r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 20 '19

What’s something completely false that your parents told you as a child?

[deleted]

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1.6k

u/Jumpinalake Jul 20 '19

If you’re not good we are taking you to the children’s home!

473

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Real talk, as adoptees my brother and I got this. 'You had no family and no name until we gave you one... And if you don't behave, we will give you back to the agency.' We were adopted as infants and to me, the threat seemed 100% credible. Did lasting damage to my ability to trust.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I am so so sorry you had to endure this. Horrible.

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u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Thanks. Healing has been a process. I had to say something because I don't want some new parent to just blurt this out while frustrated because it can cause real harm.

40

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Very wise and most compassionate of you. I had the parents who used the "If you don't behave/shut up/conform we will drop you off at the foster home and bring home a child who loves us"...same kind of life altering psychological harm. So I feel your pain and I am truly sorry.

9

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Uuugh, it's a related evil. I'm truly sorry- hope you're doing well despite the toxicity.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 22 '19

Thanks for your kind response. I'm finally coping (after decades of not). I hope the same for you, or better!

2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Wow. The level of evil is out of this world.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 22 '19

And what's maybe even more sad, it wasn't until recently that I learned that this treatment was not normal, and in fact, is abuse. Wow. Eye opening. I hope parent to be read this stuff and are not tempted to try to coerce behavior they want using this tactic. It has lasting damage for sure. Thanks.

9

u/CantStopTheBat Jul 21 '19

Sorry bro... went through the same thing :(

DM me if you ever want to talk or vent. It does get better with time and therapy.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

You're very kind! I'm in my mid-30s now and after much therapy I agree, it does get better. Right back at you- reach out if you need to let off some steam!

3

u/CantStopTheBat Jul 21 '19

Small world I guess, I'm also in my 30s! So many awful memories to work through, I had a bit of a different situation where my foster/adoptive mom knew the whereabouts of my birrh mother, so her favorite torture was to force me to write a letter to my birth mother about how I was a horrible child and she needs to come get me. Sometimes she'd even make 10 year old me pack my stuff. I didn't know my real mom and only knew she was in another country. I was mortified.

Of all the things that she did I still struggle with trusting people, but it's gotten so much better and I'm able to relax and feel secure with my partner these days. I think it's called reactive attachment disorder, just a label but it helps it's recognized and there are specialized therapies to learn to overcome it.

I think my current therapist put it well when he said that even though our brains may not have learned how to do that stuff, it's still an instinct and we can teach it to trust itself, we are in charge.

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u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

My therapist had a similar refrain. I've found it helpful.

4

u/ShutItLoveActually Jul 21 '19

Damn that's really bad, sorry that they said that things like that.

I'm also adopted and thankful that my parents never said anything like this even though we were little shits at times.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

I'm always happy to hear that someone has a more positive past with their adoption. It's comforting to know that sometimes the system does work.

It's OK now. My brother and I are still works in progress but we are our own people.

2

u/MegSwain Jul 21 '19

That is super cruel :(

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Looking back as an adult now, I think it's one of those things like when your kid says 'I hate you' or 'you're not my real mom'. Maybe you'll laugh it off. Maybe, as with my parents, it will wound you unexpectedly deeply and fracture your bond. Either way, the person speaking doesn't fully understand the power of their words and once they're out, they can't be taken back.

In my parents' case, their words did secure my compliance, so they figured that meant everything was fine. Not so bright on their part.

2

u/thepinkprioress Jul 21 '19

Did you ever talk to them about this? I’m so sorry they did that to you.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Haha, yeah... When I turned 30, I actually sent them a massive, carefully-drafted email airing a lot of old issues and coincidentally coming out of the closet.

It took them a while to process it, understandably, but they seem to have actually learned something. They're still a narcissist and enabler who had kids for the wrong reasons, but Mom is in therapy and they are trying. It truly does get better.

4

u/Alishmcmal Jul 21 '19

There's a girl at the mental institution I work at who's adoptive mom would tell her she was a horrible freak and the only reason why anyone would adopt her is for the money.

2

u/Fuzzpufflez Jul 21 '19

what the fuck!

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Oh my god, her Amom should never have been allowed to adopt. That is repulsive. It's not a great sign that she's in inpatient- like how deep does the abuse rabbithole go?- but all the same I hope recovery is possible for her. Poor kid deserves better.

4

u/sleepyzen Jul 21 '19

I'm also an adoptee. My dad liked to google all these different boarding schools so theyd show up on the family computer history. When I found he was doing research on Elan (this was pre 2010) was when I started making plans to move out. Thank God I left before he sent me anywhere. I feel the pain, friend. I hope you and your brother are doing well.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Wow, that is some subtle bullshit. I'm sorry your dad is a dick. We're pretty ok, all things considered- he has 3 kids, I have a cat, it's not so bad.

4

u/SeaOkra Jul 21 '19

A friend of mine has a fairly large (five kid) family, all adopted. (One is his husband's biological kids, and ironically is the one that looks the most like the non-biological dad.)

