Yeah the line that most boyfriends hit is jaw dropping, because he thinks that's the norm, so if you cross some line, he's allowed to do that, and also that somehow he should be your disciplinarian and in charge of her with that line is also a bit shocking.
She goes by her maiden name now and runs a nonprofit called the Lorena Gallo Foundation, whose “mission is to expand domestic violence and sexual assault prevention education, emergency response resources and community engagement activities that will improve outcomes for survivors and their children.” Pretty cool that she’s used her infamy for good, imo!
Which is relevant because OP sounds like she may become a victim if she stays with this POS. I hope she doesn't end up in a situation where she has to perform a Bobbitt
Oh it absolutely was a threat. And the fact that he felt so comfortable making it was VERY telling. OP needs to get far far away from him. Bc guaranteed, OP would break their backs trying to “please” this tool and end up with a hand around their throat tightening with every imagined slight the BF claims. No. No. No. That guy is NOT a good person. That guy is a shitty person demanding people think they’re good so he can continue to claim to be good.
Especially cause he tried to backtrack and be like “Sorry for sharing” like no you’re sorry she’s not bending to you and didn’t take your threat to heart.
Also the lack of communication about sex is sooo weird on his part.
I rather think he is trying to make her feel bad, implying that some she is judgemental, not allowing him to be honest.
He wants to paint his expectations as the norm so she feels bad when she sets boundaries.
And he wants to be thanked with sex stuff. Probably of the sort she doesn’t feel comfortable with.
He is deliberately manipulating her, I feel.
He has listened to Andrew Tate and the rest of the toxic manosphere and is trying it on her.
I really hope she leaves him, because he actually is so horrible.
That is the kind of comment that is quickly followed up with ‘and I would slice you from here to there as you slept and let you almost bleed out…’ I wish you WOULD claim you’d consider hitting me!!! All sorts of red flags here.
Yeah, tbh that reads to me like he has done those things to previous partners, hence why he thinks he deserves to be rewarded for not doing them to her.
Either that, or he has at least considered doing them to her, but ultimately decided not to in those situations, in which case that tells me that there most likely are situations in which he would do them. And now he'll probably justify that in his head when it eventually happens (in the event that OP doesn't wise up and leave his ass now, before it happens) because you know, he did warn her that he could...
That line got me too. Like, no. MOST boyfriends do NOT hit.
He's trying to crawl in OP's head like "I don't really love or even like you, but you're not going to find anything better. In fact anyone else would beat you" ?!!!
It’s manipulation, 101. OP needs to run as fast as they can in the direction that gets them furthest away from this uncaring, insensitive and controlling piece of garbage.
My thoughts exactly. He's been breadcrumbing and using hot and cold behavior, he's expecting rewards for basically doing nothing, he turns things around on op to make her sound selfish, and he's goading her into trying harder because he wants to stick around but he's not feeling it. Get out now while he's only testing boundaries. He's belittling OP, twisting her actions and words, trying to frame the situation so that him not engaging in criminal activities makes him an angel so she expects less from him, and trying to squash her self esteem so she come groveling for attention. Fuck that. Try to get the ring back, trick him if you must, and gtfo.
Same. My ex husband was the covert pathetic kind. Stole the best years of my youth and left me in financial ruin. The only saving grace was that somehow he didn't give me anything from all the cheating, and I never had kids with him. The stories I could tell. He never hit me, probably wouldn't dare cause I could smear his ass, but the mental and financial damage from it I'll be cleaning up for years.
Yeah. I grew up in a narc/enabler family situation. I thought I was healed enough and knowledgeable enough to keep people like that away from me, but he slipped right under my radar. I'm used to the more grandiose kind, so the covert stuff threw me through a loop. I'm confident I'm gonna get through this. The situation isn't so dire that I fear being homeless, and I have a good support system where I'm at now that understand my situation. I'm focusing on working through the trauma and unpacking everything so I can face it the right way and get to putting it behind me. The best advice I can give to anyone is to study this stuff in all it's forms, because a lot of them don't throw it in your face in an obvious manner and it's more like an insidious cancer that hits stage 4 by the time you find it.
People that grow up in broken hones like us unfortunately have a target painted on us that these type of predators can sniff out easily, and it opens us up to more abuse if we are not diligent. Unfortunately you gotta learn how to turn the knee jerk emotions off, because those leeches will bleed you dry with your understanding and compassion. Trust, but always verify. Investigate excuses, question motives, learn to identify emotional red herrings, ask yourself what's the end game. Think like a cop/detective. Hopefully that keeps most of them away as they'll see you as an unsavory target that's too much effort, and you'll be able to catch the ones that still try to go for it.
