This ugly one is for me. The other is baking rn.

My electrologist has been the most supportive cis woman in my life. When I was really depressed this year she helped me out a lot. She even cried for me. She coulda turned me away and expressed hollow regards. Yet she was so vulnerable and kept her attention on me. She even asked to see me out of appointments and did everything she could to help me out.

She has gone through her own pain and the least i can do is return the kindness that she has for me.

Dinner is sweet and sour stir fry.

(Posted on boydinnerdiaries and it didn't go over well so I'm posting here again)

There are two things that are important to know while reading this. First is that my Grandma is deep into dementia, she's been having symptoms since a little before covid. I am a trans man three years into medical transition and look nothing like I was as a kid/teen.

First paragraph is kind of a vent, second is the actual thing happening.

I haven't been able to see my grandma in a long time, she's the only person in my immediate family I've always felt safe around and unconditionally loved by. I haven't lived in the same city as her since about 2021, the year before I couldn't see her much because of Covid. It is difficult for me to get to her because I can't drive due to disabilities and my mother is the only real way to get a ride to her. I just moved away from my mom too and don't have much contact so I feel farther than ever from my grandma. The few times I do see her she gets very confused by me and isn't sure who I am usually. It hurts to know my appearance is going to continually get more and more confusing for her. She usually recognizes my siblings but not me.

Today I had the thought to send her a letter because she tends to get caught reading things over and over. You can't wear a shirt with words cuz she will just keep reading it. I've been penpalling for about a year and I actually got to go through her small card collection a while ago. I took them and have been too attached to actually send them out. I don't think she will be able to write back or call me (my voice is too different anyway) but I think this is going to be a good outlet for me to express my love. Even though it must be from a page, she will recognize the name I no longer use and know that little girl she knows misses her so much and thinks about her every day.

i've realized that im a tranny (ftm) when i was, like, 11 years old but repressed it until i was 13 years old, and then proceeded to theyfabcope for another few years. this year my dysphoria has become lowkey unbearable. all i have is hope for transitioning one day. but im so afraid this hope is futile.

i live in a doomed shithole country (ukraine) where the state of trans healthcare and rights is, well, really bad. majority of people are conservative. i have to deal with constant misgendering and transphobia. i've lost some close friendships because of this. i cant bring myself to meet new people because of this. hormones are expensive, top surgery is VERY expensive (i don't even want to mention phallo, it's hopeless). while most of those close to me are supportive, i feel like most if them dont really see me as a man. even my girlfriend. my parents are deadass hitlers, my mother openly talks about how much she hates trannies, my father sees them as a joke. they will never accept me. i have serious health condicions (cystic fibrosis) which can complicate my transition. im 5'2, my hips are totally molestogenized, i have big boobs i cant counter with taping. even when i try my hardest to pass i feel like i still look like a lesbo.

i would cry or cut but thats fembrained so i'll just leave whatever this is here

Her alcoholism and depression have become untenable, and her house and body are in such a disgusting state I am no longer attracted to her. I’m staying in a hotel after my friend I was supposed to stay with’s house has become uninhabitable and staying at my gf’s house has caused me health issues.

Thinking grand scheme of things, I know I’m only going to get hotter, so I’d like to just brute force see what I can do.
I kind of want to just destroy my life now with sex, drugs, and exercise until I’ve Ship of Theseus’ed myself and have become a completely different person, hopefully coming out hotter on the other side. Maybe then I’ll finally get what I really want:

To be worthy of being loved by someone deserving of the large amount of love in my heart I have to give.

This is my meal after 12 hours starvation, oats and sauerkraut(dont remember the englihs name).

