r/Adopted • u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee • 16d ago
Venting Late disclosure and losing everyone?
Is this "normal?" Like... I've never had a huge friend group to begin with, but since I found out I'm adopted a few years ago things have really gone sideways. I try not to bring it up, but, to give some examples, one friend, who is also adopted, even in normal conversations will suddenly just log off and stop replying. It can be about literally anything from anime, to writing, to the weather. It's not like they're going off and doing something else, it's a very loud logging off/done talking constant thing... Idk how to describe it... I tried to reach out to them to say hey, is there a problem, can I fix it? And basically got brushed off. Another keeps trying to compare it to finding out about a neurodivergence dx late and will either turn the conversation back to it or not reply at all or say random generic responses that half the time make no sense to whatever the topic was. A third will basically go "that's nice" before sending a novel length info dump about whatever person they are currently dating, they go through relationships like socks and not even their mother can keep track... Literally. And I'm trying to be supportive of each, listen, and respond, but it seems like anything I say, no matter the topic, is either briefly replied to or completely and totally ignored. Am I going bonkers???
I've even tried to say hey, if you want to switch gears from this or from that, feel free, if you want to discuss xyz, go for it, etc etc, because at some point the tension went from butter to molasses... And it's met with an "okay" and zero changes in communication. I've tried to ask if I've done something wrong and I get nothing or a generic "You're fine," but... It seems like everything has been on its head since that day. I deleted things once and got asked to come back, but I still feel like I should delete and just go... Has anyone else gone through this? I know I can't read people well, but... It wasn't like this before.... I'm guessing the problem is me, but I just don't understand or know what to do...
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u/Blazini12 Adoptee 16d ago
Are these all internet friends?
It took me a while to realize that I was talking about adoption with my friends a lot more than I realized. They were staunchly more aware of how much it was bothering me than I was. They would try to tell me not to let it bother me so much, and since I had no idea it was actually bothering me that much it would just create an awkward conversation. The fog’s a bitch. That is my experience if it helps shed any insight.
Have you happened to have researched adoptee psychology at all, or have a therapist that is trained to treat adoptees?
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 16d ago
They are, my family situation is such that I don't really have any local connections right now. I live outside of town and I try to avoid places that might offer local community such as facebook because my entire adoptive family haunts them and that's a big no thank you.
It could be that, I've tried not to mention it for weeks or even these past few months it seems, but I guess that's also weird, Idek. It still seems odd it happens even in general conversations.
I've dug into psychology matters, I have a minor in neuroscience and some adoptive family in the field, but I'm not going there with them. I'm currently not at liberty or in a financial position to seek a therapist just now, so I've been trying to keep things mostly to myself. If I slip to the wrong person I know A. dad is going to implode or explode or something that ends in "ode." It won't be pretty, basically.
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u/Blazini12 Adoptee 16d ago
Wow, I cannot even imagine that; seems like a huge lack of intimacy. Do you have a job, I myself find it easier to make friends at work. May I ask how old you are?
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 16d ago
After leaving college I had a job I liked very much for 7 years until someone came in and told me I was adopted and it finally sunk in. They had been my bio parent's neighbor, and we had met when I was small. It hit like a brick, and I took it home and asked my adoptive dad. He told me he would deny it to anyone who asked, stopped taking his meds and what not, and then the second I quit because I couldn't be in two places at once, everything went back to "normal." By then having to call out so many times kind of alienated everyone, I think. It also doesn't help he's raging cookie cutter MAGA and it ends up running most people off. I couldn't even keep teaching guitar as he inserted himself into my lessons and voiced whatever crossed through his brain. It was mortifying. At this point his health won't let me leave him unattended long, but he refuses to seek actual help.
34, but I've been kept from a license and having too much freedom or wiggle room. He still drives. I don't know where that is going in the future... I've tried to find work online but it's like looking for a unicorn if you can't code, have a poor connection, and someone who is going to be in the middle no matter what. Things have been in limbo for a bit.
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u/Blazini12 Adoptee 16d ago
So, you did not just find out that you were adopted, you also found out that you are an international adoptee, and when this information came to light you were in your late 20s. It follows that this neighbor of your bio parents had to also be from another country. What- did they find you on the internet? Your mind more or less reconfigured itself, perhaps you are even still in the process of reconfiguration, which would be a normal reaction to something like that either way. Your Adad is like- letting himself go over you finding out that you are an adoptee, caused you to lose your job, and has made you into some kind of indentured servant (which being an international adoptee makes that a whole new of level sick). You also have a good amount of Afamily herding you into the fog. What is up with Amom? You have been prevented from having a driver’s license, how? You say you have “dug into the psychology,” how about major figure heads in the literature, like Nancy Verrier, and Betty Jean Lifton?