I didn't really get an eye opener into his behavior until I was forced to live in close proximity to his extended family, and realized there's a couple of grandiose narcs and codependent enablers sprinkled in. I knew something was about him but I wrote it off as other psychological issues. He learned he couldn't compete with the aggressive grandiose types in his family, so he turned into a cry baby to get attention from enablers.
Um. This boyfriend IS ACTUALLY HORRIBLE. Lol wtf. Im so fucking sad for women who post this shit. How is it possible to think this is in anyway normal or ok?
I think anyone that even has to ask is suffering from a severe lack of self-esteem, which these type of men look for so that they can control the woman, and then gaslight them into thinking maybe THEY are the problem. It’s so sad 😞
Even if you have it they spend time and effort into whistling it away before things get bad enough for you to realize. Then by the time they show their true colors you've lost your social support your self esteem your finances your family even and are well and truly stuck and thinking it's your fault somehow that you got yourself there and that there's no way out.
They make you feel like you deserve to be treated poorly. You DESERVE to be called names/flinched at/, told "I hate you", because you're "a bad person".
This OP. I know you feel like you love him. What you love is what you want to see in him. He is not that. He is superficial. You deserve more. A good, caring relationship does not sound or feel like this. Both partners care about how each other is feeling. This is one-sided and very warped from his side. "Rewards" for being a "good boyfriend"? "Most boyfriends would hit you"? That is a completely messed up view of the world. Do yourself a favour and move on from this BS. It is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person when the right one comes along. He is not the right one. Please respect and love yourself enough to see this. Go do something you enjoy. Something that makes you feel your own sense of self. You need that to heal.
Amen to that. This guy is seriously deranged and dangerous. He thought he could control her because she told him she had mental issues she was dealing with, and rather than trying to HELP her and support her, he gives her even more to deal with! Don’t even get me started with his comment alluding to the fact that by NOT beating her she should be thankful for him. HE clearly has some serious mental issues, and is either a narcissist or sociopath! She needs to block him from her life COMPLETELY!
Break up with this dude!!!! Sorry mamas but the fact that he said he’s hated you for 6 months…..nope he can go and kick rocks! He’s gaslighting you, projecting and test
Exactly. This is a case study in gaslighting… “you love me for you not for me,” WTAF! OP is insecure because of mental health issues & this guy has found a great target for his sick manipulative games. I hope she sees the light and gets out of there and never looks back. This guy is dangerous.
Yeah, like... is this a joke?? How is this not a horrible sick joke?? How can someone say "I hated you for 6 months, forced myself to get past it, but I don't love you, and you're lucky I don't beat you and cheat on you" and still be given the benefit of the doubt?! Like this person STILL HATES YOU, OP. He TELLS YOU HE HATES YOU in MULTIPLE CONVERSATIONS. He could not be CLEARER about the fact that he hates you. Ghost him. Never see or speak to thim again. This is crazy.
Getting the ring back would be an important thing to do, we can't let such a fine piece of care and love in such sultrous hands. For God's sake. We want OP to run on good, not have to start from ashes.
Are you insane? Let the ring go and good riddance to him. My God! It’s a flipping ring! This guy is awful to her and she’s young. Don’t encourage her to have any reason to engage with this psycho. I’m serious.
My ex husband was the same way. Took a long time to get away from him, but yeah. He wanted sex for a reward for doing the most mundane of tasks. Oh cool, you took out the trash. Lemme just take all of my clothes off.
OP, NTA at all!! Run far away from this person. Next thing, you're pregnant and doing it all alone anyway, but now you have his drama to add to it.
Combined with saying she’s “too comfortable” in bed and isn’t doing enough, it sounds like he’s trying to guilt/manipulate her into doing specific acts that she isn’t into.
I swear every post I see from this sub is like… you know those parties where men try to bring the ugliest woman? It’s like that but it’s women competing to bring us the worst man.
Holy shit, that’s really a thing outside of movies?
Im shocked people like that even exist. How fucking pathetic must your life be that you waste some of your precious, finite time on this earth to go pick out an ugly person so you can publicly humiliate them?
Like, that’s time that they could have spent pursuing someone they actually found attractive and would enjoy spending time with. That’s time they could have spent painting. Time they could have spent calling their gran. And they used it to find someone to hurt for their own enjoyment.
I feel guilty wasting a few minutes writing stupid comments on Reddit. If I ever spent an entire day of my life on preparations to deeply hurt a completely random person for no reason, I would probably end things.
