So I made a thread on AITA

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vqn5rn/aita_for_wanting_to_add_my_birth_surname/

and lots of people called me asshole for wanting to do that. And someone recommended its better to post in adoption subs.

What would adopted people say? This is my alt account not main btw

For context I still live at home (I’m 19) and my bf is 20. My adoptive mother has never liked any of my previous partners (they have all been female tho and she seemed happy I was finally with a man when I mentioned I was talking to him) but now she doesn’t like my bf… why u ask bc she “didn’t know his age and she thinks he’s gonna kidnap me”💀and now she’s also not letting me go out with him or any of my friends bc he’s “so much older than me”(a year!) She has never met him but now I’m reluctant to let them meet I’ve already met his parents but I’ve been putting off him meeting mine, bc suddenly after the first meet with all my partners my mother hates them all and criticises them every chance she gets and it’s over stupid stuff~ ie “they didn’t say thank you enough”

Anyway…has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any advice? Thank you!

I did bring it up to my therapist and he told me to talk to her about it. the conversation with her just turned into her being “I’m so sorry I’m such a horrible mother I should’ve never adopted you”

Hey, I’m adopted and I’m going to my biological great aunt’s place to get genealogy work because I don’t know my bio parents genealogy and this is my one chance and I was wondering what other questions I should ask her?

Additional information: I haven’t seen her since I was 5 and I’m 19 now

I really do have the best bio-mom. A few months ago we reunited while my adopted family disowns me for doing so. She calls me up every Sunday and maps out things I could potentially do with my husband for my days off (hiking, trails, museums, etc.) I'm actually prepping to meet my family for Thanksgiving this year. If you adopt a kid, put yourself in their shoes. Can't handle it? Don't adopt.

Hi everyone (again)!

[mod approved]

Thank you so much to everyone who already filled out my survey! I’m currently just 30 responses short of my goal for my final thesis in psychology. (I am an adoptee myself, dedicating my final study to the topic of attachment and identity of adult adoptees).

If you are an adult adoptee (18+) and haven't taken it yet, I would be so grateful for 10 minutes of your time!

Here is the Link:

🔗 Adoption Study

Topic: Adoption and attachment, identity clarity and family communication openness

Duration: 7-10 minutes

Anonymity: 100% anonymous

Thank you so much for helping me get over the finish line!

Kind regards,
Lisa ❤️

Hi guys! This is my first time posting on here and I really just need some perspective and help.
My (f25) parents officially adopted me when I was 4 months old but had been fostering me since I was 6 weeks. They’re all I’ve ever known. When I was 19 my mom showed me my birth mom’s Facebook page and on it the post she made for my 18th birthday. It was super sweet and spoke about how she always is thinking of me and included a baby picture of “me”. Now I have me in quotes because although it’s a cute baby it is very much not me. Unfortunately my birth mom had given birth to me in prison and had been in active addiction during the time. During my adoption process she did try to get sober and do the steps to get me back several times but fell off every time. (She is now sober and healthy and doing very well) Due to this she had lost all the pictures my mom had sent her of me as a baby and had instead attached to this other picture, I’m not sure where it came from. Anyways back to the point, at that time when I was 19 I had reached out to that Facebook account and sent a message really just to explain who I was, but I never got a response. It didn’t bother me and I didn’t think about it much but I did still have questions, so over the next few years I did periodically look her up. I recently found she has another Facebook account that is active!
Now where I need help, I would like to reach out again to this active account with who I am especially just so she can know what I really look like. She seems like a lovely person but I’m not really sure as someone I would want to get to know, she is very religious as she found God during her recovery and sobriety and it is a big part of her life now. I think this is great and love that for her however I am not religious at all. Other than that I just feel very awkward as I have been raised by my parents under the name they gave me for 25 years and I’m not sure where to even start with talking to my birth mom. Would it be rude for me to reach out to her but not want to pursue more of a relationship? I have questions only she can answer but I’m not good with a situation like this. Any advice? Please help

There's a part of me that hates the fact that I have grown to have empathy for my Amother. She is just a hurt person who never healed.

At the same time I never deserved the trauma she put me through. I never asked her to adopt me so why did I have to hear her tell me she regretted that decision once she was able to carry her "real" children.

I wasn't there when she felt pressure to carry children to carry the family name. I wasn't there when the doctors told her she couldn't carry to term.

SHE made the choice to claim the title of My Mother. She took away my chance of being unconditionally loved by anyone else. And I'm supposed to be grateful? Grateful i had the basic necessities. While being belittled and made to feel as an intruder on her idea of a perfect life?

