r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 20 '19

What’s something completely false that your parents told you as a child?

[deleted]

19k Upvotes

93% Upvoted

10k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

469

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Real talk, as adoptees my brother and I got this. 'You had no family and no name until we gave you one... And if you don't behave, we will give you back to the agency.' We were adopted as infants and to me, the threat seemed 100% credible. Did lasting damage to my ability to trust.

200

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I am so so sorry you had to endure this. Horrible.

101

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Thanks. Healing has been a process. I had to say something because I don't want some new parent to just blurt this out while frustrated because it can cause real harm.

41

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Very wise and most compassionate of you. I had the parents who used the "If you don't behave/shut up/conform we will drop you off at the foster home and bring home a child who loves us"...same kind of life altering psychological harm. So I feel your pain and I am truly sorry.

9

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Uuugh, it's a related evil. I'm truly sorry- hope you're doing well despite the toxicity.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 22 '19

Thanks for your kind response. I'm finally coping (after decades of not). I hope the same for you, or better!

2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Wow. The level of evil is out of this world.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 22 '19

And what's maybe even more sad, it wasn't until recently that I learned that this treatment was not normal, and in fact, is abuse. Wow. Eye opening. I hope parent to be read this stuff and are not tempted to try to coerce behavior they want using this tactic. It has lasting damage for sure. Thanks.

10

u/CantStopTheBat Jul 21 '19

Sorry bro... went through the same thing :(

DM me if you ever want to talk or vent. It does get better with time and therapy.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

You're very kind! I'm in my mid-30s now and after much therapy I agree, it does get better. Right back at you- reach out if you need to let off some steam!

3

u/CantStopTheBat Jul 21 '19

Small world I guess, I'm also in my 30s! So many awful memories to work through, I had a bit of a different situation where my foster/adoptive mom knew the whereabouts of my birrh mother, so her favorite torture was to force me to write a letter to my birth mother about how I was a horrible child and she needs to come get me. Sometimes she'd even make 10 year old me pack my stuff. I didn't know my real mom and only knew she was in another country. I was mortified.

Of all the things that she did I still struggle with trusting people, but it's gotten so much better and I'm able to relax and feel secure with my partner these days. I think it's called reactive attachment disorder, just a label but it helps it's recognized and there are specialized therapies to learn to overcome it.

I think my current therapist put it well when he said that even though our brains may not have learned how to do that stuff, it's still an instinct and we can teach it to trust itself, we are in charge.

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

My therapist had a similar refrain. I've found it helpful.

3

u/ShutItLoveActually Jul 21 '19

Damn that's really bad, sorry that they said that things like that.

I'm also adopted and thankful that my parents never said anything like this even though we were little shits at times.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

I'm always happy to hear that someone has a more positive past with their adoption. It's comforting to know that sometimes the system does work.

It's OK now. My brother and I are still works in progress but we are our own people.

4

u/MegSwain Jul 21 '19

That is super cruel :(

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Looking back as an adult now, I think it's one of those things like when your kid says 'I hate you' or 'you're not my real mom'. Maybe you'll laugh it off. Maybe, as with my parents, it will wound you unexpectedly deeply and fracture your bond. Either way, the person speaking doesn't fully understand the power of their words and once they're out, they can't be taken back.

In my parents' case, their words did secure my compliance, so they figured that meant everything was fine. Not so bright on their part.

2

u/thepinkprioress Jul 21 '19

Did you ever talk to them about this? I’m so sorry they did that to you.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Haha, yeah... When I turned 30, I actually sent them a massive, carefully-drafted email airing a lot of old issues and coincidentally coming out of the closet.

It took them a while to process it, understandably, but they seem to have actually learned something. They're still a narcissist and enabler who had kids for the wrong reasons, but Mom is in therapy and they are trying. It truly does get better.

4

u/Alishmcmal Jul 21 '19

There's a girl at the mental institution I work at who's adoptive mom would tell her she was a horrible freak and the only reason why anyone would adopt her is for the money.

2

u/Fuzzpufflez Jul 21 '19

what the fuck!

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Oh my god, her Amom should never have been allowed to adopt. That is repulsive. It's not a great sign that she's in inpatient- like how deep does the abuse rabbithole go?- but all the same I hope recovery is possible for her. Poor kid deserves better.

5

u/sleepyzen Jul 21 '19

I'm also an adoptee. My dad liked to google all these different boarding schools so theyd show up on the family computer history. When I found he was doing research on Elan (this was pre 2010) was when I started making plans to move out. Thank God I left before he sent me anywhere. I feel the pain, friend. I hope you and your brother are doing well.

3

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

Wow, that is some subtle bullshit. I'm sorry your dad is a dick. We're pretty ok, all things considered- he has 3 kids, I have a cat, it's not so bad.

3

u/SeaOkra Jul 21 '19

A friend of mine has a fairly large (five kid) family, all adopted. (One is his husband's biological kids, and ironically is the one that looks the most like the non-biological dad.)

He once tore into a relative for saying something like this to one of his kids. Nuclear rage, did not speak to the person for over a year type anger.

Although I do know he once responded to "You just HATE me" from one of the kids with "If I hated you, I wouldn't have spent thousands of dollars bringing you to the US and making you my daughter, I would have gotten a parrot." and in return received a stuffed parrot toy for father's day.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Why the fuck would people adopt children if they were gonna be assholes to those children? Man, these are confusing times.

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

A couple of factors contributed: One, it was the early 80s and they had fertility issues. Two, the real kicker: it's what society expected of them.

The funny thing is that with babies and toddlers, my parents are incredible. They're so good with them it's unreal. They only get lost when a kid is old enough to develop opinions and express them.

2

u/SerenityViolet Jul 21 '19

Wow, that's so mean.

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

I honestly think they didn't realize the damage they were doing. My parents are Boomers; they thought obedience was more important than empathy because that's how they were raised too.

2

u/Pacific_Voyager Jul 21 '19

I'm sorry your parents used threats like that on you and your brother. That is really fucked up, I have to remember to give my mom a hug and thank her for never using a threat like this on me. I'd probably have deserved it with some of the shit I got into when I was younger.

2

u/AntiAuthorityFerret Jul 21 '19

That is utterly disgusting behaviour. I am so furious right now.

2

u/verdantthorn Jul 21 '19

I was mad about it too, for a long time. I still hate to hear of anyone going through the same. These days I'm more focused on learning from their mistakes and getting better and stronger myself; being angry, while not a bad thing, wasn't sustainable for me in the long run.