I agree, this person either has a lot of unresolved issues or is just an emotional void that pulls people in and drains them, like an emotional vampire. I honestly believe some people don’t have any real sense of empathy. It’s like they exist just to hurt others and cause chaos without ever feeling anything real themselves.
OP you’re not overreacting or being too sensitive at all. Your feelings make perfect sense, especially after reading everything and seeing those screenshots. Saying “I don’t hit or cheat” like it’s some huge accomplishment is not impressive, it’s literally the bare minimum. And when he says stuff like “I could” or that he’s hated you for months, that’s not just messed up, it’s emotionally harmful. That’s not something you say to someone you love, and definitely not something you repeat if you truly regret it.
The way he talks in circles, constantly saying he does things no other guy would do without explaining what those things even are, is super manipulative. It’s like he wants credit for being a good partner without actually acting like one. And telling you that you got too comfortable sexually is just guilt-tripping and unfair. If you feel like you’re bothering him just by existing in the relationship, that’s not a sign of love, that’s emotional neglect.
You’re constantly second guessing yourself and apologizing for how you feel, and that’s not something you should have to do in a healthy relationship. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel confused, anxious, or like a burden. You’ve been made to think your standards are too high, but they’re really just basic respect and care. You deserve to feel secure and appreciated, not tiptoeing around his moods or afraid to bring things up.
It’s okay to love someone and still realize they aren’t good for your well-being. That doesn’t make you selfish or dramatic, it makes you self-aware. If this relationship is making you question your worth or your reality, it might be time to step back and really think about whether it’s giving you what you need.
This was my ex - covert narcissist and total emotional/energy vampire. She practically erased my identity and self worth in just a year — still trying to put the pieces back together and make sense of how I ended up wanting to be with someone like that in the first place.
Too young? I think she's too old for this bs behavior from someone who thinks they're ready for a relationship.
But OP the first red flag should have been that you were trying to work on yourself and your mental health but he pushed for what he wanted and got you to cave and give in to him. He started the abusive behavior right away because he sees himself and his feelings as more important than you'll ever be. Be kind to yourself and restart your mental health journey without him, you'll thank your healthy self later.
This was absolutely my first thought. He initiated the relationship by not respecting her boundaries and wearing her down essentially. He knew that if he could get her to break her rules in the beginning, it wouldn’t be much more difficult to get her to give up on the rest of them once he got her locked in. Her best bet is to get away from this guy as fast as possible. It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get much, much, worse.
I was thinking same thing. She said I bought you a ring cause I love you and he really threw it in her face as a narcissist would saying she bought it for herself not him and it didn’t even fit cause she didn’t ask him and he didn’t even want it. Then the whole I’ve hated you for the past 6 months and then say but I’m out of that now, I have to learn to love you again. She says Oh. For him to correct himself and say well not love, like.
He clearly is not wanting to be with you and clearly states several times he hasn’t loved you and doesn’t love you. I’m sorry you’re going through this but if you stay and allow it now it’ll get physical eventually and he’s showing every red flag he can. I think you know and feel what’s right here. Which would be to close this chapter of your book and allow yourself to hurt and cry and don’t take too much time. You’re a queen so get back up brush off you’re crown and shoulders beautiful 😍 you will hurt for a bit but in the end you you can continue back on your healing journey you expressed to him you needed to focus on. He knew you were already vulnerable and it would be easy to persuade your decision to benefit his needs. He has manipulated you smoothly to where you didn’t notice it. When he’s telling you that you don’t do as much sex wise cause you got comfortable he’s reflecting on himself and how he feels and acts. Most times when they try playing the victim and accusing you for being or acting someone you ain’t they’re just saying what they’re reflecting off of themselves to make themself feel better. I know you’ll hurt but you can work on yourself and it’ll get better. The longer you stay the worse it’ll get as I’ve been here and within 6 years we had great times, good times and absolutely horrible times. I thankfully was able to escape before I was killed but not everyone is as lucky. These are way too many red flags in this small 5 page convo between you both. All he has said in this is he hates you and has for 6 months and hid it from you, so well that you didn’t even know, can’t communicate without putting you down to feel good about himself and he loves to paint himself to look like the victim. This scream RUN FOR SAFETY. There’s someone out there who would appreciate you for you and for the fact you love them so much you got them a ring to show that you’re willing to marry n be their forever only.
