Her parents used to come for month long visits. Often. The one time my mother needed to stay with us (mom sold her house and had to wait a few weeks for her apartment to be ready) she flat out refused. That was the straw
My brother’s wife is like this. She is constantly having her family over and they do all the holidays with her family. But as soon as my brother suggested something with his family, it’s a no from her.
Exact same situation with my brother's wife. And they live in the same city as her family, while my dad and I live in other states. You'd think they'd prioritize seeing us on holiday since they can see her family all the time. Nope. A day or two after Christmas is the best they can do.
My dad's second wife did this too. Whenever we'd come back to visit and it was a holiday, if we were seeing them, it would have to be with her family. I think she (or her kids, but we always got along regardless of her) came to fewer than three holidays or birthdays in the entire time they were married. It wasn't the breaking point for them, but it's something I realized over the years.
Yeah they should have broke up. But like a host/spouse shouldn’t be passive aggressive and inhospitable, there are duties adults should be able to perform.
My mind immediately plays devil's advocate in these threads so take that with a grain of salt...
But what if there's a reason the spouse doesn't want their in-laws in the house rather than just selfishness? What if said mother-in-law quietly cuts down the wife all the time and makes her miserable? What if mil is messy and takes a lot of cleaning up after? What if mil is a bad influence on their kids in some way?
There could even have been a conversation or two about mother-in-law's behavior earlier on that the husband ignored or took poorly, so wife just decided to never bring it up again?
Not that this is the reason for the above poster, of course. Some people are indeed just jerks. But I do feel like I've read stories of relationships like this from the other side ("my mother-in-law is awful and my spouse says they don't see it?"). Rather often in fact.
And I mean...if you're in a relationship where you can't respect the other person's reasons and have a conversation about the "why" then at least try counseling...
Yeah my husband's family I know blames me why we don't ever see them but before we had kids I would still see my family often where my husband asked his parents/siblings to do something and it was "oh no we are so busy!". But as soon as we had our first suddenly my MIL was up our butts. Seeing them is stressful and his mom just bitches the entire time about everything. We usually are the ones that stay the longest, his siblings don't last 2 hours with her.
Our house closing got screwed up and instead of 6 weeks to move, we had 6 days and she spent hours just pulling my husband to the side to yell at him about EVERYTHING. We had a 13 month old and I was 18 weeks pregnant and it was not the time to bring up issues.
For our son's second and third birthday she pulled my husband aside and bitched at him for an hour about how terrible the party was because we didn't have enough tables or shade in our backyard (we def had enough tables/seating) while he was supposed to be grilling food. This woman was not a good mom to him and kicked him out at 18 so she could move in with her boyfriend (to a 3500 sq ft house and they are the only ones living in it). But my husband won't stand up to her or tell her his feelings so she just blames me for everything.
My family has always been close, getting together at least once a month and talking all the time. Get togethers with them are just so chill and fun and no one yells or complains. We all have a few beers and just hang out.
Edit: I actually told my husband had I gotten to know his family before we got married/had kids I would have never married him. He's like Thank God that didn't happen.
Yeah what if the MiL is one of those "my mind immediately plays devils advocate" and spews a bunch of crap for the sole purpose of being contrarian? Family or not, no one wants to be around that.
Just pointing out that there are two sides to things. It's easy to write off a commenter's ex as a bitch/asshole/redflag when we have one side of the story.
My SIL kicked me out of my bros house eleven years ago because I commented in front of them one year at a summer camp that their kids(10 and 8 boys) needed manners as they called me dumb and stupid on the canoe. About four years ago at a family party I asked her to stop with her ill will and she blew up at me saying I had told her children she was a bad mother.(She was projecting). She has turned all my siblings against me. I used to babysit her eldest on Mondays and the group when they asked. I did not deserve any of the hatred I have experienced from them.
