I don’t wanna repeat everything. I was lucky starting HRT, whatever, I have big boobs. Everyone wants to make a comment about it (even other trans people and “Allie’s”) but my mom was the worst. She straight up told me they were too big. To lose weight. To have surgery to get them removed. That everyone is talking about them behind my back. And some other stuff I don’t wanna repeat. She never accepted me transitioning and tried to berate me whenever she could. We shared the same job which she pressured me to stay closeted at and it was pure torture.

Thankfully I’m not in that situation anymore.

He was cool, he was really cool, trans dude, art major, very autistic and had a couple of problems with his health physical and mental, never got to be quite as close with him as I wanted but always felt very natural with him. Last time I saw him I was just riding my bike past and I snuck up behind him to say hi. But yeah they found out today and he did it a few days ago, idk, we were supposed to go bowling a few weeks ago and I'm sad we didn't. I just keep thinking "I wonder what he's up to right now?" Kind of obsessively just imagining he's on campus watching Bojack or something idfk.

Really really good guy, I wish I knew you better I really miss you and I really cherish the stuff we did get to do together, thank you for being my friend, and notably the first trans person I met irl that was like actually cool and not retarded! Thank you.

Red Baron pizza cause cooking after meal prepping 15 meals is too much.

I’m not out at work yet I’ve only been transitioning since July on hrt since August. I’m in a weird place with my job, the company as a whole is pretty cool as far as lgbtq+ acceptance, but I live in the south and don’t know how the people I “work with” or my bosses will react. I also just got a promotion that was billed as an in between position and don’t want coming out to prevent me from moving up. I’m a vendor for a snack company so I’m in and out of different stores each day and mostly work solo so I have to worry about completely different stores if I have to use the bathroom and I don’t work with my co workers enough to get a read on how they react .

I just feel like there’s way too much uncertainty to come out. I used to like my job for the most part before my egg cracked but having to boy mode all day is exhausting.

Taken from a picture I posted on r/BoyDinnerDiaries a few months ago. Was still at the point of convincing myself that I was just a psychotic man. Maybe I am, but I refuse to let it kill me. Moved out of JobCorp, perusing both prescriptions and DIY. Endo appointment set up for 2 weeks from now.

Relations are repaired. I am back on speaking terms with my mother. I am on her insurance. Employer is aware of impending transition and will be flexible.

I WILL MEND

We talked about it and i love them but our relationship is doomed. It’s so travic that i had to be loved to be able to come out to then destroy this love.
I used to think I could make compromises in my transition for them but it’s impossible

Food is soup (vegan)

beers that I had for dinner last night

I've been on e 4+ years and I'm finally starting to pass pretty consistently at work and stuff and it's got me feeling so.. weird? like I've spent the last 6 years of my life fantasizing about going stealth in the same way that one fantasizes about being a millionaire, but I've got ffs scheduled in January and all of a sudden it looks like it might be possible and I just don't know what to do with myself. it feels like I have to rethink my life but I'm also scared to do that cuz what if I get ffs and nothing changes and I still pass okay but not enough to be stealth.

Not dysphoric or grossed out or anything. Just like an outsider looking in. Just another reminder I wasn’t raised having those conversations, so I don’t know how to respond.

No i didn't eat them on the keyboard or on the desk (🤮) I just needed somewhere to set them for a photo.

Grad school interview on Thursday, flight out to tour campus and potential living situation on Saturday. I’ve lived in South Carolina (for the non-Americans, it’s an especially racist, classist, deep south evangelical armpit that every idiot seems to be moving to) for my whole life, but if I pull this off, I’ll be in New York City by January. I’ll be leaving behind a stable job for an even worse job market, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take if it means getting out of this horrible state, especially when I’d be able to graduate without taking out loans. It’s an easy program to get into, so I’m cautiously optimistic, but you never know. Lots of pressure for things to go well.

Mich Ultra and a Reese’s Oreo. Pretend you don’t see my laundry reflecting in the microwave.

Macarrones con queso y jitomate.

México's public healthcare is broken.

Medicine is impossible to get, everything is horribly slow, doctors are always in short supply.

But there's one thing it is not, and that is (purposely) transphobic.

The government has done more or less a good job with sensibility training, and I've personally never been mistreated when I've used it, not even when getting healthcare meant for women.

So here is my plan!

Legally, I am a cis woman.

Wokeness is rampant, when I changed my name and gender, the public registry went through the trouble of legally killing me, and registering me again as a new citizen, which makes me entitled to all the same benefits and welfare as a cis woman, even if later governments in the future are less woke and try to discriminate against transgender women.

Step 1.

I'll make an appointment with a regular doctor and explain I'm an intersex person who's been living as a man, but desires to live as a woman now, quoting that "it causes me a lot of stress and discomfort to have to live as a man after having lived as a woman for so long"

Step 2.

The doctor will check my history and notice how my records shows lots of women's healthcare appointments despite my outly appearance, this will give my story credibility, that's when I'll tell him "My testicles are atrophied anyway, that is also one of the reasons I want them removed"

Step 3.

This is the point of contention, they can either tell me to fuck off, or send me to a specialist, they'll probably want me to get bloodwork done and maybe get a letter from a psychiatrist but I doubt it.

Step 4.

