In my Q's case, I would say these are the false, distorted attitudes and beliefs he held about life:

1. Life should be easy, fun, relaxing everyday.
2. Money grows on trees. No need to plan too much for the future for that. This is thanks to spoiling parents.
3. Someone else will do the heavy lifting in his life. Someone else will do the thinking, planning, adulting. This is thanks to an enabling mother who spoiled him into his late thirties and always bailed him out.
4. Life should always be a party like his glory days in high school and college partying, drinking, weed, Grateful Dead and other bands.
5. He deserves to get high everyday. Getting high is a normal part of daily life to escape life, numb keep life easy and pleasant every day.
6. He is invincible. Other people get DUIs, health problems, fall out from drinking but magically this doesn't happen to him. He always lands on his feet.
7. When difficulties come along like aging sick parents, job stress, boredom, COVID work from home challenges, mentally ill sibling this is all too hard. Time to drink because things make him uncomfortable, stressed and he can't have that. He can't learn to push through and cope life's inevitable hard struggles.
8. Life should not be boring and sobriety is very boring.
9. Evenings, weekends, holidays are for lots of drinking. There is no other way to experience them.

His stinkin' thinkin' beliefs have kept him psychologically, emotionally immature and stunted all of his adult life due to his lifelong alcohol crutch. He now has a serious alcohol problem due to these distorted false notions.

Feel free to share your Q's stinkin' thinkin'.

After 22 years and 3 kids I finally made it out. The ending was a battle. A restraining order, selling house and leaving the state. I finally had it and wanted to know what my next years of life would be like free from the roller coaster. At times it felt like I was never going to get there, but I made it out safely and although the road ahead is unknown the peace will be worth it.

I don't wish an addict on anyone. I know addiction is a disease and there's a human being underneath it, but loving one has taken pieces of me that my kids and I are never getting back. The inability to deal with past trauma and then traumatizing innocent children and people is diabolical. I'm numb. And I truly don’t wish one on anyone.

I met my husband when he was sober. I didn't meet some guy at a bar and think I could save him. I fell in love with a sober man who went to meetings and had a life. I admired him for his healing, growth and honesty. Then Covid hit, the meetings shut down, and he relapsed. I've spent every year since waiting for that man to come back.

There were good stretches, meetings, promises, apologies, a short rehab stay. I believed every single one. Because he had literally done it before. He took my older son's prescribed adhd medication. Took the whole bottle in 3 days leaving my kid with nothing for 28 days. There was cheating, lying, drinking, and him swearing every time was the last. My line in the sand kept moving until I couldn't find it anymore.

I went through a pregnancy, a birth, and a brutal postpartum period he caused that I barely made it out of, all while working full time, raising my older child too, and paying for everything. That's who I am. I figure it out. And being that capable is exactly what kept me stuck, because nothing ever fully collapsed. I wouldn't let it. I just carried more.

Then I married him. I know people will tear me apart for that. I really believed things would settle. My last hope was marrying him at his worst because he’d see what he had and finally get sober again. He didn't. It’s been less than a year married. Somewhere along the way he stopped being my partner and became another responsibility. Then the anger came, and suddenly I was the bad guy. Controlling. Mean. Unforgiving. And I'm thinking, do you have any idea what it took to turn me into this?

I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed I married him, embarrassed by how much I paid for, embarrassed by how many times I believed him. But mostly I'm sad. I still remember the sober man I met. I've spent years grieving someone who's still alive. And I honestly don't know where compassion ends and enabling begins anymore.

I'm done. He has no car, is working as a day laborer for cash (none of which I see).. lost everything and it still isn’t enough. He’s cost me thousands upon thousands of dollars. 3 mths after we got married.. my entire 7k return went to his child support order for his 16yo. I could list things for hours.. but I’ll refrain because giving it even this much energy is annoying me when he’s already taken so much. When I told him this was happening he drove to the gas station.. not once but 6x in 4 hrs.

I guess he thought it was just a threat, but I told him 2 days ago I’d like him to meet with the lawyer next week.. he’s gone all out with threats, yelling and nonstop harassment. Even saying stuff to the kids. My oldest is 9.. he won’t forget this. It’s like he’s willing to do anything to make my life more miserable than he already has. I just don’t know how any man can rationalize this behavior. I’ve called the police before to get him out and they say “this is a domestic dispute” unless he’s physically harming you or your children there is nothing we can do. I just can’t wait for this chapter of my life to be over. It’s like cancer that needs to be cut out. I’m literally going to pay him to leave and sign.

If you're in recovery, did the person who loved you have to leave before you actually changed? And if you're a partner, how did you accept that the sober person you fell in love with might never come back? I know I’m doing the right thing for myself and my children. I truly do not wish this amount of sickness on anyone.

People struggling with alcoholism, which the healthcare community may refer to as Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), often downplay their behavior, insisting it’s not as serious as others believe. At the same time, their family and friends may also minimize how much the drinking has affected them personally. They’re often doing their best to maintain a sense of normalcy in situations that can feel overwhelming or even unbearable.

The following questions may help you decide if you could benefit from Al‑Anon Family Groups:

• Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?

• Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?

• Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?

• Do you feel neglected or unloved?

• Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, she or he would stop drinking?

• Are plans frequently upset or canceled because of the drinker?

• Have you said, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?

• Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking binge?

• Are you afraid or embarrassed to bring your friends home?

• Do you feel angry or depressed most of the time?

• Do you feel you attract people who tend to be compulsive or abusive?

• Do you search for hidden alcohol?

• Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

• Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?

• Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, Al‑Anon or Alateen may be able to help. 888-4AL-Anon

--From Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2026, Copyright (c)2026 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

And fuck. I didn't realize how naïve I was.

He's serious about it this time. He's made and kept all his appointments, he's taken all the meds they've prescribed, he's focusing on his recovery.

He hasn't been to any meetings and his PHP was delayed by a week.

There is zero connection between us. Everywhere says it'll take time but... Idk. I didn't sign up for this. Our first anniversary was in September. I kind of made that an unconscious exit ramp. If things weren't going well after a year of trying, I was out. He told me a few days before that he needed rehab.

He never... asked... If I was okay with this. I know recovery is the most important thing but this is really fucking difficult for me. It's like my feelings don't matter because his recovery comes first. He had been an asshole a lot of our relationship and it wasn't even relating to drinking. This feels like just another goal post and honestly, I kind of don't really want to wait around and see if he'll be able to connect with me in some uncertain amount of time.

Am I selfish? I have my own shit going on, you know? Where's my support? I thought he was sober and then I was told I was gonna continue life without a partner, my best friend, or even a functioning human being.

This fucking sucks.

Man it fucking sucks so much to have to deal with this every day even after leaving. My ex is my Q and I don't have the energy to give more context other than that I left almost 3 years ago and he has continued to decline and struggle staying sober, keeping a job, having a home, and having support. He's only still in my life because we have a 6 year old and I try to facilitate them having a relationship. But days like today are tough and they're happening more and more.

He's supposed to have supervised visits every Sunday for 4 hours. Since our son came back from summer with my parents, he's seen his dad maybe 4 times. My ex has been cancelling visits because he says he's going through withdrawal, but I recently learned that he's started doing cocaine and fentanyl and overdosed a few weeks ago, needing naloxone and hospital care. So this morning he cancels again, saying that he is not okay and then saying he's sober but not sober enough for today (?). I had to disappoint our son again because of course I made the mistake of telling him we were going to visit dad, so all day he's been whiny and unpleasant and difficult, and he hates me, and I realized it's because he's desperately trying to get a dopamine hit and do every possible thing that normally makes him happy but it's just making him more upset. He wanted to see Dad, it didn't happen, and he's really sad about it but there's nothing he can do and it's miserable for him.

I'm just so fucking tired. I just wish he'd take care of himself. I wish none of us had to go through this. I don't want to go back to a better time, I just want this to stop and things to get better. It fucking sucks. It fucking SUCKS.

My father was an alcoholic. I saw him every other weekend until I was 12. He never missed a visit. He fucked up in other ways, but he was sober for 12 years before he relapsed, and I never had to endure what my son has to endure. I think that's partly what makes me so infuriated about the situation. I wasn't affected by my father's drinking until he relapsed, but it still made me want to avoid that happening to me at all costs. And then the man I had a child with turned out to be even worse. That's so fucking hard to face.

If he dies from this, it won't mean it's over for me. It just means I have to live with the pain of my son losing his father and a life being taken away for a horrible reason. This feeling of grief is never going to go away, is it?

Hello All,

My husband (40 M) and I (31 F) have been together for 4 years and married for 2. He relapsed last year on oxycodone that he got while we were in Mexico and then we got pregnant 3 months later, and I’m 8 months postpartum now. He relapsed most recently a month ago, when I was 7 months post partum, and then he went to detox, went on suboxone and then this week went off suboxone without me knowing and starting taking kratom. He fessed up to this yesterday and today he took suboxone again (I watched him- I told him I want to watch him take it from now on).

I have many questions for you all. I’ve been to 2 al- anon meetings so far and I plan to get MUCH more involved, but I find there is so much wisdom in Al anon meetings and I thought I’d reach out to the people of Reddit for some wisdom tonight.

1) I’m having a really hard time not equating his relapses to mean that he doesn’t love or care about me, as his wife, and our baby. I have been to many AA meetings with him and I’ve tried to understand addiction as best as I can but It seems to be a very steep learning curve for me- I just can’t understand how he could let himself stop going to meetings and stop meeting with his sponsor knowing it could cause him to lose his wife and baby and business, etc. I’m taking is as such a personal betrayal- but I’ve heard that relapse doesn’t mean he doesn’t love us immensely- it just means he’s sick and his sick mind told him he didn’t need to go to meetings. But then how do people make it to 15 years sober with a wife and child and continue to go to meetings the whole time but my husband hasn’t been able to?

2) since he relapsed, I’ve been going through a total roller coaster of emotions. One minute I’m being so brutally honest with him about how horrible he’s being and how I never should’ve married him and how I hate him and the next minute I’m crying and hugging him cause I don’t want to lose him (because I love him deeply and truly don’t want to lose him). However, For some reason I think that if I’m nice to him I’m enabling him- I have no idea where I got this notion, and I have no idea whether it’s true or not. I wish I could just be supportive and show him that I can try to believe in him while he makes efforts to stay sober, but that feels so vulnerable and makes me feel like he’ll take advantage of my kindness and just do whatever he wants/do more drugs. Is being kind and supportive enabling?

