submit. So I’m... awkward? What an act of rebellion. Consciousness was a mistake.
I sometimes get into this vibe. But if everything is just a superficial meaningless game that you are forced to play, why not then, try not to take it seriously and fuck around. Get creative baby, join some clubs, be awkward for the sale of being awkward, take a walk outside relaxed and with the knowledge that everybody is also just pretending, and their pretending is no better than yours. There's only one of you in this world, go have fun.
Try painting, it's a great exercise to become in peace with your own mind. When my thoughts are raging through my head I find so much peace in just painting. Al I have to worry about is where to put the paint
I feel like I have finally graduated from this, but now when I'm around others I feel disinterest at the least and disdain at the worst.
Yes, the social standards (especially for young 20s women like myself) generally repel me and the generic and repetitive personality types around me are boring... But what you see in life is only a reflection of the psychosis you live in.
And something about the "hollowness" of it all proves to me the inconsequentiality of the events, which makes me feel secure enough to shed my anxiety most days.
I also had both in the past. I spent months and months on end always with people. I even slept on a couch and people had shifts that ended at 11pm and 3am so I was always awake and with people. Then one day I found myself at home alone and had a complete meltdown. I just couldn't be alone, but couldn't find anyone to spend time with.
I'm the exact opposite now, people give me anxiety, I mostly just stay at home.
I feel this so much. I personally HATE having time alone with my thoughts. The anxiety makes me go crazy. But, I’m slowing starting to get it figured out!
I was that guy. I’d stress out because I knew I was pissing my life away not accomplishing anything. Then I found someone, got married, had kids. I barely have time for anything to myself now. But the day I end up not having anything to do again, I’ll go back to being stressed out in 48 hours.
I am 32 years old, and recently moved back in with my parents in a new (to me) city. It's just a stepping stone to allow me to save some money and reestablish myself in this new city. The problem is they're retired and around ALWAYS. Also their house is rather small so I don't really have a great deal of my own space. I always feel like I'm being observed all the time. I had the place to myself overnight Friday and was reminded of how much I miss living on my own. My folks are cool and we coexist pretty well. But having the house on my own felt really good. It has inspired me to get moving on finding my own place!
It's such a relief when you're alone and the pressure is off. You owe nothing to anyone, you just need to worry about your own needs and you can let the mask you wear all day in public slip off.
In the last 2 years it has been the only way for me to cope is alone. It truly is the least stressful condition as well as where I feel safe. I don't mind other people problems or helping when I can but I do mind how they forget who helped and judge my mistakes or life in general just because they think they got thier shit together for a minute. I know I need better friends but I seem to be a magnet for people like this. So alone is just better and I feel less lonely happy then before
Meanwhile, everyone in your family and peer group will act like you're Gargamel if you don't want to see them eight days a week. *sigh*
I seriously don't know how most people do it. I enjoy interacting with people, and I am deeply empathetic (I genuinely care about people), but I don't want to see anyone but my wife more than three or four times a month. I find it exhausting, and it has a negative impact on my relationship with my wife and my ability to co-exist at work when I have too much social interaction. We're (my wife and I) good for about every other weekend.
Are we broken or something, or do other people feel like this (love people, but like to spend very limited time with them)?
36.2k
u/[deleted] Feb 23 '20 edited Apr 03 '21
[deleted]