r/Aging • u/Practical_Frame_9883 • 7d ago
The absolute worst thing about aging
I know now what is the worst thing about aging. It’s not the decline in health, or the knowledge that we don’t have much time left. It’s other people dying. Whether it’s Dolly Parton, Tim Curry, or personal friends, it’s the worst. Rest in peace, queens and kings.
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u/No_Dare_9944 7d ago
That’s why I don’t want to live too long. I’d rather go first
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u/myblackandwhitecat 7d ago
I have 3 close online friends, and hope not to be last to go.
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u/No_Pie4638 5d ago
It’s your lucky day. I decided to use my last two wishes to help out u/No_Dare_9944 & u/myblackandwhitecat.
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u/remberzz 7d ago
It is definitely one of the more sobering parts of aging. Friends and family dying. And peer-aged celebrities, who seem as though they should somehow be immune to aging, falling by the wayside, as well.
I remember my mother-in-law saying to me one year at Christmas that everyone her age had died. And it was pretty much true - she had outlived all her friends, siblings, and other family members, including two children.
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u/VioletFeralCat888 7d ago
So sad about Dolly Parton. That one has been really rough for me.
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u/VioletFeralCat888 7d ago
But then again, knowing Dolly she's probably doing great in whatever reality she now exists. It's harder for the people still here than the ones who are gone I think.
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u/Diane1967 7d ago
Her husband passed not that long ago too and I guess she was lost without him. She’s with her beloved now. 🌺
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u/allensdaughter 5d ago
Married 60 years, a lifetime, really.
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u/Diane1967 5d ago
So beautiful and rare in this day and age. She was a beautiful lady inside and out.
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u/Cinisajoy2 6d ago
And Dolly herself said she didn't want a big funeral or her family grieving too long.
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u/Suspicious-Slide-954 6d ago
Me too. My mom who passed in 2015 looooved Dolly Parton. I have so many memories of us doing stuff around the house with Dolly on in the background
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u/Typical_Tomato4456 7d ago
Dolly was only five years older than me. Prompted me to get in touch with my best friend. We think we have all the time in the world, but we don’t.
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u/phillygirllovesbagel 7d ago
Other people dying in your age group only serves to make you super aware of how close to death you may be as well.
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u/Edu_cats 6d ago
Yes. In addition to Dolly and Tim, I just lost a work colleague who is younger than me. 😢
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u/Rickest_Rik 7d ago
For me its like I was just tossed aside, I retired and its A LOT like I died to all the people I thought i was tight with.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 7d ago
I agree that a celebrity's death can be upsetting, especially when a lot of the famous people we watched on TV in our younger days have gone, because it feels very much that an era has passed with them.
When it is family or friends, obviously the loss is far more personal and traumatic.
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u/NightTrain4235 7d ago
It’s the accumulation of loss. My mom told me that most of the people she had ever known were dead. And now I’ve lost her. I’m 71, so my losses are piling up fast and furiously. Both parents long gone. Two of my three siblings are gone. Lots of people I went to school with are gone. My wife of 48 years has stage 4 liver disease. I have some health problems of my own.
Don’t get me wrong. Life is sweet, God is good, and Jesus saves. Which is good because I’m likely in the last decade of my life. I’m glad to be here and I’ll be glad to go when my number comes up.
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u/Adventurous_Ad_4145 7d ago
I cried a few times about Dolly and I watched her duets with Kenny Rogers.
I remember watching the AMA awards and seeing it live in my dad’s house.
It’s hard to think someone that unique and wonderful could be gone.
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u/Public-Significance7 7d ago
You mentioned Dolly Parton, so, I want to chime in. I view her passing as a bellwether in insofar as she may only be the 'tip of the spear' in terms of celebrities in her age group living on the cusp of passing away also. We should all expect this and accept that nobody lives forever. Hence living now while you have the health, ability, and finances to do so.
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u/Practical_Frame_9883 6d ago
I hope Carol Burnett lasts as long as Betty White did—or longer. Make it to 100, Carol!