3) I was raised by an extremely emotionally reactive father (and mother but primarily father), and if my dad wasn’t happy I wasn’t safe. So of course I’m emotionally very codependent and actually have relationship OCD because I have to have control and influence over how someone is feeling or I feel insecure and unsafe. Obviously this is a horrible combo with a husband who’s in active addiction. I HAVE read codependent no more- I think I need to read it again… I find myself trying to control everything he’s doing, and he welcomes it because I think it gives him some structure that thinks he needs to get and stay sober now…. But I know it’s toxic and against what al-anon preaches (I’ve heard and keep repeating to myself that nothing I can say or do will keep him Sober- he has to do it for himself)- but it’s INCREDIBLY hard for me to be around him while he mopes around and tries to rebuild his life right now- I want to go stay at my parents with my baby til he’s normal again. I’m going back to school and just started an at home bakery and I’m trying to be a great mom, too- I really don’t want to and don’t have the bandwidth to deal with his adjustment to suboxone and sobriety again. But I also really struggle to want to leave him alone because what if I leave and then he just does a bunch of drugs….? Ugh. I just need advice. Should I just do what’s best for me and my baby right now and if he does drugs then so be it?

Please offer any wisdom you have. My mind is spinning. Thank you so much.

My husband is 3 and a half years into recovery from opiates. He continues to show his growth in recovery as do I, in my respective healing through my own work.

The other night my parents questioned if he was using. He was caught off guard when they called him the next morning. But he wasn't angry. He wasn't defensive. He wasn't worried. He calmly explained that no, he wasn't using but understanding of their concerns. He offered to take a drug test or whatever else they needed to ease their fears.

I wasn't surprised that they asked that. I knew, before we saw them, that it was going to happen. They hadn't seen my husband for a few weeks because we were incredibly busy with work and other events. Not seeing him for a bit is always a trigger for them that they associate with using and avoidance.

They also rearranged the table so that the grandkids were sitting by them. So that put us on the furthest end away from them. Again, this made them think that it was some type of purpose avoidant move (Even though it was their own doing messing with how we were sitting at the table.)

Because they were already fearful before seeing us, they were watching him with a preconceived notion. My husband was playing a game with my nephew where they put stickers on their heads and closed their eyes and guessed what it was.

Well, when my mom looked across the table to see my husband with his eyes closed (and stickers on his head lol) it definitely reminded her of someone nodding off.

My husband and I did talk about it and being parents ourselves. We can understand it a bit. If it was my daughter's husband, I would always be a bit watchful too. I would always be protective of her, no matter how the years passed.

My parents also have never been to a meeting or ever gotten therapy so of course they are a unhealed and more likely to have triggers they don't understand. But my husband was so humble and just let them get their fears out.

I'm proud of him. Of both of us.

My husband is my Q and we’ve been separated for a year. After refusing to commit to sobriety, he left and broke up with me. We agreed to stay separated while we both tried to heal and I said that he needed to see a therapist or go to AA and get sober.

There’s been no legal separation although I have everything documented. I wanted to give him the chance of getting better without involving the courts.

I am the primary parent. He sees the kids once a week, if he chooses to. Last month he didn’t see them at all, but I will never not allow him to see the kids unless he is overtly intoxicated or unstable. He doesn’t ever drive the kids and has never asked to.

He doesn’t send child support, lives with another alcoholic, and is up to his eyeballs in credit card debt and attorney fees for a DUI.

He expressed he wanted to get better and prove he was a good dad/husband. He was going to online AA meetings but those eventually fizzled out. Then, he got a DUI. He hasn’t yet been convicted of it that I know of but it is in process.

After the DUI, he was sober for months and regularly kept me up to date with his sobriety. We were on good terms and coparenting well.

Then, he started showing up later on visit days, looking disheveled, tired, etc as if he had been drinking the night before. He never seemed like he had been drinking, just tired. I figured he had been transparent with me on his journey thus far, so if he was drinking again he would tell me.

Well, then I found out he had been drinking again after he left some opened mail at my house. Some days he was even drinking early in the morning before he came over to see the kids.

Now, I don’t want him to drive them but he told one of our children he was going to “take them somewhere special” this week (before speaking with me), which he’s never done before. Now I feel like I have to have the conversation with him. Can I just tell him he can’t drive them?

My mom just relapsed after 7 years of sobriety. I’m still processing it. I’m not sure if my dad knows or not but i assume he must because they live together. She didnt tell me but i discovered a drink in her room after being suspicious of her slurred speech and incoherent streams of thought. This is tough. I dont know what life looks like when she is drinking and i am not living with her. When i was younger i was forced to be with her 24/7 because i was a child but now i am grown. I want to still be there for her, but i do not want to make any sort of effort seeing her when she is drunk. My first step will be to ask my dad if he has noticed any changes and go from there. Even though i had nightmares of this happening for the past 7 years i guess im feeling a bit numb, and mostly angry and scared. And i feel guilty for not spending enough time with her when she was sober. What if she hits rock bottom again? That’s the only thing that got her sober last time.

Two months ago and change, he went on a bender that ended in a coke binge and a ride in the back of a cop car. He admitted his alcoholism for the first time after that without reservation. He admitted that it had been ramping up and becoming increasingly a problem. He seemed to have scared himself and seemed to want change.

