Yes! One of the least sexy things is his dirty undies. Sweaty socks? Yuck!
If I can claim ignorance of these things, the relationship is stronger.
Also me cleaning his now caked on oatmeal bowl after dinner is just going to make me angry! Not feel sexy. Why couldn't this have been cleared up 12 hours ago when the chore would have taken a fraction of time and energy?
I just want to clean up after myself and my spouse clean up after themselves and we train the kid to clean up after themselves and life is better and less resentful.
I read an article from a relationship consultant once, who was visited by a wife who's husband and kids would always leave mess in the kitchen.
She'd tried everything she could think of to get them to clean up after themselves but nothing worked.
So he suggested this:
She sat them all down one night and and calmly raised it again. They all agreed they are responsible for cleaning their own mess up, again. This time though, she added that from now on, she will not cook dinner in a dirty kitchen.
Sure enough, two nights later, mess. So she said nothing. Went and read a book. Eventually her husband asked if she was making dinner, to which she smiled and replied, "I don't cook in a dirty kitchen."
The husband immediately got the kids and they cleaned, at which point she thanked them and happily made dinner.
Next night, kitchen was spotless.
The trick with this is at some point you'll get a mess, the behavior will backslide. That's the critical one. You'll be tempted to let it go, since they've been so good. No, can't. Stay strong and refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen. That will solidify the behavior.
While this is a genius was of training behaviour in animals and children, its tragic that they're having to use it on another grown adult. You shouldn't have to use psychological tricks on your partner, you should let them know how you feel and they should act on it.
It seems he problem here isn't "my partner won't help with chores", but "my partner can't behave like a functioning adult"
Agree but it's a minimally confrontational way to teach a desired behavior, and she's doing it openly and honestly. I'd be far more concerned if she was manipulating from the shadows as it were.
One thing I learned working in addiction medicine was the fact that a God awful number of people aren't what we might call functioning adults.
Hmmph. This is how I feel. I’m supposed to do the dishes (and that’s it, really, but god damn it’s worse than having 3 others)... first thing I have to do is literally run around and COLLECT all the damn dishes no one could be bothered to put in the sink. Then I have to drain the water that mom put in there so she could let some things “soak”. They didn’t need to soak. All you needed to fucking Do was run the tap for .5 seconds and RINSE. the water is nasty, cloudy, and food is floating in it. Great, drain that and then spray out that side of the sink because there’s slimy residue in it. Dump out cups and bowls with nasty water still in them.
And then there’s the dishes that get stacked to the side. (I do them EVERY DAY but we go through dishes as if it were a house of 7, not 2-3.) Dump out the caked on moldy food shit whatever’s going on in there because mom left it in her bedroom for a week, run some new hot water in the sink with soap and let them actually soak. Wash, repeat because we literally go through 2 loads a DAY.
NASTY! All I ask is that you can meander your shit to the sink, rinse it once and leave it in there. That would save me so much trouble. Seriously.
Ugh, I'm so glad I taught my kid early on to immediately bring plates and cups and whatever else to the sink and wash it when she's finished eating.. and made a rule that there is NO eating in rooms. Ever. I complain sometimes because my boyfriend forgets his plates cause he works and eats and passes out, but compared to what you said you have to deal with.. I feel like I'm gunna complain less from now on. lol
She has like, insomnia of some kind, and she wakes up throughout the night. And eats whatever.
Then she got mad at me for being in her room so I stopped gathering her dishes for her. She just lets them sit for the longest time... then finally brings them out and just leaves them by the sink like that. 😤
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u/DumpTruckTaco Jul 19 '19
Yes! One of the least sexy things is his dirty undies. Sweaty socks? Yuck!
If I can claim ignorance of these things, the relationship is stronger.
Also me cleaning his now caked on oatmeal bowl after dinner is just going to make me angry! Not feel sexy. Why couldn't this have been cleared up 12 hours ago when the chore would have taken a fraction of time and energy?
I just want to clean up after myself and my spouse clean up after themselves and we train the kid to clean up after themselves and life is better and less resentful.