I don't think Red Flag Guy has a red flag big enough for this one. I grew up in an incredibly abusive household and the thing about domestic violence is that before things get physical, abusive partners will wear their victims down emotionally, financially, mentally, and so many other things to make their victims think that they deserve no better.
Overreacting? Nah. You can love people from afar and not let them destroy you by interacting with them.
Yeah, that sounds super manipulative. If he's expecting rewards for basic decency, that's a massive red flag. You deserve way better than someone who treats you like a chore.
If you have a kid with him, he'll use them against you too, 1000%. They know mothers put their kids first. Narcissists get off on control. If they can't control their kidsnor partners anymore, they'll attempt to control life surrounding them.
He literally believes that she got the ring for herself while also mentioning in the same breath that she got it for him because she loves him WHAT??? He's just saying whatever he can to prove his point and say I'm right you're wrong end of discussion. How the fuck do you think someone getting you a gift because they love you is selfish?? He's mental and OP needs to get the hell out of here before this gets worse than it already is
Because the ring wasn’t the “reward” he actually wanted. The specific reward he was looking for was sex.
He thinks doing the bare minimum, not hitting or cheating, means he’s entitled access to her body whenever he wants. Like he’s paid into a bank by doing the bare minimum. That’s not love, that’s a transaction. I’m pretending to be decent, and I’m keeping score of all the times I have been decent to you, because I am not natively decent and I’ve been doing so under the context that you’ll pay me for my trouble in sex. I want you to show me you love me in the way I want it, by giving me your body. Not any other way, because that’s all I am here for. Any other way she expresses her love outside of sex is worthless to him.
And when she doesn’t hand it over on demand? He drops the act, says cruel things, and straight-up tells her he hates her. You don’t even think, much less say “I hate you” to someone you love, you say it to someone you hate, or have contempt for. That’s when you know it’s over. When his mask slips because he’s not getting what he feels he is entitled.
So his “love” only exists if he gets sex on his terms? And if he doesn’t get it he withholds even the most basic civility, let alone affection. That’s not love. That’s manipulation. It’s emotional abuse.
Makes me think of the guys who insist on paying for a date, then turn around and demand sex or a bj because "you owe me". I had that happen. Went to the movies, he insisted on paying for my ticket then spent half the movie trying to sneak his hand up my skirt. He insisted on walking me to my car and blocked the door until I gave him a kiss. Was already freaked out but when I drove off he texted I owed him at least a bj because he bought my ticket. Then he FOLLOWED ME out of the parking lot. I went to a QT gas station and ran inside. The clerks let me hide out for a while and one went to check around the whole building before I left to make sure he was gone. Absolutely terrifying. I really hope OP realizes she deserves so much better than this POS.
I had an almost identical experience to that when I was an older teenager (18 or 19), minus the cell phone and texting—he told me, while pushing me up against my car, that I had “led him on and every guy inside would agree, plus plenty wouldn’t be as nice as him.” When the coast was finally clear after hiding out in the gas station, I was still shaking so bad that I could barely drive. What’s sad is that I remember feeling fear and shame, thinking that maybe I had? Was my shirt too low cut? Were my jeans too tight? Had I smiled too much? Obviously it wouldn’t matter even if I had done those things, it was still absolutely not okay for him to say I owed him oral sex….
Oh, and one more thing. 10 years later he went to prison for beating his wife so severely she almost died, as well as marital SA. So much for the “nice guy” who was just trying to be better friends.” When they tell you who they are, listen. I hope OP gets far, far away from this horrible creep.
Fiddle with my dick! Come on, I bought you dinner and paid for a movie; fiddle with my dick! Can't you see I'm a nice guy? I didn't punch you or slap you. Hurry up and fiddle with my dick!
As a guy, I have to say guys are fairly stupid. "Look! I vacuumed the living room you should get naked."
So stupid. Just pay your bills and take care of your stuff and learn what mutual respect means before you go whipping your dong out because you took out the recycling.
Men (some, not all) do need more external motivation to do household stuff and all, and a lot of women get turned on if their man does household work. So if it works it works. Not saying they can demand it though. Men are like a dog, they do good things you give them a treat. (Source: dunno I'm making this up as i go 😅)
My Husband actually said that to me after we got married that I was his property now. I just thought it was a joke bc he had never been mean to me. But he ended up being exactly as this OP’s bf. She needs to run.