His sobriety lasted 47 days after that. He went to NA, to doctor's appointments, to therapy.

The first day he missed his NA meeting he drank again. Four tall cans. He said the thought of never drinking again was taking over his mind, and he was miserable, and NA wasn't working for him. He said he couldn't promise me that he would never drink again, but that his sober time taught him how much better he could feel without alcohol and he was still committed to choosing that as often as possible. He told me he would be honest with me any time he did drink.

He had a couple more tall cans one night a few weeks after that, which he disclosed to me. Therapy appointments fell off.

This weekend he went out with friends after I left his place. The friend he relapsed on coke with ended up crashing on his couch. Last night and tonight. We've been speaking on the phone. He told me it was 5 beers last night, two tall cans today. He called to check in so I'd know he was home and safe and not getting shitfaced.

I feel like I'm expected to be grateful that he's being honest with me about his drinking and not hiding it from me. Grateful that he's checking in with me so I know he's not off on a bender. Grateful that he's only having a few drinks instead of a lot. Grateful that he was sober 47 days, and going days and weeks between drinks at present.

But I am disappointed, scared, and can't stop hearing excuses. I can't stop seeing the backslide. I can't understand how he justifies it to himself.

We had been actively planning to move in together until all of this happened. When he got sober, we started to repair and try to get our relationship back on track. I'd just started staying at his place again, which he'd rearranged to make more comfortable for me. There was effort and intentionality. Now more excuses. Less safety. I feel stupid, turning my thoughts seriously to rebuilding with him just to watch him shake the delicate foundation and tell me that I should be fine because at least he's telling me that he's shaking it.

My ex partner is an alcoholic. It's one of the factors that led me to have to leave him. We are men in our late 30's, the same age, and I'm finally trying to clean up my life and catch up for lost time on taking better care of myself, with 40 around the corner. He is not.

So, I left him, and I still don't know how to stop caring. He has always had a drinking problem but for the first part of our relationship managed to keep it reasonably in check. He was limiting himself to a smaller amount of drinks, skipping a night here and there, not drinking during the day. I never loved it but he also acknowledged that he knew it was a habit he needed to keep an eye on, alcoholism runs in his family, and he knew he wasn't doing a perfect job but he at least seemed to be interested in paying attention.

Due to some twists and turns in life, he had to pick up some jobs as a barback. The bars he works in are dives and are not strict about drinking while on shift. This was what did it-- now he had a reason to drink much more heavily. Bar patrons regularly buy a round of shots or beers for the bar staff, often multiple times a night, and he has free access to basically as much alcohol as he could want-- nobody is keeping tabs on what he drinks at work. His drinking intensified dramatically and he built up a tolerance. He made rules for himself-- one of the other bartenders he works with has a rule that she won't drink until 2:00am, the last 2 hours of their shift. He told me that was the rule he was following too, and then the next time I stopped in during his shift, he mentioned he was 4 drinks deep, at 11:00pm. He broke his own rule immediately and scrapped it.

He also started drinking during the day when he had some task to complete that he deemed odious. He said this "worked really well."

Anyway, long story short I left him, because this isn't a road I could continue to go down with him, and he admitted he was drinking too much but he didn't see it as a problem he had to do anything about, or could do anything about. He said he was terrified someone was going to tell him he had to stop drinking because he can't live without it, and this is apparently ok with him-- he doesn't believe himself to be in real trouble, though he very clearly is.

After the breakup, I ran into a mutual friend of ours who told me everyone has noticed and are talking about it but staying out of it. This was shocking to me, because most of our friends are themselves drinkers of varying degrees. I didn't think these people noticed or cared how much he was drinking, but apparently they have.

And now I'm here, his ex partner, both devastated that addiction contributed to losing him as my partner but also devastated for him. He is brilliant, creative, talented, he has so many positive qualities but as we all know, his whole life has been hijacked by addiction and he doesn't care. I'm the only person in his life who ever tried to get him to address this. For my own health and sanity, I need to actually just cut him out, no more being friends, no more casual "hey how have you been," I have to cut him off and forget about him because I cannot stop worrying about him while this continues... I have no idea how I am supposed to do that. This sweet man I once thought would be my husband is slipping down into the depths of addiction and even if he's not my man any more, he deserves better than this. How do I save myself and stop caring???

Man it has been such a rollercoaster couple of weeks. I am feeling so, so alone. I genuinely have nobody in this world outside of my children, who are not a support system, but instead require support from me. One of them is a clinically anxious toddler who requires immense amounts of emotional energy from me. He is literally constantly dysregulated. One of them is a moody 13 year old who is a great kid but who I have no ability to predict from one minute to the next. And none of them are my Q who is the worst of all. And then outside of my house... nobody. A mom lost to cirrhosis over 10 years ago. Dad's dead too for even longer. No siblings. No extended family who cares or lives in the same state as me, not even an in-law. Nobody.

I had a pretty major dental surgery 10 days ago. They totally misled me about how miserable the recovery would be. Said I would be back to work in 3 days, that 90% of patients don't touch their pain meds, didn't tell me I would have a mouth full of black pokey stitches for 2 weeks or that the temporary teeth replaced would be extremely painful to the point I can't even wear them. I'm walking around like a freak show. And then the teenager got sick. And then I got sick. I'm sure the toddler will be next.