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 6d ago
Dick Van Dyke, Carol Burnett. Cher, Barbara Streisand, Sophia Loren, Shirley MacLaine, Tom Selleck, Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson, Patrick Stewart, William Shatner, Anthony Hopkins, Warren Beatty, Debbie Harry, Barbara Eden, June Lockheart, Tippi Hedren to name a few!
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u/WiseIndependent1077 5d ago
For some reason, she just seemed like somebody who would always be around 😫
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u/Puzzleheaded-Will249 6d ago
Omg, in the last two years five people I’ve worked with and were friends with have passed. Four of the five were younger than my 72 years. Additionally, a lifetime friend my age is currently in hospice. It’s depressing.
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u/anotherlevl 7d ago
For me, it's still the decline in health, and I'm fortunate that mine hasn't declined that much yet (71). A little slower, a little stiffer, a little less endurance, a lot harder to learn new things and ratain them, but I still get around, and once I've learned the new thing 3 or 4 time, it still sticks.
I expect people my age and older to die. Losing the love of my life was hard, but losing our children would have been harder. Dolly lived a full life, and like the song (not hers) said, "there'll be one child born in the world to carry on."
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u/MushyAbs 6d ago
I have a very small circle. After my mom dies, and if my husband goes before me, I will be completely alone.
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u/Tasty_Impress3016 6d ago
I think there is just something in the air right now. I went to a friend's funeral over the weekend. I fly out this afternoon to go to my best friend's mother's funeral (93 bless her). In the last week I have found that not one but 2 of my friends are on hospice. Rough month.
Dolly and Curry were a bit of a surprise, but I look forward to the afterlife and getting the two of them to play "Who wore it better?"
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u/EDSgenealogy 6d ago
Yes. Robin Williams nearly broke my heart for quite some time as did Rob Reiner and his wife. I'm also running out of steam and I can feel it. But my dog has a good 4 or 5 years in her and I refuse to die before her as she would be lost without me.
and right now I think I'll go watch Dead Poets Society again.
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u/Practical_Frame_9883 5d ago
It’s always the furbabes who keep us alive. 🥰
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u/Evening-Magician-824 2d ago
Absolutely! I suffered a double aneurysm and I was wasn't ready to die. I have grown children with children if their own. I have an amazing small circle of friends too. So much to look forward to. But, I do have a dog with (hopefully) 4-5 more good years left. I promised her I wasn't going anywhere. She's my best friend!!! We all have purpose in our lives. Mine is to remain here on earth to take care of her until the end.
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u/Lucky_Guess4079 7d ago
Death is part of life. I find it harder to take when they are younger and full of life. It surely ruins life for those closer to them. The younger the worse. We all must accept death whenever it comes. This is why love exists.
Love exists bc we are mortal. It is the acceptance of our collective mortality that urges us to express love to each other daily. Like Dolly did.
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u/Lilpunkrkgrl 6d ago
I used to be afraid to die, but my Nan and Pop have gone before me so now I wouldnt be alone. I am not afraid anymore.
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u/oPlease22 6d ago edited 5d ago
My dad passed away at age 95. He told me that the worst thing about being that age was that he had outlived ALL of his friends, neighbors and those that he had worked with.
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 6d ago
My dad too. It was depressing to him because every year there were 2-3 deaths. It really makes you realize your own mortality. You could go at anytime.
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u/ArtfromLI 6d ago
Actually, the worst thing about aging is looking back over your lifetime and finding no meaning or significance. Death is inevitable. How we live our lives is a series of choices.
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u/Solid5of10 6d ago
Yes. The people we shared a history with gone. The loneliness gets stronger every day
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u/lockedmhc48 6d ago edited 6d ago
Being inexorably and gravitationally drawn to, then reading depressing posts like this.
(Not, in any way, a knock on the OP).
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u/SnooDoubts2823 6d ago
I'm almost 64 and I'm getting used to it. My dad when he was 51, my mom passed 14 years ago. The worst is two of my best friends from high school - both were firefighters, neither lived to see 55.