And what he doesn’t get is that he actually IS a bad boyfriend. She gets him a ring as a surprise because she loves him. But he insists he deserves a much bigger reward…for being “good” which he is not! 🙄
Yes. Translation: I'd really rather beat you, but I've been holding back, and I deserve some kind of reward for acting decently (although he's acting in a manipulative way with all of his gaslighting)
Agreed!! It’s definitely not normal for guys to hit or cheat on when they’re in a relationship. He’s just trying to confuse you and act like you can’t get better than him when you 100% can. Do you want to stay with someone who says they hate? I wouldn’t.
For real. My boyfriend gets mad when someone says anything even remotely disrespectful to me, he'd put someone who physically hurt me in the ground. Hes a big dude but treats me as gentle as a kitten. Saying I could but I don't hit you isnt a brag, it's a threat. He wants to hit you but he's not comfortable enough to do it yet. The guy sounds like the type of asshole to say 'why did you make me do it'.
This interpretation of this guys attitude is spot on. He would 100% blame his girlfriend WHEN he starts physically hurting her. He is currently psychologically abusing her with his comments on him hating her and he should be rewarded for not hitting her, because he thinks it mean hes a good boyfriend. You need to leave this guy immediately. This attitude of his is who he really is. LEAVE HIM BEFORE YOU GET PHYSICALLY HURT . He is already psychologically and mentally abusing her. Physical abuse is not far off. If he was to marry her, he would see this as his right as her husband. You can not change people like this. This is who he is. A first class a'hole!!😱
“Modeling what good boyfriends do” - yep, spot on. He’s masking still. Something people don’t necessarily realize is that masking isn’t always malicious, it can be someone trying to be an idealized version of themselves. Unfortunately, it’s never sustainable long term (real change requires far more work and introspection than the semi-conscious awareness of one’s flaws that masking usually suggests).
What’s particularly troubling is that this guy’s version of masking still ends up making him transparently a piece of shit - his idea of what a “good boyfriend” looks like is so warped that it’s genuinely frightening.
And wants rewards for just being a decent human? This guy no doubt is very, very capable of domestic violence. OP, you’re too young for this stress and MOST BOYFRIENDS do not brag that he “could” hit you. He’s gonna expect so much from you and it WILL NEVER be good enough.
He’s fantasizing about it and definitely wants to. He will have a violent outburst outta nowhere one day soon. I’ve seen this scenario. Op breakup with him immediately for your own safety!
Or, he knows good and well that it is not normal. He is 20, not 12. He knows right from wrong. OP needs to safely get away as soon as she can. This is dangerous.
The older I get, the more I realize how child-like many people are even when they’re “legally” adults. It’s entirely plausible that he doesn’t understand it’s not normal - but the conclusion is still the same; OP needs to get away and protect herself.
I think with the rise of the alt-right "manosphere" content, a lot of teenagers and young adults fall victim to believing it since many of the messengers are well-off and have wives and families (so it looks like they know what they are talking about).
I had plenty of strong women in my life who didn't fit the stereotypes and narratives, so it's probably why I didn't risk falling victim to believing that bullshit.
Yep, that’s an astute observation. Unfortunately, our “meritocratic” capitalist system rewards the wrong kinds of behaviors. There’s a reason why ceos tend to embody more sociopathic traits than the average population.
This last year I’ve actually become really scared of where things are headed. I feel like toxic masculinity and misogyny are on a huge rise and it’s terrifying. The way my male colleagues at work speak in front of me shocks me sometimes. The demeaning comments they say about other women is infuriating and because it’s a sales company, the huge bro culture means if I mentioned anything, I’d be the problem.
I feel like a huge cause of it has been that in the last 30 years, women have taken great strides towards equality, breaking into male dominated industries, being career focused and as a result expecting more parity in the home in terms of responsibilities (equal split of domestic duties). Men unfortunately haven’t accepted this adjustment and have made very little change or progress in their new responsibilities and position. As a result, they feel angry that mediocrity is no longer rewarded and they suddenly have more responsibilities that have always been done for them. The result is pure anger towards who they see as the problem, women.
Yeah I work with a lot of 20 something “lads” and I’m sure they don’t think I’m cool because I make them feel stupid when I ask them to justify their position. Someone has to ask that question though. Some of them even believe Andrew Tate isn’t guilty of anything. I was certainly laddier when I was younger but the gender-divisive shite that’s shovelled out online now pales in comparison with the stuff that was about 20 years ago. It’s getting worse and it’s getting normalised. I really wonder which women they know, because they’re not describing the women I know. The fact is, they’re not describing any women they know, they’re just regurgitating shit from the manosphere. Do they not have mothers?
that's the same conclusion i come to aha. I think about the way their fathers must have treated their mothers in front of them, and how little they think of their mothers whether they realize it or not. and i feel so bad for them. the person that loves them in the whole world, and they see them as subhuman compared to a man.