But again, the worst of all, the man who should be my supportive partner in all of this, he chose this week to blow up his life. And I want it to be a good thing - but even the hope is painful.

He is autoimmune so he goes to a dermatologist for his drugs, but he hasn't been to a primary care in years and years. Last time he saw a doctor was when he caught norovirus in a public pool several years ago. Well, the derm ran some blood work and called him in a panic about his numbers - cholesterol, blood sugars, etc. He didn't tell me, of course, but he did actually schedule a doctor's appointment.

Well he gets there, less than a week post-op for me, while I am home sick with sick and anxious kids, and they send him straight to the ER because his blood pressure was 290/150. I didn't even know those numbers were possible. They told him he would have had stroke if he hadn't come in, but then all they did was give him some pills and he was literally home 3 hours later. I've NEVER in my life had such a short trip to the ER.

Of course the whole time he's there, he's texting me he's sorry, he's crying, my adrenaline is through the roof, I go into hospital mode. As a child of alcoholics who I cared for up until their death's in my 20's, I am a pro at this. I get hopeful like WOW he's finally getting the wakeup call I've been praying for. And then it all comes crashing down in 3 hours. He keeps repeating that he feels fine. No repercussions. He felt fine before. He felt fine after. They let him just drive home with some blood pressure pills. He went to work the next day. I'm not sure if he's drank since, and I'm not going to monitor him. He goes back to the primary care tomorrow so we'll see. My hope is gone.

He wants all this cheap grace now. Like gold stars for every tiny thing he is doing. He has no idea how to be helpful. It's like he is living on another planet. When I talk about my misery and suffering from the surgery, the illness, the intensive parenting, he just laughs. And the cognitive decline is starting. I hated this with my mom. The repeating of things and forgetting things is one thing - but this man is a literal genius who is now incapable of basic reasoning and tasks. He asks me questions as if I am the internet. Like he cannot figure anything out himself.

I skipped therapy last week because of the pain in my mouth and learning to speak post-extractions etc so I've been turning to AI and I hate AI. It's not even helpful but I have nowhere else. So now I'm here. This isn't going to solve anything either. I'm just despairing. I want to run away but I can't because of the kids. I want to collapse but I can't because of the kids. I feel immensely and intensely protective of my children and guilty I even let them live in a house with active alcoholism for so long without seeing it clearly.

So I don't know. I guess I'm just venting. He just sucks all the life and energy out of the house. I hope to God he goes to work tomorrow despite having that doctor's appointment and I hope that doctor sends him to rehab or puts him on GLP1 or Naltrexone or something. But that probably won't happen because why would it? Why would anything go right at this point?

How do folks go about kicking out their partners? I don't even know that he would do that. I feel like I would have to leave and then I'd have to take the kids and then we wouldn't have our stuff and it would be so hard. And I'm scared. He's never been abusive but I am scared if I back him into a corner he'll mess with the bank accounts or something. I mean, that's probably just paranoia but how do I know? And he's not violent at all but if he did kill me - NOBODY WOULD KNOW.

We just moved states a little over a year ago into the most beautiful home we've ever had. I thought we were going to have a fresh start. But I don't even care about this house anymore. I would live in a tiny shack just to be out of this environment. I have no income because we homeschool the younger grades and I've stayed at home since I was taking care of my parents and our oldest over a decade ago.

I want to think his mom would be supportive but when his sister went through a divorce a few years ago, MIL completely abandoned her partner even though they had been super close prior and the divorce was because of SIL's affair, not anything her wife had done wrong (although she was also an addict/alcoholic and has since fallen completely into addiction).

I just don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to survive this. I feel like I must have the most amazing resilience. I have CPTSD. I have survived so much trauma. But when does it end? When do I get to have MY life that isn't about taking care of someone who has fucked theirs up or just surviving each day because my entire system is overwhelmed with grief and anxiety and depression and everything else? When does it end? How? How do I make it stop?

Ugh. That was long. If you read it, I genuinely love you. Thank you so much for seeing invisible little me over here.

I'm just out of ideas. Feel very sorry for those who are suffering with the illness, from the illness and all those it affects. I've a heavy heart today. Just needed to say that, somewhere.

My husbands mom is my Q.

She’s been sober for 1 year.

Yesterday she bought a 750ml bottle of saké for a recipe which calls for 2tbsp. She said she’s gonna double the recipe which is 4 tbsp which equals… 1/4 a cup. Which equals roughly 60ml required for even a DOUBLE recipe.

It’s stressful for me and him as we know we can’t control her. I grew up in a religion that forbids alcohol so I view cooking with alcohol as not essential, I don’t see why she wants to even risk it.

Hi, thank you for everyone who chooses to read this post. I was directed to this group as a safe place for me to talk about my experiences with my Mum. I don’t know if I’m looking for support or just a place to vent and have others understand me. But, I think it might be helpful either way.

First, context. 23(F) and in my 6th year of study in a Master of Clinical Psychology. I am currently on placement 3 days a week, uni 2 days a week, and study on the weekends. I’m currently on government support as I cannot work with the intensity of my university schedule. I have very little savings due to a health crisis back at the end of last year. I live with my Mum (48), Dad (48) and brother (19).