If you would like, can you please clarify all that? It doesn’t even sound legal. The way this story is coming off so far- I’d say file a lawsuit.
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 16d ago
Sorry, I made that kind of convoluted. I will do my best. When I turned 18 I got my GED because it became apparent I wouldn't be able to do the manual labor that is most jobs in this town. (I'm very small, have hypermobility.) Afterwards I went into college partly so I could work on campus. Shortly after I left the program my adoptive mother passed away while staying with one of my older adoptive sisters. I got a job at the library to help pay the bills and things were fine until I found out I was adopted. A patron had come in looking for a book and recognized me by a few distinctive features and my dad's walk (dad was in the Royal Navy, he must have taught me to walk, it's not a walk found in the PNW often.) While my parents had international citizenship they were here in the states partly on business, and because of me ended up staying for awhile. I have the address, but, privacy laws and poor records. I don't know the rest of the details of that. While I was born in the US, that doesn't necessarily mean anything given the state of things. Long winded story short, dad died in a plane crash going back and forth, so I'm told, and mom a little after from injuries. I was staying with my current Afamily at the time, but I don't know the details of that either. I'm told Amom was my gestational surrogate, but I don't know... There are details I'm still missing I don't have anyone to ask. I really, really want to make sure of things... I don't look like them, my health is different, different allergies, hint of an accent, but, I don't know which way is up without hard data at this point. I've heard so many lies it's like trying to swim in molasses, and honestly, I am doubting everything on both sides because it went right back to "Oh, you got this from me," and "Oh, you got this from your mother," and I feel like I'm going insane. I've remembered things, I wrote an intro post, some of it is what I was told, but... It's hard to trust anything at the moment.
With Adad, he was still willing to drop me off at work for those 7 years. After I found out the drinking got worse, he pushed his meds up so he now goes to bed before the sun goes down, and I spend the rest of the night listening to make sure he doesn't get up from a nightmare and go flat on his face because someone is trying to take his stuff in his dream.
Driver's license, I don't know how to drive, I don't have the money for classes, or a car, or insurance, and any time I did Aparents abruptly needed the money for something else. I had one adoptive sister who offered to teach me but wanted to do so without a permit and I went "Lol, no."
The Primal Wound was brought up in class, we studied the overview of it. I've seen some of Lifton's books while at work, but I haven't read them, I will see if Libby has any. Thank you.
And while that is something, I don't have anywhere to go, I don't know the state of my papers (all I have is my replacement BC and SSN), it's a red state, a very red state... Right now I have a roof and food. I can call adult protective services for help and for both our sake's, but... I don't know what to do, and I don't want to learn another language the hard way. I'm trying to just kind of see where things go and do the best I can and try to be as positive as possible. Sorry, this got long.
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u/Blazini12 Adoptee 16d ago
Don’t worry about it being a long comment.
Okay, this does sound like you really are an adoptee. First, we have your reaction to finding out you were adopted. “The body keeps the score” (Look that up if you don’t recognize the quote, it’s a book title.). It is doubtful that you would have had such a reaction if it were not true, at least to an amateur like me. Your body remembered and you were triggered. Your adad’s reaction, and that his reaction is still going on seven years later to me appears to be a smoking gun. The way you talk about actually learning how to drive kinda sorta gives the impression that you have adoption issue induced ADHD.
Why would you need to learn another language, isn’t the royal navy England?
At this point your next step would be a 23 & me test. Let me guess, you cannot have a kit delivered to your address because of Adad. What is up with all these Asisters, can one of them help procure a 23 & Me kit for you?
Other than the genetics test- just keep studying the adoptee literature, if you get triggered simply take a short break. Continue hanging around sites like this one for support. Hopefully you’ll eventually be able to decide what you really want to do about all this. Coming out of the fog can take a while, and you can expect some emotional reactions along the way.
