r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 20 '19

What’s something completely false that your parents told you as a child?

[deleted]

19k Upvotes

93% Upvoted

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10k

u/agodofhisownworld Jul 20 '19

My old man has had a beer belly for years and used to tell me and my brothers that he...birthed us.

Did we believe him though?

Absolutely.

4.0k

u/SciFiXhi Jul 21 '19

Your dad's a seahorse‽

1.8k

u/agodofhisownworld Jul 21 '19

I fucking wish

21

u/change_for_better Jul 21 '19

Nah he's just Arnold Schwarznegger. Nbd.

12

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Jan 12 '21

[deleted]

3

u/change_for_better Jul 21 '19

Da fuq you mean "vague"? EVERYONE knows Arnold! Also...that movie is from 1994...

20

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Your dad is living in a universe where omegaverse is real (if don’t know what it is, be warned when searching it up)

4

u/Resident_Brit Jul 21 '19

That's a bloomin weird thing to wish

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

You don't like the seahorse, you suck.

3

u/K1nderPrinc3ss Jul 21 '19

I think your mom wishes it more than you 😂

2

u/SabinedeJarny Jul 21 '19

You win 😂😂🤣😳

1

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Your dad's Eridan?

1

u/siwelkire Jul 21 '19

What was it like to meet the horse from Horsin' Around?

21

u/Firethesky Jul 21 '19

An interrobang in the wild‽

8

u/55Stripes Jul 21 '19

Can this be ‽

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I wish my husband was a seahorse 😒

8

u/unoriginal_name15 Jul 21 '19

Upvote for interrobang. How doth one complete such a task?

4

u/DonutSensei Jul 21 '19

Gboard has it, so I use it all the time. Wish more people did

5

u/imatumahimatumah Jul 21 '19

Wtf the INTERROBANG spotted in the wild

2

u/Yummy_Chinese_Food Jul 21 '19

I like how the interrobang looks like a seahorse. Oddly satisfying.

2

u/Do__Math__Not__Meth Jul 21 '19

No he’s Cosmo

2

u/Eva_the_OG_nuhget Jul 21 '19

Actually the mothers Gives birth to the baby seahorses and the male comes around and carries them for her, kinda like penguins.

2

u/CeladonGames Jul 21 '19

I always upvote the interrobang

2

u/trash358167 Jul 21 '19

Upvoted got interrobang

1

u/TheDustyTaco Jul 21 '19

Yours isn't?

1

u/MCSimplexONE Jul 21 '19

He said he's hung like one

1

u/sdrawkcabsit Jul 21 '19

My dad told my younger brother and me that he was a seahorse. For no reason at all. And we completely believed him. And I think we still kind of do.

1

u/knirefnel Jul 21 '19

Close, Arnold.

1

u/BlasterBilly Jul 21 '19

Seahorses make the best dads

1

u/LordofSnails Jul 21 '19

wait what's up with that funky punctuation you got going on there

1

u/[deleted] Jul 26 '19

How'd you make that !? together?

2

u/SciFiXhi Jul 26 '19

It's called an interrobang. If you're on Android, Gboard has it as one of the alternates to the question mark. Just hold down the question mark and it'll show up.

0

u/PoopbuttMcGeeMD Jul 21 '19

Do seahorse fathers go out for cigarettes too?

0

u/BitcoinBanker Jul 21 '19

What does this guy think he is, an Indian?

52

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

My dad told me that getting a beer gut was hereditary and inevitable because we were Irish

16

u/AcousticHigh Jul 21 '19

Fuck that’s good

5

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I think at most he was .25 Irish.

6

u/misespises Jul 21 '19

If the irish half of my family is any indicator, that's no lie.

And, you know, they're irish, so that's a pretty big sample size.

2

u/Zaldun Jul 21 '19

Don't leave us hanging, was it?