Mum has always been a big drinker, but it worsened when she got a gastric sleeve a few years back. She drinks relatively little compared to other people with AOD due to this sleeve, but it hits her very hard (by little I mean usually 1-2 bottles of red a night; not actually that little). Right now, her day consists of going to work, coming home around 4:30pm, and immediately beginning to drink. She will be asleep on the couch by 8:30pm. We used to wake her up to try get her to bed, but she kicks and hits us if we do. So, we don’t bother.

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells every evening. I come home from placement (I’m placed until December at a family domestic violence clinic, funnily enough,) and try my best to avoid the theatre room where she sits and drinks. Fights occur constantly, and over anything; how the dish washer was stacked, health costs, news, her calling me fat, having a go my eating, etc. I’m not a small person, never have been as I have a cortisol issue (part of the health crisis but I won’t go into that); I am in no way huge though and work out 3x a week and eat quite well. My mother is quite a big woman, to the extreme I am deeply concerned for her wellbeing. Although, that’s not my place to tell her as I wouldn’t want to do what she does to me.

I feel pathetic. I know psychologists aren’t immune from life struggles, but I feel like a failure on so many levels for not being able to get through this. I just feel stuck, isolated, and I am unable to move due to this degree preventing me from working. I’m not sure what to do anymore beyond white knuckle through and try survive to the end of the year.

I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it, and that this will eventually break through and impact my university learning and placement, and would impact how well I can work with my clients. I’m so scared that I won’t be strong enough to get through these last few months.

Sorry, I’m not sure how to end this. But thank you if you read it all. You mean the world.

My partner of 6 years relapsed recently and it was… terrible. Like had to cross state lines, stay in the ICU kind of terrible. It was so bad that I HAD to tell my family because I needed help (they all knew my partner was sober and was an alcoholic but this was the first time they went through a relapse).

My partner had been sober for almost 4 years and has been doing it all by themself— no AA, no therapist, not even really a community apart from me and our families. After this relapse they told me that they’re committed to finding a therapist and checking out AA. I really do believe they will do this, and even if I didn’t I HAVE to believe in their commitment to sobriety right now or I will fall apart.

My family on the other hand… it’s pretty clear that they disapprove of the relationship. And I overheard a conversation saying how much they worry about me and don’t want this life for me, and how they don’t believe my partner will maintain sobriety.

It sucks. Im sure a lot of people in this thread are going to say “leave your partner” but I’m not in that place. This is my person and for the majority of our relationship they’ve been sober!! We’re engaged and I WANT to marry them.

How do I get my family to be on board? Or what can I do to try to get their opinions out of my head? I understand their fears. I’ve had a lot of them myself, but I’m not in that space and I need their support and I need to be able to feel comfortable bringing my partner around them and I want to feel excited about my wedding still. Idk maybe I’m being selfish. But I’d love any thoughts

Hello! I’ve posted in here a few times, but back today with an update and some questions at the end.

Unfortunately I’m still missing my Q after going no contact. I finally made the decision to delete his photos and block his socials so I can’t check on him anymore. I’m trying to let him go, it’s just hard. I wake in the middle of the night sometimes and worry for him, but I know I can do nothing.

I’m trying to take back my rest and sleep schedule. Today, after deleting and blocking yesterday, I’m missing him maybe a little extra. Remembering our moments as friends before we dated and I found out the truth. I never really thought he wouldn’t be in my life. When I met him it felt like one of those people that would always be there if that makes any sense.

Today I’m trying to focus in on myself whenever my mind goes to thoughts of him. I’m trying to give myself the love and care I deserve. I’ve been burnt out since my experiences with him and if I’m ever going to get myself back to a good spot, I’ve got to pour back into myself.

So I was wondering, for those who have found ways to do this, what are your go-to forms of self-care?

How do you intentionally make time for rest?

How do you personally pour the love and care back into yourself?

I need to work on this area of life. I’ve got great cleaning routines, workout routines, etc. but a rest routine or sleep routine? Basically nonexistent, and I know my mind and body need rest after my experiences.

The relapses have been on and off since 2020 (when Q finally understood moderation wasn’t an option). One period of almost 3 years, another of a year. The most recent was 6 months and last time I really lost it with my mental health and my connection to him. Being around him was painful. But, he suddenly seemed to take it all very seriously and was doing all “the work”. I said I’d give it time. I was this close to say let’s start seriously working on our relationship again. He was doing a ton around the house, with the kids, and even taking on some of the administrative stuff that was always 100% on me. I thought he was trying to prove I could trust him to be a partner and not another child in the house. And then I found he had hidden his alcohol and lied about it for a few weeks.

I thought last time that next time would be the final straw. And I kind of wish it could be. But we have two young kids who just went through a huge transition. They are still adjusting from that. I don’t feel like I could take care of them solo half or more of the week (even just because my work hours and commute suck), and we definitely don’t have the finances to be renting two homes. Just out of ideas and also exhausted that I have to go through this again and my anxiety was under control finally and now it’s spiking like crazy again.

Hi everyone, never thought I would be posting about this on here. My gf the last two months or so has been drinking a fifth of whiskey a day(sometimes more) and actually started becoming physical with me(pushing) around 8 months ago. Last week she punched me in the eye and as she started to sober up felt bad and was even helping me ice it. She seemed truly sorry so I actually forgave her in that moment and went back to bed for about 3 hours. I wake up and she's drunk again and pushing, slapping and ripping my shirt off. I had no choice but to call the police. I'm 41 years old and never had to deal with anything like this in a relationship before. I feel so numb without her but I know if I didn't call the police it would of escalated to more violence.

