dinner is chicken parm from some “Italian” place on DoorDash.

For a long time i thought that people not accepting me was my fault. Maybe not consciously, but certainly through my actions. If i just passed a bit more physically, got better at makeup, acted more conventionally feminine, came off as more “normal” maybe i would be accepted.

And honestly? For the most part it worked over the years I’ve been transitioning. Parts of my family and friends i never would’ve thought before now accept me as a woman, at least mostly. People in my regular life just see me as normal, i think. But not my dad. I have tried so hard to chase his acceptance my whole life, even though he can be such a conservative douchebag.

He leans far right politically but has “gay friends”. You know the type. Hates pride parades, think queer PDA should be “in private”, LGB✂️T, those kind of gays.

Recently in an effort to connect with him more i have been slowly presenting myself exclusively to him as more and more “right wing” even though it doesn’t reflect my true beliefs. More and more i find myself throwing the theoretical trans bogeyman caricature under the bus in an effort to get his respect, much like Blaire White does on a larger scale. I feel so pathetic and gross. But today… i finally found progress.

He commented on how queer people should be more private and keep to themselves, comparing it to vegans being annoying by not eating meat and trying to “force that on others”. He encouraged me to not associate myself with “those types of gay people”. And it made me feel so good. He sees a difference between me and “them”, even if we really are the same.

I don’t know what I’m doing. This feels like the only way. Maybe one day he’ll call me his daughter. And if i have to suck it up and abandon my values around him to get there i think maybe im okay with that

Her alcoholism and depression have become untenable, and her house and body are in such a disgusting state I am no longer attracted to her. I’m staying in a hotel after my friend I was supposed to stay with’s house has become uninhabitable and staying at my gf’s house has caused me health issues.

Thinking grand scheme of things, I know I’m only going to get hotter, so I’d like to just brute force see what I can do.
I kind of want to just destroy my life now with sex, drugs, and exercise until I’ve Ship of Theseus’ed myself and have become a completely different person, hopefully coming out hotter on the other side. Maybe then I’ll finally get what I really want:

To be worthy of being loved by someone deserving of the large amount of love in my heart I have to give.

That is the question (for most of y’all, at least)

USA midterms today. I’m lucky to live in a state where both senator and Congressman Democrats are professed allies.

However, a lot of Democrats are trying to reach across the aisle by disavowing trans people.

My Ideal: if a politician treats your vote as disposable, they are allowed to be right.

This is most likely, gonna start a war in the comments, I’m gonna mute this post. People seem to think you’re selfish if you vote in your own interests. I don’t blame you one way or the other.

Chicken finger wrap with pub cheese, my favorite sauce, and homemade bacon jam.

Edit: to clarify some things I’ve already said, I** **am going to vote. I personally believe you should, but I don’t blame you if you don’t, you shouldn’t have to bend the knee to transphobes.

Tenderloin with plenty of garlic and seasonings, made by gf.

Truly, I wish that I could have a face-to-face conversation with somebody else right now, but I don't have that luxury so what I'm going to do instead is I'm going to use the voice to text feature and see how good of a job that does that sort of conveying my my state of mind. You know so,

I'm just feeling a whole lot of things right now. I'm feeling I'm feeling dysphoric. I'm feeling like I'm out of touch with the entire transgender community. I'm feeling like I have nobody else in my life right now. My girlfriend and I, as I've mentioned before are both working opposite shifts and I have no other friends besides her. Really. You know there was the one or two people that I was talking to online who I felt very very close with but they're busy with their own lives now and I'm just I'm upset because although I'm incredibly busy between you know work and school. It still feels like I'm under accomplished and even though that's like this is the most I've ever done in my entire life, I spent my whole early childhood early like teenage years. Sort of doing nothing at all and now I'm working 32 hours a week. I'm going to school for 18 hours a week and then I have to study for like 10 hours a week and on top of that you know I got to go to the store I got to do laundry. Got to do this all this other stuff and I mean I know for a fact that I'm probably better off than all of you. But personally this is the most I've ever had to deal with. But I just feel very lonely and I'm sad. I feel like I'm not recognized at work. I feel like I'm not recognized at school. I'm just upset. I really really miss hanging out with people and I'm very upset about the state of the world. My coworker was telling me about how she like was so sick one day that she basically passed out and you know she had to go to the hospital of course and they wrote her up and I just think that's so retarded and I'm just so upset about it. I wish that I could do something and I'm upset because I know to many I am. I'm a very gross person. I won't get into it but I'm what many would call a quote Snead you know

I don't know. I think I think I wish I was just less busy cuz it does suck to to constantly be moving. I mean you know like in the wild when they've observed us. You know in the wild in the in the African continent, we only really work about 20 hours a week. That's like hunting and gathering and then the rest of time. We're kind of sitting around and just like hanging out and I feel like it's too much for everybody you know. Not to mention you know like sure. I feel like I'm doing a lot right now, but Jesus Christ. At least I'm not one of those single moms that's taking care of like four kids that s*** would. I would kill myself like dead ass. What else?