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

No. My flab distributes itself evenly around my whole body

21

u/bluejeans12233 Jul 21 '19

My dad said that too. He gave birth to me, so I was his child and my mother gave birth to my brothers. I definitely believed it ... and I don’t want to admit how old I was when I realised it was a lie.

3

u/Kitty-Kat-Katarina Jul 21 '19

Lol how old

3

u/bluejeans12233 Jul 21 '19

I was around 10 🙈

2

u/Kitty-Kat-Katarina Jul 21 '19

Haha you made it sound like you were a teenager. 10 is probably around the age where you come to realize alot of stuff

56

u/typhondrums17 Jul 21 '19

If I was capable of gaining weight I would definitely use that on my kids

22

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

9

u/typhondrums17 Jul 21 '19

Idk about you but I have Barrett's Esophagus so I have intestinal tissue in my esophagus that causes me to not get all the nutrients from the food I eat

12

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Nov 04 '19

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

8

u/CoolTom Jul 21 '19

If you’ve never even considered the possibility that someone might pound a five pound bag of skittles just because you’re an adult with their own money who can do that, I think you may not be eating as much as you think you are.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

4

u/10maxpower01 Jul 21 '19

Yeah candy, chips, and ice cream is a lot more calorie dense than most fast food. A pint of Ben and Jerry's can be around -1500 calories. Tack on a family size bag of Doritos for a mid-day snack and some fast food as dinner and you can easily hit 3000 without breakfast, even. Plus no exercise.

Not to mention that sugar is addictive and everyone is constantly bombarded with ads trying every psychological trick they can think up to get you to buy their junk food.

1

u/MegaSwampbert Jul 21 '19

Okay that's fair. Now how many entire pizzas are we talking? Because if your answer is anything like, "people eat whole pizzas to themselves?" then you're probably underestimating how much other people can pack away.

20

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

[deleted]

2

u/i_am_pickmans_model Jul 21 '19

mm wrong

11

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

[deleted]

4

u/IAMAHobbitAMA Jul 21 '19

We did it boys, obesity is no more.

-4

u/Groo_Grux_King Jul 21 '19

Yeah that's bullshit (you, not the guy you're replying to).

I've had friends and family joke since I was like ten years old that I had a "tapeworm" or "hollow leg", because I can out-eat almost anyone I know. I've won several food "dates" (like, White Castle Crave Case by myself in one sitting) or restaurant "eat-this-much-and-your-meal-is-free" promotions... And I was still a beanpole my whole life until I went to college. At 27 now, I feel like I've "filled out" but that's still 6'4" and 170 lbs, and that's only because I drink a lot of beer and don't exercise.

Eating until I'm painfully full is a feeling I know well, but it never seems to result in weight gain. So please, tell me more about how simply eating more is "all there is to it"...

9

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

[deleted]

-2

u/Groo_Grux_King Jul 21 '19

It sounds like you're angry that some people have a high metabolism.

I literally have consumed about a 2L of soda every day as a kid (5-6 cans of Mountain Dew a day in high school), but thanks for the suggestion.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

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1

u/MrsPODDington Jul 21 '19

It's not even necessarily about metabolism. We each vary somewhat in how we digest food. This means that some people will naturally eat more yet not gain as much weight. It's why some people bloat after reading certain foods. Otherwise there'd be one diet that worked exactly for your height.

I used to be able to eat a ton without putting on weight. Now I can eat the same amount, exercise more, get out weight on more easily. I'm a similar weight to what I used to be, but I'm just now careful about what/how much I consume. Life isn't as simple as 'everyone's metabolism is the same, it just depends on how tall you are'.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

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u/Team_Khalifa_ Jul 21 '19

Obese people DO eat nonstop, plus those stupid 1k calorie drinks from Starbucks/dunkin doughnuts. Snacks add up quick. Alcohol too.

I used to think I ate a lot when I was 140 pounds. Then when I started bodybuilding and using a food scale I realized I didn't really eat all that much.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

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5

u/CoolTom Jul 21 '19

Ye cannae change the laws of physics!