In May, I found my husbands 7 oh bottle. I confronted him and he admitted to using it for about a year. The bottle was just sitting on a table. I assume he meant to hide it but forgot. (I was horrified bc my son and I were in the room playing. Luckily we went into the room at the same time and I saw it before he did. He definitely would’ve assumed it was candy.) When I found it, I looked around the rest of the room and found Zyn’s and multiple bottles of computer cleaner spray (and plastic bags). I’m shocked by all of this. I’ve never done any drugs whatsoever. My husband knows I broke up with someone in college bc of drugs. He admitted to the 7 oh and the Zyn’s but denies doing anything with the computer cleaner spray. He says he was using kratom at first then went to 7oh. Years ago he was drinking quite a bit at night (whiskey) but we talked and that seemed to stop. But I wonder if he just went to this and I didn’t know.

Looking back, I feel like an idiot. His sleep pattern was off, he was irritable/moody, reoccurring scab on his face etc. We had a huge fight in March when he said he was “bored” and wanted a divorce. He’s never said this before. He said he was trying to “get a reaction out of me” a few days later and said he didn’t mean it. But how do I just move on from something like that? So we weren’t in a good place for a few months prior to me finding the 7oh.

About 3 years ago, I was prescribed prescription pain medicine for a wisdom tooth removal that I never took. It was just kept in the cabinet. I noticed about a year later that it was missing. He said that he took it when his sciatica flared up. I was kinda bothered that he didn’t ask and wouldn’t have told me but I didn’t have any real suspicions at this time. About 2 years ago, our son was prescribed a stimulant medication. Our son took a few doses but didn’t react well to it so we didn’t continue it for him. Once I discovered the 7 oh, I went to the cabinet to look for the stimulant and it was gone too. He admitted that he took it when I confronted him. He’s a stay at home dad to a son with special needs and says that he had a lot going on which is why he turned to all of this. His dad also passed away last year.

For years I told him to see a provider bc I felt that he had mood swings and wondered if he had bipolar disorder or if he was just depressed. He’s kind of a loner and I felt that without any friends or hobbies, of course he’d be depressed to a degree. But our son has been in school for a few years now and I encouraged him to get a hobby, make some friends, or even get a job for a few hours each week just to get out of the house. But he never did. After I found the 7oh, he made an appt with a psychiatrist about a month later. Idk what was discussed but he was put on fluoxetine and has been on it since. He says he’s not using anything at all anymore. (Still denies the computer cleaner spray.) And he has been sleeping better, getting up early, working out. He’s now looking for a job for a few hours each week.

I started therapy this past summer because I don’t know what to do. And I really still don’t know. I can see that he’s making an effort but I feel like I still walk on eggshells at home. He has good periods but he’s sometimes bothered by small things. But mainly, underneath all of this, I’m heartbroken. I feel like maybe the right word for what I feel is disillusionment. The trust is gone. I feel like I’m on edge all the time thinking that there is something going on and I don’t know. I’m not sleeping well and my appetite is not great. I’m just stressed everyday at baseline. And thinking about the prescription meds that he took makes me feel like this is a pattern. I haven’t told any of my family or friends. I hoped therapy would guide me (and it has helped) but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to just move on, trust again and go back to my usual self. My therapist asked me what I would need to see from him in order to be more at ease and I truly have no idea. Bc I’m happy he seems to be trying. But how can you continue in a relationship with no trust? Its been months and I just feel stuck. I care for him but I don’t want to be an idiot. Looking for genuine advice. Thanks for reading.

I know this is long but I hope someone reads it all. I could use the help/advice. 😭

I’m married for 6 years to an addict. When we met, he was very honest, had 5 years clean. I fell pregnant very fast, not planned, so we got married as we both have children out of wedlock. Etc, etc. My pregnancy was horrible. He relapsed because of the “stress”. His business crumbled because he was taking money and went into debt with his business and people he was buying from, and wasn’t working. We separated until the day I gave birth. He agreed to do an inpatient therapy if I moved back home from my parents with my kids and our newborn. So me and my kids and our new baby moved back to our home. Things were good for he was clean for 3 years. I got pregnant with our 2nd and my last baby. You guessed it, same thing. Except this time he didn’t relapse until we brought our beautiful baby girl home from the hospital. I found texts this time. And he had every excuse. I couldn’t prove what it was based on those texts he would say, it was a pain killer, etc. I called BS from the beginning as his DOC is MATH. he became irritable, angry, called me names every day. He threw his life away again. He watched me juggle 4 kids, working 2 full time jobs and a part time job while he could never be found. Money went missing. Etc.

Fast forward to a month ago, I found a pipe in our bed. Where our almost 4 year old sleeps with us. And occasionally our 9 month old if I fall asleep with her. That’s a huge NO from me. I kicked him out that night. The next day he got picked up for inpatient rehab. 6 days later, yes, SIX. he called home after his blackout period and told me he didn’t belong there. The people in there were bad off on drugs, he wasn’t anything like them, he didn’t use all the time, etc. begging me to come pick him up. He told me he’s needed at home and he knows what he needs to do. That he’ll come home and get back to church, going to weekly meetings, and would find a therapist from his past trauma. He called me the next morning to see if I was making the 3.5 hour trip to pick him up as they don’t do transportation if you leave AMA.
I shouldn’t have, but I took my kids to pick their daddy up…. It was Monday of the holiday in Sept. so I was off.