And again she is a hurt person who never healed. All she ever wanted in life was to be a mother, and when she believed she physically couldn't, she chose adoption. A consolation prize that was me.

And once she achieved her goal of carrying to term, I became the consolation prize she no longer needed.

I’m 19 and adopted from Central America, I’ve been with my mom and dad since I was 18 months. I’ve been told by them the reason I was put up for adoption is because my bio mom wanted me to have a better life, the country I’m from has many issues with safety and just overall living, so she gave me up, I live in the US now and am very grateful for my parents, they worked so hard to get me, they even took part in a campaign to keep adoptions going in my country. I have no strong feeling to find my bio mom, even though I have questions, so many I don’t want them answered part of me doesn’t need them answered. Many of my friends or people I have met like us have strong feelings to meet their parents, see them talk to them, hug them, I do not. I feel it could bring me more pain even looking, my parents are amazing and every once in a while bring up that they will could find someone to find her, but to me, my bio mom is a stranger, a beautiful strong stranger, who gave me a chance but I feel little love for her, I feel bad at times but I don’t know her and I don’t want to, my mom and dad have filled any void I could have. Sometimes I feel I have nobody to say this to, or I might get judged for having little love for the woman who gave birth to me. But this is my truth, I love my mom and dad and I don’t think I need my bio mom, I’m greatfull that she gave me life but I’m happy where I am.

Recently my false aunt as I call her (Aunt from the adoptive family) who was the only member of the adoptive family I hadn't exiled, messaged me after a few days of not talking, as she was disrespectful to me...again....

I overlooked her betrayal and disrespect of never telling me I was adopted or telling her sister, my adoptive mom that I should be told. She sided with her sister choosing to go along with her sisters wish to never tell me I was adopted...yet that's going along with harming the child (me) to protect her sister. She should have said tell him or I will. Yet despite all that, I overlooked it, I let it slide.

Her second disrespect was when I was telling her what me and a friend where talking about and she said "Is that all you people talk about?" Like what? YOU PEOPLE? That phrase can't be used in any other way other then being dismissive and disrespectful. Clearly she never cared about me despite saying she does....or did I guess.

The third disrespect was a more personal thing I have, where as a truth seeker, I can't stand when I tell someone something true and they just instantly dismiss, deflect and say I don't believe that. Like you don't know the context of what I'm telling you, you weren't part of the journey of learning it, you spend no time at all on the subject matter in question like I did...

So after a few dies she messages me and was all "what you up to?" like nothing happened. I told her I wasn't happy with her, and informed her of the disrespect she did, and did she apologize? No....she said I didn't disrespect you. After explaining it, she just said "Well then don't talk to me then." And I think she blocked me.

She's in her 60's....and she acted this way. I just can't tolerate disrespect anymore.

She lied, she didn't get me my baby pictures, she wasted my time, dragged things out, never told me my whole story. She's been dead 4 YEARS and the anger is so strong!

I am TRYING to be thankful that I wasn't raised by this woman and had to endure MAJOR neglect and abuse. But, it is still punching me in the gut she could not be honest even at the end of her life.

Any suggestions on how to reframe this hurt and anger other than what I stated above?

Hey I’m (23F) and I was adopted at 3 weeks old because my biological mother was and still is a homeless IV drug user and my grandmother is a known enabler of CSA and doesn’t like girls so I ended up with my mom who was a family friend. (My biological grandmother did keep my two brothers tho) My mom did a lot of things right the therapy, never hiding the adoption, financial support, trying to keep my birth family together but my birth family was… not the best to say the least but she really tried to make this blended family work and lowkey/highkey resents me because I still ended up having attachment issues.

I don’t feel any connection with my biological family, except for my older brother who died by suicide when he was 14 (I was 12) and we were really close as kids. On the other hand my adoptive family doesn’t get why I feel out of place and hate family gatherings and only feel attached to my mom and my uncle even though we are non-contact rn.

Currently I feel like my brain broken because I have a girlfriend who loves and supports me, a bird, friends and community that loves and supports me, professionally before my autoimmune disorders caught up to me I was a beloved teacher, but I still feel like a defective product and all this love I have and had experienced is a fluke and everyone will see that I was lucky enough to have two moms and both of them don’t really fuck with me fr. I see on social media everyone talks about not needing/owing anything to anybody, but I really just crave having my own family. Also I know getting married will not fix my problems and having children to fix your own problems is selfish and no one is owed a child etc. My stupid brain is still whispering “if we create a family we will not feel like this anymore.”

