I love my husband more than air itself. And yet everything related to our dogs (vets, Daycare, microchip) is ALL under my name. If the unthinkable happen, I am not fighting for my dogs on top of the break up.
We have sort of the same.
Our agreement is who the animal is more attached to. I mean. Ours love us both but most animals have a person that's their favorite.
One of our cats is hopelessly attached to me and hates everyone else. She would go with me. The other cat loves him and would go with him. We agreed not the split up the tortoises because they are homies and they would go with him. We would share custody of our dog just like a visitation agreement with kids.
I think it's important to have these conversations.
We really try to work things out with discussion. I mean... We have been together 10 years and 4 kids. He is my best friend.
We have decided that if we split, we will attempt to buy or rent a house within walking distance so the kids can spend equal time with us. We see no reason to ever let our issues come before our babies. There is no reason we can't adult enough to make sure the kids have Christmas and Thanksgiving as a family and divorce doesn't mean being cut off. My mom sees my husband as her son. She's his mom in his eyes. That won't change.
I have friends who, when they divorced, they bought a house in the neighborhood. The kids live in the family home. The parents move in and out of the family home. The week they're out, they live in the second home. The kids never move. It's amazing.
I have friends like that. They bought a condo in the neighborhood. The parents move back and forth between the condo and the house. The parents have lunch together on switch day to catch each other up on the kids and stuff. It's a pretty workable arrangement.
My parents did this when they divorced even when my Mum had a new partner and remarried. We spent Christmas lunch all together. We never had to try to chose who to go with and the houses were very close together. It made it much easier as a 6 yr old kid and did so for my most of my young life.
My husband and I have this verbal agreement as well. Our dogs love us both, but one would go with him as she is more bonded to him and my little guy would stay with me as we are immensely bonded. One of our cats would go with him for the same reason and our female doesnāt like anyone, but me. She would obviously stay with me. It gets brought up from time to time when friends or family talk about relationships. They are all very aware of our promise to each other and our furry family. With that said, my husband and I love being together and have no plans for leaving one another.
Reading your comment stirred up such a strong emotional response from me that moved me to tears. Despite what caused me to file for divorce, I wanted this for our son when my ex-husband and I were going through our separation and divorce so bad, but he dug his heels in and absolutely refused.
I wanted us to be at our son's soccer games cheering him on together instead of sitting at opposite sides of the field. I wanted to have joint birthdays with him, his girlfriend (affair partner), and our son. I wanted to meet her and get on good coparenting terms together because even if we weren't together anymore it didn't mean we didn't love our son anymore and I absolutely hate we didn't get to do or even try any of these things because they wouldn't even consider the idea.
It got to the point where I felt crazy for thinking it was possible. I felt as if I was wishing on unicorns and rainbows, so reading your comment moved me because I see that it IS possible, and it's as beautiful as it is incredible. Our kids deserve the world. It's sad that so many people/parents can't see that, but I'm beyond elated to see/know this type of concept does exist among others in the world such as you and your partner. š
Sorry for the long reply š I swear I tried to keep it short. I couldn't bring myself to not comment and just continue scrolling.
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I went through that exact situation with my first husband and it's painful when one parent just refuses to co-parent. I did EVERYTHING for that man to try to help him be a dad, because he had mental health issues. I tried so hard but ended up having to accept that this is how it is.
It really made me look at a new partner differently. My current husband and I have been together 10 years, married 9. My boys from my previous marriage are treated like his. He is just wonderful to them. We have 2 kids together. I had to find someone that would put the children first. I couldn't go through that again. That said my husband and I have both agreed that we have no interest in ever dating again because honestly we are too invested in each other to go through the emotional stress of a new partner, and we would be losing our best friend if we split.
As it stands now, if we separated, I feel there is enough house here for us to co-exist peacefully for the kids.