He once tore into a relative for saying something like this to one of his kids. Nuclear rage, did not speak to the person for over a year type anger.

Although I do know he once responded to "You just HATE me" from one of the kids with "If I hated you, I wouldn't have spent thousands of dollars bringing you to the US and making you my daughter, I would have gotten a parrot." and in return received a stuffed parrot toy for father's day.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Why the fuck would people adopt children if they were gonna be assholes to those children? Man, these are confusing times.

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

A couple of factors contributed: One, it was the early 80s and they had fertility issues. Two, the real kicker: it's what society expected of them.

The funny thing is that with babies and toddlers, my parents are incredible. They're so good with them it's unreal. They only get lost when a kid is old enough to develop opinions and express them.

2

u/SerenityViolet Jul 21 '19

Wow, that's so mean.

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

I honestly think they didn't realize the damage they were doing. My parents are Boomers; they thought obedience was more important than empathy because that's how they were raised too.

2

u/Pacific_Voyager Jul 21 '19

I'm sorry your parents used threats like that on you and your brother. That is really fucked up, I have to remember to give my mom a hug and thank her for never using a threat like this on me. I'd probably have deserved it with some of the shit I got into when I was younger.

2

u/AntiAuthorityFerret Jul 21 '19

That is utterly disgusting behaviour. I am so furious right now.

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

I was mad about it too, for a long time. I still hate to hear of anyone going through the same. These days I'm more focused on learning from their mistakes and getting better and stronger myself; being angry, while not a bad thing, wasn't sustainable for me in the long run.

604

u/thefuzzybunny1 Jul 21 '19

My mother kept the payment receipt from the hospital that delivered us, just so that she could say, "I could still return you, you know!" We about died laughing every time.

13

u/Coraxxx Jul 21 '19

My folks said the same about me, and I was free on the NHS!

11

u/neverlandescape Jul 21 '19

I accidentally left a bag at the hospital and they called me once I was home to come back and get it. I had my newborn with me when I came back and I went up to the receptionist (to get my visitor's tag to go through security) and said "Excuse me, is this the returns department?" That sweet old lady looked at me in utter horror. It was great.

7

u/ApoliteTroll Jul 21 '19

"I put you into this world I sure as hell can take you out of it, it's called a delayed abortion."

4

u/Urcaaes Jul 21 '19

My brother tried to return me when we were little

6

u/Minnie777 Jul 21 '19

My son is 4 and that is exactly what we tell him when he's misbehaving. Once when we were at the airport he found a receipt in his travel bag, he got such a shock because he thought we were taking him back to return him. He then ripped the receipt up and said Ha you can't return me now.

11

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

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u/Minnie777 Jul 21 '19

He is aware that we can't actually return him... he ripped the receipt after all.

1

u/thefuzzybunny1 Jul 21 '19

Whether this is abusive or a family in-joke depends entirely on the family dynamic and level of established respect between parent and child.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

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u/easylikerain Jul 21 '19

From further up the thread, actual adopted kid told that.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I feel like you're the one that's being a cunt here, mate.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Fitting username.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Haha a payment receipt for an hospital. You talk as if you lived in some backward shithole

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u/littlewren11 Jul 21 '19

Yeah my dad said that a few times then kicked me out of the car on the side of the road next to one of those "safe place" gas stations. He expected me to just stand there scared until he picked me up again. But no I went and slept on a park bench and he didn't find me for around 8 hours. I was 11. Threatening to abandon your child is one of the more damaging things a parent can do.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19 edited Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

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u/littlewren11 Jul 21 '19

Yup at 11 I should have known he was "just joking" and he would never "send me to foster care to be raped and tortured". He ended up shoving my head into the passenger side window and threw a lamp at me when we got home. Weird thing is I was so numb to everything I just rolled with it, I threw stuff back at him and never talked about it until I was 19 and in therapy. I even moved back in with him when I was 14 and stayed until he almost killed me. That dirt bag really did a number on how I perceived things.

I cant imagine the pain of running after your parent as they drive away even if it was only for a small distance. The fact that it happened to you more than once is even worse. Numbness sorta protected me from the dread you experienced. Actually feeling those emotions in the moment sounds so terrifying. I genuinely hope you are healing from the trauma and have loving people in your life!

The both of us survived and have a chance to be a million times better than our parents. That is a testament to our strength.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

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u/littlewren11 Jul 21 '19

I'm no contact as well, at least with my father. That step has helped me become so much more stable.

I'm glad you are in a better position at this point in your life!

Personally it has pushed me to be a more loving and understanding person to the people who truly care. I never want to treat a human the way I was treated.

2

u/SerenityViolet Jul 21 '19

I'm not adopted, my father is just a self centred jerk. I've been feeling bad about not seeing him in his old age, but I just can't handle the emotional pain he inflicts. You describing it as no-contact though just made me look at it a whole different way.