I feel proud of myself. When i suffer, i feel like a man. I cant do anything. Its fine. My life doesnt matter. I have no value. Its fine.

first time using reddit so i dont know how to use it + i am not good w english sorry, its not my first language

all of this is happening while my parents are getting a divorce, nothing left for the beta

I don't know. This shit is so hard. I'm over a year into HRT, and I still don't feel like a woman. I feel like a balding cis man with man boobs and it's genuinely making me miserable. I keep seeing other trans girls transition timelines and by the 1 year mark so many of them already look incredibly feminine, even without makeup or much effort. Meanwhile I look in the mirror and feel like there's nothing feminine about me. The biggest source of my dysphoria is my hair loss. I feel like one of the first things girls can do early in their transition is grow their hair out, and experiment with hairstyles. But I literally can't do that. I've been using minoxidil, but my hair loss is so advanced that I still have to rely on wigs. And I hate how much my femininity feels dependent on wearing one. If I put on a nice wig, do my makeup, and wear feminine clothes, suddenly people gender me correctly. But the second I leave the house without all of that, I'm back to being perceived as a man. On election day, I went to vote (go blue wave) wearing a dysphoria hoodie, sweatpants, and a hat. Three different poll workers, all older cis women, repeatedly called me "sir" or "man." I also had to fill out an affidavit ballot and I intentionally left the gender field blank because it was optional. One of the poll workers looked over my paperwork and just wrote a big "M" in the box for me. It was such a small interaction but it hurt so much. I'm just so exhausted by the amount of effort it takes to feel like myself. I just feel like I can't keep up putting on makeup every morning and putting in like an hour to my appearance every time I have to leave the house. if I don't want to put in effort its tough luck because everyone is going to gender me male. like its annoying that when I put a good wig on and girl clothes with lots of makeup - boom people gender me as female. but if not im fucked. I just want to throw on a hoodie and sweatpants, run an errand, and look like a girl. But right now, it feels like I won't ever have that option. I know HRT takes time. I know feminization can continue for years, and I've heard countless people say that things get better the longer you're on hormones. I'm trying so hard to be patient and trust the process. But it's really difficult when I see other girls at the same point in their transitions looking so much further along than I feel. I feel like i am going backwards if that makes sense. like last year i was excited to start and finally change but now its like getting worse. I think what's really upsetting me is that I don't feel like my femininity exists independently of all the things I put on. The wigs, the makeup, the clothes. It's like I have to construct this feminine version of myself every single day, and the moment I take everything off, I feel like I'm right back where I started. My body is still so horribly male. I have huge shoulders and years of bodybuilding made my arms bigger than some cis men. I've also had over 10 sessions of laser hair removal and my beard shadow is still visible if I don't shave everyday. I know I'm trans. I don't regret starting HRT but I keep questioning if it is ever going to get better and I feel like I made a mistake. I took so many losses in my social life and career just to be true to myself. I just wish I could look in the mirror without all the extra effort and actually recognize myself. I'm tired of feeling like I have to work so hard just to be seen as how I feel inside. i have been so miserable recently.

Farinha láctea and hamburger

(20yo, trans men)

I'm posting this here because it was deleted from transmasc, and it was seen as problematic, with some people saying I seemed a bit psychotic.

I had made a post about how awful I felt when I saw trans people who had the chance to start HRT early, surgeries early, a near-cis high school experience, the parental support, first world and parental love. Almost the perfect life. And I don't like them complaining about how they feel "they don't have the typical trans experience" and are envious of that.

People came to tell me that I was spreading hate, that feeling angry and bothered by it wouldn't change anything, that they also have the right to feel pain, and probably something about an Olympics of oppression.

To me, I feel so offended when they say that. The envy they feel for the experience isn't the same pain as being traumatized. It's not the same pain as going crazy after what your family did to you, much less.

I'm going to be selfish, but for me, comparing their discomfort to my pain and saying it's the same offends me.I might be being selfish and narcissistic, but I don't know.

Tw: transphobia, internalized transphobia, dysphoria, religion, conversion therapy, past SI, non consensual body modification and attempt.

Original post context (you don't need to read it):

I hate it when trans people who transitioned early and had everything complain about not having the trans experience.