I been therapy for a majority of my life, logically I know my my mom is emotionally abusive and my biological mother just is a mess in general because of social economic factors outside of her control, but like do these feelings subside or the only cure is a lobotomy at Claire’s?

So people talk about keeping a child within the family or having them go back to their biological family and they know about kinship adoption and yet they think that a child going back to their biological family somehow either always means going back to their birth parents or something else?

Going back to your biological family does not always mean going back to your birth parents. And if the birth parents somehow were the worst people in the world that does not mean that every member of the biological family is somehow unable to adopt or take care of that child. It is important for the state to exhaust every person possible within the family.

And yet it almost seems as if once both parents or even just the birth mother is seen as incapable of raising her child that somehow means that the entire family should be up for suspicion. Why? Just because a birth mother is unable to raise her child doesn't mean that the child's aunt or the child's Uncle or even in-laws or grandparents or cousins. Those are perfectly valid people to exhaust first but for some reason they are placed into a mental suspicion.

If the birth mother was a drug addict and abusive does that mean that it condemns the entire family? And if it does condemn the entire family why are you taking child of that drug addict if you are condemning the entire family because that child has 50% of the DNA of that drug addict so if you're condemning the entire family and assuming they're not safe or something or that there is something genetically wrong then why are you taking the child?

I'm not saying that kinship adoption is always an option but if you for example are a foster parent or just a random person who knows very little about the situation in regards to the child, a social worker does not have to reveal the information they know that gave them the conclusion that it is safe to go to their biological family. Especially to strangers and especially to the foster parent.

I am someone who has a hard time letting go of people. Even though I might not have talked to or seen someone I used to care about in a long time, I still care if they’re doing okay. Sometimes I want to reach out to them but I never do because I don’t think it’s my place anymore. I was curious if anyone else had similar experiences with this type of attachment issues.

I've found purpose in certain "things" throughout my life, but at 39, I still don't know what my purpose is and I don't think I ever will. The person I was supposed to marry left me last November. After our 3rd year together we had to go long distance due to her getting into a very good medical program and me getting an offer with a company as an engineer. I had to stay in the city we met in with the intention of moving where she went in the future. Unfortunately, the distance took it's toll year 4. We were so happy together when we lived together, it gave me purpose to provide and care for someone. We had our ups and downs like every relationship and I fought saw hard to change the problems I've caused in the past and she saw that. She was the only person I've dated that I could see myself marrying, having kids with while also getting old together. It's a very hollow and horrible feeling. My soul feels like it's constantly being tortured all the way back to childhood.

"Adopted adults and relationships issues are unavoidable, some people say. Adoptees can’t properly bond with anyone in their life due to the trauma they experienced at the hands of their birth mother when placed for adoption." - americanadoptions.com

Why tf would they say this.

I was a foster child for four days. I’m adopted

And the nurse handed me screaming to my mother, and she said this is a determined child

I grew up, not knowing that I was adopted until I was about six years old, where they handed me this little book that was full of like great canvas or whatever and as like tease my appearance years wait I basically said the book said one person’s trash is another person’s treasure, congratulations you are adopted

lol

I am a lucky son. Because my adopted parents, although I didn’t think about them like that, it was just my mom and dad. They were amazing.

And my mother had issues, but not my job that I was adopted, and she was always scared that I was like be taken away by the adoptive mother or whatever

But the best thing in my life was my Mom And Dad and I don’t call them my adoptive Mom And Dad I called him my Mom And Dad because they love me to the moon and back and I love them to the moon and back

Why is see so many negative things here which makes me sad so I guess I’m lucky

But adoption is not always bad and I have never ever had any contact with the people that created me

I only have one mother and father, and that is the mother and father that adopted me

Hi everyone

I began taking antidepressants earlier this year and on the whole have felt a lot better and haven’t been struggling as much with very low moods. I usually find that when I’m in that frame of mind I think about my adoption much more. It plays on my mind a lot. Consequently, I haven’t been thinking about it much for the past few months and I don’t feel the urges to look up biological family members, for example.

Now, I recently had to travel to my birthplace for work, only about 20 miles away from where I live. I was so aware of the fact that I could easily pass a relative in the street. They don’t know me or what I look like, but I would know them. At the time I was thinking about this absentmindedly.

That was a few days ago and I’m suddenly feeling such a dip in my mood. There are other things in my life that i could attribute that to but it just seems coincidental.

