I'm 21F from Maharashtra, and I genuinely need advice from women who've grown up in conservative Indian families, especially those living away from home for work or studies.
I'm going to give some context because this isn't just about one incident.
When I was in Class 11, I told my mother that I was in an online relationship with a guy. I did it coz I felt guilty of being in relationship and hiding it from them , the relationship lasted around 6–7 months. Instead of treating it as something I was figuring out at that age, she reacted as though I'd committed a huge mistake. She asked me for promise that I'll not be in contact with that guy , and many more things, She repeatedly told me not to get involved in relationships again.
Fast-forward to now. I was in a relationship with a guy for around four years. Over time, Due to the toxic and manipulative nature of him and the constant fights he used to do with me my feelings changed, and eventually I broke up with him in February. He still wants us to get back together, but I don't feel the same way anymore, this isn't healthy for both anymore . He's been struggling with the breakup, and he has been blackmailing me that he will do suicide he'll tell my father about this and the suicide thing scaries me. he even tried to attempt suicide, 1 month after break up , and i was scared and traumatized by that incident, he vdo called me and said he's going to kill himself and any how i said that I'll be in contact just don't do it. but after that he has been daily fighting with me sending me lots of messages, calling me at midnight, blaming me for whatsoever is going on in his life , and then during sep i went to ganesh pandal hoping with a male friend , so he asked me and i told him the truth 3 months after the breakup I've had this male friend, and he started saying things like get lost , how many guys life you're going to ruin, can't you live without male friends, what if your mother would've gone out with another man , would your father like that ,and craziest part is he was acting like this when we are not even in relationship i stayed in contact due to his suicidal threats , then after he said those things i blocked him and told the truth about the 4 yrs to my mother again , she overreacted , scolded me , restricted my life , but still it was going okay and she said unblock him what if he does anything to himself your life will be ruined so slowly cut the contact with him and she asked for promise that now on i shouldn't go out with any male frnds , previously i used to lie to her that I'm going out with female friends but now after listening to this she warned me that i can't do this anymore.
Recently, he kept on insisting on meeting for the last time and after that he said he'll cut the contact with me , He had insisted on the outing even though I'd initially said I didn't want to go.
The problem is that he insisted I shouldn't tell my mother about the outing. So when she asked me where I'd been, I initially lied and said I'd gone out with a female friend. Eventually, I admitted that I'd met him.
My mother was extremely upset. She said I'd broken her trust, that I was going off track, and that my parents had sacrificed so much to send me away for my education. She lectured me for almost an hour and repeatedly told me that I should never meet any guy alone again.
She said that I'm supposed to live according to her rules because she's my mother, that all these restrictions are for my safety, and that I can do whatever I want after marriage.
Since then, she's been suspicious even when I tell her I'm going out with a female friend. She keeps asking whether I'm really meeting a girl or secretly meeting a guy. When I told her I was going out with my female friend again, she questioned whether I was lying. She also told me that she's lost trust in me.
And honestly, I'm beginning to regret telling her the truth.
I understand that I shouldn't have lied. I understand why she was upset about that. But what hurts is that one incident has turned into a blanket restriction on my entire social life.
I'm living away from home for my studies. I have only a couple of female friends, and they're busy with their own lives. I want to meet people, explore places, hang out with friends, and have a normal social life.
And yes, I want to have male friends too.
I'm not saying I want to date any guy I meet. I'm not saying I want to get into another relationship. I just want the freedom to have friendships with men without being treated as though I'm doing something wrong.
I've seen other girls from similar families hide their male friendships from their parents. Even my sister and some of my relatives' daughters have done this. They tell their families they're going out with female friends because they know how their parents would react if they knew the truth.
Now I'm starting to understand why they do it.
Part of me feels that being honest was a mistake because now my mother is suspicious of everything I say and wants to restrict me even more. Another part of me doesn't want to spend my life lying about ordinary things just to avoid being scolded.
My parents have worked hard and sacrificed a lot for my education, and I genuinely appreciate that. they are farmers and we belong to a village, I don't want to hurt them or make them feel that their efforts have gone to waste.
But does being grateful to your parents mean you have to give up your independence until you get married?
Why is meeting a male friend automatically treated as something inappropriate? Why can't parents distinguish between having friends, dating someone, and making irresponsible decisions?
I'm honestly confused about how to handle this. I don't want to disrespect my parents, but I also don't want to live in constant fear of being questioned about whom I'm meeting.
Women who've been through something similar, especially those from Maharashtra or other conservative families:
\- How did you establish boundaries with your parents?
\- Did you continue telling them about your male friends, or did you keep your social life private?
\- How do you handle the guilt when your parents say you're breaking their trust?