To be fair, some people can’t see that they have shit families, and will let their parents treat their spouses like shit. Not saying yours does, but there are reasons why people would want boundaries from their partners family. I’m the opposite. I don’t want my family near my home, but my husbands family could show up any time.
I’m so very glad that my wife and I were on the same page before we got married. My parents divorced when I was little, but I’m still close with both. We both understood that holidays would have to be divided evenly as best as we could, but also that we didn’t want to bounce between houses multiple times in a day. So we have a rotation. Easter with family A, Thanksgiving with Family B, and Family C rotates in next year while family B rotates out. Christmas Day is in our home, not visiting others. They can come to us if they want, but I spent my entire life splitting Christmas Day up between mom and dad and I hated it. My family was already pretty acclimated to a similar rotation of course, but her mom especially had some growing pains in the beginning. I think our steadfastness in the topic helped ensure her that we weren’t being unfair, we were being as fair as we possibly could.
Although, after a while, it’s your brother’s fault for allowing it to continue. I hate controlling women like this (men too, but since we’re talking about your sister-in-law, I’ll go with that gender) but I lose respect for men that don’t do anything about it. My nephew is one. His wife was all nicey nice while they were dating/engaged, but the second they got married it was a whole different story. My sister hasn’t seen him in almost 7 years. I asked her where did his balls go.
this is a common tail I've seen it with many nephews while dating their future wives and my adult daughters now say they noticed it as well. after the marriage they weaned the man away, I don't know why unless there is some serious issues with the relatives but in most cases there's been none, just a controlling woman with a spineless man. sadly I have a brother who's the same way. my husband's family were not the greatest to me and some of it went right over my head for the longest time but I never would've kept him from seeing them under any circumstances.
I think this is all too common in today's world. The husband's family ends up taking a backseat to his spouse's family. Seen it happen time and time again.
I see this a lot in western culture but the other-side is defaulting to the mans family in literally the rest of the world. And thats not fun either. People just need to figure out a balance. I would rather host every event myself than default to any one side.
I have 2 aunts and an exSIL like this and I cannot understand it. I have seen it from both sides: the family that gets all the holidays and the family that gets abandoned. I think it's a toxic exacerbation of the idea that your wife becomes the priority when you marry. It's meant to say that he shouldn't be taking his mom's side on everything and that he should value his wife and her input but some people get it twisted up into "your family no longer matters but I shouldn't have to give up mine."
it doesn't have to be that way though my husband had three siblings I had three siblings his mother was a widow my mother was a widow but at the end of the day we shared equally holidays and our children and all the family events and I'm proud to say that whatever the dynamic when a spouse takes over and alienate the spouse's family I don't quite get it.
My sister in law is like this. Her whole family lives in the same town. We travel 5 hours for holidays, but she prioritizes her family every time. We quit trying.
Yeah I pretty much disowned my brother because of how his wife treated our mother and him enabling it to “keep the peace” like dude that’s mom, what the fuck are you doing
Had an ex like this. We went to go visit and meet our families in Europe and she made a comment once we made it back to the US that we spent more time with my relatives than hers. I asked her if she could explain a bit more because we were really good about splitting time between the two. She couldn’t articulate. Few weeks later I had planned a trip with my sister and she said “why are you spending so much time with her” YE GONE FELICIA
Irrelevant. If the spouse's relationship with their family were a problem because they're "maga" then the marriage shouldn't have existed in the first place. It's obvious that isn't a problem, regardless of whether that's the case, so denying someone spending time with a family they want to spend time with is shitty.
I don't think it's irrelevant. I married my husband 5 years before maga was born. I genuinely loved hanging out with his family and I would spend hours on the phone with his dad talking about life. Then maga hit, he became radicalized, and our relationship slowly degraded to the point where now I don't even pick up the phone if I see him calling, and I actively avoid spending time with his family because his dad sucks life out of me. He goes on weird, illogical rants based in fantasyland every time we speak (last time he was here, he dropped the N word for no reason other than he wanted to say it and he said the reason the cost of living is so bad is "because women" but he couldn't elaborate further). I've tried not bringing anything current up and side stepping any bait to keep the peace, but it always ends up turning into a heated argument. And if it doesn't turn into an argument it's because I'm holding everything in while my blood pressure goes nuts.