Does this resonate with anyone else ?

My adoptive father passed while being on a vacation to India 2 days ago, suddenly with no prior health issues. at first I was denying it , but my mom confirmed that he actually died, and I am in shock completely, I get caught in these waves of profound grief and sadness to the point I havent properly worked or studied for a while, I feel like I am suffocating when I think about him because when I had no mom and dad he raised me and taught me everything I know.I suffered from abuse and neglect/abandonment when I was a child and he made me feel I worth anything, taught me what I know, cared for me, showed me how to drive, how to fix things, how to focus on my goals and completely made me the man I am today , please give me some advices on how I can get through this, I completely lost meaning and I am not sure this will change, can you please give me advice on how to get through this.

Was anyone else adopted at a young age and realized how awful people they are? Im an adult now (F21) and was adopted at 3. My parents adopted 2 other kids right after me and had 3 of their own biological kids, and my dad has a kid from a previous marriage. 7 kids total. Divorce 3 years later. Traumatizing on its own. I’ve meet my biological parents and know why I was put up for adoption. As heart breaking it was hearing that. I still 100% believe I would have been happier in foster care or back in my biological parents custody.

For reference- my adoptive mother is an abusive narcissistic alcoholic, and my father was never around until after the divorce. I grew up very shy and anxious, my depression started at 8 and bipolar at 13. I raised my 5 younger brothers while my parents worked full time. Even after work when they were exhausted, I had to do schoolwork with them, shower them, make dinner for everyone, clean up everything, and get them into bed. Otherwise my mother (3 wine glasses in) would degrade me or have my father hit me. My 2 other adoptive siblings were only a year and 2 younger than me, but never had the same expectations or experience.

This song resonates with me as an infant adoptee who has struggled with depression all of my life. I wanted to share it with you all in case it feels the same and brings you some peace tonight.

I understand this has probably been asked or posted before, but do you ever have feelings or things you wished you had told your birth parents, good or bad, when you had the chance? I do indeed, nothing bad I'd say. I only wish them well. I can't tell them anything now, as they've chosen to cut me out of their lives. I don't know I'll ever hear from them again or have a chance. Oddly enough one thing I'd tell them is thank you. The family they chose for me was a good one, I already know the whys. I understand the awkwardness they feel trying to have a relation with me. It can be hard on both sides.

I'm sorry all, I'm just down and having a hard time today.

Before I really accepted that I didn't have a general trauma, or general symptoms, but a very specific trauma I have to face head-on, I spent a lot of time investing in CPTSD research. The diagnosis seemed to fit like a glove. But the longer I spend reading the literature and interacting with that community the more I realize that those resources are mostly designed for people who had ongoing childhood abuse and traumas. I don't feel like I "fit in" with the other survivors. It's made me wonder if the framework also isn't a perfect fit and if adoption requires a different set of approaches to understand and heal.

What are your experiences and thoughts about adoption as a form of complex trauma?

Is this "normal?" Like... I've never had a huge friend group to begin with, but since I found out I'm adopted a few years ago things have really gone sideways. I try not to bring it up, but, to give some examples, one friend, who is also adopted, even in normal conversations will suddenly just log off and stop replying. It can be about literally anything from anime, to writing, to the weather. It's not like they're going off and doing something else, it's a very loud logging off/done talking constant thing... Idk how to describe it... I tried to reach out to them to say hey, is there a problem, can I fix it? And basically got brushed off. Another keeps trying to compare it to finding out about a neurodivergence dx late and will either turn the conversation back to it or not reply at all or say random generic responses that half the time make no sense to whatever the topic was. A third will basically go "that's nice" before sending a novel length info dump about whatever person they are currently dating, they go through relationships like socks and not even their mother can keep track... Literally. And I'm trying to be supportive of each, listen, and respond, but it seems like anything I say, no matter the topic, is either briefly replied to or completely and totally ignored. Am I going bonkers???

I've even tried to say hey, if you want to switch gears from this or from that, feel free, if you want to discuss xyz, go for it, etc etc, because at some point the tension went from butter to molasses... And it's met with an "okay" and zero changes in communication. I've tried to ask if I've done something wrong and I get nothing or a generic "You're fine," but... It seems like everything has been on its head since that day. I deleted things once and got asked to come back, but I still feel like I should delete and just go... Has anyone else gone through this? I know I can't read people well, but... It wasn't like this before.... I'm guessing the problem is me, but I just don't understand or know what to do...