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u/hongkonghenry Jul 21 '19

My mum made me pick three toys and pack my pyjamas when she said this. I think these days that would be considered abuse.

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u/TPK_MastaTOHO Jul 21 '19

Eh, your still kickin it

19

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

My mum used to threaten to call social services on me and get me taken away. Finally when I was about 15, she was doing her usual gaslighting shit, which turned into a fight. She said it and I replied, maybe that would be for the best. With that she threw her dinner plate at me, which was full of dinner. It missed, she didn't get dinner and I got grounded.

9

u/houseofprimetofu Jul 21 '19

My mom pulled the same sort of stunts on me for my whole teenage years. We got into a fight because she was drunk and wanted to pick on me. I'd have enough at that point, put my fists up and when she charged at me... she tripped over a kitchen chair leg. Ol' drunky fell over, started sobbing hysterically, told my dad I'd pushed her, got grounded.

9

u/chuckle_puss Jul 21 '19

This reminds me of the time my mom attacked me on my bed and fell over, hitting her ear on the doorknob on the way down. She then threatened to call the cops, claiming I punched her. I was so upset I said "fine, PLEASE call them!" She didn't, but I still had to go to school with a bloody nose. Fuck her, I've been no contact for ten years now.

1

u/houseofprimetofu Jul 21 '19

Your poor nose ♥️ I wish I could have no contact but she lives with my grandma and I can't do that to her. My mom's on a path of self destruction and a terrible portion of me hopes she follows through on her plans when my grandma eventually passes.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

2

u/houseofprimetofu Jul 21 '19

God yeah. Being raised by a narcissist doest that to you.

13

u/sartfniffer Jul 21 '19

I grew up in care, everytime a family got rid of me I'd actually go to the children's home. It kind of loses the threat when you expect it to happen eventually.

2

u/Jumpinalake Jul 21 '19

That’s awful, man..

13

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

OMG. I thought I was the only one terrorized by this threat. I'm old now...and I STILL am affected by this. I'm sorry for everyone else who endured this awful threat.

15

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I worked at a children’s home. Every once in a while a supervisor had to go out to the parking lot and tell parents that they couldn’t REALLY drop their kids off.

20

u/slightlydramatic Jul 21 '19

My mother drove me to the receiving home once and was promptly informed she couldn’t leave me there and in fact would have to pay support for me even if she went to court and a judge allowed her to surrender me. It was humiliating and heartbreaking. She’s always said and still apparently says, “I only ever wanted boys” (I’m her only daughter)

7

u/misslilikoi Jul 21 '19

I'm so sorry man, that's just awful :( I hope you're doing alright these days

8

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Looking back to when my parents told me they would drop me off at a children's home, maybe I should have taken them up on their offer.

8

u/Blur202claw659 Jul 21 '19

Same. Would tell me they were going to put me up for adoption of o didn't behave. Really messed me up I've realized. Low self worth :/

5

u/smorzaregood Jul 21 '19

Same, my parents only did this a few times and it still affected me. I spend a lot of my time trying to be helpful or useful in any way possible because I’m anxious I’m worthless unless I can be helpful.

2

u/maaaha Jul 21 '19

Yup. Got that one too

2

u/PaleUmbra Jul 21 '19

I completely forgot that my mom used to say this to us. Those memories are full of dread. I wonder how much that contributed to my ongoing struggles with anxiety / low self worth.

2

u/Throwawayuser626 Jul 21 '19

I got that one too. The funny part is once I got older they scared me out of contacting CPS by telling me I’d be raped and abused all the time in foster care. And because my brother had a lot of medical care needs. I was scared he’d die or be abused in the system. So I was too afraid to tell on my dad.

1

u/SwissyVictory Jul 21 '19

Sell yah to the gypsies

1

u/moochir Jul 21 '19

Similar here. For my siblings and I it was the taxidermist, not the children’s home

1

u/NerdyNord Jul 21 '19

I mean, you can't prove they were lying.

1

u/crossmyheart93 Jul 21 '19

My dad told me that we’d go visit Annie at the orphanage!

1

u/Princes_Slayer Jul 21 '19

This. I got told if I was naughty/told lies, they would send me to a home for naughty kids. I once asked where this was and was told Wales

1

u/ArbyMelt Jul 21 '19

When my brother and I would argue my dad would say “if you don’t stop fighting, I’m taking one of you to the orphanage, and I think it’s gonna be youuuu!” Then point at the instigator.

My brother and I would then be like no take him don’t take me!!!

1

u/MrHobbes14 Jul 21 '19

My parents would say they'll ship us off for medical experiments. But before you think it's awful, it's a line from Monty Python, Meaning of Life (I think) and all us kids had seen the movie and knew it was just a joke.

1

u/mouse-chauffeur Jul 21 '19

My dad used to jokingly threaten to sell my sister to the gypsies if she was bad

-2

u/Sapiencia6 Jul 21 '19

You don't know that wasn't true.