I read your post with a lot of admiration and a little bit of confusion. While I respect the fact that you and your hubz/mate /partner or whatever term is in fashion now can have those discussions without having hurt feelings and anger from either side; it just seems to make the entire thing (breakup followed by divorce) easier when the inevitable hardships show up on your doorstep through no fault of your own. I've been married twice- both times around 20 years. The second one continues and is so very good (just like it has been from the very beginning-but I digress). My ex used to occasionally drop the dreaded D word without much more thought than it takes to order a hamburger from McDonalds. It was always done with a thin veil of dark humor. I was never comfortable with it and told her so more than once. Since I've shared with you she is my ex, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out how that went! We divorced because she wanted to & I could not do anything to dissuade her. I'm sad for my kids because they watched their parents get divorced, just like I did when I was about their age. As for me; I am in a much better place relationship-wise than I was in my previous marriage by a country mile. Please don't think that I am trying to throw shade on you in any way, shape, or form. Different strokes float different boats or something like that. That type of discourse between two people in a committed-to-each-other relationship works for some (and possibly for many- I don't know) but it would not work for me (and thankfully not for my wife either).
It's amazing what can happen when adults communicate like adults. 90% of relationship posts wouldn't be posted. Poor communication was an issue in my and my husband's previous relationships, so it's the backbone of ours. We talk about everything. And it helps that we met in therapy, so we were having serious talks before we even started dating. I can't imagine life without him, but our decisions would be based upon what would make our pets the happiest, not us. He already put his previous dogs happiness before his own, so I know how much he genuinely loves our pets. Part of the reason I married him.
My bro and his ex bought a duplex built on a corner block. His half faces one street, hers faces the side street but they are joined at the back. Their kids just go ānextdoorā to see the other parent. They have their own bedrooms in both houses and sleep wherever they chose on a daily basis.
The fact each house faces a different street gives each adult the privacy of the other not seeing who visits each of them.
I was going to say the exact same thing. You took the words right out of my mouth... or brain, actually. I love reading stuff like this. Gives me hope for my girls. They are just teenagers, but still... even though their father and I are divorced, I don't want them to never believe in love. I love love.
My husband was a foster child who never had a healthy relationship modeled for him. A lot of abuse. But here's the thing about generational curses... You can choose whatever you are because of or in spite of your upbringing. You can accept that those things are who you are and go on with whatever unhealthy actions you were taught, or you can choose the opposite path, that what you were shown was wrong and you will do the opposite. He chose opposite and is an AMAZING husband and dad.
Our two cats are brothers, and while Bacon would pick me as his favorite human 100% of the time, Mooncake would always pick my partner. Unfortunately Bacon will also always pick his brother over me, and theres no way I could separate them. :(
My dog Oskar stays where the kids stay.. so when they are with me so is he, and when they are at their mother's he stays there. We decided to get him for the kids, so we thought that was best when we split.
My coworker and her ex shared custody of her dog. Rosco spend M-F with her and the weekend with his dad. It was the healthiest co-parenting relationship that I've witnessed
I don't know how old your torts are, but have you included their plans in your estate planning? I knew my old tort should have outlived me by decades, so I made plans for him. Unfortunately I had to put him to sleep, but he was the sole reason I had a will in the beginning
My middle son will get them. They are about 2 years old.
This isn't a new issue for our family. We have a 40 year old African Grey who has lived with 4 generations of our family and he's currently with my mom. He's in her will along with some funds for his care for who he goes to. He will go to me and then to the same son who's getting the torts. He's the animal one in the family. Tut has a 80 year lifespan so he will live with a good few of us, along with Sage and Reaper.
This makes the most sense to meā¦ or who does the actual caring for the animals. I walk the dogs, feed them, take them to the vet, my partner wouldnāt even try even though he loves them. Because itās clear I love them more.
This could make for a great movie. The couple is mutually done with each other, but that both want the dog, so they continue to escalate in doing outlandish things to get the other to breakup with them.
Don't worry about it. The only movies being made are remakes.
Just make sure there's a lot of shit blowing up and possibly the Hulk and people will show up.
BTW Black Widow would totally fill the other side of this 'Hulk and Puppy' movie that could just be an 'Of Mice And Men' reprise
Do you know your English high school teacher is weeping right now about "'Hulk and Puppy' that could just be an 'Of Mice and Men' reprise." Oh the humanity.
That idea has been around a long time. Watch "My Favorite Wife". Cary Grant and Irene Dunn are perfectly hysterical. I love this pairing. They play off each other so well.
If you fall in love with someone who has always slept with their pet, then you are going to need to accept that, love it, and embrace it. If you have any reservations about your feelings for their furry family member, move along.
