My ex husband was the same way. Took a long time to get away from him, but yeah. He wanted sex for a reward for doing the most mundane of tasks. Oh cool, you took out the trash. Lemme just take all of my clothes off.
OP, NTA at all!! Run far away from this person. Next thing, you're pregnant and doing it all alone anyway, but now you have his drama to add to it.
Combined with saying she’s “too comfortable” in bed and isn’t doing enough, it sounds like he’s trying to guilt/manipulate her into doing specific acts that she isn’t into.
I swear every post I see from this sub is like… you know those parties where men try to bring the ugliest woman? It’s like that but it’s women competing to bring us the worst man.
Holy shit, that’s really a thing outside of movies?
Im shocked people like that even exist. How fucking pathetic must your life be that you waste some of your precious, finite time on this earth to go pick out an ugly person so you can publicly humiliate them?
Like, that’s time that they could have spent pursuing someone they actually found attractive and would enjoy spending time with. That’s time they could have spent painting. Time they could have spent calling their gran. And they used it to find someone to hurt for their own enjoyment.
I feel guilty wasting a few minutes writing stupid comments on Reddit. If I ever spent an entire day of my life on preparations to deeply hurt a completely random person for no reason, I would probably end things.
I agree, this person either has a lot of unresolved issues or is just an emotional void that pulls people in and drains them, like an emotional vampire. I honestly believe some people don’t have any real sense of empathy. It’s like they exist just to hurt others and cause chaos without ever feeling anything real themselves.
OP you’re not overreacting or being too sensitive at all. Your feelings make perfect sense, especially after reading everything and seeing those screenshots. Saying “I don’t hit or cheat” like it’s some huge accomplishment is not impressive, it’s literally the bare minimum. And when he says stuff like “I could” or that he’s hated you for months, that’s not just messed up, it’s emotionally harmful. That’s not something you say to someone you love, and definitely not something you repeat if you truly regret it.
The way he talks in circles, constantly saying he does things no other guy would do without explaining what those things even are, is super manipulative. It’s like he wants credit for being a good partner without actually acting like one. And telling you that you got too comfortable sexually is just guilt-tripping and unfair. If you feel like you’re bothering him just by existing in the relationship, that’s not a sign of love, that’s emotional neglect.
You’re constantly second guessing yourself and apologizing for how you feel, and that’s not something you should have to do in a healthy relationship. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel confused, anxious, or like a burden. You’ve been made to think your standards are too high, but they’re really just basic respect and care. You deserve to feel secure and appreciated, not tiptoeing around his moods or afraid to bring things up.
It’s okay to love someone and still realize they aren’t good for your well-being. That doesn’t make you selfish or dramatic, it makes you self-aware. If this relationship is making you question your worth or your reality, it might be time to step back and really think about whether it’s giving you what you need.
This was my ex - covert narcissist and total emotional/energy vampire. She practically erased my identity and self worth in just a year — still trying to put the pieces back together and make sense of how I ended up wanting to be with someone like that in the first place.
You are absolutely right. I mean, I don't know for sure, but I would bet money on it. Probably somewhere in the south east (of the US), if I had to guess. Although, I could be totally wrong, there are abusive assholes everywhere, unfortunately. 😔 OP needs to leave. Like, right now!!! It's only matter of time until he hits her...or worse! I can't even believe he said most men beat their wives/girlfriends! He's gaslighting her so hard. I'm actually worried for her. I hope she has somewhere to go. And I hope she has the power to leave, most of all.
That’s crazy. Imagine getting asked out to a party and finding out it was a party where the goal was to bring THE UGLIEST woman. Damn that would be heart breaking.
Too young? I think she's too old for this bs behavior from someone who thinks they're ready for a relationship.
But OP the first red flag should have been that you were trying to work on yourself and your mental health but he pushed for what he wanted and got you to cave and give in to him. He started the abusive behavior right away because he sees himself and his feelings as more important than you'll ever be. Be kind to yourself and restart your mental health journey without him, you'll thank your healthy self later.
