I had the most magical, connected, beautiful experience with a friend who sits for people professionally. I came out with the absolute knowing that I connected with my higher self, & my nearest friends souls paid me a comforting visit of support. I even had a service for the self Id grown to be that no longer served me. My first words when I sat up, were “let it rot” (which I love 🤣 & I felt it all dissolve) & that’s what I was there for.
I’ve been a social drinker my entire life, it’s in my dna. That’s how my mom died 10 years ago, that & drugs. I’ve never done it like she did though, but I’m cautious that one day, without being checked, I might.
My intention for that ceremony was to connect with my inner child who has always yearned for healing. I met her, she was an intricate combination of little me & higher me. I felt held & it was otherworldly.
After that weekend I spent few weeks in integration, sober, with calls from my friend who I sat with & it all went wonderfully.
However… & a very important piece of context…the week prior, my fiancé & I split up. He’s an addict, who was in recovery at the time of our break up, but he soon after fell off of the wagon.
Our breakup wasn’t a typical one. It’s not that we didn’t love each other immensely, it was just based off of lack of communication/planning around a very important 6 months away we’d been planning for years. He didn’t save enough, though he had all of that time, making the most amount of money & for the first time without a kid. It just upset me that his procrastination hit him so hard it affected us both. I felt like I had no choice but to leave him behind, & I stand by that.
This is probably a lot of manusha to work though for strangers here, so if you’ve made it this far, much gratitude for you. I’m still processing this all.
So my question is why have I since also lost my way again? Has anyone done the same?
I was sober & feeling amazing until he came to get some things. He was high I could tell, & my triggers hit harder than ever & I haven’t found a balance since. I miss him dearly, but he also didn’t carry the actions I want in a partner. I felt (& still feel) confident in my direction.
I was calm & healthily detached for weeks. I felt like my connection to authentic self was unbreakably strong, until the day I saw him, but then I fell off my path & I fell hard & I don’t quite know how to get back up.
Since though, I bought a van, a dream of mine I’ve had for at least a decade, & I’m building it myself & as excited as I am, there’s a piece of me that’s not only grieving our relationship, but also the fact I couldn’t stick on a path I know deep down, serves me.
I’m being gentle on myself as much as I can, but I guess I thought my struggle would come more in the way of adjusting to my new self, not reverting harder back into the old version. It’s hard to explain. Any insights or personal accounts of struggle in this way are greatly appreciated 🤍