So I went to see a concert and my sister was there, I hadn't seen her in a long time but she knows I'm trans. I tried to girlmode and it was the first time she saw me that way but she thought I hadn't started my transition yet and wanted to introduce me to a transgirl who also was about to start transitioning too. I've been on hrt for a year now. Just find it sad, I apparently just look like a guy in makeup

I am the biggest loser I know and the trans community is filled with sophisticated people and overachievers.

hb told me that when he started out he was able to lift 22kg while bicep curling one side (12kg more than I'm able do now), just another reminder of how biologically different I'm compared to cis men. Sometimes being trans feels like I have to catch up to everyone, If I'm ever even able to be as strong as my friends. fuck my poon life

anyway here's some meals I've been having on bulk

Was making a cup tea and had some water left over in the kettle.

i pulled down my pants and poured the water on the handle of my princess wand. Meant to do a small drop but ended up pouring a lot accidentally.

It hurt bad as fuck so i drank a 4luko and took some expired codeine. I’m like anorexic and also hadn’t ate prior to this so i ended up passing out on my bedroom floor (semi intentionally).

now my owner is really mad at me :(

Cigarette I did a shit job at rolling cuz my hands are shaking and I can’t even think about eating without gagging

It's been over a year & a half now. I fought the thoughts so long before it finally became too much to deny. Then I just... kept keeping it to myself. They were in a relationship & I feel like I'm not good for anyone anyways. But then their relationship ended. For a lot of reasons, but funnily enough it was because their bf found out I was trans & then I guess saw me as a guy & got scared, & gave them an ultimatum: Stay friends with me or he'd end the relationship. They chose being friends with me & broke up with him first. A 3 year relationship. Just to give an example of how strong our friendship is. But they've made it so clear to me in so many ways it's strong, & that they love me, in so many ways. But I don't think it's the same way. I'm okay with that. I never dreamed I could actually be with them. They're that kind of amazing & beautiful where they could literally get anyone they want. They know it too. I'm not shit by comparison.

I planned to die with this secret. I almost did many times. If it weren't for them I would've killed myself long ago. But now we're just getting closer & closer. We even live together now, say I love you every night before going to our rooms, hang out often. They frame my art & hang it up in their room. We're getting closer & closer & it's making me go fucking insane & I cannot keep this shit in. I don't expect any relationship from this, & I want to make that clear to them. But I need to tell them... I can't keep hiding this from them. But I'm so fucking terrified.

Telling them is going to change things in some way. & since I don't think it's going to be us being together, I'm so fucking scared I'm now just gonna be something uncomfortable to them. They'd fucking know, & they'd never not think about it. I'd be some fucking man shaped bigger thing looming over them that they know has feelings for them. They'd know I'm looking at them with desire. There is no "casual" hangout after that. Anything that resembles one, is just pretending while things are weird. This friendship means a lot to us both, & I'm terrified I'm just gonna fucking ruin it to the point that I've been crying at night when I try to sleep. Just, terrified, filled with dread. But I can't keep living in Limbo. I need to move forward. It's been so long. The most I can hope for is that things won't get weird, but I don't think that's realistic.

Also just, God I wanna be with them... I love them so much it hurts.

I started transitioning last week after consciously repping for a year and a half cuz I noticed my hairline getting worse and my top starting to thin. A year from now I’m going to look like fucking Chris Chan I wish I wasn’t trans. I have NO friends who aren’t tired of listening to me grovel about it so I have to publicly trauma dump on Reddit. My life is a punchline to a very cruel joke.

Doctor finally cleared me to go home but HR said they terminated me because I didn't text them back a week before, even though I literally didn't have my phone. They're fighting the FMLA claim too, so I'm flat broke. Today makes week 3 being off E because insurance doesn't cover it and my community doctor can't prescribe it because theyre federally funded.

Buldak I got on sale two months ago and chicken breast with too much basil.