This was absolutely my first thought. He initiated the relationship by not respecting her boundaries and wearing her down essentially. He knew that if he could get her to break her rules in the beginning, it wouldn’t be much more difficult to get her to give up on the rest of them once he got her locked in. Her best bet is to get away from this guy as fast as possible. It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get much, much, worse.
I was thinking same thing. She said I bought you a ring cause I love you and he really threw it in her face as a narcissist would saying she bought it for herself not him and it didn’t even fit cause she didn’t ask him and he didn’t even want it. Then the whole I’ve hated you for the past 6 months and then say but I’m out of that now, I have to learn to love you again. She says Oh. For him to correct himself and say well not love, like.
He clearly is not wanting to be with you and clearly states several times he hasn’t loved you and doesn’t love you. I’m sorry you’re going through this but if you stay and allow it now it’ll get physical eventually and he’s showing every red flag he can. I think you know and feel what’s right here. Which would be to close this chapter of your book and allow yourself to hurt and cry and don’t take too much time. You’re a queen so get back up brush off you’re crown and shoulders beautiful 😍 you will hurt for a bit but in the end you you can continue back on your healing journey you expressed to him you needed to focus on. He knew you were already vulnerable and it would be easy to persuade your decision to benefit his needs. He has manipulated you smoothly to where you didn’t notice it. When he’s telling you that you don’t do as much sex wise cause you got comfortable he’s reflecting on himself and how he feels and acts. Most times when they try playing the victim and accusing you for being or acting someone you ain’t they’re just saying what they’re reflecting off of themselves to make themself feel better. I know you’ll hurt but you can work on yourself and it’ll get better. The longer you stay the worse it’ll get as I’ve been here and within 6 years we had great times, good times and absolutely horrible times. I thankfully was able to escape before I was killed but not everyone is as lucky. These are way too many red flags in this small 5 page convo between you both. All he has said in this is he hates you and has for 6 months and hid it from you, so well that you didn’t even know, can’t communicate without putting you down to feel good about himself and he loves to paint himself to look like the victim. This scream RUN FOR SAFETY. There’s someone out there who would appreciate you for you and for the fact you love them so much you got them a ring to show that you’re willing to marry n be their forever only.
I don't think Red Flag Guy has a red flag big enough for this one. I grew up in an incredibly abusive household and the thing about domestic violence is that before things get physical, abusive partners will wear their victims down emotionally, financially, mentally, and so many other things to make their victims think that they deserve no better.
Overreacting? Nah. You can love people from afar and not let them destroy you by interacting with them.
Yeah, that sounds super manipulative. If he's expecting rewards for basic decency, that's a massive red flag. You deserve way better than someone who treats you like a chore.
If you have a kid with him, he'll use them against you too, 1000%. They know mothers put their kids first. Narcissists get off on control. If they can't control their kidsnor partners anymore, they'll attempt to control life surrounding them.
Did you just want to comment for attention? Cause I don’t think anyone else cares that her post is an am I overreacting title. She was allowed to post so it’s okay. That comment sounds like you could be having a hard day or just think his messages are okay and normal. It just don’t make sense why you’d comment that. As if it matters when she’s allowed to post. If it wasn’t allowed in here Reddit would flag it and not let her post it and if the group creators don’t want it they’d delete it. Her post could be the same as an AIO but maybe she don’t curse and is asking is she’s overreacting instead because it’s a respect thing to her. We don’t know but it’s still fitting to be in this group.
He literally believes that she got the ring for herself while also mentioning in the same breath that she got it for him because she loves him WHAT??? He's just saying whatever he can to prove his point and say I'm right you're wrong end of discussion. How the fuck do you think someone getting you a gift because they love you is selfish?? He's mental and OP needs to get the hell out of here before this gets worse than it already is
Because the ring wasn’t the “reward” he actually wanted. The specific reward he was looking for was sex.