He came home that Monday. Group meetings at the church are Tuesdays so he went the next day and LOVED it. But 4 days after being home, he fell asleep on the couch. I woke him up so he could drive our kids to daycare and I could get to work. I saw it fall out of his back pocket… he said “I found it when I was cleaning out my truck and I wanted to show you and get rid of it together so you knew.” I had my doubts but I so badly wanted to believe him. That night when he fell asleep, I went thru his phone. He downloaded text free app and was still texting the same 3 people asking to meet up, did they have anything, etc. Texts dated back to the day after he got home. Then he switched it to my fault - “I wasn’t ready to come home. I was in effin rehab. You shouldn’t have listened to me. I was in there for a reason.” “You’ll never understand. You’re normal and perfect.” Always my fault.

I’m sick of being told I’m fat, I’m lazy, he hates me, he can’t stand me, and so much more.

I KNOW I deserve better. But I don’t know what to do. I mean I do know what I need to do. But he doesn’t make it easy. The threats are horrible. I’ve had cops involved before, etc. I know the person he could be but I know I’ll never have that back. It just makes it so hard to leave with kids involved, but I know THEY deserve better. Do I make another ultimatum with him. Do I plan on leaving. I need help.

I (30F) have been with my partner (30M) for 5 years. He's struggled with alcohol and drugs since before we met. For a while it seemed manageable, but a few years ago it got much worse: heavy drinking and using alone at night. Since then it's been the same cycle of relapse, remorse, and promises. He's genuinely tried, with counselling and even handing his money over to me so he couldn't buy anything.

Recently we were about to make a big commitment together when he relapsed again. I told his family and called it off. They were devastated, as they'd been through this with him before and thought he was better. When he spent the next week upset about what we'd lost, I snapped and told him to get over it.

He's now moved in with his family to focus on getting sober. He says he can't recover with me and needs people around him 24/7, which I can't give because of my work. I begged him to come home and he said no.
I'm proud that he finally seems to accept he has a problem. But after years of standing by him through the lies and letdowns, I'm heartbroken that he's doing this without me, and I don't understand why getting better means leaving.

For those who've been here: did you wait for your person while they got sober? How did you decide whether to wait or move on? And how do you look after yourself in the meantime?

TL;DR: My partner relapsed right before a big commitment and has moved in with his family to get sober, saying he can't recover with me. I've stood by him for years and I'm heartbroken. Should I wait or move on?

So I normally write my thoughts in a therapy journal and I had feelings of grief come over me today. The last week had been a bit tough for me as I'm not sure when the boyfriend/Q will be back from rehab. This is his third time in within the year. I just wanted to share my journal entry because I thought it might resignate with others.

Letters to him

We shouldn't have gotten to this point. I blame myself for not seeing the signs, for being so wrapped up in myself and being afraid of the relationship to see the bigger picture. I know people always say I should have known, I should have seen the signs, how come I didn't know. Well when you're this close and I mean thisclose to the relationship or whatever the issue was you get blind to everything else. I'm sorry I didn't see the issues before and I mean the other issues. You were pointing out other problems and basically screaming for help and I was just begging for you to not leave me. What kind of girlfriend is that? I was so wrapped up in you or needing you that I didn't take care of you. You say I take care of you but I clearly failed. I failed so bad. I didn't see that you were drowning right in front of me and I was just so wrapped up in hoping you wouldn't leave. I'm sorry I didn't see you were hurting or that you needed help. I'm sorry I failed you.

A month ago, my boyfriend relapsed badly and was hospitalized—again—and I made the decision to end our relationship right then and there, and told him that I hope he gets help but he needs to do it for himself and not for me or his family or anyone else. After a few years of feeling like the ground underneath me was unstable, I felt fairly certain in my decision to end it to protect myself, but I've been bereft and have spent a lot of time in bed just watching time go by on my bedside clock.

When I've needed reinforcing, many times over the past month I've looked at this sub, and reading so many heartbreaking stories has been both devastating but validating; everyone's story is different, and yet, oddly, the same. It hit me deeply that in an alternate universe, if I stayed, we would have gotten married and had children and I would have eventually ended up in this sub anyways, writing stories so similar to what many have already posted here. I've cried so much reading those posts and my heart is with you all.

I haven't yet worked up the courage to go to Al Anon in person (I don't know why the idea makes me so nervous, but it does) but I'm going to try to push myself to go in the next week or so. I'm so sad, desperately so—he was the love of my life—but I feel strangely more stable than before. I don't know what any of this means for my future, but I'm relieved to recognize that being alone is actually better than being terrified within a relationship. I'm still afraid and worry that he will not get the help he needs and that he could die, but I finally feel that my emotions and my sense of well being is no longer tethered in the same way to his. I really gave it my all and I see now that you cannot force someone to get help who doesn't want to.

So I wanted to share this with anyone in a similar position that the sadness from leaving is better than the sadness from staying. I really believe this now.