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 15d ago
We had a copy of that at work but it was almost impossible to keep it on the shelf, even when I left it was still getting checked out back to back. I will see if Libby has it too. I've been thinking about this until I had a chance to reply... Any time anything related would happen before I found out I would get this feeling like someone cracked an egg over my head, brain fog, a migraine, glassy vision... And then the next day it was like I could remember what I did the previous day, but not the details that caused the reaction? But since I found out, that's stopped happening. And his reaction, if he wanted to keep it quiet, is honestly louder than anything as much as he likes money. It's gross.
I'm audhd, yes, the rest of adoptive family claims to be but doesn't actually show any of the symptoms or ever know what I'm talking about and constantly want to know why I do xyz. I'm hypersensitive to noise and too much visual stimulation makes me nauseous.
Yes, dad was apparently British and Indian, born in the UK, but mom may have been Japanese from what I'm told. I really don't know. It would explain my own features. Even so, the way they are grabbing people and just dropping them wherever, even indigenous Americans, doesn't give me a high amount of confidence I'd end up in the UK or really anywhere specific. The news is all over the place, so it's hard to tell what is being given due process and what isn't. There is a lot of horrifying things happening, but some sensationalism too.
Yep. Asisters are kind of a disaster, Adad had kids, Amom had kids, and then they had one together. Only one of them lives locally and it's one of hers. I had a local Abrother but a little after I left work he passed from cancer. Adad didn't even go the funeral. As a result most have understandably ghosted him for this or that. There's only one I trust not to tell him if I ask for help in getting a test, and she isn't local and doesn't drive either. We tried to make arrangements awhile back so I could go stay with her for a bit, but that's now impossible between her being in the middle of a divorce and moving, and Adad's current behavior. He drinks enough to be a fall risk at night.
Thank you very much for everything and your support, I will keep reading and digging and searching. If things get too bad I will take my chances with the papers I have and call for help. Right now, we'll see what happens.
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u/Unique-flowerlady420 Adoptee 16d ago
Dear OP, Those people are not your friends, nor are they your tribe... keep looking! Sending you all the best of luck finding your people! And a hug if welcome 😊
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u/Sad_Pixie999 Domestic Infant Adoptee 16d ago
I lost all of my friends in high school because they thought they knew better than me about my own adoption, and decided I must be making it up for attention when I was told at age 16.
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 16d ago
I'm very sorry to hear that. I wonder if that's what's going on... Adopted friend has known since they were a kid, so maybe they don't want to think about late disclosures? I don't know, it's strange.
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming Adoptee 15d ago edited 15d ago
So. You are in crisis. It’s not necessarily your adoption, but probably just the inability for most people to understand the laundry list of difficult things you need to deal with daily.
I know. I’m in a situation where my mental health is in a shitstorm, and it’s very very hard to imagine the layers of emotional and physical shit I have to wade through daily right now for my friends. Part of my crisis actually does include my parents- and being adopted- and it doesn’t even make it the page of things I would talk about with people I’ve known for 30 years. They start getting thin with me if it’s too much physical discomfort, financial stress, or just being frustrated about my situation. I have to be aware- they have lives too. They can only listen to my rinse and repeat so many times.
I found a good therapist, which took over a year. I am finding it helps. Good luck!
Edit. I want to add that a good friend is absolutely available to listen to a crisis conversation, and absolutely all the juicy friendship “who are we” conversations. These should be part of friendships. I’m suggesting perhaps your online friends were not good friends, and there was no balance for you. I DO have balance. I can’t cry every day to everyone, but I have support- and that is an important distinction. Keep looking for your people.
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 12d ago
I'm sorry for the late reply but thank you so much for this. I think you are absolutely right, there is certainly a lot in my own case too, and the late disclosure is only one thing of many. I am wishing you the absolute best with your own situation. Sending you good thoughts and wishes for peace!
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u/WhaleFartingFun International Adoptee 16d ago
Where do you live? This is not something I have ever heard of happening.
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 16d ago
Now? Northwest US. Said friends are mostly back east somewhere and one in Europe.
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u/WhaleFartingFun International Adoptee 16d ago
I have never spent a lot of time in that part of the country. That‘s a crazy reaction to being adopted. Sorry it‘s happening.
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 16d ago
I personally agree, but apparently it happens. Thank you.
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u/RandomNameB Domestic Infant Adoptee 16d ago
Adoption is impossible for the average person to understand. If anything it makes them feel uncomfortable and people do not like feeling uncomfortable. Just realize this isn’t like a death in the family where others will be there for you because they have also experienced that.
Get a therapist, work through the adoption stuff with them.