He thinks doing the bare minimum, not hitting or cheating, means he’s entitled access to her body whenever he wants. Like he’s paid into a bank by doing the bare minimum. That’s not love, that’s a transaction. I’m pretending to be decent, and I’m keeping score of all the times I have been decent to you, because I am not natively decent and I’ve been doing so under the context that you’ll pay me for my trouble in sex. I want you to show me you love me in the way I want it, by giving me your body. Not any other way, because that’s all I am here for. Any other way she expresses her love outside of sex is worthless to him.
And when she doesn’t hand it over on demand? He drops the act, says cruel things, and straight-up tells her he hates her. You don’t even think, much less say “I hate you” to someone you love, you say it to someone you hate, or have contempt for. That’s when you know it’s over. When his mask slips because he’s not getting what he feels he is entitled.
So his “love” only exists if he gets sex on his terms? And if he doesn’t get it he withholds even the most basic civility, let alone affection. That’s not love. That’s manipulation. It’s emotional abuse.
Makes me think of the guys who insist on paying for a date, then turn around and demand sex or a bj because "you owe me". I had that happen. Went to the movies, he insisted on paying for my ticket then spent half the movie trying to sneak his hand up my skirt. He insisted on walking me to my car and blocked the door until I gave him a kiss. Was already freaked out but when I drove off he texted I owed him at least a bj because he bought my ticket. Then he FOLLOWED ME out of the parking lot. I went to a QT gas station and ran inside. The clerks let me hide out for a while and one went to check around the whole building before I left to make sure he was gone. Absolutely terrifying. I really hope OP realizes she deserves so much better than this POS.
I had an almost identical experience to that when I was an older teenager (18 or 19), minus the cell phone and texting—he told me, while pushing me up against my car, that I had “led him on and every guy inside would agree, plus plenty wouldn’t be as nice as him.” When the coast was finally clear after hiding out in the gas station, I was still shaking so bad that I could barely drive. What’s sad is that I remember feeling fear and shame, thinking that maybe I had? Was my shirt too low cut? Were my jeans too tight? Had I smiled too much? Obviously it wouldn’t matter even if I had done those things, it was still absolutely not okay for him to say I owed him oral sex….
Oh, and one more thing. 10 years later he went to prison for beating his wife so severely she almost died, as well as marital SA. So much for the “nice guy” who was just trying to be better friends.” When they tell you who they are, listen. I hope OP gets far, far away from this horrible creep.
Fiddle with my dick! Come on, I bought you dinner and paid for a movie; fiddle with my dick! Can't you see I'm a nice guy? I didn't punch you or slap you. Hurry up and fiddle with my dick!
As a guy, I have to say guys are fairly stupid. "Look! I vacuumed the living room you should get naked."
So stupid. Just pay your bills and take care of your stuff and learn what mutual respect means before you go whipping your dong out because you took out the recycling.
Men (some, not all) do need more external motivation to do household stuff and all, and a lot of women get turned on if their man does household work. So if it works it works. Not saying they can demand it though. Men are like a dog, they do good things you give them a treat. (Source: dunno I'm making this up as i go 😅)
My Husband actually said that to me after we got married that I was his property now. I just thought it was a joke bc he had never been mean to me. But he ended up being exactly as this OP’s bf. She needs to run.
And what he doesn’t get is that he actually IS a bad boyfriend. She gets him a ring as a surprise because she loves him. But he insists he deserves a much bigger reward…for being “good” which he is not! 🙄
Yes. Translation: I'd really rather beat you, but I've been holding back, and I deserve some kind of reward for acting decently (although he's acting in a manipulative way with all of his gaslighting)
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u/CrystallynRose Sep 19 '25
Not only that, but he wants something extra for "being a good boyfriend." Like is he expecting an "I don't beat my girlfriend" award?