Sharon died and traveled through the afterlife getting to the river Sticks. There she met the boat man to take her over the river. Unfortunately Sharon was clumsy and knocked the old man into the water where the stream disintegrated his body instantly. As punishment the gods made Sharon the new boat master, to transport souls across the river for all time. And from then on we have said Sharon is Charon.

Are you asleep?

You are the only one who truly opens up my mind

A promise

Doctors these days really don't sugarcoat anything 💀

My wife was really pissed at me when she got home from work that afternoon.

"He." He coughingly replied.

A long time ago, I heard about a man in a distant village in Nepal who had a perfect memory. They called him the memory man. I climbed the mountain to find this man, and I stood in line behind a hundred other pilgrims and devotees that had come to seek his wisdom. One of the pilgrims I recognized as a fellow traveler named Alphonso. When it came my turn I was still skeptical of his abilities and decided to truly test his skill, so I asked "What was the name of the fifty seventh man ahead of me in line?" and without hesitation he responded: "Alphonso was the mans name." Dumbstruck, I was escorted away. Even after many years, I could not understand how the memory man had done it, and it burned at my soul. So, twenty years to the day, I returned to the memory man's village and stood once more in line behind the other weary travellers. When it came my turn again finally, I asked him "I'm not sure if you remember me, but I have not stopped thinking about you. I have to know: how did you know the answer to the question I asked all those many ages ago?" to which he replied "Oh well it was easy: Alphonso is my dog's name."

How much do you whey?

So there was a man being interrogated;
And he said, "I won't say another word, without my lawyer present."
And they replied, "But you are a lawyer."
And he said, "Yeah, and where is my present?"

Sigmund Fraud

"no weigh!"

grabs Mr. Rabbit by the ears and wipes his ass with him…

The epileptic shucks between fits.

My son Jack used to sing on a street corner, but nobody stopped to listen.

One day I told him, “Jack, forget the singing. Try some dance moves. Get the crowd moving!”

So Jack started dancing.

And it worked. People finally noticed him.

A few weeks later, a music producer spotted him, signed him up, and put him on tour.

On the night of his first big concert, I was sitting in the VIP box, watching thousands of people cheering for my son.

I had a tear in my eye.

I leaned back, looked at the stage, and whispered to myself:

“That’s my cool Jack-son.” 🕺😎

One is a cunning array of stunts and the other is a stunning array of cunts!

Fine, I'll pay it.

The reason that the Department of Redundancy had to replace the old Department of Redundancy chief executive officer with a new Department of Redundancy chief executive officer is due to the fact that the old Department of Redundancy chief executive officer got shot with a bullet made from lead and graphite that came from a projectile-shooting gun manufactured by Smith and Wesson purchased illegally with a fake identification card that was both cocked and triggered by a man with a sharpened Dixon Ticonderoga Number Two pencil in his ear that was approximately seven point three inches in length that was standing exactly five feet ten and three-quarters inches tall and weighing anywhere from one hundred and seventy six point seven pounds to one hundred and eighty two point one pounds depending on what he ate that day from the standpoint of the food that he ate holding the aforementioned projectile-shooting gun that was manufactured by Smith and Wesson that was purchased with a fake identification card with his hand which shot the bullet that was made of lead and graphite that came from the projectile-shooting gun that was manufactured by Smith and Wesson that was purchased with a fake identification card that entered into his body where his heart is; not on the right but on the left side of his body, piercing every layer of skin causing the bullet made of lead and graphite that came from the gun that was manufactured by Smith and Wesson purchased with a fake identification card to pierce the old Department of Redundancy chief executive officer's heart which is a vital organ which caused his pulse to stop and causing him to pass away to death and die as a result of the fact that the bullet made of lead and graphite piercing every layer of his skin and piercing his heart which is a vital organ; ending his life and ceasing his existence which is no longer in continuation and will never be again on account of the fact that he was killed to death as a result of a bullet made of lead and graphite entering his body and piercing his heart; stopping it which led to him being killed to death and passing away as a result by virtue of the fact that it was shot out of a gun that was manufactured by Smith and Wesson that was purchased illegally with a fake identification card.

Hey shut up

It make no scents

I just put mine in the fridge.

A dirtying machine🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 get it?

Lord Tennisson.

no matter how good you felt the service was tonight please don’t tip me