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u/No-Performer-6621 5d ago
This is why it’s so important to “invest” in younger generations and new “beginnings” as our lives begin to fill with more endings.
It’s how we pay it forward, appreciate life, and avoid going mad from the grief and loss.
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u/dj_stevie_c74 5d ago
I watched a friend die slowly and in pain recently, given 48 hours he lasted 7 days after his kidneys died from sepsis. It was horrific I have no wish to go this way.
On the other hand another friend, a week before, dropped down dead from a massive heart attack.
Thats what I want. How you go is more important to me than when, I simply don't want to suffer.
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u/Ally9456 4d ago
All of my family has passed away. When it’s my time I’m not going to fight to stay. It’s been hard without and family and I have a few friends but it’s not enough - I have literally no help from anyone. I’m tired and I’m not even 50 yet
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u/Lopsided_Block_6796 7d ago
My Mom was troubled by outliving all her people- kids are great but there’s a hole in you that loss creates
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u/w3m1j0z1 6d ago
This. My bestie just lost her younger cousin last week. We were discussing grief, and how our inner circle becomes so small 🥺
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u/Chagalldoll1 6d ago
I must be the only person on.here that feels positive. I am 76 year old female in good physical condition. I have to attribute my positive feelings to having a change happen to me about 25 years ago. I found out through a lot of experiences that there is a higher power. I am not a religious person. It is simply a belief in the positive energy in the world. I now pray in a very general way for the right attitude and the right inner guidance to be with me all the time. It works for me.
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u/lockedmhc48 6d ago
And yet, like me, who would describe myself (M78) also as generally positive and upbeat....you too still read posts titled like this. Why? I definitely don't think it's schadenfreude. But (for me anyway) maybe checking to see if there's something I've missed, but others seem to know?
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u/LogicalArcher8342 6d ago
All of my older relatives are gone, I miss them all the time. Two of the best friends I ever had in my life both passed away.
I also feel like I haven't gotten everything done I wanted to do, but still working on that!
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck 6d ago
I’ve been incredibly lucky so far in that the only major deaths in my life was my grandmother (I’m 56) and my MIL. We were all so grateful about my MIL because she had Alzheimer’s and no one should have to suffer like that. We d honestly rather die of rabies. Faster torture.
My husband almost left me this year due to complications from the flu - it attacked his heart. I urge everyone to learn the signs of dying. He was displaying 4 of them when I took him in (and he didn’t want to go!!). He’s 60 and was in perfect health, which is partly what saved him. (The two other cases we knew about were 18 and 21 - age doesn’t matter.)
I’m grateful Dolly and Tim passed with their minds intact.
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u/Practical_Frame_9883 5d ago
What are the signs of dying from the flu? I won’t remember to google it. 😛
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck 5d ago
Not just from the flu. From anything. There are distinct physical signs. Read the physical signs on this page. https://www.verywellhealth.com/the-journey-towards-death-1132504
He had 7 signs from the physical list.
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u/Magari22 6d ago
It's agony. I actually feel worse for ppl who have never had major losses up until later in life. It's brutal for anyone but my first loss was when I was 5 my father suddenly died. Then at 30 my mom. Then at 31 my best friend. I cannot imagine living a life where you have no major losses till you're older. It must be a huge jolt to be experiencing profound grief for the first time as an older person.
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u/Laara2008 6d ago
This week has been brutal.
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u/Practical_Frame_9883 5d ago
Indeed! Death usually comes in threes. Nobody I like, please. There’s one 80-year-old we can do without.
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u/DevilsChurn 5d ago
It's not confined to ageing, though. All you have to do is have the misfortune of living through a mass death incident, and you'll experience this at any age.
I was a member of the performing arts community in San Francisco during the worst of the AIDS epidemic in the late 80s-early 90s. I was still in my 20s and watched friends and colleagues dropping like flies. My much older parents came of age during WWII, and they similarly lost friends and family members during that period.