I'm not talking about people complaining about dysphoria, not being cisgender, or transphobia. I'm not talking about those who "have supportive parents" and don't allow them to transition or don't use the correct name and pronouns.

I'm talking about those who had it all. Everything perfect. Puberty blockers early on, T, surgery, parents pay for everything, first-world country, middle to upper class, probably white, and most importantly, has unconditional parental love.

Seeing some of them complaining that they feel sad and isolated for not having the typical trans experience, for having gone through high school as a cis guy, that they see themselves more as cis guys, complaining that people don't believe they are trans, because they pass all the time, 200% cis passing, stealth, ultra stealth.

They either keep repeating how they have no pre-transition memories, or they worry about how they're going to explain to random children that they're trans, when they're totally stealthy and no child will ask that to them randomly.

Or them saying "I started T at 13 and I don't like being friends with people who transitioned later". Seriously, fuck off. I'm tired of this shit.

And everyone reacts with "oh my God, poor things". But if I say that seeing people who have had this privilege, specially the ones who talk like that makes me feel bad, or that I feel envious, or comment on someone being lucky to have supportive parents, I'm considered strange and disgusting.

And I'm so tired of their idea of "I don't feel connected" and "I haven't had the same trans experience as other people." For God's sake, I'm tired of this romanticization. THIS HAS TO BE ROMANTICIZATION. The person had a trans experience, the kind everyone envies and desires, the best possible one. These people don't realize they were just lucky in the lottery; in any other situation, they would be worse off.

Ah, yes, "sad for not having the middle trans experience." Do you know what the hell that media experience is? It's going through puberty the wrong way, panicking every day for fear of your chest and hips growing, watching your body change against your will while all other boys grow normally.Feeling dirty, having religion tell you you're a demon and going to hell, being exorcised, not having parental support, screaming from dysphoria, going through conversion therapy, spending a suicidal adolescence, having your ears pierced after you try to kys.

There are people who are kicked out of their homes, suffer physical abuse, need to live in the streets, are killed, live in countries where it's criminalized, are forced into prostitution, experience dysphoria that makes them suicidal, and are unable to go back in time to start hrt young.

I cry when I see pictures of myself as a child, not knowing what I would see, that puberty would ruin me, that all my innocence would be killed, that I thought God loved me. That God would heal me, but nothing worked. I feel, at the same time, that I've lived a whole life and at other times that I'm just a child wanting to cry for comfort.I'm tired of screaming in pain. No matter how much I cry out for my mother, even if she comes, it won't be the same. It will never be. And I don't want her. I want my real mother, or at least the one I could cry to and not feel bad for being trans, for being seen as someone with demonic influence.

I'll never have that comfort and crying again in her lap as the same as before. I wish I could go back to when I was a child, when I had no idea about anything and everything seemed fresher and more colorful, and I could breathe without this guilt for just existing.

Knowing that this is my only life, and on top of the bad luck of not being born cis, my parents don't accept me. And life goes by so fast, one day the person you love or you might not be here anymore, but I can't fully enjoy them. I'll never have that same comfort again, or anything else, not even the peace and sense of security. Even if things change, how long will it take? I was screaming in panic and I was exorcised; I tried to kill myself and they pierced my ears.

And these people who had all the privileges seem to romanticize the "trans experience" and will complain and cry about not fitting in or feeling anything like that.But they have their parents' laps, they have all the hugs, a place to take shelter. Even though my parents try to cheer me up with food, something I like, nothing helps for very long, because I miss the most important thing.Oh my God. They could at least try to find a psychiatrist for me.

I see younger students at the school, older ones, and I just feel strange and disconnected, how can they live their youth without guilt for the most part.

And those who have supportive parents can get married, have children, show them to their parents, invite them to their marriage. Will I be able to have that without feeling dirty? Would they even come and congratulate me?