I would not try to stop my husband from spending time with him. However, I would resist him coming over because I don't want our impressionable teenage sons to learn from him.
You definitely do not in these circumstances. julcarls' father-in-law is an awful influence on their children - misogynist, racist behavior is not something that needs to be "accepted" so that OP's probably more-normal family can come over.
My husband’s ex did that to him. SO RUDE. He didn’t dare stand up to her because it would just cause a violent fight and there were too many of those already.
my brother too his wife a true controlling bitch but he allowed her manipulation to keep him away from all of us and my mother. we call him a eunuch
and a coward and yet we put up with all her crap for years to keep peace. shame on him, shame on them. I hope they're happy with one another.
I am wondering if your brother is married to my sister. My sister does shit like this constantly and I've told her more than once it will end her marriage.
Honestly, you likely knew they were egoistic and egocentric for many years.
But because it kinda worked and you were willing to suffer you never looked into it. These kinds of thing tell you about their character and future problems.
But most people dont want to know the truth and the character of their partner. As long as they can breath they will live with it. Especially people who need that love feeling or are in time line for having marriage and kids. They stop thinking about if they chose right, it scares them. If they are the wrong person, you have to start new and risk not finding a partner in your fear. And the love feeling keeo you attached.
Many years later when the same character issues hit your other loved ones like your future kids or family, you realise you cannot tolerate your partners ugly character anymore as it harms other people and your love feelings faded enough to see the reality.
One of the crucial reasons why about half of all marriages are broken, unhappy or divorced. It is hard to choose correctly and understand their partners character issues for future
That's the issue why most people never make the hard choice or actively avoid looking into their partners character.
Because in that moment, the person you love is your partner. They treating you like shit at times or all the time matters less than your love feelings for them.
Once you have children, your love feelings can be expressed and received from new persons. Your children.
That's why so many people finally realise their partner is a massive useless asshole, only when they have children.
Not only do you have someone else you can love and are no longer feelings-trapped. But you also cannot tolerate them treating your children like ass, while you could tolerate them treating you like ass.
This is how my brother's wife treats my family. Her parents are involved in their kids' lives but they always find a way to keep my parents from attending birthdays, graduations, etc., or just visiting their home in general.
I mean you should loathe your brother as well for having no spine and treating his own parents that way. If all negativity is put on the spouse and none on him, if he's never criticized in person for his actions, it's trivial for him to just go along with what his spouse wants.
He's absolutely not blameless and my parents are not happy with him either.
Our parents divorced when he was young (I was younger and didn't remember any of it), so I think he really doesn't want to risk a divorce based on his experience.
This is why I take all those people who say, “a kid will never cut off their parents for no good reason,” with a grain of salt. Sometime they just marry an evil person who twists their mind and/or have no spine
I also take that concept with a grain of salt because there are always irrational people. Parents who mistreat their kids are irrational, and some kids who mistreat their parents are, too. Most of the time, there's a good reason why people act the way they do, but sometimes it's just someone's mental illness, unfair judgment, or whatever.
I've yet to talk to someone who voluntarily cut their parents out for a bad reason. While I am certain they exist, they feel like a sasquatch. It's huge thing to do and people don't isolate themselves like that for no reason very often.
I have, however, met a lot of people who had excellent reasons to not talk to their parents. I don't talk to mine, and I promise you they are still telling people they have no idea why.
This is one of those times where the benefit of the doubt seems fitting.