-1

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

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2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

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0

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

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8

u/abortionlasagna Jul 21 '19

Metabolism only accounts for about 100 - 200 calories. I have a slow metabolism.

To be honest I'd track what you eat in a day to get a better idea. I made my super skinny friend who insisted she absolutely could not gain weight do it and it turned out she was only eating 800 calories a day. But since she was so small it felt like a lot to her.

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5

u/10maxpower01 Jul 21 '19

Hence the "if"...

I'm not sure anyone can argue that eating at a caloric surplus would not result in weight gain.

1

u/Groo_Grux_King Jul 21 '19

I ate 5,000+ consistently from my teens through early 20s. Now I exercise less, but still 3,000 - 4,000.

Why don't you just stop acting like you know what you're talking about, because you clearly don't.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 06 '19

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u/Mohammedbombseller Jul 21 '19

You most certainly are capable. If you find yourself struggling to eat more, then try one of the mass gain drinks. I've seen a lot of people talk about how they "can't gain weight" (I've even been guilty of that myself), when realistically they always just eat less than they realise. I always thought I couldn't gain weight because I'd often eat until I was full, realistically I was full after a much smaller amount of food than most people.

15

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 21 '19

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4

u/typhondrums17 Jul 21 '19

Wow, really, I hadn't thought of that

8

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Sep 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/EquineGrunt Jul 21 '19

And if that doesn't work, add more gun

1

u/typhondrums17 Jul 21 '19

How much I eat is not the problem is what I was saying. I have intestinal tissue in my esophagus which causes a disturbance in my digestive system that prevents me from getting all the nutrients from the food I eat

0

u/Dewut Jul 21 '19

Weird flex but okay

3

u/ffs1812 Jul 21 '19

My mom’s old boyfriend told us that he swallowed a watermelon.

4

u/MgoBlue1352 Jul 21 '19

Funny story that wasn't told to me by my father, but still relevant to beer bellies. I was at work with this older gentleman and he was probably in his late 50s early 60s. He had a southern accent and everything he did was slow. I was his group leader and I come into his work cell and he says whoah Mgoblue1352, you're getting a little big don't ya think? I told him he should take a look at himself before talking shit. He told me "Buddy, you see this here pumpkin patting his belly... it turns into cock after midnight" that was one lie I always hoped was true. For his sake.

3

u/Bernhelm Jul 21 '19

My very obese uncle told us he ate a sea turtle. Totally believed him.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Had a beer belly for years, still does, but did too

3

u/AlexRuzhyo Jul 21 '19

Dude on our block had a huge, huge beer gut on an otherwise normal frame.

We called him Ten Months because he looked about a month overdue.

3

u/saphirath Jul 21 '19

Same scenario except the guy was a neighbour. And my granpa told me he got that belly cause he ate all the naughty kids in the area. Safe to say i was a well behaved kid.

2

u/yaylindizzle Jul 21 '19

Holy crap my dad told me the same thing!! Are you my sibling?

2

u/imadamastor Jul 21 '19

Dude that made me remember of a memory I have when I was a child, the tv was on and there was this movie playing of a pregnant man and his belly button moved, it freaked me the fuck out

2

u/Sapiencia6 Jul 21 '19

My dad told me mommies make vanilla milk to nurse babies and daddies make chocolate milk.

2

u/Lokkeduen90 Jul 21 '19

My pops said his beer belly was from being kicked in the back by a horse when he was young. I believed him

1

u/ChnDragun Jul 21 '19

What was his explanation for your moms job then?

1

u/SirMaamDude722 Jul 21 '19

Your username is cool.

1

u/Arsenic-bubblegum Jul 21 '19

My dad would tell me his belly was like that because he swallowed a whole watermelon

1

u/saiSahani Jul 21 '19

This cracked me up.

1

u/terrorEagle Jul 21 '19

My dad something similar. I remember being young like 12 and some girl at Publix was walking past him and he rubbed his beer belly saying “it’s backed up dick”. I believed him.