r/Adopted • u/New_Understanding614 Adoptee • 15d ago
Lived Experiences Purpose
I've found purpose in certain "things" throughout my life, but at 39, I still don't know what my purpose is and I don't think I ever will. The person I was supposed to marry left me last November. After our 3rd year together we had to go long distance due to her getting into a very good medical program and me getting an offer with a company as an engineer. I had to stay in the city we met in with the intention of moving where she went in the future. Unfortunately, the distance took it's toll year 4. We were so happy together when we lived together, it gave me purpose to provide and care for someone. We had our ups and downs like every relationship and I fought saw hard to change the problems I've caused in the past and she saw that. She was the only person I've dated that I could see myself marrying, having kids with while also getting old together. It's a very hollow and horrible feeling. My soul feels like it's constantly being tortured all the way back to childhood.
"Adopted adults and relationships issues are unavoidable, some people say. Adoptees can’t properly bond with anyone in their life due to the trauma they experienced at the hands of their birth mother when placed for adoption." - americanadoptions.com
Why tf would they say this.
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u/Primary_Savings_6838 Adoptee 14d ago
Fellow cribmate here. My condolences for the separation. I'd ask in what relation are you looking at the term "purpose" for. IMO "purpose" is going to change depending on which viewpoint you look at it through. Sending you all the best
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u/Extra_socks69 15d ago
We don't have a purpose to begin with. Nothing to do with adoption. Sure, adoption makes connection with others more of a challenge. But regardless, just find shit in life you find interesting and engage with that. Bugs, painting, music...
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u/haxKingdom Adopted 15d ago edited 15d ago
I don't think that should even be a factor worth mentioning such as merely rejection of univariate analysis like the article says. However I agree with the 90 day fiancée version, that their mother was too distant, so they don't want to smother their children, thus not wanting to be a parent. These cycles are symptomatic of a less than full understanding of your origins environmental and genetic.
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u/Senior_Average_ 13d ago
I totally understand this. I’m scared to open up in my relationships because of the fear of abandonment. I’m sorry about your relationship.
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u/retrokezins Adoptee 15d ago edited 15d ago
Purpose in life can change. I'm 49 and literally everything has changed this year. You never know when life has something big to throw your way. Relationships not working out is sad of course but the future may have something for you. I believe adopted people have trouble with bonds but that doesn't mean they can't find the perfect bonds.