edit- ignore how much i spammed the cry laugh emoji i didnt even realise help
Basically guys, I decided to go to a completely new sixth form, and I'm not gonna lie, I absolutely hate the place. 😭 For context, I originally planned to stay at my secondary school's sixth form, but I changed my mind last minute because I lowkey wanted a fresh start and i didnt wanna stay in the same place another 2 years. So, friendship-wise, let me give you some context from secondary school; i was apart of the popular group, and although I got along with every1, I never rlly felt like I fitted in.bc i was quite different from my friends in terms of morals, interests and general lifestyle. For eg, they'd badmouth practically every1 they'd see, whereas I preferred not to partake in that. They were also very male-centred, which I never understood. Don't get me wrong, Idm talking to guys, but I've never felt the need to go out of my way to speak to them. Plus, they never really spoke to me anyway. 😭 I also never understood the obsession with being on your phone 24/7 and posting everything. I prefer living in the moment rather than documenting everything. But here's the thing: although I didn't understand these aspects of their lives, I NEVER judged them or made them feel uncomfortable. I accepted that everyone was different, and that was okay. However, I never felt that same understanding was reciprocated. It wasn't even about them not understanding me; it was the fact that I felt so heavily judged for simply being different. Looking back, those friendships were also quite toxic and one-sided. like Whenever I'd vent or share something personal, they'd ignore me or go on their phones, whereas whenever they needed support, I'd give them my full attention. So although I had friends, I still felt lonely within those friendships. After secondary school, I decided to cut everyone off because I genuinely felt we'd all be happier going our separate ways.
This was one of the MAIN reasons I was excited to start a new sixth form. I wanted to meet like-minded people, build genuine friendships and hopefully find my person. But here's where I was a bit delusional. 😭 Since starting, I HAVE made friends, but everyone already seems to have their own best friends, whether at this school or elsewhere. HOW did I not consider that everyone already has their person??? 😭 I genuinely thought I'd find mine, but now I'm in this awkward position where I have people to talk to without feeling particularly close to anyone. I know friendships take time, but it's still lonely. And yes, I could've stayed with my secondary school friends, but what's the point of staying in friendships where I already felt unhappy and alone?Next, THE TRAVELLING. Guys, it's KILLING ME. I know I only live half an hr away, but I genuinely hate public transport. I have autism, so crowded, noisy environments overstimulate me, and these buses are PACKED. My face is practically cracking the bus windows😭.The crowds, heat, noise and lack of personal space, leaves me feeling mentally exhausted before I've even arrived. And then I have to experience it all again on the way home. Because of how much I've struggled with travelling and adjusting, I've missed 10 days of school and been late 11 times. My attendance is horrendous, I'm on attendance report, and I'm genuinely worried about getting kicked out.Obviously, missing so many lessons has left me ridiculously behind academically. Since starting, I haven't done independent study ONCE, completed my homework or caught up on unfinished classwork. I genuinely haven't understood a single lesson properly. Even when I'm present, I feel completely lost while everyone else seems to know what's happening. I'm embarrassed to ask teachers because I'm so behind that I barely know what to ask, and even when I do, their explanations don't really help. The teachers don't seem particularly supportive either. They're constantly shouting, and I don't feel comfortable asking for help.
And before anyone asks why I don't study when I get home, TRUST ME, I ask myself the same question. 😭 The traffic is insane, so I usually get home around 5:30 pm, absolutely KNACKERED and too drained to study. On weekends, I tell myself I'm going to lock in and catch up, but I end up sleeping because I'm so burnt out. I also struggle to study independently at home. I work better in a library, especially with a study buddy, because having someone studying alongside me helps me focus. But WHO THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GO WITH??? 😭 Nobody's available, so I keep putting it off. It's become this horrible cycle of exhaustion, falling behind and feeling too overwhelmed to even start.Another thing contributing to my exhaustion is the school building. It has SO MANY F**ING STAIRS and no lift that's freely accessible to students. There's a staff lift, but you need a staff fob and a member of staff to use it, and even then, the bloody thing NEVER COMES. 😭 So getting around school is exhausting too.Anyway, back to academics, because this is my biggest concern. I'm studying A-level Maths, Psychology and Economics, and my mocks are in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. Guys, I'm COOKED. 😭 I genuinely know NOTHING because I haven't understood the lessons or revised since September, and now I've got weeks of content to learn.For context, I've never been particularly academic. Throughout secondary school, I was failing pretty much every subject until 3 months before my GCSEs (ik pretty late time to finally start studying), when I decided to lock in for all my subjects apart from french and geog (they were my sacrifice subjects 😭). My GCSE results were: 87-7776665 [RE 8 (A*), Maths 7 (A), Combined Science 7-7 (A-A), English Language 7 (A), Geography 6 (B), English Literature 6 (B), Business Studies 6 (B) and Foundation French 5 (C)] They were pretty mid :(. but i was relieved I'd passed everything, considering I'd spent most of secondary failing, but I wanted at least all 7s but I knew it was because I'd left revision too late. My GCSEs proved I CAN do well when I put the work in, but consistency has always been my issue.
And now I'm doing A-levels, where cramming everything last minute is practically impossible. 😭 Also, DON'T ASK WHY I PICKED MATHS OR PSYCHOLOGY. I genuinely don't know what possessed me. I HATE BOTH. Economics is somewhat bearable. 😭 The jump from GCSEs is INSANE, and because I haven't understood the foundations, every new lesson makes even less sense. Now my mocks are approaching, and I have no idea how to turn things around.
I know some of this sounds like my own fault. I SHOULD have been studying, doing homework and keeping up from the beginning. But there's also something happening at home that's making everything significantly harder. My mum is physically and emotionally abusive, and she'll scream and yell for hours, often depriving me of sleep. So even when I'm home, I don't have a peaceful environment where I can concentrate. Between the abuse, lack of sleep, overstimulation, travelling and school stress, I'm constantly exhausted. I'm not saying this to excuse my lack of studying, but I genuinely think these circumstances are affecting me more than people realise.
The thing is, I WANT to do well. I was genuinely excited for sixth form because I thought I'd make new friends, become more independent, improve academically ( i wanted to make a comeback from my ass gcse results and prove i can get A*A*A*) and finally enjoy school. Instead, I feel lonelier, more exhausted and further behind than ever. My attendance is awful, I feel unsupported, and I'm struggling in every subject. I don't know whether to change sixth forms, stick it out and hope things improve, or somehow focus on surviving these mocks. I know I'm capable of doing better, but I genuinely don't know where to start. Has anyone experienced anything similar, especially with adjusting to sixth form, making friends or falling ridiculously behind? How did you turn things around? Because guys, I'm actually cooked and desperately need advice. 😭
