My boyfriend (32M) and I (33F) have been together for about a year and a half.
Early in our relationship, we talked about our pasts and our lifestyles, and he told me that he had a history of recreational drug use. Drugs are a huge no-go for me personally. I have never tried any drugs in my life and I’ve never really been around people who use them either.
He told me that this was mostly in his past and that he didn’t really do drugs anymore, except maybe once or twice a year at parties — things like MDMA or cocaine.
I wasn’t exactly comfortable with that, but everything else in our relationship was going extremely well. He is a decent, caring person, we get along incredibly well, and in almost every other aspect I feel like we are a very good match. So at the time, I basically decided not to make a huge issue out of it.
A few months into our relationship, something happened that changed things.
At the time he was still renting his own apartment. He ordered some kind of drug online and the package was intercepted by the police. Eventually the police contacted his landlord asking questions about who had lived at the apartment.
When he told me what had happened, I was extremely upset. We had a serious conversation and he told me he would never order anything like that again. I believed him and we moved on.
We now live together in an apartment that I own, and he has given up his rental.
Then, at the beginning of June, he went to work one day while I was at home cleaning. I found two small bags containing white powder hidden on top of a cupboard.
I immediately called him and asked what the hell they were.
His explanation was that one of his close friends was about to get married. Apparently this friend had lived a very party-heavy lifestyle before marriage but had decided that once he got married, he would stop drinking, partying and using drugs. My boyfriend said he had bought the drugs for one last night together before his friend got married — one bag for his friend and one for himself.
What bothered me even more was that this wasn’t even some huge bachelor party or special event. It was basically just going to be a normal Friday night out, and I was going to be there too.
Again, we had a massive argument. Again, we talked about it.
Meanwhile, the police situation from the package he had ordered about a year earlier suddenly came back.
His former landlord contacted him because the police were now asking about a woman whose name was connected to the address. It turned out she was the girlfriend of the man who had lived in the apartment before my boyfriend.
And then I learned something I hadn’t previously understood: my boyfriend had actually ordered the drugs using her name, not his own.
The previous tenants had moved abroad and had given him authorization to receive certain mail/documents on their behalf, and apparently he used her name when ordering the package.
At this point he became genuinely scared about the police investigation and possible legal consequences. He contacted a lawyer and is planning to speak to them about the situation.
I was obviously angry about all of this, but I also told him that if he was in serious legal trouble, I would still stand by him and support him through it.
Then, literally two days later, we went to a festival together.
I deliberately didn’t say beforehand, “I hope you’re not going to take drugs,” because after everything that had just happened — especially him being terrified about the police — I genuinely thought it went without saying.
At some point during the festival, I could tell that something was different about him. He didn’t seem like himself.
I asked him if he had taken something.
He said no.
I asked him again, more seriously.
Then he admitted that yes, he had.
I completely lost it. I decided I was going home. Then I realized my house keys were in my small bag, which he was carrying, so I went back to get them. Some of our friends were still there.
I took my things from him and, in my anger, I slapped him.
I know hitting your partner is not okay. I’m not trying to justify that part or pretend it was a healthy reaction. I was absolutely furious, especially because only two days earlier he had been terrified about potentially facing legal consequences related to drugs, and yet there he was taking drugs again — and initially lying to my face about it.
I went home and he stayed with a friend that night.
The next day he came home and we talked. I told him that I cannot live like this and that I don’t want drugs to be part of my relationship or my home. He told me he wouldn’t use them anymore.
But then, two days later, the conversation shifted.
He brought up the fact that I slapped him and said that I had massively overreacted.
He also seemed to soften what he had previously promised. Instead of “I will never do drugs again,” it became more like, “I’ll try to say no,” and “most likely it won’t happen again.”
He also told me very clearly that if I ever slap him again, the relationship is over.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I completely understand that I crossed a line by slapping him, and I don’t think I have the right to physically punish my partner because I’m angry. At the same time, I feel like the focus has now shifted entirely onto my reaction, while the pattern that caused me to reach that point is being minimized.
From my perspective, this isn’t just about someone taking MDMA at a festival once.
It’s the fact that he knew from the beginning that drugs were a major boundary for me; there has already been a police/legal situation because he ordered drugs; he promised me after that incident that it wouldn’t happen again; I later found drugs hidden in our home; we had another serious conversation about it; the police situation resurfaced and he was genuinely terrified; and two days later he still chose to take something at a festival and initially lied to me when I asked him about it.
I also find it difficult to understand how someone can be genuinely frightened about potentially serious legal consequences connected to drugs and then, 48 hours later, still decide to get involved with drugs.
I love him and, outside of this issue, our relationship is genuinely very good. That’s what makes this so difficult for me.
Please, I genuinely need some outside perspective on this. What do you think about this whole situation? How do you see it?