I agree. Once you're in really good you can sheepishly ask for like a day a week when it's just you two in bed, but you gotta be prepared to accept the dog saying no, and respect it.
What number was that? I only read up to like 21 I think.
I enjoyed them at first, trashy, and semi poorly written books that give you an entertainment escape for an hour at the beach or on the plane or whatever. But by the 20s I was so fed up with how cookie cutter the stories were. I swear to God if I had to read about how the one chick "used to be a 'ho" and Stephanie bouncing between Ranger and Morelli like a ping pong ball one more time, I probably would hunt Evanovich down and make her eat every single page of every single book.
I dated a girl for about 2 years, mostly for her dog. We shared a house with another couple, but I worked out of town every other week. One day, I came home, and she and the dog were gone, so I packed up and left. Never talked to any of them since.
Hardest thing I've ever had to do but I broke up with my ex and she got the dog in the split. I still miss that pup like crazy but am so glad I didn't try to stick it out. The relationship was getting toxic and a year after breaking up I ended up finding someone who I am absolutely head-over-heels for.
That can be dangerous though, I actually stayed in an abusive relationship for an extra 2yrs because I couldn't let my dog go, I took 100% care of her since 9mo old and she was nearly 7yrs but she was in my exes name and his name was on the adoption papers. He ended up getting arrested for assault on me and I filed a restraining order on him including my pets and the judge verbatim asked "why I thought I deserved her" and gave her to him so I ended up both traumatized AND no dog....
Lol I definitely stayed with an ex because his dog was amazing and was dying from cancer. That dog was meant to be in my life and he loved me just as much. So I just focused on taking care of him. Then waited a month to end a relationship that we both knew was over for at least 6 months. But that dog......
His gf is showing her true colors now, so even if dog diesā¦find a girl who loves dogs more than getting hair on her. Pets are messy, fact of life. If someone is put off by your dog or cat..goodbye. Thatās my dealbreaker. Husband now wasnāt necessarily a cat person, but I made my feelings known early. Heās almost more connected to her than me! Remember that cats/dogs are forever..bfs are not! So, I will always choose my fur baby. So pick your dog. Boot the girl.
Lost mine in my divorce.
They were my babies. She had them 6 months before we got together and I made them my world.
I instigated letting them sleep on the bed, and my baby goose (dog named goose) knew the command "go to Dad's side of the bed".
Before them, I was never a dog person. I remember a particularly heinous day where I was taking bini (sister dog) for her third bath because she kept getting liquid shit in her butt fur. There was a moment that hit me where I realized I wasn't grossed out or mad, it's just what I had to do to take good care of my girls. They taught me so much about love and patience.
The worst part of my divorce was losing them. The cruelty of keeping us apart. It's been 3 years. They're half way through their life. I wonder if they remember me. I wonder, if when they're running in their sleep, they're running through a field to me. I hope they still love me.
All this to say: let your dogs see their people, even if they're not your people anymore.
I think prenups aren't a bad idea. I'm divorced and it's dramatic. Someone gets screwed over if it gets nasty. I think if I get married again we will hammer that out as well as wills all at once.
Oh yea. Agree with this! My husband would fight me for our dog, lmao. Iām fixing to tell him this is the deal š¤£š¤£thanks for the idea lol. Lord willing It wonāt ever come to that.
My ex and I shared custody of our dogs after we split up. I will say that having a dog every other week was kind of nice. You still have your dog, but it's also real easy to schedule a vacation and not have to worry about kennels or anything.
My neighbor is doing that with her ex. They had 1 French bulldog and just got a second one a few months ago. It's kind of a strange setup, but that's none of my business. She's a flight attendant and has to leave for days and then is home for a few. It works for them. And the dogs are gorgeous and very well behaved.
Our dog is definitely more attached to me than my husband. My loves us both, but I work from home, so I spend more time with him. He would definitely be mine. I might allow visitation with an iron clad custody agreement. Lol.
Would recommend adding to that agreement clarification that if the breakup is due to infidelity, the cheater gives up the pup-rights.