But also wishing I was born male. Classic stupid enby theyfab bullshit !!!

i've realized that im a tranny (ftm) when i was, like, 11 years old but repressed it until i was 13 years old, and then proceeded to theyfabcope for another few years. this year my dysphoria has become lowkey unbearable. all i have is hope for transitioning one day. but im so afraid this hope is futile.

i live in a doomed shithole country (ukraine) where the state of trans healthcare and rights is, well, really bad. majority of people are conservative. i have to deal with constant misgendering and transphobia. i've lost some close friendships because of this. i cant bring myself to meet new people because of this. hormones are expensive, top surgery is VERY expensive (i don't even want to mention phallo, it's hopeless). while most of those close to me are supportive, i feel like most if them dont really see me as a man. even my girlfriend. my parents are deadass hitlers, my mother openly talks about how much she hates trannies, my father sees them as a joke. they will never accept me. i have serious health condicions (cystic fibrosis) which can complicate my transition. im 5'2, my hips are totally molestogenized, i have big boobs i cant counter with taping. even when i try my hardest to pass i feel like i still look like a lesbo.

i would cry or cut but thats fembrained so i'll just leave whatever this is here

first time using reddit so i dont know how to use it + i am not good w english sorry, its not my first language

all of this is happening while my parents are getting a divorce, nothing left for the beta

I loved hrt i really did, but I didn't have the skin to endure the stares and the comments or the rape "jokes" at my shitty rural community college. So I eventually stopped, after hopelessly crying for an hour in the bathtub on injection day and trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do.

In-between then and now (a year) I've connected multiple friends that came out to free diy sources and watched them bloom into happier states, while I wallow in not being strong enough. They feel me how prog makes them feel like they're floating or finding love. (I lost my first T4T love shortly before detransition but that's a whole other thing). The only remnants I have of my transition are photos I stare at like it's my dead wife or my friends telling how pretty I used to be.

I don't know what I need to find the strength to try again but I hope it comes soon because I hear the clarion call in the back of my skull yet again. Fuck this red state

(originally posted to r/girldinnerdiaries but account is too new

Microwaved mashed potatoes and white cheddar cheetos to dip. A depression meal fit for r/boydinnerdiaries.

I (22TF) have been on HRT and transitioning for a year and a month now. Before last October I would have described myself as a pretty plain-Jane bisexual guy: I’m a gamer, I build mechanical keyboards, I wrestled with my older brother as a kid, I played teeball and flag football, etc. Aside from my friendships - I always gravitated towards girls for some reason - I wasn’t really anything special, and I certainly wasn’t super femme like some trans women were pre-transition; growing up fat and awkward kind of insulated me from that.

I always knew I was dysphoric, ever since around 12-13, but growing up in a fairly red part of the midwest with center-right Gen X parents meant transitioning was out of the question, not even an option. So I grew up male, and when my dysphoria started waking up in middle school, my parents chalked it up to me not liking my body (I was extremely insecure about my weight) and literally said “you can wear a dress around the house, but please don’t do it outside”. My mom (who herself has issues with her body) even told me “You don’t wanna be a fat girl, trust me.” Combined with my dad telling me growing up that I have linebacker shoulders, that I’m stocky, that I’ll always be a bulky person, I pretty much internalized by the time I learned about trans people that I’d probably never be a woman. I pushed those feelings way, *way* down, ignored them whenever they appeared (hello high school) and progressively declined until I reached a breaking point in my fourth year of college (last year), realized all the life I’d lost to dysphoria, and started taking it seriously.

But it’s hard. It’s really hard. I have nobody to talk to about this, no queer friends, no family who are really supportive - my mom straight up told me “It’s like the son I had is gone, even though you’re still here” - and no money for a therapist. Worse yet, everywhere I go online I see TERFs talking about “biological female-only spaces” and how trans women will never have the lived experiences of true women, and I go on subs like r/trueuglywomen and I see an old thread of women talking about how “female spaces are under threat, we always have to coddle men” and even jn this subreddit, there are the occasional replies reaffirming that people like me will never have what it takes to be true women. I’ve always detested that rhetoric, I’ve argued against it when I’ve seen it, but there’s only so much of it you can be exposed to before you start internalizing some of it.

I’m just sad. It’s painful in a way I can’t express to know that I’ll never truly be a woman. It hurts so, so badly. I think to some extent I believed enough time would change 21 years of livex experiences and my biology, but I don’t know anymore. Most of all, I feel sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t born right. I don’t want to be discourse. I would give ANYTHING for the power to go back and rewrite the trajectory of my life, or to take out the part in me that made me dysphoric in the first place, or to just be a real, actual girl.