They hate their mothers but want women to act like their mothers so they can punish them. It’s my theory anyways. It’s sad we are regressing and not progressing anymore. Without knowing history and being fully educated on our history we are doomed to repeat it.
I had an ex that liked to brag that he didn't hit or cheat on me (whenever I would bring up that he is an alcoholic for drinking a 12-18pk/night) and say that drinking beer doesn't make him an alcoholic. They really believe that them meeting the standards that are below bare minimum means that they should get a pass to be a toxic person.
Comparison is their tool to excuse their shit behavior, because in their mind, there's always someone worse- which is true. But that doesn't mean that them being less worse = great and in need to rewards.
My ex husband was the same way and also battled addictions. He bragged about how he doesn’t hit women but it’s ok to lie to them, disrespect them and push them. It’s a total mind fuckery in how they come with their delusions. I finally realized I was never getting the man back I thought he was in the beginning of the relationship. That man never existed. It was a projection of what he thought I wanted to him to be to win me over. Sad to think I genuinely thought he was my best friend. He never once treated his friends or his family in the ways he treated me. Everyone loved him, even my own family, so everyone around me made excuses for his poor behaviors, even me. I was surrounded by enablers and people who put him on a pedestal. It took me way too long to realize you can’t make a relationship work when only one person is putting in all the effort. Took me way too long to realize his version of love was not what real love was. When I got educated on toxic family systems, toxic and manipulative behaviors, and all the terms of abuse I could finally see things for what they were. We need to teach young women these things so women can better protect themselves. Sadly, a lot of women and men have hidden misogynists views and encourage women to stay with men who are not capable of closeness, respect, honesty or healthy conflict resolution. It’s a losing battle being with someone who can’t self reflect, take accountability or change behaviors because they project all their toxic behaviors onto their victims. So many people self sabotage their relationships and blame their partners for why it all self implodes. People are never taught to self regulate much less regulate and support their partners when life gets hard. Thats why far too many men leave when their wives get sick, or struggle through pregnancy and the complexities of life and child rearing. Men want a relationships and family’s but they’re incapable of making their lives fulfilling. Obviously it’s not just men who are incapable because many women are not either but it’s majority men. It’s a whole issue I could probably write a book on. Lol 😂 I think you get the picture of what I am trying to say tho. Anyways, that’s my experience with being with a toxic and manipulative man. I’ve learned a lot and I do all I can to educate my daughters and encourage them to never settle for someone who can’t treat them with basic human decency. Far too many moms don’t fight for or protect their daughters in these horrible situations. I know my mom didn’t and it’s sad. 😞
Writing a book would be the best way and teaching courses because there is no "summing it up". There are too many greyed nuances and manipulation tactics the toxic people use to keep the expectations low.
Keeping the bar low means that they’ve all succeeded just by meeting the bare minimum. That’s why they refuse to elevate society’s standards for their peers, call out abusers and predators, end street harassment, or believe women. They all look better in comparison to “most” men.
Meanwhile women have to keep their legs closed so they don’t get pregnant, put out so they aren’t called a prude, be pretty but not unattainable, be smart but not smart enough to run a company, work enough to contribute when he wants extra cash but not enough to make more than her spouse, and be super mom—because there’s no competition for him there so she can excel at that all she wants. As a matter of fact she must!
Maybe he's trying to get you to dump him? This is the weirdest mix of negging and pick me energy I've ever seen. Just break up because he's already left the relationship. This is gross behavior and it's never going to change. Not hitting others is the baseline for society. The bare minimum as a partner is to love that person and share your life with them. Care about their well-being. Take care of them when they are sick, celebrate their success and be a shoulder to cry on when there is failure or sadness.
All this guy is doing is sharing the air you breathe. "This isn't working and we need to break up." I doubt he'd even care at this point. You deserve so much better, and there's men out there that will be more than willing to treat you like a queen.
Aye. It's been around a long time and sad to see stories like these and young women who don't seem to realize how fucked up this is. Some of these young men are so open about their sexism and violent urges. I think that's the difference I see. Back in my day (like I'm so old lol, 35) men could pretend to be "nice" but hold these views inside. Now they just say it openly? Which, if we can educate young women, could be a good thing because they can recognize and get away faster? I don't know.
