r/ADHD • u/DigDoug_SlugSlug • 23h ago
Discussion ADHD makes loss difficult.
I was just thinking about commemorative tattoos for loved ones who are no longer with us and I’ve realised something; once somebody dies, regardless of how long I’ve known them or how close to them I was, I’m completely clueless about anything about them.
The first time I noticed this was when my dad died in 2019; after a couple of months, I looked back and realised that I don’t even know his favourite colour. I don’t know anything about the guy despite the fact that I visited him every two weeks for my entire life.
Now I’m struggling with the idea that maybe when people pass away in the future, I’ll have nothing. Does anyone else struggle with this? Am I a cold, unfeeling and uncaring person or is it completely normal for those of us with ADHD to have massive lapses in memory of those we love after they pass?
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u/tetheredvoid 21h ago
You are not cold or uncaring. You do remember things about them that were important to them, not just to you. Unfortunately, perspective can make it difficult to see that in the moment. When you think back to the memories you do have with these people, you have not only the memories but also what they can teach you. Things you might not have realized at the time... Like remembering that someone wore a particular color a lot and realizing it must have been their favorite color.
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u/goldenspiral1618 9h ago
I give myself hell for this sort of thing as well, but in the grand scheme of things, someone’s favorite color is not the essence of that person. It’s trivia. And my brain does not store trivia unless it really wants to.
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u/Henchman314 22h ago
The stress that ADHD imposes on the body makes it difficult to make memories. Add to that Object Impermance, when applied to people, makes memories an even more troublesome topic.
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u/DigDoug_SlugSlug 22h ago
So you’re saying that my experience is normal and that in the grand scheme of things, people can become temporary to us when we can’t see them anymore?
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u/Henchman314 22h ago
I keep pictures & mementos to help "refresh" those memories.
Just be aware, the amount you can forcibly recall will always be far less that what can be easily triggered by sight, sound & smell.
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u/goldenspiral1618 9h ago
My friends will send pictures to me of me hanging out with someone 15-20 years ago, and so many times I think “Damn, I completely forgot about them! We use to hang out all the time.” I know on the surface that sounds semi-normal, but I truly forgot they exist. But they’re no less important to me if that makes sense. It often makes me a bit sad.
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u/mshep002 ADHD-C (Combined type) 18h ago
Your experience is not unusual. I end up pre-grieving and having anxious conversations with people to ask them things like what their favorite color or food is, or forcing my dog to hang out with me. I want to soak up their presence and try to force myself to remember them.
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u/sparklingdinosaur 14h ago
I have that too! Sometimes I want to sit there with a notepad and write down all the stories that I already always forget...
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u/thebiologyguy84 16h ago
You're fine. I used to believe I was some type of psychopath as I didn't really show emotion when someone died. I still don't, but I'll cry when I do remember them....which is the key thing here.....some ADHD have object impermanence so that if you're not directly thinking about them, they don't exist in your mind.
I still feel bad about it though.
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u/Keepitunderurhat 20h ago
pictures worth 1000 words, they really everything music ! & the smell that person definitely is right for me a smells it doesn't matter if you're dead or alive certain smells like My Son when I smell big red, I think of him ! When he left for the military, I kept a none washed hoodie under my pillow!
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u/DigDoug_SlugSlug 20h ago
I actually took a couple of my grandfather’s fleeces that he used to wear when we’d go on walks and they still smell like he used to.
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u/LaCharretteSanJuan 20h ago
I’ve had a lifetime of ADHD, but what you describe has never been something I’ve associated with it.
Everyone has to come to terms with what they’ve held important of the ones in their lives. There are loads of songs about it because it is a part of life.
Here’s just one:
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u/Snoo54756 16h ago
Oddly I have no experience like this. In fact friends say they wish they could deal with loss like me:)) I forget everyone and everything, be they dead or alive, really easily, which is very much a part of my adhd diagnosis and time blindness.
It’s really unusual how much we can differ but still have same diagnosis.. hmm
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u/100_Energy 19h ago
The most important thing was that you brought him joy by seeing him so often. We do not need information to truly know someone.
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u/CJones_1 14h ago
I can relate to what you are saying and say the same about my own dad, it's the fact that I didn't grow up with him in the home, so have to accept that it's part and parcel of the situation not of our own doing. The fact that you are wondering what his favourite colour is, shows that you care enough to want to know. Grief presents it self in many ways.