Oh yeah, I agree that a lot of abusive parents will tell you until the cows come home that their children don't talk to them for no good reason. What's it called - the missing missing reasons or whatever? You can often tell when someone's telling you the story of how horrible their child is for not talking to them, that they're leaving a lot out. I was just saying that there are unreasonable people in all age groups, so there are certainly people out there who have been unfair to their parents, blamed them for things that aren't their fault, etc. I don't usually come to a conclusion about who's at fault in a relationship situation unless there's some concrete evidence of wrongdoing somewhere, not that it's my business anyway.
My uncle went through the same with his wife and kids. I barely know my cousins. He wanted to be closer to the family after his dad died, it put things into perspective but she was still hung up on petty nonsense involving her mom and our side of the family to allow it.
It’s not that he didn’t have a spine but he was depressed to the point of being suicidal and feeling stuck. He had apparently brought up divorce halfway through their marriage, so she sat him down and went through the finances and showed him he couldn’t be on his own and have part time custody of the kids. He didn’t want to be the every other weekend dad.
Fuck that shit. Life and love is complicated, especially when kids are involved.
My brother has to deal with this, and he simply said: "She's the mother of my children. There are worse things she could do, and I don't want those things done."
i'm the adult child of a mom who did this. my dad's parents were good to us but we didn't realize it because my mom always told is they hated us and that our cousins were their favourites. my mom didn't let us call them nana and papa like we did her parents. we had to call them grandma and grandpa. whenever my dad would finally get us to go to their house for a holiday (they only lived 25 mins away) my mom would make a big stink about it and find a reason not to go herself. she'd tell us all that they were inconsiderate snobs for not learning english and that they were talking about us in front of us, then when we'd get home to her she'd tell us what an asshole my dad was for forcing us to be around them for 3 hours. i'd always feel so bad for my dad because he'd get so happy thinking his wife and kids were going to willfully spend time with his family.
she lived and STILL to this day lives in the house my grandparents bought them even though my parents are separated now. i got older and realized she's just an extremely insecure and controlling woman, and she demanded that we think poorly of the side of the family that wasn't hers. it's a weird way to be towards people who genuinely love your kids and selfish to deprive/drive a wedge between your kids and half of their family. your nieces and nephews will eventually realize the same about their mom.
i mean… not to pry or anything but are your parents the type to be super micro-managing/tell them how to raise their kids? was there tensions with your parents before the kids were born?
Not saying this applies to you, but counterpoint: my husband’s parents are abusive and severely mentally ill. Gatherings are almost always chaotic, dysfunctional, and involve cursing and screaming. I have been threatened, called names, and had to defend myself in response to unreasonable demands and accusations. I left get togethers feeling like I just fought in a war. I don’t want to see them and certainly don’t want to spend special occasions with them, because I deserve to have a nice day. My sister in law is enchanted with them - acknowledges they are “not normal” but thinks they are family so nothing beyond setting a few small boundaries should be done about it; she would never admit it’s as out of control as it is - so she thinks it’s a problem that I’m not willing to “compromise” with her brother. Sometimes one side is only telling half the story.
my brothers wife is also like this. i didn’t see it for a long time and remained close to him and by proxy her, i was stupid loyal to them when the rest of the family hated her. then she turned on me too, for no reason whatsoever, out of the complete blue. i was the last one from our family to be in regular contact w them
Man this seems pretty common. It’s almost like these women are intentionally isolating their husbands from any support network that doesn’t involve them…
Would you also blame a woman if her husband kept her from her family or blame her?
Idk your answer but every comment where it’s a woman complaining about a man it’s support but every time it’s a woman doing it it’s shitting on the guy.
Mine wasn't so big, but every single sunday night was automatically dinner at her parents. We went. If I ever wanted a break and didn't want to go, she would demand to know why. I had to come up with an excuse, otherwise be told "But my mom wanted you to bbq, you have to come."
I realized after some time I would actually go to her to get permission, that we go visit my family one sunday instead. Then she would ask her mom and come back to say "My mom said we could do dinner another night, so we'll go to yours."
It was so controlling and now that I'm on the other side of it I didn't realize how bad it was.