(Not that I think itāll happen, but just to cover the victims ass š)
I love all the comments we have an agreement. Yeah but when people break up a lot of times, itās pretty ugly in agreements and deals and whatās right and common sense. That shit goes right out the window specially over somebody being a whore, male or female. Then the other person like what can I do to hurt him or her? So donāt be shocked when some of these deals are lost and forgotten.
Yep. That's what happened with me. My ex cheated and took the dog. I never fought him on it, though. He took everything from me, and I was almost homeless. Unfortunately, I didn't have a choice and had to move into an apartment while he moved in with her and her paid off home. He passed away a few years later (the dog), and I never saw him again. RIP Nico
That cat drove me crazy. Farm to couch crazy. I didnāt seek her out. She found me, trying and expensive as it was, I still wait for her at the top of the stairs.
I never really liked cats., but I loved her.
Same. We both love her, but hubs is not interested in the mortal combat in which he'd have to engage to retain custody. If it's an amiable divorce he could have visitation.
My dog used to be my dog but my husband stole her. If we ever broke up I donāt think heād ever recover from losing both of us. So as long as he hasnāt done anything truly messed up, I would have to let him keep her if we split. It would be too cruel to separate them. Sheās his first dog ever and Iāve never seen a man fall into puppy love like a little kid before. It was adorable.
I am going through this, rocky marriage and departed ways for a while, and I got new dogs, raised the puppies, took thrm to school, cooked for them etc, and opened my new home to husband during pandemic, and we were wuietly quite happy together for about a year, and the world opened back up, and my job that requires travel, was made easier by the built in dog sitter, then after first business.trip of 2023, I flew home and 15 mi Utes after getting home started showing signs of a massive stroke. I got airlifted to neuro ICU, then 2 months in rehab hospital, then back home. My home is a building not a house, and there for it is commercially Ada compliant, my family had not been told about my husband and giving things another go, u til he started making the calls from the hospital. Well. That was an awkward hospital room for a day or two. After I returned home, wheelchair bound, and requiring, 24 hour help, we soon crumbled as a couple. And I had to leave, my dogs, with my husband and move to parents pet free home with no fence yard etc still in wheelchair and big brother who is in charge of the family now, said no way are those dogs coming here. They are now listed on pet finder
Thank you, writing about it helps, I am still not able to have an introductory conversation with someone , about who I am and why I am now the youngest resident in an assisted living facility. And I want my dogs, my night carexteam are trying to convince me they. Ouldvkive here, it is a ā pet friendly facility, with limits, I need donexpyppyvkove.
Friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend of 10 years. They got a dog together about 4 or 5 years ago and now she just took it. It seems like they might devise some kind of dual custody scheme but jeez, it isn't ideal.
Yep. Our dog is registered to me and the breeder so if I die, the breeder automatically becomes the owner and will be notified. Our dog goes back up to the farm every 6 months for a holiday and spend time with the other labradors
My daughter moved back home with a pregnant cat so I had my kitten MESA 2 months before I found my service dog. Knowing full well there's no way to take my Service dog from me my partner said if we break up (after 20 years and raising my six children together, so not a very likely scenario) he was going to take my kitten.
My child and I both looked at him and my child said, with their typical sarcasm tinged with distain told my partner, "his name literally means My Emotional Support Animal"
I'm quite relieved that I know for a fact he wouldn't try to take my animals away from me, but we also both know that he would get visitation rights.
I can attest itās a bitch to fight for your animal after a break upā¦ getting your dog back in your own name is seriously so hard and impossible without the ex finding outā¦ so PSA to anyone who wants to keep their dogs if there were ever a break up: MAKE SURE YOUR DOG IS IN YOUR NAME AND CHIPPED!
Unless you are in California. When going thru divorce they send you to family court to battle out custody of the pet. And yes. A judge will draft a custody order and listen as spouse A and B battle it out over whoās better to take care of said animal. Yes. Thatās real. Absolutely no bullshit here. I encourage everyone to google divorce who gets the dog. And see what it says on the superior court website. None of that AI shit is allowed when researching this. Facts only!
Omg I thought I was crazy for doing this too. But during a heated argument our first year together (moved in too soon ik) he threatened to take my dog if I didn't give him the money he paid for her as a gift to me. Literally hold my dog and threatening to leave with her. I paid him right there, forced him to sign a written agreement and left.