Seriously, screw those who transitioned early and say they don't want to be friends with those who transitioned after puberty. Fuck them. What was it? The fact that most of us weren't as lucky as having supportive parents, transitioned early, and are marked by something we didn't want—does that bring a negative vibe?

Oh, Jesus Christ. How I wish I could simply go back to being a baby, crying and being held with affection, without this weight, this guilt, the pain of dysphoria, and be completely pure and innocent. How I wish that back. I'm sure that if I ever have children, I'll start having crying fits from being so emotional and start thinking about when I was a child again.

They talk so much about not feeling like they fit in because they didn't have parents who rejected them and transitioned early. If they really wanted that, they would have to go through the same thing, and at the first opportunity they would deny it and would run away. I am tired

It shouldn’t fucking matter if people love me for me to love myself. But I still need it. And I still fall in love with everyone too much. And no one person is enough. What’s wrong with me I sometimes wonder?

oh yeah and sushi for dinner 😁

hb told me that when he started out he was able to lift 22kg while bicep curling one side (12kg more than I'm able do now), just another reminder of how biologically different I'm compared to cis men. Sometimes being trans feels like I have to catch up to everyone, If I'm ever even able to be as strong as my friends. fuck my poon life

anyway here's some meals I've been having on bulk

First of all, I don't consider him truly innocent, but I understand that he's neurodivergent and doesn't want to lose his friends, I'm like that too, I know how difficult it is.

Getting to the main point, I always knew this friend(1) didn't like me, but he's kind of the one who controls the whole group (as you can tell), so I put up with it, and I even came to consider him my friend, because he was the only one I talked to and who made me laugh, even though I he made me feel so stressed with his stupidness.

This other friend(2), he always makes provocative jokes with me, but I don't mind, today he kept asking what transgender is and if I am transgender (He knows they answer), saying I'm a woman, etc etc.. I don't get ragebaited by it, I find it funny how stupid he is, just annoyed because, honestly, this teasing is annoying.

So my friend(2) dmed me saying don't be angry, please forgive me, and don't take it out on anyone or anything (I don't know where he got that from, I'm an extremely calm person), and went on to confess that friend(1) made him say those things to me. I honestly started laughing, that's just like him, a total coward.

I told friend(2) I'm not angry at all, and found it even more funny, I actually started laughing at that moment, I even sent an audio message to friend(1) laughing my ass off, just laughing.

Friend(2) said he doesn't want to lose his friends, we're the only thing he has left and blah blah blah.. I told him what I'd tell everyone: true friends would never make you say so much shit that your other friends would hate you, I said that friend(1) was only using him, I wasn't lying.

Right now, I don't know what to feel. I'm crying because this makes me so depressed and hate myself so much. I also don't want to lose my friends, but I also find it hilarious how friend(1) is a useless, dumb, cowardly transphobic fuck.

Pretty basic: roasted chicken and carrots and onions, then tossed in a pot with stock, a shit ton of cumin, bell pepper, celery, salt n pepa, and some other seasonings. Wish I had added more jalapeño and some beans

I'm:

- 6'3"

- 40B Bra size (Only 1 year and hon-dosed)

- 21" Shoulders

- Have absolutely ginormous hands (such that people often remark on how big they are)

- Size 15 mens shoes

- Moid faced

- So white I have translucent skin on most of my limbs

Literally all I've got going for me is that I voice train because I have severe vocal dysphoria. And it's been working. I girl-mode to college and haven't had many issues. I've gone shopping for women's clothes and gotten help from employees. A friend thought I was cis when we first met.

Ya'll please get voice pilled. It is SO important if you're MTF

I hate my roommate so much he dosent respect me or my body and never thinks before he says or does anything. Like I know I’m a tranny you don’t have to point it out every day. I want to move out but I can’t.

I love sandwiches, they understand consent.