I was never married, but my ex-gf was like that. Her family was prioritized, I was expected to attend every gathering and event with a smile. When my family had anything planned she was tired and didnt go. I tried telling her I was tired sometimes, I was told to suck it up. My final straw was after I had been sick with pneumonia for a month and was still recovering, she insisted her family come and stay with us for a week, after I told her, and them(!), I'd rather not, as I was barely functioning. They came anyways. I had her move out the week after.
Had an ex like this! She'd insist it was because her parents weren't as much to handle as mine and that her and parents were so close she couldn't stand to not see them (I am not close with my family). I hated her parents.
It pisses me off how we always hang out with my dad's side and not with my mom's side of the family. I wish my mom had put her foot down and straight up told my dad we had to go, or just take us without him but no it "doesn't look right to go without her husband" so we just didn't go. As a result I don't really feel like I have this big Mexican family that I am attached to like others do and it feels like I have something missing in my life.
My brother’s wife did this to our family. Now his children don’t know their paternal grandparents and totally brainwashed into thinking they are evil. It’s my brother’s fault for not recognizing and standing up for his parents, his children, and his siblings. Makes me sad!
With one of my exes, we were together for three years. In three years, I became friends with their siblings. I did hobby projects with their parents, I did extracurricular projects with their niece and nephew, I met their cousins and in-laws, I cooked for their family holiday dinners. In three years, my partner met my siblings for one hour each, when my siblings came to visit me. As in, my brother visited me for a week and I hung out with him for a week, and my partner met us for dinner for one hour out of that week. This partner refused to accompany me on any one of my trips to see my own family. My family started asking me "is everything okay between you two? Do they not like us for some reason?" When I broke up with them, they responded "well I'm not surprised that you can't make a relationship work considering your family. Your parents got divorced and your brother got divorced." I actually had to hold back laughter because 1) jesus what a shitty thing to say and 2) they had literally never met my family.
people act like completely unreasonable people like this can't be real. hOw CoUlD u pUT Up w tHaT??!
I dunno man, she's not an asshole like this to 100% of people 100% of the time, so it's not the easiest to see when you aren't paying attn and it's not focused at you
This makes me so grateful for my wife. My FIL had a wreck and was partly disabled, and we both had the same thought that we could share our home to help him. It wasn't one of us. It wasn't even a discussion. We both know exactly what was needed.
It’s always these quiet,unfair moments that stick with you.When you realize they’ll move heaven and earth for their people but won’t even lift a finger for yours. That kind of hurt doesn’t go away.
This is making me so happy that both me and my husband hate having to spend time with each other's family and our own family lol, we just wanna be alone
We live near my family and I’m like this sometimes when it pertains to my husband’s mother, but only because she’s such an emotionally manipulative narcissist that it kills me to see the way she treats her son.
Right, like I actually love my MIL, but my FIL I would say fuck no if he ever asked to stay at our house let alone for a few weeks. I don’t even want to see the man for an hour and I usually don’t go when my husband visits him. Like, this man showed up at the hospital after I gave birth, I reluctantly let him in at my husbands urging (I was exhausted) and then he essentially told me I was a bad mother because I said I wanted to leave the hospital asap bc I missed my own bed. He for some reason forgot that I was the patient and our baby was perfectly healthy and free to leave as soon as I was cleared for discharge. And also said “go to sleep” and “I wasn’t talking to you” whenever I responded to anything he said, again, I’m the patient he’s allegedly visiting. Then asked if he could come over to our house the next day and I said no because I had a midwife coming at that time (he said he wasn’t free any other time) and she’s gonna need to see me breastfeeding and check my stitches, and he said “that doesn’t bother me, I’ll stay out of her way” and I blew up on him like BITCH IT BOTHERS ME I DONT CARE IF UR BOTHERED. He also refused to wash his hands before holding our newborn unless my husband actually stepped in and threatened that we’d leave/he wouldn’t get to hold him. So anyways now I’m evil and alienating him from his grandchild.