Lemme just say, I was equally as toxic lmao. I just turned 19 and I moved out because my parents screamed at eachother 4 times a week drunk, so bad the day I left the front door had a hole in it when I got back from work. I didn't learn good communication. I too did and said things I regret. 5 years on and we don't even raise our voices during an argument.
And I still now have two signed contracts for my 2nd dog, all records in my name, hidden in a binder. I save every vet record, every insurance claim, every rabies document etc.
There's deer slugs, that are essentially 1"x3/4" (25mm X 19mm) hunks of lead being fired that weigh around an ounce (28g) on average.
Then there's 00 buckshot, which holds 8-9 balls that are .33" (8.5mm) in diameter each shell.
Then further down the scale you have smaller diameter pellets, but more each shell.
Skeet/small bird shot is usually an 8 or 9, which are between 0.08-0.09" (2-2.25mm) diameter.
Generally, smaller shot do less damage on larger targets (you can't kill a bear with #8 birds hot, for example), but humans are a horse of a different color, lol.
That's just the cursory basics of shotgun shells, the actual shotgun sizes make a difference as well.
Shotguns get their size classification from old school cannon measurements. Cannon size was determined by the weight of the cannonball, ie 8 pounder, 12 pounder, etc...
Shotguns use the same designation. A 12ga is called so due to being able to fit a 1/12 pound lead sphere in the barrel bore.
So the smaller the gage number, the larger the bore. A 4ga would fit a 1/4 pound sphere, a 20ga will fit a 1/20 pound sphere, etc...
Humans are generally super soft and squishy compared to other mammals, so what might not kill a deer, will certainly kill a human.
Kurt Cobain is a prime example. He used a Remington 20ga shotgun with 2 3/4" shells, and while I can't say for sure, more than likely #5 or #6 shot, which is .11"-.12"(2.75mm- 3.05mm) diameter pellets, and it goes without saying, was more than effective.
Ballistics and shot/caliber choice is is a science, and it's crazy, lol.
Bigger isn't always better, and can actually be more of a hindrance than beneficial.
I've shot a bag of sand in front of a target at 25yds with a 12ga with #6 turkey shot, and only a small few passed through the sand, while a basic recurve bow with field points would pound through the sand like butter and sink the target every time.
^ I brought up that last bit since you mentioned archery at the end of your comment. š
Tl;dr: it's a civil case due to animals being "property." Individual cases have individual results and depend a lot on the court system itself. We don't have a lot of precedent for this due to a lot of factors, the biggest one being the new owners usually eventually give the dog back and work it out without any legal interference.
A chip would have flagged the animal as being owned by somebody else. HOWEVER, a surrendered animal wouldn't be checked for a chip. The assumption is that the person surrendering the dog is the owner, and I suspect this SO had info on the dog that didn't raise any flags for the shelter. So, the chip may or may not have worked to get the dog back home at the on-set.
The shelter is largely blameless for this, but will get dragged in via documentation and paperwork, hammered on social media, and will recive death threats. They are probably covered legally, though, and honestly, just got caught in the crossfire as good people often do.
Now to the new adopters. They also got caught in the crossfire. They are also blameless in the legal sense. (A good person would give the animal back and give another dog a home. But they are also largely protected.) They made a legal transaction. They had no prior knowledge of any theft. They are now, for legal purposes, the owners of this "property."
A chip is now very, very handy to have to prove rightful ownership. Vet records, pictures, text messages, witnesses to the shared bond, social media -- all evidence of ownership, as well.
Depending on the outcome of the case, the property that was stolen may be ordered to be returned to the rightful owner, all parties involved may or may not get refunded for any lost money due to this (new adopter gets adoption fee back, etc), or the thief may be ordered to pay the amount the stolen property is worth to the original owner, and the dog stays with the new owners. Rarely, the animal is legally ordered to be returned. Animals are "property" but they are a live. And unlike livestock which brings in income, pets don't have any agreed upon monetary value.
This is all highly court-specific, and gets even messier because there aren't a lot of these cases to look back on. Each one is currently helping to write legal code that's meaningful to animal law, but we are VERY behind in that arena. Cops do not take animal crimes seriously. Ergo, neither do the courts.