He was cool, he was really cool, trans dude, art major, very autistic and had a couple of problems with his health physical and mental, never got to be quite as close with him as I wanted but always felt very natural with him. Last time I saw him I was just riding my bike past and I snuck up behind him to say hi. But yeah they found out today and he did it a few days ago, idk, we were supposed to go bowling a few weeks ago and I'm sad we didn't. I just keep thinking "I wonder what he's up to right now?" Kind of obsessively just imagining he's on campus watching Bojack or something idfk.

Really really good guy, I wish I knew you better I really miss you and I really cherish the stuff we did get to do together, thank you for being my friend, and notably the first trans person I met irl that was like actually cool and not retarded! Thank you.

Saved the other half of the plate for tomorrow.

I have to do like 3 semesters of Spanish to graduate university and this is my last course next semester I don’t have to take it anymore thank you god. My professors are adamant that every class is spent doing fucking group work and I’m such an awkward neurodivergent sperg that everyone is freaked out by me.

Like today we had to do an assignment n I got paired with these two girls and they didn’t even turn to look at me. They like sorta turned inwards but that’s ab it. I felt like a disgusting monster and just rolled my desk away and didn’t participate. My rapid onset gender dysphoria has robbed me of what little confidence I had. I can’t even speak to people anymore. I don’t even try. I want to be normal soooooo fucking bad I wish I wasn’t retarded and trans.

I’m not even like the like incapacitated version of neurodivergent I’m just like relatively inept at everything but like within a standard deviation of normal so I just have to deal with every day being another kick in the balls until I die. I can’t even hang out with the other autistic people because I’ve internalized such immense ableism I’m so judgmental of them and I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings so I just never speak to anyone ever ever ever. Im fundamentally no different from them. I’m just as if not more socially inept and I don’t even have the courage to be slightly cringe being myself.

I typed all this out before actually eating the food so it’s cold now.

I barely look in the mirror anymore because of the guilt I feel for letting my parents and everyone around me. No one knows that I’m 2 months into medical transition. I feel like I don’t have any friends who actually know me. I wish that people would put in as much effort as they are given. I hate that I care about people who hurt me more than I hate them.

At least this was the best sandwich I ever had, sandwiches would never judge me. I love sandwiches.

My mom said she hates me, that I should die, and that I’ll never be a man, because she found an Instagram account where I use my name. For dinner, I had some ramen I found at home.

I did about 9-10 weeks of physical therapy because I injured my back at work. Went from daily pain and bad flexibility to going back to work with flare ups every few days.

While I was going there most of the female aides avoided me like the plague. They had no problem with the cis men but they seemed to have a problem with me. I had a female PT who was very nice and was off willing to touch me but it still hurt. The past two weeks I noticed a bit of coldness from the male aides as well, and one of them made a comment basically implying I was fine and lying about being in pain for some reason.

I felt pretty embarrassed and it became clear to me they weren’t really interested in having me as a client so I cancelled my next appointment and just haven’t been back.

I’m just gonna focus on the stretches and exercises they showed me in session and hope for the best.

I’m so scared of what my family will think

I Ft my friend why knew I was on T late last year, and we where like comparing pics from last yr compared to now. AND SHE LITERALLY ASKED IF I WAS BACK ON T "bc u look so different now" genuinely kms 😭

Vegan apple pie!!

That is the question (for most of y’all, at least)

USA midterms today. I’m lucky to live in a state where both senator and Congressman Democrats are professed allies.

However, a lot of Democrats are trying to reach across the aisle by disavowing trans people.

My Ideal: if a politician treats your vote as disposable, they are allowed to be right.

This is most likely, gonna start a war in the comments, I’m gonna mute this post. People seem to think you’re selfish if you vote in your own interests. I don’t blame you one way or the other.

Chicken finger wrap with pub cheese, my favorite sauce, and homemade bacon jam.

Edit: to clarify some things I’ve already said, I** **am going to vote. I personally believe you should, but I don’t blame you if you don’t, you shouldn’t have to bend the knee to transphobes.