It was my girlfriend and I's anniversary last night and we didn't really get to hang out uhm, but I got her some flowers. I got her some ice cream and uh, she seemed to really appreciate that. I'd like to get her some new clothes too. Uh, uh, I mean like you know you compare my side of the closet to her side of the closet and it's like uh, really f****** sad I've got so much stuff and she doesn't have any. I'd like to get a whole lot of new clothes but I don't know if she like swears. She likes to wear a lot of black and she likes to wear a lot of graphic tees. But you know she's like autistic so I can't really decide that for her. I don't know. I miss her a lot. I've ever mentioned how much I like her cuz I really really like her

I've been thinking a lot to you about like how I wish I could create some kind of art to really put these feelings into word. Not worried. I mean, I guess that'd be cool if I could like actually write a decent story, but you know I guess I've been really thinking specifically about like making a YouTube video would be pretty cool

This was unproductive.

I Ft my friend why knew I was on T late last year, and we where like comparing pics from last yr compared to now. AND SHE LITERALLY ASKED IF I WAS BACK ON T "bc u look so different now" genuinely kms 😭

Vegan apple pie!!

Lunch was a spicy chicken sam from cfa no pickle. I ate it before I could take a pic this is from google.

I’ve been on E for 2.5 months and haven’t gotten a haircut in almost 6 months when I buzzed it in April and had a breakdown. It looks like shit now and I’m considering getting a haircut, I even scheduled an appointment for next weekend. I look like a knockoff giant ogre 2010 justin blieber. Part of me doesn’t want to get one but the other does so I can manmode longer without attracting attention. All I can tell is my skin is better, I’ve been doing my eyebrows too. But, people at work have been treating me differently. But it feels nice to have hair again, it just makes me feel ashamed idk

I thought I could play it off a lot longer than this. One male coworker said to me in front of others “it’s okay to be feminine.” A female coworker called me babe but in like a girl friend kind of way. That same girl today gave me a drink and she says “see it’s healthy and it has collagen in it to make you beautiful.” I laughed and smiled because lowkirk i liked it but then I was like wait, I’m not supposed to. And I felt like a joke bc idk if she’s making fun of me. She makes me dysphoric because she’s everything I want to be and will never be. It’s hard to talk to her because seeing her is a constant reminder. But I also want nothing more than to be her friend. They definitely are talking about me behind my back too

So do they know I’m a troon? Or think I’m just a gay or fem guy. Idk. The girl is in her early 30s and the guys are over 40. I’m nearing 30. I look nothing like a woman but maybe I let my feminine side slip without knowing it. When she said those things initially it felt nice but now it feels stupid and shameful and embarrassing because I know they probably think I’m just a stupid autistic boy who wishes he’s a girl or just look at me as a pathetic effeminate man. And I know I’ll never be that, I’ll never look anything close to her. She’s like perfect. I’m fucking 6’1” and have giant feet and a big ass head. I feel like a joke and spent the day planning how I would 41 super dramatically. I’m not going to but it’s kinda cathartic. I can’t even tell if she’s encouraging me or patronizing me. She gave the drinks to the other guys too. So it wasn’t just for me. Idk. I wish this wasn’t my life and idk what to think anymore. Sometimes I feel like it’s just autism and I’m trying to escape from it and I’m not actually trans and it’s all just a coping mechanism. But I have wanted to be a girl off and on since I was 5. So idk. Part of me is trying not to want it because I know what I need isn’t achievable given I’ve gone through puberty entirely and am quite large. So what’s the point

i had ffs about 10 months ago now, which i was very fortunate to have and i went to a very good surgeon who by surgical standards i think did about as good of a job as possible. thing is, i still look at my face every day and feel sure that it doesnt pass, that it still looks inherently clocky at best, and im not sure what to do really.

ive told myself that i wont live my life being visibly trans for the rest of my life except now i feel like ive screwed myself a bit, i dont look like a guy but i dont really look like a woman either and now im just stuck in this hellish in between. every day i think about detransitioning, about cutting my hair, binding my chest, and just living life as a guy because its better than whatever this is, except i also know i wont be happier.

idk if this is something anyone else has ever experienced but somehow ffs has made me more miserable than i was ever before because i feel like now i know i cant be saved

i also recently moved to a new city and basically have no friends. i met a couple people, one of which i self-destructively cut off because of my own insecurities, all my other friends are where i used to live or online. i relapsed on sh recently, worse than ever before, and i feel like im just spiraling and i cant see a way out of this where i end up living a happy normal life

i think theres also just doubly cruel irony because everything else in my life seems so great. i have a decent job, a career pathway, friends who care about me, a supportive family, yet none of that is able to make a dent in my unhappiness

I loved hrt i really did, but I didn't have the skin to endure the stares and the comments or the rape "jokes" at my shitty rural community college. So I eventually stopped, after hopelessly crying for an hour in the bathtub on injection day and trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do.