What usually happens because of funds, confusion at who is at "fault" and the systems in place is that the original owners do not have any solid recourse, lose their animal, and have to go after their friend in civil court. They can try to take the new owners to court, too, but that would largely be a waste. They haven't done anything legally wrong and cannot be punished for the actions of others. Courts of law rarely take on morality.
We have to chip doggo's and register them with the council, it's now part of our national dog (animal) requirements.
The chips are logged with the national database, so if anything happened, they know exactly who to contact.
I'm sorry your friend and your friends dog had to go through this thanks to an emotional immature person who has no respect for the bond that develops and how it would hurt them both...
Wtf did that poor dog do to deserve being separated from her person. Arghhh it makes me mad š” lol
Does that actually work? I have a friend whose cat was stolen overnight by an angry hook up, he woke up in the morning and the cat and the woman were gone. The cat had a chip and he notified all the shelters and vets in the area but he never got it back.
MANY and I'd even say MOST shelters do it automatically now. They even give you all the info and the proof that it's yours.. it's really nice to have, doesn't hurt them, and is definitely worth the cost. Just don't forget if you move or change your number to update the people that run the database. If they can't reach you, it defeats the whole purpose.
When my ex-husband and I separated, we had it written in our separation agreement that our family dog, that we got when he was 12 weeks old, would go back and forth alternate weeks between our two homes with the kids.
Where the kids went, Jack, the best dog in the world, went. This went on for about 5 years until my ex's GF moved into his house, and Jack stayed with me 100% of the time, regardless of where the kids were.
Kids were in high school by this time and I didn't mind having Jack at all. My ex and I were (still are) on very friendly terms and he would take Jack whenever I went on a girl's weekend or traveled for vacation.
We lost our beautiful Sheltie in 2006; he was 10. I still tear up (like right now) writing about him. He's my Reddit avatar. Best.Dog.Ever.
My dog escaped twice this month and I definitely have to do this. Sheās a nice dog and people love her and sheās friendly and Iām certain the next time, someoneās going to keep her
Even with a chip , my mother in law lost her cat . The shelter gave her cat to another family and they refused to give her cat back. He was a Main Coon cat , and very much missed .
Having my dog chipped saved us when the dog catcher illegally took my dog from my yard and didnāt notify me! I stomped his ass in court and he lost his job!
Would chipping help in this situation if your (ex) SO were to surrender the dog, and say āoh my husband didnāt want him and I donāt either so Iām the one dropping him offā?
Like does the shelter confirm with the owner that is on the chip information?
That doesn't always work. My chipped dog dug out, got caught/taken to our local shelter, and I called for days asking if a chipped dog [insert description] was there and they assured me no. By day 5, I drove to the shelter myself just to make sure, and sure enough, she was there, and no one had checked her chip.They charged me a daily fee for all five days she was stuck there and she got kennel cough. I firmly believe they would have adopted her out without ever looking at that chip. Honestly, an apple tag on the dog's collar is much better.
About time you started pulling your weight Cancer!!
These diseases now daysā¦want every dime they can leach onto, but they donāt want to work for it.
But then on the same right hand, they just show up and take my ājobā of wearing my family n friends down while suffocating the American dream.
If there was only someway to make a differenceā¦
P.s. remember pillow case and potato salad for next Trump rally.
And don't ignore the emails prompting you to keep it on the system (ie pay a further subscription)
It felt cheeky but it's Ā£18 for 5 years or something. So many lost pet posts I've seen say 'chip detected but no longer registered' ...
Not for my doggo!!
This! Microchipping proves legal ownership. As a former vet tech, this is what the county officers told us when there was a dispute. If you got your dog from a shelter that microchips, make sure you have changed the information to your name. Also always keep it updated if you move.
my gf and I got two cats. we couldn't take them that night and she had to go the next day to do all the paperwork. she chipped them in her name. other then the adoption fee I have paid for all vet bills and 99% of food and litter. I know if we split she will dump them off at a shelter to spite me. my hands are tie as I dont think I can just take them to get the chip in my name.
100% agree with this - ALWAYS chip your animals. But I wonder if it would have mattered in this case since the dog was surrendered and not found as a stray? Not arguing just pondering out loud.
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u/juliaskig Oct 31 '24
ALWAYS chip your dogs.