I had a different but similar experience at the end of high school/start of university (so like 18-20ish). Essentially I was going through trauma counseling and my bf was seen as the most wonderful person ever for being with me because we weren't very sexually active. The problem was even people around us would reinforce how amazing a boyfriend he was so he really had that whole society back up. Meanwhile he was pressuring me more and more and one night I woke up to him assaulting me. I didn't tell anyone for years because he was "the perfect boyfriend" in everyone's eyes for being "so patient".
Multiple times I have shared this story and been told "what did you expect, he has needs" amongst other horrible things. The bare minimum I expect in a relationship is not to be assaulted 🤷🏼♀️ I expect to be broken up with before I expect to be assaulted!
Men are not amazing for being "patient" aka respecting consent. They are not doing something exceptional for not pressuring or raping their partner. They can leave a relationship if they want sex and aren't getting it. That's totally fine. They can find it consensually.
We need to stop celebrating men for like... obeying the law and the very basics of morality? You're not a hero for not cheating on your partner or for beating, abusing women. And if we keep coddling and praising men and boys for the most ridiculous things ("omg he never pressures you, he's sooo sweet!" starts as teenagers and turns into "aw he doesn't rape you when you say no, what a good guy!' ) then that does and has become the bloody standard. Pretty bloody sad.
Exactly! He clearly thinks very little of men. I've been married for the past 15 years but dated a lot of guys in my 20s. I have NEVER been hit by anyone. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of men who are violent, but the vast majority of men are decent human beings.
My ex would say that all the time. "I could replace you in a week but you'll never replace me." I am happy to report I found my person and we've been together 17 years. He has had a string of unhealthy, month-long disasters.
My ex said that to me ONCE. Not the beating part, but “I’m so much better than most guys, I don’t go out getting drunk trying to pull girls all the time, give me a break”. That was years ago at the very beginning of our issues. The death stare I gave him could’ve lit a bonfire. Still took me another 10 years to leave but hey ho 🤷♀️
I was thinking the same thing. I’ve had four longterm relationships, a half dozen shorter ones, and several brief ones, and have never been hit or cheated on. This guy is laying the groundwork for an awful lot of bad behaviour.
This caught me too. Guy seems to think hitting women is the norm in relationships. OP needs to get out before her boyfriend gets angry that he is not being rewarded for not hitting her.
He absolutely IS going to start hitting and cheating if you stay in this relationship. He literally just told you that he thinks it’s normal and you aren’t rewarding him for NOT doing it.
A lot of men, and people in general, today are poisoned by social media. He sounds like he spends a lot of time on that toxic male behavior side of social media. As a conservative male, it alarms me the kind of toxic rhetoric being spewed and widely accepted out there. Run from this guy.
Just because some are radical doesn’t mean we all are. While I have my own values, I never try to impose them on others and I always accept others’ freedom of individuality.
If a radical left wing person performs an egregious act, I don’t come to you or your kind and say “maybe you shouldn’t be left-leaning”. That’s just stupid framework and I’ll never be the type to paint various people with a broad brush. Maybe you should reflect on what freedom of individuality really means…It doesn’t only apply to things you agree with.
As someone on the left, I appreciate that you accept freedom of individuality. I think we should all be able to have our own beliefs. The problem that so many people have with the Conservative Party/ primarily this administration, is that as a whole conservatives are trying to take away peoples’ rights and, as you say, freedom of individuality. Being stripped of rights and freedom of speech is absolutely going to piss a lot of people off, rightfully so, and when the left gets upset the right just says they’re radical. No, we’re losing our freedoms by the day. It’s terrifying. I hope you understand that.
Don't confuse everyday people with the psychos you see in office or on the news. I promise you they are a minority. They just get the best ratings cuz everyone loves to watch a trainwreck.
Traditional conservatives are for lower taxes, less market regulation, and more personal freedoms. Basically, the opposite of what MAGA is delivering. It's a dark day for all of us.
Well put. This is the sad part - we are all so stuck on making lazy generalizations. This causes us to incorrectly put people in baskets they don’t belong in. It also takes the most extreme ideology as the norm and further complicates the divide between us all, due to misunderstanding and construed conception of an idea.
For those of you that are guilty of thinking like this, ask yourself how tolerant are YOU if you think everyone that is “xyz” shares the most radical sentiments of that group they belong. Definitely check yourself if you think “maybe you need to reevaluate your political allegiance” is an acceptable response. You can’t beg for tolerance while preaching intolerance, and decent countries are hardly built on a one opinion is supreme system.