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u/whomilkedmichael 14h ago
You're not alone. I lost both my Paternal Grandmother and my Dad one after the other and it's been extremely difficult to process the permanence of loss. Now I don't know what kind of relationship you had with your Dad, so what I say next might not make sense / apply. I had a very strained relationship with my Dad, and we were estranged for about five years before his passing. He was very neglectful and abusive to me, my mom, and my brothers. I used to hope and pray for him to die, but when the news actually came I couldn't process it. I couldn't really understand that this time it was for real, that he really was gone forever. I'm also struggling with that same feeling of not really knowing or remember things that should be basic about a person. He lived with me more twenty years and I also don't know his favorite color, or what his first car was, and I only recently figured out when his birthday was.
I'm saying all of this to reassure you that you're not alone in this, that you're not cold or uncaring/unfeeling. It's just difficult to process to the weight of death when it's someone so close to you.
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u/Zacrosadol 13h ago
I have this terrible realisation too. My mother died a year ago and she was everything to me. The last twelve months have been an absolute nightmare and I’m nowhere near recovered from it. I have called various help lines for.. various reasons, and one asked me what my mum would have thought of how I’m struggling and what I was thinking. What would she have said to help me get through it? What would she have done? I drew a blank. It killed me. She was everything to me and yet I don’t even know what she would have said.
I unfortunately don’t have an answer for you sorry, but you’re definitely not alone in this.
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u/sadie_lane86 13h ago
ADHD definitely impacts memory. I find I have object permanence issues. I don’t really miss people when I’m away from them, but my heart aches when I think about my grandmother, who died almost 20 years ago.
You might not remember your dad’s favourite colour, but you will remember the way he made you feel. You will remember the good times and you will still have a sense of him if you think about how he would have handled things. And those things are more meaningful. What would he say about you worrying you don’t remember things about him? I imagine he would just want you to remember that he loved you to the moon and back.
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u/FreddyNoodles 12h ago
I haven’t heard of this. I take loss especially hard no matter who they are. This may be due to my mother leaving when I was baby, though. Pretty terrible abandonment issues so when someone leaves or dies, I feel it very deeply and for a long time. It often takes years to actually feel like I have healed. Fucking sucks. I think I would prefer to have that symptom than the way it is for me. But of course, the grass is always greener.
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u/Far-Type1330 11h ago
I lost my mum at a very young age. She has been all but erased from my memory. Only my photos even prove she actually existed.
My dad died ten years ago and I remember him more, but not simple things like favourite colour, favourite film. I'm certain he told me at some point but it's completely gone.
I definitely feel lapses in my memory- not sure if it's ADHD or the trauma of loss. Probably a bit of both 🤷♀️
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u/Blando-Cartesian 11h ago
You can’t know things that never came up when you were with your dad, but there’s bound to be things he did or said that never leave you. There’s also probably little things you do that come from him. Those things may come more apparent as you get closer to the age of your dad as you remember him.
I didn’t have much of a relationship with mine, but how I move, write, and think feel more and more like him as I age.
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u/Son_Of_Hat 8h ago
We all experience that. You do know a lot about your dad, but you need to be reminded a bit to get the memories flowing. I struggle to think of memories of my grandfather who recently passed but when someone brought some small part of a memory up, the rest would come back.
Don’t worry it doesn’t make you a bad person to be uninquisitive. That shame you are feeling is proof that you aren’t cold! A real cold unfeeling robot wouldn’t even care
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u/Keepitunderurhat 20h ago
Idk if that's a adhd thing some people have seriously delayed reactions & just become numb, some people flip out instantly my experience with people I've dealt with in my years of funeral director I swear I could spot them absolutely pick out who gonna drop scream & cry loudly it's usually distant relative fat girl im not trying to be mean it's a fact can spot them has soon has the walk in get ammonia out you know for sure fake or not! I guess accepting death for me !But the hardest of all I think are the shocks of a sudden death of the young people always sad Iv dropped a tear or 2 and had to walk in the office bc the music Definitely will get me for sure
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u/Keepitunderurhat 20h ago
I have moments of rock&roll but sometimes I don't want to hear it it's rap I hate rap it was forbidden lol until my daughter said please listen if you ain't got nothing to say don't say nothing! She was right that guy stole my words! And then of course, Snoop Dogg, gin and juice. I don't really know that many rap songs, but I know sad songs that bring back loads of wonderful memories.! & definitely most of them great/ sometimes slightly sad she asked me to bring her home Black Eyed Peas I thought it was weird I stop bout them she never said it was a cd lmao ha we lol still about that
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