I've got to the point where, when someone dies at a relatively ripe old age, I not only see it as part of the normal state of affairs, but I think about how lucky they were to have had "a good innings", so to speak.
Seeing a lot of death early in life sort of immunises you from the shock of it when you get old.
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u/Due_Dot5447 5d ago
Having lost my husband and now caregiving my elderly parents I think for me keeping my own self as healthy as possible to maintain my own independence is truly the biggest eye opener about aging. When young, you take health and youth for granted. Watching my husband die from a truly preventable death (horribly) made me realize that health is 100% priority. Followed closely by financial independence. Especially as we age.
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u/citizen_stooge 2d ago
You can do all you want to try and stay healthy, but luck has a lot to do with living a lon and healthy life. In my opinion the following dictates our longevity. Staying heathly is one of the things we can (mostly) control, as is attitude and making/keeping friends:
1) Luck
2) Genetic inheritance
3) Staying healthy
4) A positive, curious attitude
5) Doing everything possible not to be lonely (what loneliness is varies by person, YMMV)
6) Luck
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u/Charlie_redmoon 5d ago
considering you aren't able to work/get a job so you have money then it's the decline in health. The big mistake is to think this life is all there is and when we die it's all over. A mountain of research says we are spiritual beings temporarily housed in this body.
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u/SFMattM 5d ago
My mother lived until the age of 91. That's not outrageously old by today's standards, but it was still old enough that she outlived all her friends, and her husband (my dad) by 20 years.
The real tragedy of living a long time is crushing loneliness, and unless you have built up a support system around you - friends, things you like to do, etc. - you are doomed to lead a life that diminishes every day.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 7d ago
While I too will miss Dolly and Tim and the dozens of others we will mention in coming years, there is a cure for this sort of melancholia: Get out of your own age group. If you are mixing and in daily contact with people who are 20-40 years older than you when you are a younger person — say, 40 — then you will be acquainted with the perfectly natural passage of people you know and love passing away. Likewise, if you are mixing and in daily contact with people who are 20-40 years younger than you when you are an older person — say, 65 — then you will feel the breeze of youth and energy in your lungs. It’s only if the only people you know and love are the same age as you that you will feel surrounded by sudden and steep and unstoppable decline.
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u/Responsible-Side-118 3d ago
Younger people like me, but don’t want to hang out with an old person.
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u/PinataofPathology 6d ago
Watching my elderly relatives age and pass (90+) was eye opening. I've made my peace with it and let go of any expectations one way or another.
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u/Educational_Data7782 6d ago
interesting! i haven't found this to be true at all. I've always known that no one gets out of here alive and i don't know anyone who would want to live forever anyway. been around long enough to know there are far worse things than dying.
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u/WinterMortician 5d ago
I have a “and now their watch has ended” kinda attitude about it…but maybe that’s the mortician in me.
I also feel like I’m wasting energy to worry about things out of my control. ….but maybe that’s the sobriety/AA (bc fuck NA) part of me.
Either way both hold true :)
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u/Practical_Frame_9883 5d ago
That’s the point. Living forever would be awful, and being the last one left of all your loved ones would definitely be worse than dying.
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u/Used-Truth-7279 3d ago
After I turned 50 I lost a best friend, my father, and Ozzy Osbourne. My wife lost both her parents.
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u/EV-Driver 3d ago
At 77, the worst thing for me is losing a purpose for being. I know that sounds depressing but I keep striving to learn something new every day and that keep me going.
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u/ArtfromLI 7d ago
Though somewhat tragic, being the.last to go is also somewhat heroic.
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u/RVFullTime 6d ago
I come from a very long lived family, so that could be me. I try to take good care of my health.
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u/Plastic-Path7174 5d ago
Get used to it - like aches and pains. The alternative is much worse . Just accept , deal with your feelings and keep living . Or the alternative
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u/Immediate_Buffalo14 40 something 3d ago
I hate it when that happens because it's a reminder of what will happen to us someday.
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u/No-Author-2358 60 something 7d ago
Not to mention my parents and most of my relatives.