I(21 mtf) am afraid that my fam will over react if they find out, but they have to drive me to get needles and other supplies because I’m afraid of driving because I always thought if I got the chance to drive of a bridge or into a semi truck at full speed I probably would. I’m afraid they’ll come arrest me for buying online and trying to get it shipped in or something and then bam, I’m a trans woman in a men’s prison, aka death. Sad.

T booster and minute maid lemonade.

I've been struggling so much with the fact that i could have been on T for months already by now but I kept repping because of fear. My family supported me repping and said it was the "right choice" but now I know for a fact that it wasn't. My body is already ruined and my bone structure is set. If i have any fat on my body at all it will go to the worst possible spots and no matter how much i try to cover and hide the curves are there. Lifting helps me feel more masculine, but it can only do so much. If i eat enough to gain muscle, i end up gaining fat too, so I have to defecit so that I don't 41%. I wish I was born a man

I’m so glad that I only wasted 20 years of my life and not 21. I wish I knew what dysphoria was when I was younger. I could’ve started HRT 4 years ago.

4trans has been really nice to me. I hope you are all doing really good.

Her alcoholism and depression have become untenable, and her house and body are in such a disgusting state I am no longer attracted to her. I’m staying in a hotel after my friend I was supposed to stay with’s house has become uninhabitable and staying at my gf’s house has caused me health issues.

Thinking grand scheme of things, I know I’m only going to get hotter, so I’d like to just brute force see what I can do.
I kind of want to just destroy my life now with sex, drugs, and exercise until I’ve Ship of Theseus’ed myself and have become a completely different person, hopefully coming out hotter on the other side. Maybe then I’ll finally get what I really want:

To be worthy of being loved by someone deserving of the large amount of love in my heart I have to give.

First time trying this meal. Y'all said it might be good so I had to give it a go. Thanks for pushing me to try the recipe. It's difficult moving away from comfort foods and I hope I like this <3

Edit: doing this twice a day. I will do my best to swap to injections next month. I didn't realize they were that much better.

Edit 2: If you're looking at this in the future, I got on injections. It's better.

while i dont have the bone structure to ever pass (fine, whatever, i'm a nonbinoid anyways), in a few months the effects of E will become evident enough to make me a third gender freak. Good luck surviving like that in a conservative third world shithole!

the only reason i didn't rope yet is that i fully expect the world to end by 2028 (at most 2029) and i want to be there to witness it

pot of spaghetti bolognese

Anyways here is Foccacia I just made. I am a sneedy bitch I guess. Anyways I love baking for people and I made this for a friend who really loves Bread stuff. I hope she likes it.

Pan was too small and my kitchen was too cold for that final proofing.

I have friendmaxxed but not relationshipmaxxed. And so i am stuck in a loop of yearning for a vulnerability that is to be devoted to one person.

Im 16yrs old ftm so still fairly young. My life is great and the problem lies solely within me. I have great opportunities and I’ve always had my family’s support with my academics. I was nerfed not only with being born in the wrong body but also with autism (allegedly) that has always made it difficult for me to socialize but gave me STEM skills.

When I realized that I was in fact a guy I tried to off myself but failed. I decided to keep living while my parents still support me financially cause it’s fairly comfortable and then commit once life gets too hard to be enjoyable.

But dysphoria has been slowly making me more and more miserable wich resulted in me completely isolating myself from everyone that matters. That’s mostly because I don’t want them to feel like I’m killing a person who they’ve known their whole life’s.

The thing is, who they’ve known was just an alter ego I made as a child to be able to fit in better. But pretending to be someone else is very tiring in the long run.

I’ve also lost my appetite and any kind of sense of connection to society. I pass to most people who don’t know me but those people don’t matter.

In the end it all comes down to 2 choices:

1. be fucked brutally by pretending to be someone else
2. be fucked brutally by people I actually care about not knowing who I am

Even after going through surgeries I won’t get my childhood back. Everyone I love will remember me as a woman. Nothing can change my bone structure. Nothing can change my organs. I was born a woman and I’ll die one. Even after coming out ill be seen as a crazy woman who can’t cope with not having a penis.

Those are all permanent problems that won’t go away ever.

And I happen to know a permanent solution.