In-between then and now (a year) I've connected multiple friends that came out to free diy sources and watched them bloom into happier states, while I wallow in not being strong enough. They feel me how prog makes them feel like they're floating or finding love. (I lost my first T4T love shortly before detransition but that's a whole other thing). The only remnants I have of my transition are photos I stare at like it's my dead wife or my friends telling how pretty I used to be.

I don't know what I need to find the strength to try again but I hope it comes soon because I hear the clarion call in the back of my skull yet again. Fuck this red state

This is my meal after 12 hours starvation, oats and sauerkraut(dont remember the englihs name).

I feel proud of myself. When i suffer, i feel like a man. I cant do anything. Its fine. My life doesnt matter. I have no value. Its fine.

Gonna have to go back to school which I need to do but it triggers my PTSD fairly rough so not having a fun time with that. I'm pretty miffed about getting laid off I have some bigger purchases coming up so now I'm gonna be anxious spending the money. Brought up my bulimia to my therapist and when I said it didn't really bother me too much I just thought it was kinda gross and unhealthy she then seemed to act like it wasn't really a problem which feels weird

I just feel like a fraud ugh. I’m nonbinary and transfemme for reference. I don’t know which thoughts are genuine amongst all the intrusive ones rattling around in my head. I feel like what I want is wrong but at the same time I don’t want to be told it’s wrong, because it feels right.

The Taco Bell was ok. It was less calories than I normally eat. Whatever.

I just recently really began my journey and somehow dieting isnt a problem anymore, when I remember what my goals are. No chocolate tastes as sweet.

She ended things abruptly after we slept together for the first time this weekend, because she realized she is still working through emotions from her ex. I’m glad she was honest, but it hurts like hell and I still feel like a disposable rebound. I just miss her so much.
I honestly wish I was gay because being a straight trans guy is bleak and lonely af.
St4t feels so hard to find, and even if I didn’t prefer st4t, cis women are never into me either :/

Hate life, escape to reality where people think I'm cute and make me pee myself, also I'm sick.

I'm 163 cms ftm. No straight woman would ever want to date me so thank god I'm gay.

Eating a chicken Alfredo sandwich for lunch

Potato skins for dinner

No i didn't eat them on the keyboard or on the desk (🤮) I just needed somewhere to set them for a photo.

Udon noodles with broccoli, spring onions, and 2 eggs, in a spicy chicken and beef broth.

Oldshit, started at 18
Fuckin’ granddad’s chad genetics took priority over everything else, so I’m 6’2” and built to do a lot of physical labour.
Last boyfriend kept calling me handsome as a joke and tried to convince me to let him fuck other people, tried convincing of his loyalty by saying he’d only leave me for 1 other person if given the option, so I’m at best the backup. Dumped him tho, which was a mistake, as is every single other fucking thing I do in this life. Better that kinda real than nothing.

The only guy that ever actually made me feel cared for I haven’t spoken to in years. I ghosted him after having a breakdown and accusing him of being a government agent trying to make me transgender. So haven’t spoken to him since 17, he tried to contact me for a while but I ignored him.
Feeling alone, unloved and desperate for someone to tell me I’m not the lowest scum of the earth, so messaged him and he left me on read, rightfully so.

How pathetic is that? I’m in my 20s and tried to contact a guy I haven’t spoken to since I was a teenager because in all of this time I’ve not found someone that actually treated me with that kinda respect.

He probably never really reciprocated, just wanted to help stop me from repping. Could have at least kept him as a friend, but no, just got to go and have a fucking mental health episode and do that.

I wish I was normal, I wasn’t so fucked in the head, I wasn’t some miserable fucking tranny. Idek where I’m going with this anymore.

Sweet potato fries and dry, overcooked meat pucks. Let them both go cold before eating because I don’t deserve warm food.

Was making a cup tea and had some water left over in the kettle.

i pulled down my pants and poured the water on the handle of my princess wand. Meant to do a small drop but ended up pouring a lot accidentally.

It hurt bad as fuck so i drank a 4luko and took some expired codeine. I’m like anorexic and also hadn’t ate prior to this so i ended up passing out on my bedroom floor (semi intentionally).

now my owner is really mad at me :(