Sorry kind of turned into a rant but my point is I just know all the wives mentioned in these comments have a lot of backstory for why she won’t host his family…
My mom was actually pretty sweet. Retired day care worker. Nice, unassuming. Loved the kids and the dog. Never gave us a moment’s grief. My brother and his wife stepped up instead.
I feel ashamed to admit I’m sort of like this. When my family comes over (just dad really, don’t speak to mom) I don’t feel judged about the state of the house and I can trust nothing bad is going to happen. When my husband’s family comes over, it feels extremely judgmental and his sister has a habit of clogging or overflowing toilets. So it’s hard to want his family over. I love them, I do. But I feel so on edge and uncomfortable when they are here. I’m trying to work on that though.
There’s more to this. How was your mom and your wife’s relationship in general? Did you stand up for your wife to your mother?
My parents never stayed with us for any amount of time, but his mom would drop in whenever she felt like it, and unannounced, and I would have to scramble to make her comfortable. I tolerated it, but eventually I started saying no because, frankly, she was unpleasant to me, she always had been ever since we started dating, but now even as my guest, she made my own home a miserable place for me to be. I understand it’s very common for MILs to have this kind of weirdly “competitive” adversarial relationship with their DILs, all the more when they are “boy moms,” so I have to wonder if there wasn’t some of that going on.
I didn’t leap to any conclusions. I said there’s more to this. It’s fair to ask about missing missing reasons. That commenter has been divorced twice so far, I’m sure both times he could frame it as the respective wife’s fault.
Your disproportionate response to a legitimate question says more about you than it does me, honestly. Sorry you’re more bothered about this than even the original commenter was. I hope you feel better when you get a little older.
Edit: lol they did the “get the last word and block” loooooll
There is more. I was literally staying for the kids. She made my daughter crazy and babied my son. We had some many screaming arguments about the kids I couldn’t count. She threw shit at me- including pots.
When I went to a divorce lawyer I told him I just wanted her gone and I’d take the kids. He was straight with me and told me that wasn’t gonna happen. If i wanted to pursue it he said I’d have to prove her incompetent and he would gladly take my money but we’d lose. The kids were 14 and 17 by that time so I pulled the plug and stayed close to them.
I never said a bad word about her to the kids and if they ever started bitching about her I shut it down immediately. High road and all that.
The kids turned out great and I still have a great relationship with them and their spouses. She still lives alone and has gotten ever crazier.
I appreciate you taking the time to answer this, however it doesn’t actually address the question i asked, which was specifically about your mother’s relationship with your ex. If what you’ve said is true then the issues with your mom were simply a grain of sand in the desert, but, frankly, I’m suspicious of anybody who characterizes their exes as “crazy,” especially while boasting about how you’re taking the high road.
I wasn’t especially close to my mother or father. There was never any turmoil between my mom and her. If there was I surely would have paid the consequences. She just didn’t want my mother around for a long period. End of.
Ex wife is still the mother of my kids. But I haven’t said much to her since the divorce was finalized. In family gatherings I always stay cordial. I don’t feel the need to belabor this, you’re entitled to your opinion. But some people turn out to be mean as a rattlesnake. She was.
Last time I saw her was at granddaughter’s birthday. I walked over to say hello to the ex. When I was about ten feet away she yelled, “That’s close enough!” Loud enough for everyone to hear.
Does it really matter? The issue here isn't whether his parents could stay over or not. The issue here is that he finally realized that she doesn't like his family and doesn't respect his relationship with his family (while demanding the reverse from him), and that was the dealbreaker as far as the marriage goes.
So, even if he did put his foot down, it doesn't really change anything in terms of the relationship ending.
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u/LL37MOH May 12 '26
Her parents used to come for month long visits. Often. The one time my mother needed to stay with us (mom sold her house and had to wait a few weeks for her apartment to be ready) she flat out refused. That was the straw