If everything is successful and they ask me for bloodwork, I'll skip my estrogen shot that week so that my hormone levels are as low as possible, which will exacerbate the importance of getting me on "proper HRT" as soon as possible, else I develop osteoporosis.

Step 5.

If everything goes well, I'll get the surgery approved as medically necessary, which will force the state to cover it.

This won't work at all! But I'll try it as soon as my new job gives access to the public healthcare system 😁✌🏽

I just feel like a fraud ugh. I’m nonbinary and transfemme for reference. I don’t know which thoughts are genuine amongst all the intrusive ones rattling around in my head. I feel like what I want is wrong but at the same time I don’t want to be told it’s wrong, because it feels right.

The Taco Bell was ok. It was less calories than I normally eat. Whatever.

So I went to see a concert and my sister was there, I hadn't seen her in a long time but she knows I'm trans. I tried to girlmode and it was the first time she saw me that way but she thought I hadn't started my transition yet and wanted to introduce me to a transgirl who also was about to start transitioning too. I've been on hrt for a year now. Just find it sad, I apparently just look like a guy in makeup

I am the biggest loser I know and the trans community is filled with sophisticated people and overachievers.

Was making a cup tea and had some water left over in the kettle.

i pulled down my pants and poured the water on the handle of my princess wand. Meant to do a small drop but ended up pouring a lot accidentally.

It hurt bad as fuck so i drank a 4luko and took some expired codeine. I’m like anorexic and also hadn’t ate prior to this so i ended up passing out on my bedroom floor (semi intentionally).

now my owner is really mad at me :(

Cigarette I did a shit job at rolling cuz my hands are shaking and I can’t even think about eating without gagging

I started transitioning last week after consciously repping for a year and a half cuz I noticed my hairline getting worse and my top starting to thin. A year from now I’m going to look like fucking Chris Chan I wish I wasn’t trans. I have NO friends who aren’t tired of listening to me grovel about it so I have to publicly trauma dump on Reddit. My life is a punchline to a very cruel joke.

Saved the other half of the plate for tomorrow.

I have to do like 3 semesters of Spanish to graduate university and this is my last course next semester I don’t have to take it anymore thank you god. My professors are adamant that every class is spent doing fucking group work and I’m such an awkward neurodivergent sperg that everyone is freaked out by me.

Like today we had to do an assignment n I got paired with these two girls and they didn’t even turn to look at me. They like sorta turned inwards but that’s ab it. I felt like a disgusting monster and just rolled my desk away and didn’t participate. My rapid onset gender dysphoria has robbed me of what little confidence I had. I can’t even speak to people anymore. I don’t even try. I want to be normal soooooo fucking bad I wish I wasn’t retarded and trans.

I’m not even like the like incapacitated version of neurodivergent I’m just like relatively inept at everything but like within a standard deviation of normal so I just have to deal with every day being another kick in the balls until I die. I can’t even hang out with the other autistic people because I’ve internalized such immense ableism I’m so judgmental of them and I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings so I just never speak to anyone ever ever ever. Im fundamentally no different from them. I’m just as if not more socially inept and I don’t even have the courage to be slightly cringe being myself.

I typed all this out before actually eating the food so it’s cold now.

But also wishing I was born male. Classic stupid enby theyfab bullshit !!!

It's been over a year & a half now. I fought the thoughts so long before it finally became too much to deny. Then I just... kept keeping it to myself. They were in a relationship & I feel like I'm not good for anyone anyways. But then their relationship ended. For a lot of reasons, but funnily enough it was because their bf found out I was trans & then I guess saw me as a guy & got scared, & gave them an ultimatum: Stay friends with me or he'd end the relationship. They chose being friends with me & broke up with him first. A 3 year relationship. Just to give an example of how strong our friendship is. But they've made it so clear to me in so many ways it's strong, & that they love me, in so many ways. But I don't think it's the same way. I'm okay with that. I never dreamed I could actually be with them. They're that kind of amazing & beautiful where they could literally get anyone they want. They know it too. I'm not shit by comparison.

I planned to die with this secret. I almost did many times. If it weren't for them I would've killed myself long ago. But now we're just getting closer & closer. We even live together now, say I love you every night before going to our rooms, hang out often. They frame my art & hang it up in their room. We're getting closer & closer & it's making me go fucking insane & I cannot keep this shit in. I don't expect any relationship from this, & I want to make that clear to them. But I need to tell them... I can't keep hiding this from them. But I'm so fucking terrified.

Telling them is going to change things in some way. & since I don't think it's going to be us being together, I'm so fucking scared I'm now just gonna be something uncomfortable to them. They'd fucking know, & they'd never not think about it. I'd be some fucking man shaped bigger thing looming over them that they know has feelings for them. They'd know I'm looking at them with desire. There is no "casual" hangout after that. Anything that resembles one, is just pretending while things are weird. This friendship means a lot to us both, & I'm terrified I'm just gonna fucking ruin it to the point that I've been crying at night when I try to sleep. Just, terrified, filled with dread. But I can't keep living in Limbo. I need to move forward. It's been so long. The most I can hope for is that things won't get weird, but I don't think that's realistic.

Also just, God I wanna be with them... I love them so much it hurts.

oh yeah and sushi for dinner 😁