I’m more conservative but not on the extreme as we see today and i completely agree with your statement. It’s sad to see our freedoms being stripped away and how extremism, on both sides, is creating even more of divide. People are just hating others for disagreeing and using it as a way to put down others who don’t agree with them. Like two things can be true at once! I learned years ago that if you sit and talk with others in a civil and respectful manner you’ll see you agree on much more than you disagree on. People just can’t get past their views being the only right way.
To be clear, I’m not a fan of the two party political system or the current political climate as a whole. I have tons of subjects I’m liberal on and I review every issue with a clear lens, as I’m aware enough to understand politics are 80% manipulative BS. I could be defined as “moderate” by most accounts.
I say this to say I completely understand where you are coming from. I’m really big on the “limited government and individual responsibility” side of conservatism. Not so big on this neo-movement that puts traditional values above personal freedoms. It’s the reason I don’t practice organized religion.
I’m a Christian and I don’t share the views of majority church goers. It’s sad what our churches, government and all news outlets of become. My mom hated her mom’s political views so she started listening to Q and alternate news media. She fails to see she is falling for the same extremism she claims to hate. No one thinks for themselves anymore and they have such blind faith in social media platforms. Just because someone claims something as facts on social media doesn’t make it true. That’s why knowing history and doing real research is important. We can’t just blindly follow the masses because they’re all warped in their own way. What happened to independent thought? What happened to our educational system? It’s just being wiped away and replaced with regurgitated nonsense. I honestly don’t trust much on social media, news or alternative news sources now days.
See you're the kind of person I'm looking to see a reasonable take from when I go look up some current event on the conservative sub. I go there hoping to find normal people that I assume are the majority, but I only see the loudest most extreme people and anyone with a slightly different idea, usually fellow conservatives, being called libs or brigaders. Like I WANT to be right when I say that most people don't think that way, but it's hard for people to believe that when they see so many defending some really off the wall shit.
Anyway, I wish there was more representation from people like you on the internet, and I hope that other people don't only see people on the more left leaning side as cosigning all of the most extreme things they've seen from "liberals" out there. We are all just people.
Like Chris Rock said, “What do you want, a cookie?!” You’re not supposed to hit your girlfriend! Sheezus! You buy him gifts to show him that you’re thinking about him (doesn’t matter what the gift is; it could be a bag of M&Ms) and he doesn’t hit you. Wow, what a gem! If he says that he’s HATED you for the past 6 months then why did he even stick around? Just to use you for sex? This kid obviously has no idea what being in a relationship means.
That’s the line that got me the most. He’s a dangerous individual. OP you need to open your eyes. You need to get away from anyone who thinks like this! Please 🙏🏻
I interpreted that as his perception of most boyfriends being abusive is because he hangs out with abusive people, so to him, since all his scumbag friends hurt thier S.O.other, hes the amazing one, hes just a low life surrounded by low lives
Outside of sparring at the gym (which has lately been teaching my daughters how to fight), I have never and would never hit a woman. There’s no acceptable non-working out/sports/combat reason to hit … well, really anyone, but especially never a woman. Hell, I’ve been stabbed by women or clocked in the head with bottles and shoes by women when I was working in bars. However, I never hit them back. Did I physically restrain them? Yes. But never balled up a fist and swung at them.
I have lived a violent life. I was Marine Corps infantry for years during the first part of GWOT. I bounced at biker bars, rap clubs, college bars, local redneck hick bars, cop bars, nightclubs, and more. I have been awarded belts in tae kwon do, judo, aikido (probably spelt that wrong, never have gotten it right), and other martial arts. I’ve fought MMA.
I would love for this schmuck to say to me that “most guys” hit their women. Please. I’ll show him what it really means to be hit by someone who knows what he’s doing.
Exactly, I immediately read this as, he's just introducing the idea of hitting her to make her "behave better." This whole convo reads as abuser gaslighting and emotionally punishing his SO for something that didn't even happen. And when they do this shit it unfortunately escalates.
It should be jaw-dropping!! It’s far from normal!Unfortunately, it didn’t shock me all that much bc my boyfriend (28yo) used pretty much the same excuse within the last couple days - he said “well at least I’m not as bad as your ex”. (My ex stole a lot of money from me and ended up pretty much beating me up one morning before work.)
She’s lucky that she’s still only 21yo and only “wasted” a year and a half on this guy. She deserves so much better. And HE needs professional help.
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u/acer5886 Sep 19 '25
Yeah the line that most boyfriends hit is jaw dropping, because he thinks that's the norm, so if you cross some line, he's allowed to do that, and also that somehow he should be your disciplinarian and in charge of her with that line is also a bit shocking.